*sigh* so I'm not in the best of moods. I'm really feeling stressed this morning over it. Trying not to let things get me down, especially after the great day yesterday...
But I'm feeling very frustrated, because it always seems like just when things are going right, they end up getting cocked up again.
I'm too tired for this crap.
I need to start writing my book... but what am I going to write?
Every so often I worry that I complain too much. Or that I seek pity. What am I doing?
I'm trying to be honest about what I'm feeling - trying to be clear about how things are not all roses and happiness (or unicorn's smiles...) at the moment. That I am under a hell of a lot of pressure.
It was suggested that I look for some temporary work until I get a job that actually pays well - but I know where that leads. See, I did that when I was having trouble in University the first time - I thought I'd work a while until I was ready to return. It took me over five years to get out of working.
Then I thought, after I graduated, I'd work for a while until I found a job that I'd like - a year later I was still in the same job unhappy and desperately trying to figure a way out.
No.
Taking a job just to fill-in time and get money rarely ends up being that. It ends up trapping you because you get bound by contracts and circumstances.
But the alternative?
I'm worried that my teeth are in serious need of dental care - it has been a year since I was at the dentist's last and occasionally my gums hurt. Even though I brush twice a day, I swear that my front teeth are becoming alarmingly transparent. I haven't seen a GP in ages. I worry about how I haven't been to the gym and how I'm going to end up unhealthy and with diabetes. I worry that I'm going blind and deaf. I suffer from tinnitus which is okay some days and is scaring me the next.
I worry a lot.
I love being with my friends because I stop worrying, but at the moment I feel like I have just screwed everything up. My body, my life and that I wont be able to get any of it back.
Which all sounds a lot more dire than it is. It's not like I'm in a corner weeping or anything. It's just that these things are constantly flying around my head at the moment - which makes me think of money which makes me worry about the friends that I owe cash to and the debts I need to pay off, which leads me to feeling a sharp stabbing pain at the base of my skull, which sets off the migraine behind my left eye - which always kicks in when I'm thinking too much, which sets off my worrying again which leaves me wanting to just be held and able to forget for a while how things are stressing me out.
I never used to stress like this - it has been a very recent development.
Since Alex.
I can't believe I let him get to me like this.
Still.
Which leads me to being alone. Which leads me to feeling like I can be loved by my friends and still not actually be loved.
Which leads me to berating myself for doubting people. Which leads me to wondering if I can ever look at myself without feeling ashamed of my thoughts. Which leads me to self-pity, which leads to my reminding myself that intention is the important thing. Which leads me to remembering that I am a good guy who genuinely cares. Which comforts me because I know that I worry because I just want to be able to do the right thing and be the right kind of guy for everyone - not for their approval, but because I want my own approval of who I am. Which leads me to realising that so much of this worry is because I want to look in the mirror and say "I love myself."
And you know what?
I actually do. I know that no matter what happens to me, no matter how much I might say I'm an idiot- I still am happy to be me. Because I do think I'm a damn good guy. And I do feel that I can overcome this dark patch and that one day I will be someone that people will look at and be proud to say that they know me.
I let Alex cause me to doubt my self worth - and that is inexcusable. All I can do is keep trying to improve.
And yet... I can't bring myself to hate Alex.
I want to fall in love again. I know I keep coming back to this issue time and time again. But, I have never been with anyone. Sure I've *been* with someone in the biblical begatting sense, but not in the intimate loving sense. I crave that intimacy like a man dying of thirst craves water. It's not that I think falling in love is going to solve anything - rather, I feel that it will help me move on to the next step in my life.
I'm there now, I'm ready to move on... so in the words of John Meyer "hurry up and get here."
Love and Huggles
Conan
Entish
To which race of Middle Earth do you belong?
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Currently Reading: Unknown Armies Second Edition
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance
Mood: Melancholy
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