Love, Passion and Responsibility

Last night while walking home from Paul's get together, Mash and I got into a bit of a discussion about people and relationships. It was an interesting discussion because Mash managed to make the astute observation that relationships are something we all obsess about. Either we want to be in one or we obsess about the relationships we are in.

Long time readers of Stream of Consciousness would be aware that this is a big issue for me - but it might help to put some context on the matter.

See, I have never been in a real relationship. I have the uncanny knack of choosing to want to be with people who have no interest in having any form of intimate relationship with me. I sometimes jokingly refer to this as The Curse. If I find myself attracted or passionate about a person - then they probably aren't interested in me. Or if they are, they quickly stop being interested.

Funny that.

So what am I doing wrong? Well, I spend a lot of time trying to work that one out. The upshot is that I just am often picking the wrong type of person. Bad luck, essentially. I need someone who isn't afraid of passion - and I'm not talking about the yelling in the bedroom kind of passion... I mean something more deep-seated.

See, I'm a very passionate person. I'm stubborn, driven, and committed to my core beliefs. That also means that when I love someone, I'm sometimes freaky focused on that person. To the point, I feel, that I make them uncomfortable because a lot of people just can't handle that much attention from one person.

I'm very aware of the risk of becoming a stalker type - and that is something I worry about constantly. Because that is the other side of my personality - I'm also very empathic. I care, and I do try to see things from other viewpoints - which is why I tend to back off from straight out revealing my feelings for certain people.

Getting back to the point - our discussion moved into some areas based around my once-time goal of doing a Masters and Doctorate in Philosophy.

Now I am realising that was my real passion.

I was working on a philosophy about Human Nature and Responsibility. The upshot was that I suspected that there is something fundamentally missing in the way humanity views itself. That we have developed this overbloated idea of what it is to be human without actually actively understanding what humanity really is.

It all comes down to how we don't want to take responsibility for who we really are.

Whenever I hear people say "It's human nature to..." I often realise that more often they are actually saying "it's not my fault, because I have no free will."

The problem is, you do. People will continue arguing against free will because they don't want to be responsible. They think too black and white - the universe doesn't.

Which isn't to say that I'm condoning immoral actions - but rather that if you make a choice to change, or if you work to be a better person - that matters to the Universe. The Universe doesn't see people as irreparably evil or unshakingly good. Sure, there are people out there who are - but most of us are grey. We spend so much time trying to not accept that, though.

I'm not sure this is quite coming out the way I want it to.

What I'm trying to say is that it matters more that you take responsibility for your choices - revel in the freedom that gives you.

I know I haven't always lived up to that myself. Even on this blog I sometimes avoid discussing certain issues and feelings because I don't want to risk the fallout.

But I know why I do it, and I accept that I have made the choice.

You see, I once wrote a lot about my feelings regarding Alex and another friend. It ended up costing me a friendship because I said things that my friend felt were bad - and he didn't like them being on a public forum.

The thing was, I was merely being honest about my feelings. And I had discussed the situation with him.

Now, I still hold stuff back. Not that I have anything bad to say, but rather that I'm feeling conflicted, I guess.

How easily we choose to fall in love, to have passion and yet we don't want to ever take the responsibility that comes with those choices. I've come to realise that a lot of my depression and general state of discomfort has come from a lack of passion. Alex was a passion for me, something that drove me for four years - and now that's gone.

I need to rediscover my passion in life - not necessarily fall in love with someone, but have something that drives me. That's why I've been down because I realise that I have lost that passionate focus- and I did so by my own choosing.

So what do I want? Now is a good time to start making some resolutions - I'm a few days late in making them, but let's see if I can make some. And let's see if you guys might be able to help me keep them by just letting me know when it sounds like I'm straying from the path. Passion rarely just starts up fully formed - it often needs time to grow. I need to be patient.

Love: I want to fall in love for real this year. This isn't something I can do, but I need to make myself open to the possibility- where ever it comes from. I'm ready to fall in love now. Maybe I'll look at going out clubbing sometime and see if I meet anyone.

Writing: Damn it, I keep calling myself a writer, but what have I written recently? I need to come up with a book and stick to it regardless of anything and get the damn thing finished. This year I will write a novel, get it to an agent and get it published.

Philosophy: I want to help change the way the world thinks. I want to show the world that you can be happy and that it does take facing those scary things about yourself to get there. That ultimately we are all capable of great things...

Here's hoping that I can rekindle my passions... :)

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: American Gods by Neil Gaiman
Currently Watching: Angel Season 4
Mood: Optimistic but kind of wanting to be in someone's arms today...