The Sun is only outside

Yeah, just came back from my appointment with the bank. I have about two weeks deadline to get myself sorted before my overdraft is cancelled and I find myself $500 in debt. That's not counting all the bills and other expenses that I can't get out of.

Two weeks. I haven't even had one interview. For someone with so much experience and talent, I'm remarkably unemployable it seems - even in this day of being an employees market.

So I'm not doing too good. Dad has offered to help out with rent. But by my calculations the amount he's lending will see me through next week, and then I'll be needing to hit him up again for more money. Not something I thought I'd be doing at the age of 31.

I just want to be able to write, but I can't even do that at the moment because I just look at my work and think "I suck."

Right now, I just want to lay down and sleep forever.

I thought I was past this stage, but today it's all crashing back - I've just made one stupid decision after the other and it all started with me being dumb at the age of 17 and deciding that I wanted to wait until I genuinely fell in love with someone before I had a relationship. Well I didn't know what love was, and I waited and waited and waited. All the time becoming so obsessed with the idea of a relationship.

I'm rambling now. I just feel like there is no hope for me. That I was an idiot for getting so emotional towards Alex and just dropping a good paying job for what? Why did I move down here?

I love Wellington and I want to stay- I can't really leave now - and yet I am completely adrift.

This time... what am I going to do if I don't get a job in two weeks? What am I going to do if I end up panicking and taking a job like Mandatory that I just don't like?

What am I going to do?

Conan

Mood: Not optimistic at all now...