Rejected again

Well that was a great day - two rejections. I don't even get interviews, I have tweaked and altered my CV in an attempt to get people to look over my abilities but they all ignore me.

*sigh*

I don't want to get back into retail. It's not fun, it wont pay nearly enough to do anything other than keep me treading on water. Not that there are a lot of retail jobs out there for me - I'm too experienced. >:(

Also, despite my good sales skills, I hate sales. I just can't lie to people about something. Unless I genuinely believe in the product- I'm wasting my breath, because they see on my face that I don't believe what I'm saying.

Frank Casey's worked because it wasn't about selling, it was about impressing. Which means I could go into the hospitality industry again - but if there is one thing I hate more than retail, it's working hospitality. I just don't have the patience for the rudeness that you are always inflicted with. Hospitality is the kind of industry you either do as a part-time thing, or as a career.

I went to Uni to get out of that industry.

I have a freaking analyst's degree and I have all these recruitment agencies telling me I don't have the skills.

Wankers.

One company even told me I was too skilled and would be bored! Honestly, it is getting to the point where my next cover letter will read something like this:


To whom it may concern,

I know you will be getting a lot of CVs at this time for this hotly contested role. But I want to let you know why you will inevitably regret turning mine away. Because I am a bubbly, friendly guy who has had such a broad range of experience and the adaptibility to learn constantly. I am a lateral thinker and a problem solver. I'm the guy who would have not only provided an excellent level of productivity in the job, but would have provided the company with a new insight into how to expand beyond its current direction.

With my ability to think out of the box I can provide ideas that would have never occured to anyone else. Of course I understand that you are only a recruiter who doesn't actually know that kind of skills would be useful to the role - you just want to tick off my skills from the list and then have that coffee that Doris left you on your desk before playing another game of pong with the guy across the office room from you.

Yeah, he's kind of cute, not my type - but I think he kinds of digs you. But if you could just take a little time out of your busy flirting schedule to take my application seriously, maybe things might go well for you. After all, he's been spending the last hour trying to figure out how to ask you to join the gang for drinks after work. Of course you'll say yes, if you don't you'll just end up drinking coffee all day and inadvertantly dooming hundreds of businesses to obscurity because you failed to put the right people up for interview - all because you have no passion for your job.

Don't lie to yourself. You hate your job. Why else would you be so willing to send a guy like me a rejection e-mail that you didn't even personally write to me, but just mass e-mailed to all the other people who have already moved on to look for other jobs.

What makes me different from all the other schmucks out there. Well, for one, I'm ballsy enough to write this letter.

I don't blame you, really. I'd hate to work in recruitment. That's why I'm applying for this job. Look, just because you have a diploma is great, but if you try to tell me that a degree in critical analysis and research is not the skills list for an analyst's role I may just have to send you nasty thoughts. That might give me a migraine... or an aneurism - you wouldn't want my going into a coma on your conscience would you?

I didn't think so.

It's not that I think that you're a nasty person. I just think you're a retard if you don't get me that interview. Hey, don't look now but that cute guy's coming over. What did I tell you? Come on, if I could pick that one I must be good. Right?

I can come in for an interview on Friday. About ten in the morning suits me. Just send me the address and name of who I'm speaking to.

If you don't... bad thoughts. I'm ready to send them at any point. But if you give me the interview I'll be sending you loads of good will. Come on, how could you turn down anything like that?

By the way, don't sleep with him on the first date or he wont respect you.

Catchya!

Conan"


A bit much?

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Fireborn Gamemasters Guide
Currently Playing:Fireborn - Rememberance
Mood: Tired and worried

New Poll

Well my temperament has definitely improved now. :)

So I've set up the new poll - btw the winners were Secret of Zir'An and Blue Planet. That gives me something to work at. :D

The New Poll - Which project should Conan get started on?

Project WF - this is my own space opera RPG setting. Based on a question - what if the universe as we see it from Earth is distorted? A game with many different areas of interest, it mixes a lot of inspirations.
Project ES - My long term project, this is a future fantasy story that tells of a cold war that threatens a world unlike our own where humanity has long since abandoned religion in favour of science and philosophy. Almost allegorical in concept.
Project WC - a tale of modern fantasy set here in Wellington, a group of friends come to terms with their personal issues with the aid of Wellington's secret denizens...
Project ETA - Everything humanity believes in has it's source in fact. Now those facts will be revealed...
Project Kea - Before the Departure, there were three peoples who existed to discover the nature of all things. A fantasy series that will end in a way that you least expect and present an epic tale that will make the Lord of the Rings look like a picnic trip... (if I can pull it off. :D)
Project Nick - Before he was a Bad Ass Loner, he was a simple man who lived a simple life. Before they took it all away!!! Now he wants revenge on them... if only he could figure out what they took and if only he could stop watching anime! One day he will be... NICK P! Badass Loner! The first in a thirteen issue pulp novel series - keep an eye out for Nick P and the Nazi Hermaphrodites from Venus!

So vote away and let's see what I start working on. :)

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Blue Rose
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance
Mood: Lethargic

Trees and Banks

Grrrr Westpac has managed to earn my ire today because the money Dad sent me didn't go through when it was supposed to and I wont see it until tomorrow. >:(

*sigh* so I'm not in the best of moods. I'm really feeling stressed this morning over it. Trying not to let things get me down, especially after the great day yesterday...

But I'm feeling very frustrated, because it always seems like just when things are going right, they end up getting cocked up again.

I'm too tired for this crap.

I need to start writing my book... but what am I going to write?

Every so often I worry that I complain too much. Or that I seek pity. What am I doing?

I'm trying to be honest about what I'm feeling - trying to be clear about how things are not all roses and happiness (or unicorn's smiles...) at the moment. That I am under a hell of a lot of pressure.

It was suggested that I look for some temporary work until I get a job that actually pays well - but I know where that leads. See, I did that when I was having trouble in University the first time - I thought I'd work a while until I was ready to return. It took me over five years to get out of working.

Then I thought, after I graduated, I'd work for a while until I found a job that I'd like - a year later I was still in the same job unhappy and desperately trying to figure a way out.

No.

Taking a job just to fill-in time and get money rarely ends up being that. It ends up trapping you because you get bound by contracts and circumstances.

But the alternative?

I'm worried that my teeth are in serious need of dental care - it has been a year since I was at the dentist's last and occasionally my gums hurt. Even though I brush twice a day, I swear that my front teeth are becoming alarmingly transparent. I haven't seen a GP in ages. I worry about how I haven't been to the gym and how I'm going to end up unhealthy and with diabetes. I worry that I'm going blind and deaf. I suffer from tinnitus which is okay some days and is scaring me the next.

I worry a lot.

I love being with my friends because I stop worrying, but at the moment I feel like I have just screwed everything up. My body, my life and that I wont be able to get any of it back.

Which all sounds a lot more dire than it is. It's not like I'm in a corner weeping or anything. It's just that these things are constantly flying around my head at the moment - which makes me think of money which makes me worry about the friends that I owe cash to and the debts I need to pay off, which leads me to feeling a sharp stabbing pain at the base of my skull, which sets off the migraine behind my left eye - which always kicks in when I'm thinking too much, which sets off my worrying again which leaves me wanting to just be held and able to forget for a while how things are stressing me out.

I never used to stress like this - it has been a very recent development.

Since Alex.

I can't believe I let him get to me like this.

Still.

Which leads me to being alone. Which leads me to feeling like I can be loved by my friends and still not actually be loved.

Which leads me to berating myself for doubting people. Which leads me to wondering if I can ever look at myself without feeling ashamed of my thoughts. Which leads me to self-pity, which leads to my reminding myself that intention is the important thing. Which leads me to remembering that I am a good guy who genuinely cares. Which comforts me because I know that I worry because I just want to be able to do the right thing and be the right kind of guy for everyone - not for their approval, but because I want my own approval of who I am. Which leads me to realising that so much of this worry is because I want to look in the mirror and say "I love myself."

And you know what?

I actually do. I know that no matter what happens to me, no matter how much I might say I'm an idiot- I still am happy to be me. Because I do think I'm a damn good guy. And I do feel that I can overcome this dark patch and that one day I will be someone that people will look at and be proud to say that they know me.

I let Alex cause me to doubt my self worth - and that is inexcusable. All I can do is keep trying to improve.

And yet... I can't bring myself to hate Alex.

I want to fall in love again. I know I keep coming back to this issue time and time again. But, I have never been with anyone. Sure I've *been* with someone in the biblical begatting sense, but not in the intimate loving sense. I crave that intimacy like a man dying of thirst craves water. It's not that I think falling in love is going to solve anything - rather, I feel that it will help me move on to the next step in my life.

I'm there now, I'm ready to move on... so in the words of John Meyer "hurry up and get here."

Love and Huggles

Conan


Entish


To which race of Middle Earth do you belong?
brought to you by Quizilla


Currently Reading: Unknown Armies Second Edition
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance
Mood: Melancholy

BBQs and Comfort

First off - I need to get a proper digital camera, the one on my phone is the suxx0rs. :D

Thanks heaps and big ups to Norman for a truly memorable BBQ that was loads of fun.


Debbie admires the softness and beauty of Giffy's hair...

"Oh my god, Nick and Conan have just levelled up!" - Debbie comments on how good a hot tub foot massage can get...

Wow, we had a blast. While I was at the BBQ Paul mentioned that he had got the impression that I was loving Wellington by missing my old friends from Auckland. However, I'm realising that I just love my friends down here too. They are fun, exciting and interesting people. :) We had a complete ball, with lots of interesting conversation. Morgue gave me some good reasons to think about roleplaying in a different perspective, Fraser proved that covering your crotch with a plastic bag is always sure to get a laugh and Norman taught us the problem of escalation when he retaliated against a water pistol by bringing out the hose and spraying Debbie liberally with it.

Although attempts were made to get Nick's t-shirt wet, Debbie and Little Cat were able to get him into the spa - where a record nine people were eventually squeezed in. Morgue has photographic evidence of this feat!

We all had a great time - and much humour and bon vivant abounded despite the murky weather. :D

Now I sit here feeling really good - but also a little melancholy. It's probably just me being silly, but I kind of feel a bit... well not lonely, because there are so many very cool people who have managed to make me feel like I belong somewhere now - in fact I felt more at home than ever before - but now that I'm home... well I think you know what I mean.

I don't mean a sex partner or something silly like that - but I want to be part of a couple. There were several couples there today, and I didn't feel jealous, I just felt like I really wanted to experience what they had. That wonderful sense of being a team, a partnership - with all its foibles. :)

That's why I'm melancholy. Here I am needing to worry about a job and my future, and I'm thinking about how I wanted to walk in the door arm in arm with someone, curl up in front of the television before bed and talk about what a cool BBQ it was and how much fun we'd had before snuggling in and preparing for tomorrow.

I haven't kissed anyone in a long time - and that is one of my favourite parts of being with someone, being able to kiss whenever the urge takes you to.

I'm a damn fine kisser, if I say so myself. :D Right up there with my hugs. I'm a very tactile person when it comes to being affectionate. :D

But I'm probably boring you.

The BBQ was certainly fun. I am feeling very warm and fuzzy. I would have stayed longer, but I felt that strange melancholy sense and realised that I was feeling tired - I'm going to bed soon. I feel so balanced and happy. I love my friends and genuinely care about all of you guys.

I feel like I've come home.

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Blue Planet Frontier Justice
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance
Mood: Warm and loving. Wanting to snuggle up with someone...

Another day... another...

Well I managed to start the day off well by wishing Mum happy birthday to have her tell me it's on Tuesday. *sigh* I swear that woman changes it every year, I have yet to get the darn thing right. :D

So I'm trying to motivate myself to write again - but everytime I sit down at the computer I let myself get distracted. This time it was World of Warcraft, last time it was checking e-mails...

I think the core issue is that I'm not passionate about any of the projects I'm thinking of. Nothing is leaping out at me and saying "get going." Now the solution for me is to write anyway and eventually I'll build up momentum - but I suspect that I've allowed myself to get too complacent. It's like gym. I was doing really well before I moved down. Now I'm slowly putting on weight and getting pudgy. *sigh*

The one thing worst that depression is apathy. At least depression is a feeling. Apathy leads to procrastination which leads turning into my dad! :D

Kidding. ;)

So what am I going to do? I guess I'll put together a poll for next week relating to what project I should start. I'm thinking of reviving Evin Shir - but rethinking the plot to spread out over more books - then pitch it to either Harper Collins or Random House. If I can get a publishing house on side, I might be able to sort a few more things out for myself. :D

Well, I have to dash now... catch ya round!

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Blue Planet Moderator's Guide
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance
Mood: Pretty good today

Because sometimes it is good to follow...

Because it really is quite lovely...

Reply to this post, and I'll tell you one or a lot of reason[s] why I like/love/adore you. Then put this in your own journal, and spread the love.

Love and Huggles

Conan

Mood: Getting better... :)

The Sun is only outside

Yeah, just came back from my appointment with the bank. I have about two weeks deadline to get myself sorted before my overdraft is cancelled and I find myself $500 in debt. That's not counting all the bills and other expenses that I can't get out of.

Two weeks. I haven't even had one interview. For someone with so much experience and talent, I'm remarkably unemployable it seems - even in this day of being an employees market.

So I'm not doing too good. Dad has offered to help out with rent. But by my calculations the amount he's lending will see me through next week, and then I'll be needing to hit him up again for more money. Not something I thought I'd be doing at the age of 31.

I just want to be able to write, but I can't even do that at the moment because I just look at my work and think "I suck."

Right now, I just want to lay down and sleep forever.

I thought I was past this stage, but today it's all crashing back - I've just made one stupid decision after the other and it all started with me being dumb at the age of 17 and deciding that I wanted to wait until I genuinely fell in love with someone before I had a relationship. Well I didn't know what love was, and I waited and waited and waited. All the time becoming so obsessed with the idea of a relationship.

I'm rambling now. I just feel like there is no hope for me. That I was an idiot for getting so emotional towards Alex and just dropping a good paying job for what? Why did I move down here?

I love Wellington and I want to stay- I can't really leave now - and yet I am completely adrift.

This time... what am I going to do if I don't get a job in two weeks? What am I going to do if I end up panicking and taking a job like Mandatory that I just don't like?

What am I going to do?

Conan

Mood: Not optimistic at all now...

Waiting, Positives vs Negatives

What an evening.

I have a silly habit of getting into debates on RPGnet's forums which often rile me up because I find that there are a number of people on there who seem to not be able to get out of their own headspace.

Essentially this guy stepped up and said that he was sick of people being negative about gamers, and he made a very good case of how you shouldn't let negative experiences put you off your hobby. Then all these people started stepping up and telling him to F-off!

Now he did write in a manner that some people may have found inflammatory, so I stepped up said "hang on, this is what the guy is saying." Then he stepped up and said "yep, thanks for putting it that way."

Then all the people who were angry at him tried to tell me that wasn't what he was saying at all and that he had an agenda.

*sigh*

I couldn't just say "well I'm trained in argumentation analysis" because saying that kind of thing is arguing to authority - which is a faulty form of argument. So I had to take the honest route of presenting the logic behind it all. Unfortunately, none of these people wanted to accept the logic - spending their time making strawman arguments.

See, the problem is that a lot of the unhappy posters were regulars on the Forge. Now the Forge is an indie game forum that started off being about gaming theory and developed into a forum for indie game developers. The problem is that the founder, Ron Edwards, is a very outspoken person who essentially stated that if you didn't use roleplaying games to tell stories well - then you were living in the dark ages.

I find this amusing, because Ron's discussions on narrative are WAY off base on most occasions. Not to mention a number of his other theories. He has a habit of creating buzz words, something that I've seen in philosophy, and it is usually used as an attempt to look like you've made a new discovery. This is why I have no interest in Forge theory - it is full of people who take the position that they are at the forefront of game design. The thing is, they aren't.

But all is not lost - there are cool designers on Forge and there are cool people who come up with some very nifty ideas. OVA, Dogs in the Vineyard - these kind of games exist because of the Forge.

The problem is that there are people whose outspoken, poorly considered comments have stirred up a hornet's nest of resentment towards the Forge. But rather than try to find a middle ground to work out differences, these people then aggressively defend the Forge in a knee-jerk reaction that tends to ignore what is being said.

And this was the case here. A guy stepped up and was honest about what he thought, tried to deliver a positive message, and the Forgites who responded degenerated into name-calling and accusing him of having an anti-forge agenda.

It was very disappointing.

The fact that many forgites tend to miss is that the language they use is exclusive and insulting to many normal players.

Yes, games evolve - but indie games aren't the pinnacle of that evolution. They are the bits of design that come to deadends - but the systems they develop get subsumed into the mainstream to develop new games.

For example, Weapons of the Gods is fast moving from being an indie game to third level mainstream and it uses a much more advanced version of Kickers in the form of Loresheets.

Kickers being a Forge term for character backgrounds that act as jump starts for a campaign.

Which isn't to say that indie games are deadwood - they are still good games, but they are never going to be at the forefront of design. They will always be the weaker beta versions of the systems that do become the forefront of game design...

I, for one, am tired of hearing people from the Forge talking like they are somehow the true roleplaying fans. They are simply a subset of the community who have their particular interest.

The problem has been that Ron Edwards closed the theory forum on Forge and now all the people who used to happily debate there have started hanging out on the other roleplaying forums spouting their theory to people who simply don't give a crap.

Ironically, this has made the Forge a better place to hang because most of the people who remained are all the designers talking about practical game design.

What it has caused though on my regular hangout though is raise the hostility. Because most people on RPGnet have historically disagreed with forgites because RPGnet has always been more interested in practical applications of games. They don't care for theory because they have been constantly told that they are wrong.

So I fear that this negativity is going to keep increasing because a large number of people from the Forge who have moved over to RPGnet refuse to actually discuss. They actually feel that their theories are correct to the point that if you disagree you are just wrong. Yet their reasoning relies on running around in circles and arguing against other people rather than actually providing any proof to support their own theories.

It's the same as the old error of thinking I used to see in media studies. See, the problem with analysis is that you can see whatever you want, because it is like joining the dots. The trick to good analysis is combining analysis with research - something the Forge tends to avoid doing.

When you are analysing game theory, you need to also research the intents of gamers, you need to get solid facts on what designers are thinking when they design their games. If you make an assumption you have to expressly state that you are not drawing on evidence and that you could very well be wrong.

*sigh*

Obviously, I'm a bit miffed over this because it frustrates me. I like discussing new ideas for game design, but the level of intellectual wankery that is occuring is upsetting. Worst still, the problem with arguments is that it becomes more and more easier to get caught up into the wanking and forget the core of the debate.

In the meantime, I'm currently waiting to hear back from all the businesses I have applied for jobs with - I even applied to work for Vagabonds when they move down here. :) Yet to hear back from any of these people.

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Break Today
Currently Running: Fireborn: Rememberance
Currently Listenting to: Funky Dory - Rachel Stevens
Mood: Actually pretty optimistic :)

Sexiest Blogger, Fireborn, The Eternal Hunt

First of all, Nick wins again! Sexiest Blogger. Well, congrats Nick. :D I have to admit, I suspect it was that costume that pushed you over the edge, because it did look like Debz was going to get it until the last day...

Ran Fireborn last night, it was a true hoot. I had a good time, and I suspect that everyone else did too. I'm still amazed at how straight forward combat actually was - it just flew. To give you guys an idea - we started the fight at just before 10pm and finished at 10:25pm. Approx thirty minutes.

I still hunt for a job. I did what I thought I wouldn't do - I applied for the job as manager of Vagabonds Wellington. I figure that it would be cool to have a GOOD gameshop in Wellington, and Vagabonds is reasonably priced. If there is one retail job I enjoy, it's selling games. :) So here's hoping. :)

Not a lot else to say today. Hope everyone is happy!

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Fireborn, Angel
Currently Playing: Fireborn
Mood: Optimistic

A Man on the Hunt

Another day of job hunting - it is getting a bit concerning what I'm going to do about money soon. My Dad is offering to help, but he wasn't very clear how he was going to. It's not like he's rich or anything.

*sigh*

So I am a little worried today about how long this is going to be. When I first moved down it took a month for me to find a job. I'm hoping I wont have to do that again...

I'm feeling a bit pudgy today. I stopped going to the gym when I moved down, and I had been getting a flat stomach again, now it is definitely heading towards a pot-belly. But I'm finding it hard to motivate myself back into the gym. I know I will be fine once I get exercising again - I'm a little masochistic that way, I like the feeling of my muscles knitting from a good healthy workout.

The thing is with my monetary situation, I'm a little nervy.

Still kind of buzzed from Kapcon - so I'm doing good, and I've realised that I'm now feeling more Wellingtonian. :) So I am settling down.

Mash and I talked the other day and I pointed out how at the moment I'm not really mixing in any circles where I'm likely to meet someone to start dating. I had been obsessing about my appearance again, see. I'm trying to improve it, but I worry that I will not meet anyone, or if I do I wont be attracted.

Not that I hate how I look, I just never look good in pictures - my forehead always looks far too large and my chin too small.

I'm not depressed - just kind of... I don't know. Melancholy? :)

Anyhoop - I must go and keep hunting work. :D

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Angel the RPG
Currently Playing: Fireborn: Rememberance
Mood: Neutral

And on the third day, he rested...

Wow. What a cool and excellent weekend! :)


The charismatic Peter Franklyn attending Queen Victoria's Silver Jubilee. Panda Pitt looks quite the stunner - no wonder he won best costume. :D

Saturday

Kapcon opened with a bang for me, straight into running Flight of the Aristola I was given what could almost be called the dream team of first session players - Celeste, Jarrod, Jenni, Nick, Giffy and Nick Beach. There were aliens, runemages and madness! Jenni was a disturbingly convincing Indiana Jones and Nick was, no surprises here, a Bad Ass Lone-elf who lived by his own rules. (But that's why we love ya Nick! :) ) With such a cool team of players, I felt bouyed and positive about the first session and ready to take on the second.

I ended up running Aristola all three sessions - mostly because I stupidly forgot to print out some vital character sheet info for Snow and Thunder, the Weapons of the Gods game I intended to run. And I forgot the beads that it used. :)

In the second round we had more craziness - with a crowd of players who provided me with much entertainment - especially our mad axe throwing Neolli, and heroic Rand who kept telling tales of his mad exploits. It is interesting that out of three players over the Con, two chose the machine gun option for Rand. lol

Interspersed with all this, we had pizza and I got a chance to catch up with Morgue, Jon B. and many of the other Wellingtonians that I only ever get to see during KapCon. :)

The third session really brought things to a rollicking fun close - with a massive air chase courtesy of the only person I know who seems to secretly live the code of the swashbuckler - Johnathon T. :)

After everyone had finished up the third round, we started to get ready for the LARP.

The costumes were amazing, and everyone really made a fantastic effort to get the most out of the game. Which is really what helps to make a LARP successful. Everyone was keen to help each other have a fun evening, and from all accounts it worked.

I played Oscar Wilde - which was an exhausting role to play. Honestly, it is damn difficult to be that witty for three hours straight. :) I thought I had only pulled off a passable part, so imagine my surprise (and delight) when I ended up winning second place for best LARP player.

I've provided a picture of Nick, who was playing a mysterious and charismatic young man, Peter Franklyn. He won best costume for the LARP - what isn't readily visible in the picture are his subtle prothetics. He had tiny little horns which were almost impossible to notice until you had been talking to him for a while, and his ears were slightly pointed. This was because Peter was actually the faerie Puck. I had it on my character sheet that Oscar was verging on obsessed with Peter, and hey, when he looked that good I think everyone was obsessed with him by the end. :D

Luke and Sam also were Fae, Oberon and Titania - and arrived in shocking white make up and their eyebrows drawn further up their heads. Sam was stunning in her almost gothic appearance - a grey victorian dress, her hair in ringlets and a dark black veil across her face. Luke managed to be disturbingly menacing. He was trying to offer people their wishes, but his manner was so frightening, a lot of them simply avoided "the rude foreign man with the creepy face." :)

The best LARP Player was so convincing in her role I almost believed she was in fact a French opera singer. Admittedly, she was an opera singer - but that simply made it all the cooler when she and her fellow singers got up and gave us a recital of two songs. It made the whole game have a sense of authenticity that I feel really helped the players get into the game. Unfortunately, I can't remember her name. :(

Another highlight of the evening was the poetry competition. Jarrod has to get special mention for the impressive "BLOOD!" poem that Ambassador Dracula recited. Mash gave a Tennyson poem, that Lord Tennyson promptly derided as "interesting" (lol) and Emma Darwin read a truly appalling piece of poetry to her husband. Props to her for screaming "RIGGED!" when Chastity won the competition. :)

Sunday

So after a successful day of fun and frivolity, Sunday was a bit of a challenge to show up to - I was exhausted and feeling a bit tired when I showed up. But, naturally, that didn't last long. I'm a real morning person, and so I do my groggy start at about 7am and I'm perky and ready to hit the day by 7:01am. Much to Mash and Ivan's annoyance. :)

I was initially disappointed to have not gotten into Bebop or A/State when I dragged my heels into Hugh's Normality game. That sunk further when I saw the character sheet - rather than anything that remotely resembled rational sense, the sheet was mix of discordian comments and weirdness. I remember thinking when I looked at the sheet - "It is WAY too early in the morning for this!"

Still, I soldiered on because I was intrigued in the game and had heard good things about it. Within the first twenty minutes we were skipping school in a chillingly distopian future and slowly the words on the character sheets began to make a disturbing sense. By the end of the session we were all truly enraptured with this surreal tale of symbolism that ended with us bringing back the creatures of myth to the world.

Morgue made a very interesting comment at the post-Kapcon drinks about Normality - that while it was working on one level as a con game full of symbolism, he soon realised that there was another level to the game that was almost intuitive and hard to describe. I have to agree - at some point that is hard to pick, the group suddenly clicked into this strange second level and even though we seemed to be acting individually, our actions were all connected. It was a very strange experience. And very cool.

After a quick trip down to Subway with Giffy, Hix, Jenni et al it was on to the next round where I finally ran Snow and Thunder. The guys in that game were fantastic - and we all had a ball, especially Jarrod, I suspect, who had great fun being Plum Blossom Xi - the plump kung-fu matriarch who had come out of retirement to find her three missing sons. :)

Then it was the prize giving - where I was surprised to win second place for the LARP. Hix won best GM and Jon B. won best Player. Luke won the Scenario Design Competition and Nick won best costume for the LARP.

Now I'm really keen to get an opportunity to play in a game of Hix's. I've read his Buffy write-ups and he's really a talented GM. We had a chat about gaming, and he strikes me as quite an insightful guy. Hopefully next year we can convince him to enter the SDC as well. Maybe next year I might actually get off my own lazy bottom and write a scenario for a change as well. :D

In the final session - which is really the point where you can relax and have some fun - I got to play in Nick C.'s Firefly game. We had an absolute ball! Of course the stand out performance has to go to Jon B. who proved why he won best player by literally becoming Jayne off the show. He was hilarious. Frank P. was great as Zoe - if somewhat frightening at times when he flirted with his "husband" Wash across the table. I got to be Kaylee - which was so much fun. She's exactly how I like to be - always cheerful and happy. Norman was Mal - and he got some very cool lines off.

I felt a little intimidated - I'm not always good at coming up with the snappy lines, despite appearances - but I had such a good time, that it ended up being the true highlight of the entire con for me. Which I think is kind of a good thing, because it meant I left KapCon on a complete high.

After helping Matt and Debbie clean up, we went back to Norman's place to bask in the afterglow of the convention and share our favourite moments and thoughts. It was a lot of fun and a bit of a shame to go home and realise that it was now all over.

I got a text about one am just as I was about to go to sleep. It kind of summed up my feelings about the con - the happiness and the sense that I was sad to see it gone. Oddly enough, getting that text made me feel good about letting the weekend go so that I could wrap myself up in the memories of it and sleep.

Of course, I then had a lot of dreams about roleplaying last night. Go figure. :D

One last thing before I leave for now -

THANK YOU MATT AND DEBBIE FOR A VERY VERY VERY COOL KAPCON!

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: D6 Fantasy
Mood: Content, warm and full of love for everyone. No, really. :) Hey, I'm in a good mood - that's what I'm like when I'm in a good mood. Get over it. :D HUG!

Wowsa that was a long night...

For the first time in a while I wasn't perky and cheerful when I woke this morning - I was kind of drowsy. But then being up writing to 1:30am and then finishing a book before going to sleep at 2:30am can do that to ya. :)

So here I am with still more work to do on my scenario - which is thankfully near completion - and I feel a little sleepy still.

I am so excited about this weekend! :D

It certainly strikes me as a really great chance to catch up with all my friends, and generally have a good time.

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Nothing! Finished American Gods and it as AWESOME!
Mood: Still waking up... but feeling good.

American Gods - Sleep in - Ruminations on reality

Well I just got out of bed - it's been a long while since I've slept in that much. But in reality, I woke up about 7:30 and read American Gods until now. Haven't finished it, but loving the book. Very cool. :)

Hmmm not much else to really talk about today. I'm going to be spending most of the day working on my scenario and taking it easy. Trying not to stress out and all. :) I didn't go to the interview yesterday after having a serious talk with my Dad who pointed out that I would end up making the same mistake I did with Mandatory.

The thing is, when you're in your teens or studying at Uni, any job will do. You just need to have a regular income. But I'm 31 and I need to be thinking about my future and happiness. I need to have a job that pays me what I'm worth, and that when I show up for work, I actually want to be showing up. So I will keep hunting until the job that pays what I want to be paid shows up. How I will survive in the meantime remains to be seen - but I will survive somehow.

It is a strange thing to be in this place in my life - where I'm hoping to make that change from young adult into full adult. Yet something in me is dissatisfied with the way the world is. Or, more accurately, with the way Humanity has decided to define the world. I know all the logical arguments that people make about money, limited resources etc... but I keep thinking - if resources are so limited, why are there so many more cars in car yards for sale than being driven? Why do restaurants, supermarkets and fast food joints have food that goes off and has to be thrown away? Why, when for the last ten years we've been told that there are hardly any fossil fuels left, is petrol still being used? Are we waiting for the resources to run out before we do something about it?

Well yeah. Because it makes better economic sense apparently.

Which is the flaw with humanity - we place so much importance on money, we forget what the world is actually about. Life. Happiness. Discovery.

Now I'm not saying that life is a disney channel affair - but it is something that is to be experienced and revelled in. I have that on pretty good authority - no, I'm not giving away any sources - that this is what life is about. Not death, not cash, not even the promise of paradise afterwards.

Think about it. If you are meant to spend your physical life in temperance and seclusion. If you aren't supposed to make mistakes and live without doing anything that could make you a "sinner" then how will you be prepared for paradise? What do you think that place would be like?

You enter a realm of purity, but totally unprepared for anything that exists there.

I'm with Nietzsche on this one, it is a waste of your life to be waiting for the next one. The ancients never wasted their lives waiting for the afterlife - most of them revelled in experiencing the world. Even the pre-christians.

But we have tied ourselves up with the wrong ideas. Society is a mess, and worst still - nobody cares. Sure everyone asks "could life be better" but most people take the position of "I'm not happy, but I'll pretend to be content."

Yet you can see it in their eyes... something is missing. What humanity needs is a good slap upside the head and get their act together. It's not about Allah, it's not about YHVH, it's not about any of that.

We are meant to figure out the universe. That's what free will and sentience is all about. But not so that we can control the universe... oh no. Simply so that we can appreciate it for what it is. I see it like this - the universe is a three-dimensional artwork that the artist/s have made. Now we wander this maze of expressionism, but the purpose is so that eventually we will see the entire work and say "wow. So that is what it's all about."

Or maybe not. I always felt that the universe was created for the creator to live in and share. I don't believe that there is a God who sits outside the Universe watching it - because that serves no purpose. What's the point of creating a universe if it isn't even going to be used for long?

People hide behind the claim that we cannot know the workings of a god's mind. I say... bollocks. We are meant to be made in the image of God. We are meant to be granted Free Will. We have the drive to create. We are like God. Sure, we don't make universes - but then we're not gods ourselves. But we can understand a god's purpose.

But to do that, we need to be open to learning the big picture. What it's all about.

However we waste our time chasing money and depleting resources. We spend our time worrying about land and whose god is bigger.

That's not a good use of time. That's a waste. We are in a holding pattern of existence.

So some people don't care what the purpose is. Why should they force that on to those who do? Just as those who care about the purpose of the universe shouldn't force their desires onto the people who don't care.

I still believe there is a system that could balance that out fairly for everyone. Sure it wont be perfect - that's free will and humanity for you - but I do think that it is time to seriously find out what the point of it all is.

Because what if it ended up that there was a time limit to all this. Then we have wasted an awful lot of precious time on things that might not actually matter two jots. Or worse, we could have wasted time on something that will end up getting us into trouble...

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: American Gods by Neil Gaiman
Mood: Contemplative

Interviews, Costumes and Hugs

Yesterday I met up with James P. and thus managed to confirm that he does still exist - or there are some powerful Vodoun in Wellington. :)

Today I have a job interview for a job I actually don't want to do... but I'm thinking I'll show up anyway to just check it out and see if I can get out of it if it ends up one of the dream jobs I've applied for comes through. :) Let's just say it isn't as bad as my last job. :D

I also have to organise my costume for Kapcon today - hmmm, Oscar Wilde... that should be challenging. Nick was telling me how cool his costume is, I'm intrigued now. Apparently it is very sexy and everyone is going to fall in love with it when they see it. Talk about upselling. :) (HUGS!)

Flight of the Aristola is progressing. After talking with Luke I've come up with another development for the system - each PC will have a choice of three secrets, depending on which ones they choose, there will be potential changes in the game's timeline. I'm going to tackle that later today to see if it works. :) I sure know how to pile on the work. ;)

I got my Massey University enrolement and I've realised that if I go extramural, it's going to take me 5-6 years to complete the degree! :S

What I think I will do is try for full-time work and start the degree, see how I go and finish it on campus after I've settled more with work. Basically - see how it all plays out. :)

I'm not sure for certain, but I'm feeling like I'm going to be having a flirty day today... must be these new sexy glasses. :D

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: American Gods by Neil Gaiman
Currently Listening to: You Don't Know Me - Michael Bublé
Mood: Happy, Excited, maybe flirty... :D

Kapcon is coming!

So I'm planning my game for Kapcon at the moment. The Flight of the Aristola - if it goes as I plan - will be a mix of Cthulhu, Indiana Jones and Poirot. I'm writing up the key core events and a description of the layout of the Aristola itself, then I'll be looking at statting up the characters.

With every Kapcon scenario I plan, I always try to do something a little different. I try to inject a sense of involvement for the players - sometimes this works, and sometimes it doesn't. This year I'm going with a more traditional game, but what I've done is create 8 characters for a six player game. The goal of this is so that each game will play a little differently depending on which six characters are involved. Secondly, while the game is based on politics - rather than come up with the political situations, I will be leaving it open to the players to define the world's details. Naturally there will be guidelines - but the feel should be that each group will walk away with a very unique experience while still having a similar frame of reference to draw upon.

I like to personalise my games to suit the group. :)

Also today, I get my new glasses! YAY!!!! And I will also be confirming the existence of James P. Wow!

What a busy day I have ahead of me. :D

Hope everyone has a great day today - catch y'all later!

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: American Gods by Neil Gaiman
Mood:Chipper and happy - again!

Sexcee

Well I've added another poll. Nick won the previous poll by a convincing 27 votes! Guess being a bad ass loner is a plus in a fight. Now we will have to see if he can also score sexiest blogger - but he is up against some tough competition... I've made this poll last a shorter period - so make sure you get voting! :)

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: American Gods by Neil Gaiman
Mood: Perky

Playtesting for Kapcon

Luke:"Who's my Yum Yum?"

So I'm back from a day in the Pram playtesting Paul's Kung Fu game. It was a blast, although we did all kind of act up a little while playing.

The basic set up is quite cool - princess needing help, Kung fu experts hired to help... and Paul used the highly enjoyable Dynamic d6 system that is the core mechanic for Fireborn. All this was in aid of preparing for Kapcon.

Nick:"I'm a tiger! I'm not fricken here to entertain you!"

Kapcon is an annual roleplaying convention held down here in Wellington, and it was the core event that helped me meet a lot of the people who are now my friends here. It's a two day event held over Wellington Anniversary weekend, where six sessions of roleplaying games are played out for prizes, prestige and an all round good time. The prizes aren't really that big a deal - sometimes there are very cool games to be won - but most people actually turn up for the experience.

In a way, Kapcon is like the ironman of the local roleplaying scene. Games start around 9 and go to about 8 in the evening, which is then taken up with a three - four hour Live Action Role Play (LARP), followed by rest before the next run of games the following day. It's a load of fun, a great way to meet other roleplayers in the country and experience new games and styles of gaming.

Debbie:"Soggy Frottage?"

Sometimes things can get a little out of hand though. ;)

Well, I'm feeling rather tired today. A lot has been happening behind the scenes with me recently, and I'm sort of in a confused state about it all. There is work; prepping for Kapcon; thinking about my future; about study and where I want to potentially go; and romance (as usual.)

Or the lack of it, really. One thing that is readily apparent to me is the distinct lack of eligible bachelors who would be open to a relationship - my social circle really isn't the same as the kind I'd hang out in to find a prospective partner. But then I've never really had a social circle in which to look for someone that I'd be attracted to.

Oddly enough, I'd like to be going out with someone who was either a roleplayer, or accepting of my hobby. Not an easy ask.

On top of that, there are some things going on with which I'm not quite sure how I feel about them. Not to do with me - but for some reason I'm reacting to them. Not openly, but deep down something is bugging me. This isn't exactly related to the previous paragraph, just that it is simmering down there.

So yeah, a little confused at the moment. :)

I was thinking about how I really ought to have a few more friends my age - but I'm not really about to just go out and ask people "are you in your late-twenties or early thirties? No? Sorry, can't be friends then."

I worry that I make myself distant at times to people - like my friends here, I sometimes feel a bit awkward because I feel I should be more actively involved, but I don't have anything to say.

Sometimes I want to be more conversational, a little more open. But I think there is something that is making me a little awkward at the moment. Probably because I haven't been friends with them as long as my friends up in Auckland - so it will take a little time for me to get fully comfortable, and to also have that history. Good friendships are built over time, and I shouldn't expect that to happen over night.

I just worry that I'm offending people if I'm off doing my own thing and not making more time for them.

Sometimes I want to be more involved, but I just don't know how to be without being false about it. If I say something, I want it to be natural and not forced. Which isn't to say that it will be profound or anything. More often than not, it isn't. :)

Wow- I can be really silly at times about these things. :)

Recently I've found myself craving physical contact. Not the wey-hey-hey kind, but the intimacy of embracing someone.

I'm missing Alex again.

I'm over the actual situation, I'm more missing the comfortable times we had. We used to hug alot. I remember when we first met we used to just lie on a couch in the Lower Common Room at Uni in an intimate embrace. We didn't call it anything, and we just thought of it as being two friends who were happy with each other's company.

I keep remembering how happy I was back then.

Maybe it's because so much is uncertain for me at the moment, there is something real and solid about holding another human being and trusting them. That feeling of certainty that for this simple moment, the world isn't really important anymore because that intimacy is the entire world and you can just blank everything out.

For me, it is like a kind of meditation almost, a point where my mind calms and the world begins to make sense again.

Well enough ranting waffle from me, I have a lot to organise now, so I'll catch y'all later. :)

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: American Gods by Neil Gaiman
Currently Watching: Around the World in 80 Days
Mood: Positive, but a tinged with melancholy.

Playtests and Relaxing

So this is the first day of my being unemployed again. Ho hum.

Paul is running a playtest today of his kung-fu game, expect a report when I get back home. Not much else to report at the moment.

But how about some figures. :)

Stream of Consciousness

-- Site Summary ---
Visits

Total .......................... 497
Average per Day ................. 22
Average Visit Length .......... 6:27
This Week ...................... 157

Page Views

Total ........................ 1,091
Average per Day ................. 46
Average per Visit .............. 2.1
This Week ...................... 325

Those are the figures for this last week, which is pretty heartening. I've been watching as it has slowly increased. So while not many people are regularly commenting, they are regularly visiting. YAY! I've got some fans. LOL

Well to everyone who is a regular, thanks for taking the time to check out my ramblings. I'll have more to babble about later, I'm sure. Have a great day!

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: American Gods by Neil Gaiman
Currently Playing: Paul's Playtest
Currently Watching: Around the World in 80 Days
Mood: Optimistic and happy

Freedom and Uncertainty

So today is going to be my last day at Mandatory. I'll be glad to finally be free from a job I wasn't enjoying. Hopefully the next manager will better suited for the job.

In the interim, I'm left wondering what I'm going to be doing next. I know that I have a lot of support- I just hope I can find a job that will be in the field I want to work in. Namely communications or media advice.

Not much else for me to say - I'll rant more later. ;)

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: American Gods by Neil Gaiman
Currently Watching: Around the World in 80 Days
Mood: Optimistic

Another down day

Well what a great way to start my day - another rejection for work. I'm really on the verge of panicking now. My gear arrived from Auckland, so I'm now placed here in Wellington, and it's at this point I'm beginning to think maybe I should have moved back to Auckland. :(

I still have no bed, Dad got his info wrong, my skills are too varied and nobody seems to think I'm worth hiring except for retailers - and I don't want to work in retail.

I need to be earning around 40K a year, I have no savings, and in two days - no job.

What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I get my shit together, and why can't I find a job? I'm skilled, talented and a good guy - but it looks like I'm never going to make the cut.

For anything.

Conan

Mood: Yeah, not too good and not wanting to be at my current workplace anymore.

Buddhism, Daoism and Wanting the Unobtainable

So I've been thinking this week about various issues, and it's occured to me how often we seek the things we cannot have. It seems almost like an addiction for most people.

I think about how the more Alex spurned me, the more I pursued. I think of how many of my friends have done the same, the more something became difficult to gain, the more they chased it. The more they chased, the harder it became and so on...

Interestingly, this reminds me of the philosophy of Buddhism - in many of its incarnations.

One of the most misunderstood tenets of Buddhism is that "Life is Suffering."

See the interesting thing about Buddhism is that when the philosophy states this, it's not actually saying what many think it's saying.

The thing that Buddha was saying was that life is full of suffering because of desire. It's not a cry that there is no hope, but rather that it is part of life to desire things, and that the act of desire never ends. Once we achieve the thing we desire, we become restless and set a new desire when we realise that the thing we sought wasn't what we really wanted.

Now Buddhism kind of implies that what we really want is to return to the void and be at peace where there is no desire, and thusly no suffering.

Of course, according to Buddha the only place where there is no desire is a big empty nothingness. Hence buddhism is about becoming nothing and wanting for nothing. It's a smart approach, in some ways.

Daoism is very similar, funnily enough. Again, Daoism identifies that actively seeking things and pushing your way through life is the way to suffering. Like Buddhism, Daoists try to personally seek nothing - but Daoists don't seek to become one with the void- rather they seek to become one with the Universe. Rather than nothing, they seek to become everything.

The difficult bit of all this is, of course, that they must be like the Asthetics and seek without desiring. A tough challenge.

The Asthetics sought to discover true beauty - but one could not gain from the experience, rather they just basked in it and said "hm. That's true beauty. I appreciate it. Now I must move on. Cherry pie, anyone?"

Buddhists approach this by meditating, they clear their minds of desire and try to quieten their minds to touch the void- the nothingness. Thus they manage, for a time, to avoid desire and thus suffering.

Daoists stop actively forcing the universe and instead open themselves to everything - reacting to the signals that the universe sends them and thus begin to work in harmony with the Great Work. Many daoists rely on fortune telling and the like to help them identify what it is that the universe is doing - they are believers that there is a great Way to all things, and to act in harmony with it is to discover contentment.

Asthetics are a confused mix of these ideas.

And yet there is something there with the idea of desire. I've been trying to figure out if I would be content without desire - because although it can bring suffering, if tempered with a near daoist approach to things - it can also bring moments of true happiness.

I have found that once you start looking at things as either in harmony or out of harmony, life becomes a lot more magical. When you get a glimpse of that Way, where the world seems to serendipitously work in some great pattern, there is this flash of calm and hope. There is a feeling of everything is going to work out.

This, I suspect, is why many people take up religion. They seek to rediscover that brief moment of "eureka" that they had, and they equated with their religious awakening.

But again we come to the problem of seeking - life is suffering. If we drive the universe to our will, this becomes a truth.

Where am I going with all this? Can't say for sure. I'm still puzzling it out. I can't imagine being a pawn to the universe is a good thing, or even the truth of the matter. Rather, I believe that the Universe wants what is best for you, and it leaves clues as to what paths you can take to get those things.

When you finally step in the right direction, it opens things up for you. If not, it leaves you to flounder.

Which isn't to necessarily say that the universe is a conscious entity, but rather I am anthropomorphising what seems to me to be some natural process. It's a suitable fable to help understand a metaphysical concept.

So how does that relate to my situation? I need to have faith that if I follow my gut, things will work out.

Of course there are some things that my gut is saying that I just can't quite find any evidence to support. So maybe I should just have faith that whatever I do, I have faith that it will work out for the best in the long term - because eventually it does. I have an unshakable belief that when all things come to run their course, it all works out in the end.

I have always felt this, and I always will. Things eventually work out, suffering is transitory.

Still... it would be nice to have some of that stuff working out for me now rather than later. :)

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: American Gods by Neil Gaiman
Currently Watching: The Complete Black Adder
Mood: Hopeful and calm

Holding Pattern

So here I am, having just read a number of the crazy comments on Mash's Livejournal about geeks and non-geeks. Now I'm trying to think about what I'm going to write in my blog today. Wow, I don't think I could ever be controversial enough to score 77 comments. :D (Haloscan would probably have a fit too.)

But it has made me wonder about social skills.

I like to think I'm a pretty well socialised person. Of course here in Wellington most of my friends are roleplayers, I have very few non-roleplayer friends. But back in Auckland I had friends from all walks of life, and they all were keen to keep in touch. Ironically, I found my gamer friends were a lot more socially adept than my non-gamer friends, and I think that this is something that Mash hasn't noticed.

See, most non-gamers think a party is loud music, drink, drugs and shagging. Not much else. In my experience, Gamers like to drink, but they also like to talk - and they will talk at length about all manner of topics. Not only this, but at gamer parties, they will mingle and chat, generally build up a strong network of friendships - which is very healthy if you want to game. Hell, I moved cities and walked right into a sizeable social network that has really helped me through the tough relocation phase. I watch my non-gamer brother at the moment and realise how lucky I am. He has two friends here in Wellington, not including me. That's it. He doesn't know anyone else. He's been searching for a flat, and only just found one - and it isn't cheap.

I got down here and was able to get accomodation, sort out a flat and even set up a new gaming group with relative ease because of my local connections.

So I guess that puts paid to Mash's theory.

As for the dancing theory - I saw Nick's argument that equating dancing with other... pursuits... was a bit odd. But I do think that it has a different equation - dancing means that the guy probably is willing to try out things, and has a healthy variety of interests.

I love to dance - and I regret that I haven't had the time or inclination to do it for a while. Here's hoping that changes soon. :D

About eight years ago I was almost pipped to go to the Ceroc National Champs. :D I love a good rhythm. ;)

Books

So I'm currently sorting out ideas in my head about books to write. I may do a poll later, but I'm at the moment trying to decide on:

Future Fantasy: A future fantasy story that will subtlely look at terrorism and its effect on societies.

Modern Fantasy: A Modern Fantasy that links our beliefs with an ancient history. While this has been done before, it hasn't been done the way I'm planning. ;) The story will look at issues of responsibility, the division of things and how we see our world today.

Modern Fantasy Short Stories: The last is the idea I proposed to the House of Modern Letters about - a series of modern fantasy stories set in Wellington.

So what do you guys think?

In other news, I may be getting set up on a blind date. So I'll keep you all posted on how that turns out. I also got news that a friend of mine in Auckland is having a bit of hard time - so I send him my love and support, hope he's feeling better soon and sorts out things. Finally, I got a bit of a shock recently that I don't want to go into detail about because it's a bit personal, but it was something I had been expecting to hear. :) The funny thing is the shock came from what emotions it stirred up. Let's just say that it wasn't the reaction I had been expecting. So I've been thinking about that recently too - kind of ties in with stuff I've been discussing for a while, but the details are not really related to this blog, so I'm going to be captain mysterioso over that one. :D

Hehehe

I like being Captain Mysterioso.

*ahem*

Just to be clear - I'm not dying, no one I know has died (that I'm aware of), I haven't ended up sleeping with Julia Roberts or Brad Pitt, I'm not hidden nobility. It's just something that relates to things I've been keeping to myself - because I have to have some personal secrets, even from you guys. :D

Right, well that's enough prattle from me for one evening. Catch y'all later! Have a good night!

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: American Gods by Neil Gaiman - it's actually getting interesting now...
Currently Watching: The Complete Black Adder
Mood:Thoughtful, Excited, Warm and Fuzzy... oh, that's from the heat my laptop is giving off. :P lol

Love is a Force of Nature

Wow - I watched the trailer for this film, and man - do I wanna see it. :D

In other news, I'm being set up on a blind date at some point in the near future... so here's hoping that it goes well. *chuckle*

Also, my younger brother is now in Wellington. We spent Sunday hanging out and met up with his friend, Peter, who is a nice and easy going guy. Although he is a bit... I don't know... something felt a little odd.

Not much else to say - I think my last rant really covered a lot of the bases. :)

Catch y'all later!

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: American Gods by Neil Gaiman
Currently Watching: Hudson Hawk
Mood: Pretty good- just feeling a bit sleepy. :)

Love, Passion and Responsibility

Last night while walking home from Paul's get together, Mash and I got into a bit of a discussion about people and relationships. It was an interesting discussion because Mash managed to make the astute observation that relationships are something we all obsess about. Either we want to be in one or we obsess about the relationships we are in.

Long time readers of Stream of Consciousness would be aware that this is a big issue for me - but it might help to put some context on the matter.

See, I have never been in a real relationship. I have the uncanny knack of choosing to want to be with people who have no interest in having any form of intimate relationship with me. I sometimes jokingly refer to this as The Curse. If I find myself attracted or passionate about a person - then they probably aren't interested in me. Or if they are, they quickly stop being interested.

Funny that.

So what am I doing wrong? Well, I spend a lot of time trying to work that one out. The upshot is that I just am often picking the wrong type of person. Bad luck, essentially. I need someone who isn't afraid of passion - and I'm not talking about the yelling in the bedroom kind of passion... I mean something more deep-seated.

See, I'm a very passionate person. I'm stubborn, driven, and committed to my core beliefs. That also means that when I love someone, I'm sometimes freaky focused on that person. To the point, I feel, that I make them uncomfortable because a lot of people just can't handle that much attention from one person.

I'm very aware of the risk of becoming a stalker type - and that is something I worry about constantly. Because that is the other side of my personality - I'm also very empathic. I care, and I do try to see things from other viewpoints - which is why I tend to back off from straight out revealing my feelings for certain people.

Getting back to the point - our discussion moved into some areas based around my once-time goal of doing a Masters and Doctorate in Philosophy.

Now I am realising that was my real passion.

I was working on a philosophy about Human Nature and Responsibility. The upshot was that I suspected that there is something fundamentally missing in the way humanity views itself. That we have developed this overbloated idea of what it is to be human without actually actively understanding what humanity really is.

It all comes down to how we don't want to take responsibility for who we really are.

Whenever I hear people say "It's human nature to..." I often realise that more often they are actually saying "it's not my fault, because I have no free will."

The problem is, you do. People will continue arguing against free will because they don't want to be responsible. They think too black and white - the universe doesn't.

Which isn't to say that I'm condoning immoral actions - but rather that if you make a choice to change, or if you work to be a better person - that matters to the Universe. The Universe doesn't see people as irreparably evil or unshakingly good. Sure, there are people out there who are - but most of us are grey. We spend so much time trying to not accept that, though.

I'm not sure this is quite coming out the way I want it to.

What I'm trying to say is that it matters more that you take responsibility for your choices - revel in the freedom that gives you.

I know I haven't always lived up to that myself. Even on this blog I sometimes avoid discussing certain issues and feelings because I don't want to risk the fallout.

But I know why I do it, and I accept that I have made the choice.

You see, I once wrote a lot about my feelings regarding Alex and another friend. It ended up costing me a friendship because I said things that my friend felt were bad - and he didn't like them being on a public forum.

The thing was, I was merely being honest about my feelings. And I had discussed the situation with him.

Now, I still hold stuff back. Not that I have anything bad to say, but rather that I'm feeling conflicted, I guess.

How easily we choose to fall in love, to have passion and yet we don't want to ever take the responsibility that comes with those choices. I've come to realise that a lot of my depression and general state of discomfort has come from a lack of passion. Alex was a passion for me, something that drove me for four years - and now that's gone.

I need to rediscover my passion in life - not necessarily fall in love with someone, but have something that drives me. That's why I've been down because I realise that I have lost that passionate focus- and I did so by my own choosing.

So what do I want? Now is a good time to start making some resolutions - I'm a few days late in making them, but let's see if I can make some. And let's see if you guys might be able to help me keep them by just letting me know when it sounds like I'm straying from the path. Passion rarely just starts up fully formed - it often needs time to grow. I need to be patient.

Love: I want to fall in love for real this year. This isn't something I can do, but I need to make myself open to the possibility- where ever it comes from. I'm ready to fall in love now. Maybe I'll look at going out clubbing sometime and see if I meet anyone.

Writing: Damn it, I keep calling myself a writer, but what have I written recently? I need to come up with a book and stick to it regardless of anything and get the damn thing finished. This year I will write a novel, get it to an agent and get it published.

Philosophy: I want to help change the way the world thinks. I want to show the world that you can be happy and that it does take facing those scary things about yourself to get there. That ultimately we are all capable of great things...

Here's hoping that I can rekindle my passions... :)

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: American Gods by Neil Gaiman
Currently Watching: Angel Season 4
Mood: Optimistic but kind of wanting to be in someone's arms today...

Well whaddya know...

Heheehe - Well I did the Seven Deadly Sins test, and here were my results. :)

Greed:	Medium
Gluttony:	Medium
Wrath:	Very Low
Sloth:	Medium
Envy:	Very Low
Lust:	Medium
Pride:	Medium

Discover Your Sins - Click Here

I feel somewhat vindicated. :)

Love and Huggles

Conan

A day of... well... thoughts

Man, I need to take meditation at some point. :) My brain has been working overtime today - just so many thoughts all happening at once. I remember once reading a book that referred to the human brain as "the chattering monkey." It was about how meditation is often used to try and quieten it, because it constantly wells up with flittering considerations and concepts.

I guess, in a way, this blog is a form of meditation - a psychic dumping point for my thoughts. But it also serves as a place to express my honest feelings in a manner that I often find the spoken word has trouble with.

I know that some people use blogs to be witty, or to make astute social commentary - and I'd like to be able to do that. But ultimately I feel that the best way of communicating anything I have to say about that is by communicating how I am thinking and feeling about myself.

The point being that I want people to be able to read my posts and either say "wow, I feel the same way too! I'm not the only one!" or "wow, I never thought about it like that. That never happened to me."

Now as it has probably been seriously obvious over the last few months, I've been concerned with relationships and the future. Namely my future. Well there have been some things I haven't openly mentioned. I think I've alluded to them on occasion, but I haven't (to my conscious knowledge) out right spoken about them.

Not to say that I'm going to give a sudden revelation of every little iota of thought I have had - there are some things that are always best left unsaid. I do think that most of what I have been thinking is visible if you look deep enough - but if you're not looking, nothing to worry about. :) It obviously isn't important enough to you, and that's totally cool by me.

But there are some things that I feel I need to start building on for future posts.

My brain is almost constantly processing information about the structure of modern Western society. Why? Because despite all claims to the contrary, something doesn't feel equitable to me. I have a suspicion that money and economics comes into the equation, but that's not the core of the problem but rather a measure of what is really at the core. One of my goals when I looked at doing my Masters in Philosophy last year was to start work on a theory regarding humanity and the concept of responsibility - but I kind of wimped out at the last moment. It is something that does take up a lot of activity when I'm in my more relaxed states.

Relationships and intimacy. This is another constant process. As you probably can tell I am regularly plagued with thoughts about all this. It's been in the forefront especially recently because I haven't hugged anyone seriously since I've moved down here. There have been a couple of occasions - but not many. Part of this is because it doesn't feel right in the circumstances, in Auckland I had people that I was comfortable hugging because we had the kind of intimate friendships where it didn't feel weird or an invasion of someone's personal space. The reality is that I really need to find that person that I can be intimate with on both a personal and social level. Thing is, it's not happening anywhere that I can see. It's tough when I want to feel the contact of being with someone - but that kind of relationship has to be mutual. And I need to find the kind of person who the mutual feeling exists with. It's really causing me a high level of inner distress, and my brain is currently at war with my instincts at the moment. Because I need to be patient. It will likely be a while before anything comes along.

I worry about finding a job - this was another thought constantly plaguing me today. I've applied for a couple of jobs, but I finish work soon and I have nothing to move on to yet. I can only pray that it will work out.

Alex. I think less about Alex now than I used to, but every so often... well the thoughts are still there. I really was in love. Shame Alex wasn't.

What brought all this on? Well I was thinking about the movie I saw today - Howl's Moving Castle. In it one of the main characters was without a heart, and it made me think about relationships and those of us who find ourselves emotionally stranded.

I had a great day, don't get me wrong. I wasn't all mister mopey or captain depression. I'm beginning to even out a little - I just have this undercurrent of vulnerability going on. I just have this constant urge to be comforted and held. To be able to lie down and have someone holding me gently and simply letting me take time out and draw some strength from the feeling.

I'm not really sure what else to say at the moment. Maybe it's just the exhaustion talking - I am feeling pretty tired now.

I had a great day, and I'm not depressed, just very contemplative. Wondering how long I will be waiting for someone to sweep me off my feet. :)

In the meantime, I'm actually doing well. Howls Moving Castle gets a two thumbs up - Miyazaki at his best. Also having good company helped as well. :D I'm just in a very thought filled frame of mind this evening. :)

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: American Gods by Neil Gaiman
Currently Watching: Buffy Season 7
Mood: Contemplative, Feeling good - still needing hugs though... :D

Invasions and Silliness

So I'm going a bit chez geek today. But the new patch for WoW (World of Warcraft) is damn shiny. There is an upcoming war and everyone is being asked to join in the effort - I like the whole immersive and involving element of that. :)

In other news, looking for work is still tough. There's very little out there at the moment - but I'm still looking. Fingers crossed that I find something in time. :)

Other than that - not a heck of a lot to report. I'm hoping to buy some trainers today so that I can go back to the gym. Exercise really helps keep me positive. :D

All the best!

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading:American Gods by Neil Gaiman
Currently Watching: Buffy Season 7
Mood:Hopeful and positive

The Hunt for the Right Job

So it's almost time for me to go back to my current job, and I'm having a little bit of a stress about what the future holds. I just realised that there is only this week and the next left for me to find a new job.

So far - no luck. :(

I'll be going into the week of Kapcon without a job and heavily stressed... although it does look like I will get enough holiday pay to cover the bad bit. :) So it isn't all bad.

I've been looking on Seek and Jobstuff today and there are still very few jobs that make me leap up and go "YES! I can do that!"

I don't want to go into retail, I'd prefer a 9-5 mon-fri job. These are nowhere near as simple as I had though they would be. *Sigh* :)

Ideally, I'd like a job that will have some degree of point to it. Not just another "filler job" like manager or the like. I'd like something which would help people.

Maybe I should go back to Uni and finish Psychology...

Well it's time for me to leave. Enough of my musings for now. :D

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: American Gods by Neil Gaiman; Weapons of the Gods RPG
Currently Watching: Buffy Season 7
Mood: Thoughtful and warm

Attraction, Beauty and other things

Yesterday we had a very kick ass session of Weapons of the Gods. My friend, Luke, ran the scenario of the Kapcon game that he intends to run and it was very cool. I must admit that it has convinced me even more that this is a cool game. :D

The system was quick, and the Kung-Fu was fun. There was plenty of smacktalk all round too. We also took some time to watch The Stormriders (crap) and a Kung-Fu/Wuxia classic, Iron Monkey (Very cool.)

Beauty and Attraction

Now for the rant bit of my blog today...

I was thinking about these things yesterday, just in the back of my head, for a number of reasons. Part of it has to do with discussions that were had at Nick and Nasia's New Year's party, part of it has to do with various events over the last year, and part of it has to do with things like my own self-image.

See, somedays I look in the mirror and I think about how I look. What is attractive on the surface? I sometimes make faces and think about all the different expressions, how they make my face look and whether I feel if I am seeing how I feel inside visible on the surface. I guess, in a way, I sometimes try to see if I can spot my inner beauty through some clue in my physical features.

Because I have a feeling that all people do have something beautiful about them - just in some people it is easier to see than others. I have on occasion looked at my friends, my workmates and strangers and tried to identify something beautiful about them - and trust me, it isn't always easy.

Why do I do this?

I'm not 100% sure. I think it is partly because I don't want to feel that I might miss something that is of value. Or maybe it is important to me to remember that if all these people have a beauty, then I must too.

Because somedays I look in the mirror and I see the flaws - my stained teeth, my acne-scarred face, my receding hairline, my stomach. I see these things and I worry that I will never be attractive enough for the kind of person I am attracted to. Because I do think I have a tendency to be very picky.

Admittedly, Alex had that typical English look - kind of cute, but really looked more like a horse.

Also had no chin to speak of.

Was scrawny and kind of weedy all over.

But there was a beauty I was attracted to. The smile was so inviting. So funny and caring.

What is it that attracts us to people?

I think about what I find attractive - a youthful personality, but also maturity. Beautiful eyes. A ready smile. A gentle soul, but not a pushover. Someone who can be funny, and someone who can just be quiet and thoughtful.

But I also think about how some people I have turned away because despite the beauty I could see - there was something I always found hard to place. Something that didn't attract me. I suspect it was, in part, to do with my thinking too much about sex.

Sex for me is an odd topic. I like it - but not enough it seems. See, I want someone who I can be intimate with and not have to have sex all the time. Sex always feels kind of awkward because I have never actually had sex with anyone I genuinely loved, and I always felt kind of guilty during because of this.

Maybe it's my catholic upbringing, but I still feel that sex should be something special - not because sex is special, but because for me it is an offering of something that is not given to everybody.

So it has meant that I have been without sex for... well... a long time.

But I don't want to rush off and just get a hot piece of ass or anything like that. I want to fall in love again. I'm ready for love - I've been ready for almost fifteen years. Which brings me back to attraction.

A friend of mine's boyfriend once tried to identify my "type." We were out one day and he asked me to mention whenever someone I thought was attractive walked past. So I dutifully pointed out each and every occasion that I saw someone attractive, and Ian was getting frustrated because he was having a hard time spotting any similarities.

Then he pointed at someone and said - "over there. Right?"

And he was. Then he spotted another person. And another.

So my friend asks Ian what my type is, as Ian had obviously figured it out.

Ian gave this pained and confused look. He answered that he didn't know what it was, but he could just tell who by looking at them. It was something intangible, but he reckoned that there was something in the face - not physical, but in the way they looked, almost in the eyes.

Even now, I can't tell you what my type is. But I can tell you what attracts me most- something I see in their eyes. I don't know what it is, but I know that eyes are very important to me in the process of attraction.

So have I met anyone while down in Wellington that has caused me to go "hmmm?"

Well I've met a couple of people who have fit that bill - but nobody who is available or interested. Most of the people I have met have been part of the same social group - and I suspect that the pickings for a guy like me are slim. :)

Besides, I am at that point now where I need to be romanced for a change. I spent four years romancing a person who gave me nothing in return. All our friends fell in love with me, because they saw how hard I tried and how considerate I was. They saw how I battled with myself to do things right and not be too pushy and not be too disinterested.

But I sucked at the romancing thing. I'm not confident enough in myself and it shows. That's where my mirror gazing suffers most. I look in the mirror and I see the fear, the sorrow and I find myself asking - who could fit in this reflection with me?

I am a good person, I know. I'm also a loving, caring person who wants everyone to be happy.

This is the absolute truth.

It's just that I sometimes think I'm pretty bad at that. And sometimes I think that I'm too selfish, too dominating, too ignorant.

These things aren't true.

So what am I getting at? I'm not really sure. I'm trying to identify that at the moment. I want to be loved, but I worry that I make myself unlovable. Or maybe just unavailable.

It's an important issue to me - I don't want to go another year without finally having a relationship with a person I actually love. I don't want to fall for someone only to see them end up with someone else, and then be left thinking to myself 'what did I do wrong?'

Yet, I'm too tired to go out there into those old social circles where I could find someone. It's too hard, too difficult and not the place that I feel comfortable.

So where does that leave me?

I just don't have the answers I seek. So I wait here hoping that some miracle will occur...

And I just try to smile through it all.

Conan

Currently Reading:Weapons of the Gods Vol. 2; Weapons of the Gods RPG; American Gods by Neil Gaiman
Currently Watching: Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 7
Mood: Heartachey and World weary...