The system was quick, and the Kung-Fu was fun. There was plenty of smacktalk all round too. We also took some time to watch The Stormriders (crap) and a Kung-Fu/Wuxia classic, Iron Monkey (Very cool.)
Beauty and Attraction
Now for the rant bit of my blog today...
I was thinking about these things yesterday, just in the back of my head, for a number of reasons. Part of it has to do with discussions that were had at Nick and Nasia's New Year's party, part of it has to do with various events over the last year, and part of it has to do with things like my own self-image.
See, somedays I look in the mirror and I think about how I look. What is attractive on the surface? I sometimes make faces and think about all the different expressions, how they make my face look and whether I feel if I am seeing how I feel inside visible on the surface. I guess, in a way, I sometimes try to see if I can spot my inner beauty through some clue in my physical features.
Because I have a feeling that all people do have something beautiful about them - just in some people it is easier to see than others. I have on occasion looked at my friends, my workmates and strangers and tried to identify something beautiful about them - and trust me, it isn't always easy.
Why do I do this?
I'm not 100% sure. I think it is partly because I don't want to feel that I might miss something that is of value. Or maybe it is important to me to remember that if all these people have a beauty, then I must too.
Because somedays I look in the mirror and I see the flaws - my stained teeth, my acne-scarred face, my receding hairline, my stomach. I see these things and I worry that I will never be attractive enough for the kind of person I am attracted to. Because I do think I have a tendency to be very picky.
Admittedly, Alex had that typical English look - kind of cute, but really looked more like a horse.
Also had no chin to speak of.
Was scrawny and kind of weedy all over.
But there was a beauty I was attracted to. The smile was so inviting. So funny and caring.
What is it that attracts us to people?
I think about what I find attractive - a youthful personality, but also maturity. Beautiful eyes. A ready smile. A gentle soul, but not a pushover. Someone who can be funny, and someone who can just be quiet and thoughtful.
But I also think about how some people I have turned away because despite the beauty I could see - there was something I always found hard to place. Something that didn't attract me. I suspect it was, in part, to do with my thinking too much about sex.
Sex for me is an odd topic. I like it - but not enough it seems. See, I want someone who I can be intimate with and not have to have sex all the time. Sex always feels kind of awkward because I have never actually had sex with anyone I genuinely loved, and I always felt kind of guilty during because of this.
Maybe it's my catholic upbringing, but I still feel that sex should be something special - not because sex is special, but because for me it is an offering of something that is not given to everybody.
So it has meant that I have been without sex for... well... a long time.
But I don't want to rush off and just get a hot piece of ass or anything like that. I want to fall in love again. I'm ready for love - I've been ready for almost fifteen years. Which brings me back to attraction.
A friend of mine's boyfriend once tried to identify my "type." We were out one day and he asked me to mention whenever someone I thought was attractive walked past. So I dutifully pointed out each and every occasion that I saw someone attractive, and Ian was getting frustrated because he was having a hard time spotting any similarities.
Then he pointed at someone and said - "over there. Right?"
And he was. Then he spotted another person. And another.
So my friend asks Ian what my type is, as Ian had obviously figured it out.
Ian gave this pained and confused look. He answered that he didn't know what it was, but he could just tell who by looking at them. It was something intangible, but he reckoned that there was something in the face - not physical, but in the way they looked, almost in the eyes.
Even now, I can't tell you what my type is. But I can tell you what attracts me most- something I see in their eyes. I don't know what it is, but I know that eyes are very important to me in the process of attraction.
So have I met anyone while down in Wellington that has caused me to go "hmmm?"
Well I've met a couple of people who have fit that bill - but nobody who is available or interested. Most of the people I have met have been part of the same social group - and I suspect that the pickings for a guy like me are slim. :)
Besides, I am at that point now where I need to be romanced for a change. I spent four years romancing a person who gave me nothing in return. All our friends fell in love with me, because they saw how hard I tried and how considerate I was. They saw how I battled with myself to do things right and not be too pushy and not be too disinterested.
But I sucked at the romancing thing. I'm not confident enough in myself and it shows. That's where my mirror gazing suffers most. I look in the mirror and I see the fear, the sorrow and I find myself asking - who could fit in this reflection with me?
I am a good person, I know. I'm also a loving, caring person who wants everyone to be happy.
This is the absolute truth.
It's just that I sometimes think I'm pretty bad at that. And sometimes I think that I'm too selfish, too dominating, too ignorant.
These things aren't true.
So what am I getting at? I'm not really sure. I'm trying to identify that at the moment. I want to be loved, but I worry that I make myself unlovable. Or maybe just unavailable.
It's an important issue to me - I don't want to go another year without finally having a relationship with a person I actually love. I don't want to fall for someone only to see them end up with someone else, and then be left thinking to myself 'what did I do wrong?'
Yet, I'm too tired to go out there into those old social circles where I could find someone. It's too hard, too difficult and not the place that I feel comfortable.
So where does that leave me?
I just don't have the answers I seek. So I wait here hoping that some miracle will occur...
And I just try to smile through it all.
Conan
Currently Reading:Weapons of the Gods Vol. 2; Weapons of the Gods RPG; American Gods by Neil Gaiman
Currently Watching: Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 7
Mood: Heartachey and World weary...
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