A day of... well... thoughts

Man, I need to take meditation at some point. :) My brain has been working overtime today - just so many thoughts all happening at once. I remember once reading a book that referred to the human brain as "the chattering monkey." It was about how meditation is often used to try and quieten it, because it constantly wells up with flittering considerations and concepts.

I guess, in a way, this blog is a form of meditation - a psychic dumping point for my thoughts. But it also serves as a place to express my honest feelings in a manner that I often find the spoken word has trouble with.

I know that some people use blogs to be witty, or to make astute social commentary - and I'd like to be able to do that. But ultimately I feel that the best way of communicating anything I have to say about that is by communicating how I am thinking and feeling about myself.

The point being that I want people to be able to read my posts and either say "wow, I feel the same way too! I'm not the only one!" or "wow, I never thought about it like that. That never happened to me."

Now as it has probably been seriously obvious over the last few months, I've been concerned with relationships and the future. Namely my future. Well there have been some things I haven't openly mentioned. I think I've alluded to them on occasion, but I haven't (to my conscious knowledge) out right spoken about them.

Not to say that I'm going to give a sudden revelation of every little iota of thought I have had - there are some things that are always best left unsaid. I do think that most of what I have been thinking is visible if you look deep enough - but if you're not looking, nothing to worry about. :) It obviously isn't important enough to you, and that's totally cool by me.

But there are some things that I feel I need to start building on for future posts.

My brain is almost constantly processing information about the structure of modern Western society. Why? Because despite all claims to the contrary, something doesn't feel equitable to me. I have a suspicion that money and economics comes into the equation, but that's not the core of the problem but rather a measure of what is really at the core. One of my goals when I looked at doing my Masters in Philosophy last year was to start work on a theory regarding humanity and the concept of responsibility - but I kind of wimped out at the last moment. It is something that does take up a lot of activity when I'm in my more relaxed states.

Relationships and intimacy. This is another constant process. As you probably can tell I am regularly plagued with thoughts about all this. It's been in the forefront especially recently because I haven't hugged anyone seriously since I've moved down here. There have been a couple of occasions - but not many. Part of this is because it doesn't feel right in the circumstances, in Auckland I had people that I was comfortable hugging because we had the kind of intimate friendships where it didn't feel weird or an invasion of someone's personal space. The reality is that I really need to find that person that I can be intimate with on both a personal and social level. Thing is, it's not happening anywhere that I can see. It's tough when I want to feel the contact of being with someone - but that kind of relationship has to be mutual. And I need to find the kind of person who the mutual feeling exists with. It's really causing me a high level of inner distress, and my brain is currently at war with my instincts at the moment. Because I need to be patient. It will likely be a while before anything comes along.

I worry about finding a job - this was another thought constantly plaguing me today. I've applied for a couple of jobs, but I finish work soon and I have nothing to move on to yet. I can only pray that it will work out.

Alex. I think less about Alex now than I used to, but every so often... well the thoughts are still there. I really was in love. Shame Alex wasn't.

What brought all this on? Well I was thinking about the movie I saw today - Howl's Moving Castle. In it one of the main characters was without a heart, and it made me think about relationships and those of us who find ourselves emotionally stranded.

I had a great day, don't get me wrong. I wasn't all mister mopey or captain depression. I'm beginning to even out a little - I just have this undercurrent of vulnerability going on. I just have this constant urge to be comforted and held. To be able to lie down and have someone holding me gently and simply letting me take time out and draw some strength from the feeling.

I'm not really sure what else to say at the moment. Maybe it's just the exhaustion talking - I am feeling pretty tired now.

I had a great day, and I'm not depressed, just very contemplative. Wondering how long I will be waiting for someone to sweep me off my feet. :)

In the meantime, I'm actually doing well. Howls Moving Castle gets a two thumbs up - Miyazaki at his best. Also having good company helped as well. :D I'm just in a very thought filled frame of mind this evening. :)

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: American Gods by Neil Gaiman
Currently Watching: Buffy Season 7
Mood: Contemplative, Feeling good - still needing hugs though... :D