Today I've been feeling kind of neutral. I've applied for heaps of jobs this week already - in fact the amount of time I've spent on the net hunting has caused us to go over our bandwidth. Thank god today it just got refreshed. :)
But I'm kind of in a strange place today. Tonight Luke starts his Unknown Armies campaign - which I am very keen about. It certainly sounds like it will be a blast. :D
On the other side of things, my mind is a bit... preoccupied with thoughts.
Yesterday Nick and I went over to hang out with Giffy. On the way to pick Nick up Giffy and I had a rollicking talk about various subjects and it kind of lingered on relationships. We talked about how the person you love the most tends to hurt you the most. That set off something in my brain about my feelings as of late. I'm not so much confused as trying to make sense of a few things.
Now, I'm not saying I've fallen in love recently - anyone who knows me knows that I haven't really been socialising as of late - rather a lot of strange stuff has been happening in Conanland- my brain.
I think about Alex every day. If this were some movie, my time in Wellington would almost be a montage sequence before I somehow ended up knocking on Alex's front door and we would realise we were made for each other and live happily ever after.
The thing is - life isn't a romantic comedy. So that leaves me in a bit of a strange state.
I love Alex, see, but I'm also aware that it was never going to be a two way kind of love. Now I care deeply about my friends here, but it isn't the same.
I feel like I'm kind of on hold, really. For a moment, yesterday, I thought about how Alex and I could never fight in person, it was always over text or MSN or email and sometimes the phone. But in person, we just got sad if we ended up fighting.
Does that mean that Alex *did* love me? Even though whenever I asked the response was always "I don't feel anything for you."
Hope is a nasty thing. Sometimes we end up saying we love someone, but not meaning it in the big L version, but rather in the standard affectionate for the moment way. I know, I've done it myself. When all the emotions have boiled up and you just blurt it out, only to realise much later that you only cared.
It's like the old wives tale of eskimos have several different words for snow. What they are actually describing are different degrees - why don't we have such an effective language for love? It's not so simple, but we all want it to be.
True Love - was that what Alex and I had? In our belligerent stubborn denial of it, we ruined our chance at true happiness?
I don't want to believe that.
I'm not the attractive guy I used to be. I've let myself get too overwhelmed in silly things. But I don't hate myself - there is still hope.
Hope that someone will want to take a chance with me. Hope that I will be loved for the first time in my life. Hope that I will find a job that I will enjoy and grow in.
Hope is good. But it is also one of the scariest things...
I have hope for a number of things right now. That's what gives me strength - the knowledge that when all will be said and done, it works out for the best. The journey through life makes us stronger souls for it.
Right now, I wish I had my arms around someone and kiss them on the lips... Right now, I wish hope became fact.
And right now, I don't want that person to be Alex at all... Does that mean I'm getting better?
Love and Huggles
Conan
Currently Reading: Angel the RPG
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go
Mood: Romantic dreamer but a little fretful...
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