I think about how the more Alex spurned me, the more I pursued. I think of how many of my friends have done the same, the more something became difficult to gain, the more they chased it. The more they chased, the harder it became and so on...
Interestingly, this reminds me of the philosophy of Buddhism - in many of its incarnations.
One of the most misunderstood tenets of Buddhism is that "Life is Suffering."
See the interesting thing about Buddhism is that when the philosophy states this, it's not actually saying what many think it's saying.
The thing that Buddha was saying was that life is full of suffering because of desire. It's not a cry that there is no hope, but rather that it is part of life to desire things, and that the act of desire never ends. Once we achieve the thing we desire, we become restless and set a new desire when we realise that the thing we sought wasn't what we really wanted.
Now Buddhism kind of implies that what we really want is to return to the void and be at peace where there is no desire, and thusly no suffering.
Of course, according to Buddha the only place where there is no desire is a big empty nothingness. Hence buddhism is about becoming nothing and wanting for nothing. It's a smart approach, in some ways.
Daoism is very similar, funnily enough. Again, Daoism identifies that actively seeking things and pushing your way through life is the way to suffering. Like Buddhism, Daoists try to personally seek nothing - but Daoists don't seek to become one with the void- rather they seek to become one with the Universe. Rather than nothing, they seek to become everything.
The difficult bit of all this is, of course, that they must be like the Asthetics and seek without desiring. A tough challenge.
The Asthetics sought to discover true beauty - but one could not gain from the experience, rather they just basked in it and said "hm. That's true beauty. I appreciate it. Now I must move on. Cherry pie, anyone?"
Buddhists approach this by meditating, they clear their minds of desire and try to quieten their minds to touch the void- the nothingness. Thus they manage, for a time, to avoid desire and thus suffering.
Daoists stop actively forcing the universe and instead open themselves to everything - reacting to the signals that the universe sends them and thus begin to work in harmony with the Great Work. Many daoists rely on fortune telling and the like to help them identify what it is that the universe is doing - they are believers that there is a great Way to all things, and to act in harmony with it is to discover contentment.
Asthetics are a confused mix of these ideas.
And yet there is something there with the idea of desire. I've been trying to figure out if I would be content without desire - because although it can bring suffering, if tempered with a near daoist approach to things - it can also bring moments of true happiness.
I have found that once you start looking at things as either in harmony or out of harmony, life becomes a lot more magical. When you get a glimpse of that Way, where the world seems to serendipitously work in some great pattern, there is this flash of calm and hope. There is a feeling of everything is going to work out.
This, I suspect, is why many people take up religion. They seek to rediscover that brief moment of "eureka" that they had, and they equated with their religious awakening.
But again we come to the problem of seeking - life is suffering. If we drive the universe to our will, this becomes a truth.
Where am I going with all this? Can't say for sure. I'm still puzzling it out. I can't imagine being a pawn to the universe is a good thing, or even the truth of the matter. Rather, I believe that the Universe wants what is best for you, and it leaves clues as to what paths you can take to get those things.
When you finally step in the right direction, it opens things up for you. If not, it leaves you to flounder.
Which isn't to necessarily say that the universe is a conscious entity, but rather I am anthropomorphising what seems to me to be some natural process. It's a suitable fable to help understand a metaphysical concept.
So how does that relate to my situation? I need to have faith that if I follow my gut, things will work out.
Of course there are some things that my gut is saying that I just can't quite find any evidence to support. So maybe I should just have faith that whatever I do, I have faith that it will work out for the best in the long term - because eventually it does. I have an unshakable belief that when all things come to run their course, it all works out in the end.
I have always felt this, and I always will. Things eventually work out, suffering is transitory.
Still... it would be nice to have some of that stuff working out for me now rather than later. :)
Love and Huggles
Conan
Currently Reading: American Gods by Neil Gaiman
Currently Watching: The Complete Black Adder
Mood: Hopeful and calm
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