Facing the Dragon

A lot happened to me today. :)

Firstly, I had a face-off with the head of the psychology department. I needed to get his signature showing approval of my proposed course, which the previous week I spent a considerable amount of time ensuring that it would balance.

I caught the head kind of off guard, because he had proven to be difficult to approach and I'd just simply not thought of e-mailing him (silly me.) Anyway he was quite curt and grumpy while I tried to explain what I was hoping to achieve. He poo-pooed my previous psychology training, which I found amusing, especially when he then admitted that he had no idea about any of the courses I'd applied to do and claimed that they didn't relate to each other in anyway.

I pointed out that I had spoken to the convenor who had initially planned all of them and had spoken to him about my plans after I completed the diploma. We had designed the course to best utilise my knowledge, and to provide me with the tools and knowledges to help me in any potential post-graduate study.

I then pointed out that I had planned the course so that I was only doing level 200 papers prior to doing the 300 levels. I had also planned out to do the requisite statistics papers as well. He said that nobody could possibly do a psychology major in a single year, I pointed out that the university, the humanities department and the other schools seemed to think differently. Then he tried to argue that 300 level papers were difficult. I reminded him that I did know this, I already had degree.

So grudgingly he signed the form, finding no more arguments to present. I admitted that I was aware of the workload I was setting myself, and had designed the course to maximise my chances of completing it effectively.

Now I appreciate his attitude - because he was making sure that I was committed to the diploma. It is a lot of work cramming essentially 2-3 years of study into one year. I need to be determined and commited to succeeding, and I will be able to remind myself each time I flounder how he looked at me and said "no-one has ever succeeded at doing that."

I've done this level of study before - it can be done. I did it in my last year of my BA where I had to do catch up for one of my subjects. It was very tough, but I did it. It most definitely can be done and has been done. :)

As if to prove it, I attended a very light 100 statistics class that actually sounds like it will be a lot of fun. The next lecture, the 200 level psychology paper, was the one that scared me. I was worried that I was leaping into the deep end without any idea. However, once the lecturer started talking, I understood everything he was talking about and how it related to the subject - so I'm fairly confident that I will be able to do well this year. :)

So watchout Victoria Uni, I'm going to prove that old dragon wrong. :)

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: A Game of Thrones
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood: Determined and Excited

Into the Lion's Den

Today's the day! I'm heading back to University, and I'm excited and nervous all at once.

Last night I had an anxiety dream about my teeth - often a sign of financial worries, but also related to real life in this case. I'm worried that my front teeth have a shadow in them which make me fear that they are not healthy. So I'm hoping that once I'm settled into a job I can go to a campus dentist to get them looked at. It could be nothing, I do tend to worry about crazy stuff - but I want to get it looked at soon.

I'm still excited about today though - it's looking very very very cool! :D

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: A Game of Thrones
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood: Excited and bouncy!

Looking for the words...

I've been thinking over and over what I wanted to write about today. First I was going to write about some of the results from the Nohari/Johari windows - particularly how a couple of the Nohari responses seemed to not only contradict themselves, but what people said in the Johari posts, and how a particular choice of adjective on person suggested actually got to me because it was almost the antithesis of everything I stand for.

Then that led me to thinking about how we define words. So I thought that rather than get huffy, I should think about why that word had been chosen and try to understand the context it may have been in. Which led me to think about my old communications course which pointed out an interesting model that explained a lot about why such situations arise.

See, the biggest problem that people have with communication - and this sort of plays into the thoughts Mash had earlier about honesty - is they assume that everyone is thinking like they are.

But a normal exchange tends to go something like this:

Thought -> Filters through brain's definitions of language based on various experiences and interpretations -> spoken -> travels through the air and interacts with any barriers (i.e. noise, walls, telephoneline) -> enters ear and sound travels to the brain -> brain filters information based on individual's definitions of language based on various experiences and interpretations -> information received -> thought.

The thing that this shows is that from the intention or thought that initiates the communication, it travels through several filters and redefinings that alter the thought sometimes into something wildly different than intended. This is why it is important when receiving information, to confirm it. And why if you are giving information, it is important to be as clear and direct as possible.

So I realised that this was likely going to be the case here too.

Which lead me to thinking about honesty again and what Mash had said earlier about how honesty is not really what we look for from friends. Now this I find interesting, because I both agree and disagree. You can tell the truth without being a wanker - but it is reliant on both people agreeing that the truth is better than a nice lie.

But at the same time, Mash is right. Friends don't want to ruin their friendships, so they will tell white lies to avoid hurting each others feelings. Which creates a bit of a catch 22 situation.

I like to think that I'm honest. I prefer to avoid saying something rather than lie if I can help it. But I know that I am just as prone as anyone else to lying.

The thing is, if I think the truth helps, I sometimes say things bluntly. Yes, I try to soften the blow - and I remember a friend getting pissed off at me for softening the blow before I said the harsh truth. But if he could see that I was softening the blow, I ask myself, why did he decide to think I was out to offend him? Isn't it a friend's job to soften the blow before saying the honest truth?

I know being told negative things hurts. Hey, the Nohari thing has really hurt me in some areas. But I also know that I did choose to ask - and I have to take those lumps and think about whether I agree with my friends or not. Then, try to do something about it.

I'd rather have that truth than pretend to think that I had no flaws.

Anyway, looking over my Johari window- I do a pretty good job of making up for my flaws it seems. :) So I have things to consider.

Which brings me back to definition. See, a majority of people defined me as "Caring" where as I chose "Loving."

Talking with Fraser and Mash, they thought of loving as relating to being in a relationship - something I have never been in nor that they have seen me in. I thought of loving as, well, just loving people in general and having a loving nature. Caring I felt was a little more impersonal.

It's all about how we define our words. Something that I constantly try to remind myself - especially when I manage to get myself in one of my infamous "debates." :)

So what is the point of today's post? Well, firstly, I want to thank everyone who did the Johari/Nohari windows. I appreciate your honesty. :) I may not agree with everything, but it gives me something to think about.

Secondly, I want to try and impart to you all the importance of thinking about how your own assumptions and definitions effect your communication and relationships. It's a lesson I still am learning, and it is an important one that I think we can all benefit from.

On a lighter note, apparently my personal DNA suggest that I'm a
Benevolent Creator.


Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: A Game of Thrones
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood: Feeling thoughtful

Okay, I'll bite

So I'm also joining the Johari fad. While I understand that Johari really only becomes a beneficial tool with the aid of a trained counsellor, it should be an interesting exercise. :) Here, also is my Nohari. Let's see what shows up, yah? :)

In other news - again, apologies to people for yesterday. I've been in a bit of a down mindset, and I think it made me a little more cynical than I am usually. :D

Not much else to say today - although I'd be keen to hear ideas for what the next poll should be about. :D

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: A Game of Thrones
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood: Pretty good today. :)

Why short-term thinking rarely works...

It quite astounds me the number of people who seem to think that I should be leaping up and looking at a job solely because it pays money.

While such a decision seems on the surface, pragmatic, it simply isn't that straight forward. See, I've been in the workplace for longer than I've been in tertiary study, I know what "think about the money before education" leads to.

It leads to depression. Loneliness. Regret and dissatisfaction.

The thing that all of you who are leaping at telling me to take the job over university are missing is that I'm thirty-one. If I want a career in psychology, I need to get my qualifications sooner rather than later. It's easier for me at 33 to be looking at research grants than at 35 and competing with younger researchers.

It is also a case of not being able to commit to work because I'll always be thinking "next year I go to university" at which point I still need to be making all the financial worries I'm going through now but with the added worry of "should I really give up this job I don't like, and suffer the major income loss for a dream?"

That's why such short-term thinking as "take the job and worry about your future when you're financially stable" leads to so many people being depressed in their lives. Better to chase a dream and be happy that you gave it a shot than to languish in a job you hate.

Not to say that I will hate the job I'm being interviewed for, I'm going in there keen to find out about it and if it sounds cool, I'll be happy to take it. I have an other interview today as well for a part-time job to support me while I'm at university - because I have been thinking in the long-term. So that kind of puts paid to the whole not having an income theory. I've been keeping myself open to the various opportunities.

Not meaning to be harsh to those who have been kind enough to give me advice, but I am wanting to be clear about why I'm not going to just leap up and agree. This degree could open a great deal of doors for me, and is potentially worth the extra year of lower income. I've been surviving so far, and with a job that pays reasonably well, I am certain I can manage to handle my bills and expenses while at Uni.

So it becomes an issue of do I think I can do University, or will I crash and burn? That's what I'm thinking about. What if I'm not skilled enough for the job? That I get it and find it too much for me, but if I'd taken that year out at university I may have picked up the necessary skills to do well at it.

These are all very important things to consider.

Once I would have just lept at the job, but back when I did that last time I ended up being stuck at Sky City for three years until I finally had the guts to return to university and finish my degree.

So thanks for the advice, but saying "think about the money" has never worked with me before, and it wont even now. If you genuinely think I should take the job, it will need to be for a much better reason than that. I know what makes people depressed, and it is taking advice like "just think about the money." So many bad things have happened from people thinking like that...

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: A Game of Thrones by George R.R. Martin
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood: Still in "take-charge" mode

When Doors Open...

What a day! I spent a good part of the day walking around getting pieces of paper signed and entered into computers etc, but it is done now - I have applied to do a Graduate Diploma in Psychology with the intention of then moving to a BA(hons) or MA in Psychology, focusing on researching my theories about human choices and responsibility. I had an excellent conversation with one of the lecturers where I came to the realisation why I was getting frustrated with philosophy, philosophers love to talk and talk and talk, but they don't actually want to get anywhere with their contemplation - that's what scientists do.

So for me to make theory practical, I need to go into a more practical discipline. Psychology seems like the logical fit. :)

*whew*

But man, Victoria is one very attractive campus - the view of Wellington today was just breathtaking. Auckland University's claim to fame is a stunning view of the Sky Tower. :D

Funnily enough, no sooner than I'd finished all the paperwork and signed up, but I get an interview for a Media Monitoring Analyst job!

Talk about a tough decision. If I continue down this path for university I'll be in a job that could potentially allow me to genuinely help people, or make some discovery about the way we think. If I get the job offer and take it, I will be able to earn an income monitoring media coverage and reports then writing up my own analyses of them.

My heart is kind of set on University now, even though it isn't going to be easy. But I would like to have a job now rather than look at possibly two years of living off bread crusts... :/

I'm going to the interview either way, see what happens. But it is going to be a tough call... What do you guys think I should do?

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: A Game of Thrones by George R.R. Martin
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood: Facing the BIG decisions

A day of rest

The weekend was awesome! :)

Luke and Sam, as usual, were superior hosts. Nick surprised me with his new hair do - the highlights are very cool, just kind of weird to look at still. We spent the Saturday going for a walk on the beach. The weather in Paraparaumu was fantastic, but very hot. I had forgotten to pack my sandals, so burnt my feet on the walk to the beach. Still, a walk in the cool ocean tide was great, and much conversation was made about Chuck Norris. I am ashamed to admit I joined in said conversation.

It was unavoidable - Nick and Luke just feed off each other's energy; with that much crazy good natured humour, it's impossible to not get pulled in. Just ask Sam. :)

When we got back from the beach we decided to play a board game. I was keen to try out World of Warcraft the boardgame - it was loads of fun, Nick and I were the Alliance, and we totally were owning the Horde and our quests.

Following gaming, we had a great BBQ outside with sizzler nuggets (which Luke kept saying were a fantastic new invention), chicken kebabs and wild venison sausages. We spent some time figuring out how the sausages had gained the "wild" template, and what feats it granted. Nick and his levelling up talk have a lot to answer for...

Aslan and Shiva managed to provide additional entertainment by showing just how different they were as cats. Aslan eventually snubbed some wild venison sausage - much to our shock.

The evening was spent watching "The Place Promised In Our Early Days" which was very touching and sad. I kind of wanted huggles, but wasn't really in the appropriate company for such things. :) It had a strange ending, but is a very cool anime by the genius behind "Voices from a Distant Star."

His bittersweet views on love seem to resonate with me. His previous two films were about people who were in love but for various reasons couldn't be together. His first film was because one of the people was a cat who loved his owner, and felt for her when she kept being dumped. The second was a girl and guy who were seperated by light years as she battled aliens in a distant galaxy, while he grew older because of the difference in time for them.

"The Place Promised" had three main characters who were friends, but who gradually drift apart and then get caught up in a war. There are some bizarre twists, but I think it would spoil it to tell you what they were. In the end love kind of prevailed, but also was lost - it was a sad moment.

After that we cracked open the Xbox and played Silent Hill 4 until we were all ready to pass out. It's a damn creepy game and very very cool. We all took turns, and Nick revealed that in computer games he can only turn to the left. :D Like Zoolander. :)

After an uncomfortably hot night sleeping - I've discovered that having spent the last few months on a fold out mattress on the floor, I am more comfortable with that than on a proper bed. Nick talked so loudly in his sleep this time I could hear him through the wall too. *chuckle* Not that he was keeping me awake, I just kept waking up throughout the night.

So I was very tired the next day, and had to skip hanging out with Giffy. :( Still, it was a fantastic weekend and a great break from everything. :) Of course I always look forward to spending time with Luke, Nick and Sam. It's always a fun time. :D

So thanks again guys for a great weekend!

Today, I just took it easy, really. Looked for work and tried to just keep relaxed and calm.

Tomorrow, I'm going into University to look at my chances of signing up for a Psychology diploma this year.

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: A Game of Thrones by George R.R. Martin
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood: Positive and bouncy

Before I head up the coast...

Well I have a number of things on my mind at the moment. One of them is how I really need to get some RPG reviews written up for RPGnet - the head of the Quicksilver team is begging for more roleplaying reviews, so I suspect that Sunday night is going to be insanely busy for me. :)

On to less savoury topics... Guantanamo Bay. It's been in the news a bit this week and I've been trying to bring together my thoughts on it. See, the thing that shocks me the most about this place is how the US government is trying to say "hey, we don't have to observe human rights here because it isn't on US soil." As if soil had some magical property of morality.

Hello people, that kind of thing only happens in fantasy books. It is a US facility with US personnel. It wasn't the land that signed the Geneva Convention, it was the nation - the people. Which means that simply by making the decision to send people there it makes it their responsibility. It also means that they are as culpable as if they were in the facility itself.

And if the government claims "we don't know what goes on there..." well then why are they the ones with the power to close it down?

It is shocking the lengths some political people go to because they forget to be... well... people. I find it interesting that while I was reading A Game of Thrones there was quite a relevant quote - not something I often find in fantasy fiction...

"...the man who passes the sentence should swing the sword. If you would take a man's life, you owe it to him to look into his eyes and hear his final words. And if you cannot bear to do that, then perhaps the man does not deserve to die."

Of course that is a remarkably simplistic way of looking at things - I suspect that if Rumsfeld, Rice or Bush were to go to the facility they would simply say to themselves 'these men are terrorists. No matter how innocent they look, they would kill you in an instant because they are fanatics.'

How we delude ourselves so easily with our stubborness. Something I'm always working on. :) Because that's the thing about communication, what we see and hear isn't always what is actually happening or being said. Our minds create a kind of filter that we move all that information through - that's how disagreements and arguments often start.

And it is how innocent people end up being lost in a jail that nobody wants to take responsibility for. Or worse, nobody is willing to admit they could be wrong about.

The thing that galls me still is that a nation that spouts on about freedom and God and morality is commiting a heinous act of immorality by keeping such facilities. No amount of positive spin will change the fact. Yes, the US is not as bad as terrorists who kidnap aid workers and behead them. But there is a difference between select individuals kidnapping innocent aid workers and attacking soldiers, and a world power locking people away and then pretty much ignoring them after that.

If anything a facility like Guantanamo creates terrorists. How many innocent muslims have been locked into that place and now harbour a resentment towards the country that stole their freedom and seperated them from their families?

How stupid do you have to be to not see this? And how idiotic is it to then think that you can hold those people there indefinitely. It will break. There will come a point where the US will have no choice but to close Guantanamo down. The issue will be, is it going to be on constructive and peaceful terms, or will it be the releasing of an ongoing problem that will harm the world in general because of the damage done to families and countries.

These kind of heavy-handed tactics have no place in the modern world. Arguing that the terrorists don't play fair is the same as when we were kids and we cry to our parents "but he hit me first!" The trick to defeating terrorism is to remove the things that they hold up as reasons to attack the West.

This is a difficult task, especially because a lot of people in the Middle East live in nations that have not really moved beyond dictatorships, theocracies and monarchies. Because there was no Renaissance and Enlightenment period for these nations they have not had the same philosophical, social and scientific changes that the rest of the world had. I don't feel that the Middle East needs to have democracy - that is something that must happen naturally and not be forced on them. But they do need to move forward socially, and the signs are there. The problem is that some people fear change, or they fear growing into something new.

It is that fear, that fear of loss of their culture as well, that drives many in the Middle East.

Places like Guantanamo Bay and the US' aggressive christian rhetoric do nothing but feed that fear. In other words, the US is making its own demons, and I can't shake the irrational feeling that this is a deliberate act. That there is absolutely no genuine intention of peace, but rather a belief that keeping a war going is beneficial to the US as a nation.

Not really a rational thought - and one that I don't hold personally, except for the occasional thought. :)

Anyhoop, it's time for me to head off! :D Paraparaumu, here I come! :D

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading:A Game of Thrones by George R.R. Martin
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood:Positive, excited but not taking any crap from anyone! (Kidding)

Frustration

I seem to have a knack of getting myself into odd fixes. So I responded to some comments on Mash's LJ - not even relating to what he was saying but to what other people had said, and before I had really paid any attention to what was going on, I was in a huge ripsnorter of an argument with Mash about GNS again.

Wow.

It took me a while - because I was feeling stubborn and obstinate no doubt - to realise that we were arguing at cross-purposes and that I would have been wiser to just leave the argument alone. The problem was I allowed myself to get frustrated and flustered. Now I'm no longer listed as friend on Mash's LJ and he's pretty upset.

It really got me thinking about how I do tend to get very analytical when I debate, I don't really pay attention to the things going on beyond the argument itself, and tend to rabidly stick to my guns. Now I feel that I had a reasonable argument, and i think I got frustrated because it didn't feel that anyone was really considering what I was saying. The thing was, I was ignoring what was happening in the debate outside of the simple discussion.

*sigh*

What can I say? The worst bit about these kinds of things is that there is no easier fix than time. So thankfully I will be out of Mash's way for the next couple of days, giving him to time enjoy Ultimate and spend time without me hanging around being a nuisance or inadvertantly baiting for another argument. I get to spend time with Aslan, Debbie, Luke, Matt, Nick, Sam and Shishi and avoid getting into another debate right now.

The thing is I'm kind of over the debate itself - GNS, roleplaying theory and the like are just not worth losing friendships over. I handled myself poorly and made things a bit messy. :(

Debates can get so heated, and it takes a lot of discipline to handle them properly. I didn't do the one hour rule - where you right your response, wait an hour and if you still agree with what you posted... then you post it. I suspect if I had taken that time, I would have been more eloquent about what I was trying to say, would have probably not said half the things I did and been able to move on.

But for now, I can only take the advice I was given - take a step back and let it go. I'm more concerned about Mash than anything else, I guess.

Here's hoping tomorrow brings a shiny new day.

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: A Game of Thrones by George R. R. Martin
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood: Frustrated, Tired and Disappointed in myself...

Finding the way to becoming an author

I find it kind of strange reading the blogs of many other writers. Often there is a kind of concealed pretentiousness to a lot of their thoughts, and it makes me wonder if I ever carry the same tone when I talk about my writing. Or is it that I'm not really at the same level as they are and my perception of their pretentious nature is really a projection of my own envy?

See how much trouble too much introspection can get you into?

I guess the problem comes from my difficulty hammering out the details of a work. Many writers plan out their novels, have a strong idea of the arc and direction and then write. I, on the other hand, tend to have scenes and ideas, then try to find the route that leads to them. I've started reading A Game of Thrones, and I will admit that reading writing like that intimidates me. I can see how I have a similar economy of words, but somehow I feel like my writing can sometimes plod and clunk along.

Still doesn't really answer the pretentiousness comment. I guess the thing that bugs me is that a lot of writers go beyond accepting that they are writers - they tend to think that their style is the only style worth discussing. I don't really know how to put it - many writers, and many wannabe writers, waffle on endlessly about form and theme. I tend to find it incredibly tiring stuff.

I always remember attending a talk by author Kate O'Riordan, who is one of the most lyrical and haunting authors I have read. She was a very down-to-earth woman who was interesting when she spoke about her writing. She talked about visual, narrative and even aural aspects of the art. About the tricks of getting people to feel that they are part of the story.

Many writers seem to feel that they have some sort of intellectual superiority over others. It's kind of mind boggling. Kate O'Riordan didn't. She was humble and thoughtful. I would like to think that some day I'll be like she was. Just willing to talk about the craft of writing without sounding like a wanker.

Maybe that's it - some writers talk about writing as if it was personal and existed solely for their own benefit. Yes, writing is a personal craft, but it is something that is about sharing yourself with others as well, I suspect. Which leads me back to my latest project. I've only written about three pages worth - and the scene flowed out nicely. I'm not going to edit it or look over the scene again until the book is finished, but it lead to a point that has kind of hiccuped. Thus my concern.

I have a guy about to answer a phone, and I realise I have no idea who is on the other line. I tried to make it a friend inviting the main protagonist out, but it felt forced. So now I'm waiting for the same flash of inspiration that lead me to write the initial scene.

One thing is for certain, despite the grammar errors that no doubt flood this blog, writing daily here is helping to shake the cobwebs out of my head. :)

So while I am wrestling with finding work, deciding my future and working on a book - wow. It's amazing I don't just spontaneously combust at this rate! :) Looking forward to the weekend though... :D

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: A Game of Thrones - George R.R. Martin
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood: Feeling positive

General Thoughts and Rambling

Mash and I had another debate last evening about GNS and gaming. It struck me as very interesting to hear Mash's views, because he presents good, strong reasoning for his support for GNS. The issue is that he sometimes implies that everyone shares his view, despite it being counter to the actual GNS and Big Model thesis.

Which I tried to point out was a core issue for me about GNS/Big Model theory - essentially that it's language is so steeped in ambiguity that it kind of ceases to have value. Not to mention that most GNS argumentation ends up sounding like One-True-Way style claims.

Now I don't believe that many GNS/Big Model supporters actually believe that they are arguing one true way - they don't realise that their support of the theory is creating that kind of language and implication.

Which is why plain english is a much superior mode of expression. Mash brought up a number of philosophers to try and show why my chosen discipline was just as bad. The problem is, I agree. Philosophy is full of pretentious One-True-Way schmucks who love to come up with wanky -isms and -ists to define their philosophies. It's one of the issues I hope to address if I ever get off my ass and research my thesis. I want to look at making philosophy practical - because it does have a benefit, but it needs to be aware of its limitations.

The challenge I put forward to Mash was when had roleplaying theory successfully caused a major change in mainstream roleplaying. He brought up the shift from D&D to World of Darkness in the early 90s, and I pointed out that there was no evidence theory had anything to do with it.

A lot of people credit World of Darkness with shifting the focus of roleplaying, and it did - but it wasn't something that was born wholecloth. It developed over the years because of other games at the time - like Shadowrun, Cyberpunk, Elfquest... roleplaying games were already evolving in design, and it continues even today. And it happened without roleplaying theory being instrumental to that change. It happened because people were thinking about the hobby as a craft.

I agree, theory can be helpful and insightful. But outside of the indie movement, theory has had very little impact on gaming. Drama Points are from Adventure! which took them from Shadowrun's Karma system and developed them further. Ticks is from Feng Shui - and arguably Robin Law's "theory" work. However Robin Laws spent more time looking at the hobby as craft, not theory.

Buffy - took its NPC mechanics from Whispering Vault, which was an independant game that developed separate from gaming theory.

Roleplaying theory has not been at all instrumental in the big changes in the hobby. It has caused a number of periphery and specialised games to be developed - and these games have not been successful in breaking out of their limited markets. There is a reason for this.

Paranoia XP benefited from the Forge discussions, yet it is debateable about how successfully it supports the roleplaying theory that the author talks about.

Even Mike Sands' Badass Space Marines doesn't fit into the GNS/Big Model mode despite being designed by a self-proclaimed supporter of roleplaying theory. In the end, playtesting made the game what it was - not theory.

So why have theory at all? Well I'd like to think that properly formulated theory can lead to new techniques which can lead to an improvement in the craft. Just like I hope that a more practical and pragmatic approach to philosophy can lead to a new way of thinking, that everyday people can support without feeling like their are being lectured to or spoken down to.

Comes back to my whole "inclusive thinking" strategy. But none of this is going to happen as long as pro-theory types think that they have some sort of greater understanding of the hobby. Because, to put it bluntly, they don't.

What they have done is overshoot the mark and in their spiralling out into the psychology and sociology of human endeavour - missed the game aspect. Just as philosophers in all their observing and argumentation, kind of left the people behind in favour of theory.

When you're gaming is all about theory rather than having theory being about gaming - something has gone seriously wrong.

I think the key point I'm trying to make is that it is pointless talking about theory if the people it is meant to be helping can't understand a word you say. So much of human thinking had made this fundamental error.

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Liberty Meadows
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood:Taking on the tyranny of elitst thinkers, got them in my sights!

Thinking, Thinking, Thinking

Right, so the new poll is up so get voting!

Anyway, I'm in a bit of an odd situation in that I'm puzzling over what to do. I'm kind of keen to study Psychology because of the career opportunities it will open up for me both as a writer, and as someone who wants to try to do some good in the world.

I'd be keen to do psych, and then a certificate in counselling and get a job as a counsellor or psychologist.

I even have started taking action on a reasonable part-time job that should help me get myself financially under control again while doing it. (Fingers crossed, folks.)

Yet on the other side, there is a good chance I could get this franchise job. Now it would be even harder work, and I wouldn't really be doing anything I loved - but I would be getting my own business out of it all. That is a major leap forward careerwise for me. A great opportunity to work, learn and become my own boss. I would have heaps of money and be on my way to sorting out my life.

OR it could all go horribly wrong and I find myself in even worse straits than I am currently in.

So what should I do? It's not an easy question to answer...

I'm putting both plans into motion - as I can have it all set up and then make my final decision when I need to.

It's funny how we often compromise on our goals to survive in life. I want to be a writer - but I have had so much difficulty getting myself interested in writing. I used to be feverish about it, but when I got burnt it really stuck.

Now I could be on the way to setting the foundations for opening up my own gaming store - which would be loads of fun and could offer me security.

Or, I could be on my way to following a greater understanding of how humans think and behave - which could help me in a number of intangible ways, as well as provide me with the qualifications to get a lot of the roles I've been trying for...

It's not an easy decision to make... I want both things. It's a case of deciding which I will enjoy and benefit from more at the moment. In true daoist fashion, I think I will act on what I can at the moment, and trust that when the decision time comes - I will make the one that I truly want to make. :)

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Angel RPG
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood: Ready to take -em on!

So it's time to call it a day...

Well the final count as of 10pm Tuesday is 5 Valentines. Most sent by Txt. LOL.

Not one of them were of an amorous intent - but that was never really the point. :) It was a good excuse to just have a little fun. It's not like I'm not going to tell my friends tomorrow that I care about them - but I think that it really is the thought that counts on the day too.

I sort of realised today that I probably gave the impression that Valentines holds a lot of importance to me. Well it does and it doesn't.

See, for me it is important to make the best of a day that historically gets a lot of people depressed. As I mentioned before, I want to show that I care. Because I do. Really. My heart swells whenever I think good thoughts about my friends.

The day itself doesn't matter as much, but I do know that a lot of people claim that they think it is silly, but secretly they hurt inside. Not saying anyone who reads this blog is such a person - but I am aware of the possibility. So I think it is a good thing to remind people you do care.

On the other hand, despite all my laughter and giggles - my silly countdown and all - deep down I do feel... not unloved, but reminded that there is something I'm missing out on.

It's like this. I want to be able to take someone I love to dinner on Valentines. I want to do all that schmultsy stuff - not just today, but whenever the mood takes me to show someone I love that person.

Am I in love? Well, I still think about Alex - but I suspect that is because of four years being a long time to be in love with someone.

Do I like anyone? Well I like a number of people. No-one I'd feel confident enough to ask out - most who aren't even in Wellington.

Like I said before - it's time someone came and asked me out. :) So I could be waiting a while... ;)

However, with all that said and done. I had a damn good day. Got to hang out with Fraser and his stepbrother, Dan. Which was a cool distraction. :D We had Subway, came back here and played A Game of Thrones - I was too easy on Dan who managed to beat both Fraser and Myself. I really need to learn to be more cut-throat in strategy games. :) We watched some Zim and I hung out on World of Warcraft.

Between all that, did the usual of job-hunting, organising bank issues, figuring out University plans, sorting out games for the future and generally keeping crazy busy. :)

So I hope you had a great day too! All the best!

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Weapons of the Gods RPG
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood: Sleepy but positive.

A Day for Love

Valentines Watch: Currently Five Valentines for Conan :D

Yeah, I'm keeping a count, for chuckles really. :)

You know, it's funny how many people don't want to be happy. I've been following a few discussions about how crap Valentine's day is, how commercial, how it's a bandaid over bad relationships and other such strikingly negative comments, and it seems to miss the point.

It's a day where some people actually get a chance to be their nobler selves. A chance where they can choose to show that they really do care, and that despite the strains and rigours of the rest of the year with work and schooling and Christmas and Easter and all the other things that happen in the year, they do always care. That this is a day for them to remind their loved ones after such a hectic few months.

It's also a chance for those too shy or unable to express their feelings to anonymously show how they feel and maybe build up a little nerve to actually say to that girl/guy they like "hey I'd like to go out with you." It's also a day when friends can show their love to each other and say "hey, don't feel down, people care."

Valentines day isn't just about flowers, dinner and a blow job - as one person put it - but rather it is meant to be about caring for someone. It's as bad as you want it to be, or as good. See, I used to get severely depressed on Valentines when I was younger. I had been treated pretty badly by someone I cared about and every Valentines I remembered that, and just was reminded how single and unloved I felt.

Then I decided, fuck it. That's not the point about today. So I made it my goal that Valentines to give a gift to every person I knew who was feeling like me. It felt good, and they appreciated the gesture. So in the spirit of that day...

Happy Valentine's to you all! With Love, Conan!

And I do mean it. I hope that you have a great day that includes love and happiness. :)

Speaking of which, last night on MSN I ended up talking to an old flame of mine. Which just managed to remind me that I have been loved, and I will be loved again. :)

Of course, sooner rather than later would be good. ;) lol!

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Armageddon RPG
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go
Mood: Optimistic

Taking Action

So today is a busy day for me - visits to the bank, discussion with people up at the university, phonecalls to Massey... it is going to be pretty full-on.

Last night I dreamt a lot about kissing. Maybe it's the time of year, but I just kept dreaming about kissing people and techniques - it was all very strange. I wonder what it means... if anything. :)

Still kind of stressed about life in general, but I'm getting the impression that it is all going to work out in the long term. Fingers crossed!

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Armageddon RPG
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go
Mood: Hmmmm flirty today, I think. :)

Valentines and other things...

No doubt you would have noticed the new poll. I've set it up so that on Valentine's day I can report back as to which ended up being the reality.

See, I have a weird attitude towards Valentine's day. On one hand it is very commercialised, and I find that it spreads more sorrow than happiness because it promotes being in love - leaving the unloved feeling depressed; and on the other hand, I always end up hoping that this will be the year I get a valentine.

But like all things, if you don't get out there, what can you expect. I would send Alex a valentine each year, one year it was an anonymous one - because I didn't want to be credited with it.

Now, I don't really have anyone to send a valentine's to. Well, that's not entirely true - but I haven't got anyone I'd be willing to send a valentine's to, because there isn't anyone who I would consider an appropriate person for it.

Did that make sense? Sounds like I'm bad mouthing friends now - but let's face it, not many of the people I know would want a valentines from me. Not putting myself down, just avoiding awkwardness and stuff like that.

I think I'll shut up about that now... :D

Anyway, in seriousness, what does Valentine's actually mean to you?

I guess to me it is two things - it's a chance to tell someone you care about that you actually care about them, and it's a chance for those of us in relationships to celebrate having found that person we love.

We don't really need to buy gifts to do this either. Sure, we ought to be able to do that any time of the year, but Valentine's kind of gives us a nice excuse to actually do what we normally feel a little too shy to do. Remember, a lot of Valentines are sent anonymously - the idea of sending your love rather than expecting anything in return. In the commercialisation of the day we have kind of forgotten that.

Still, I can see the problem with getting anonymous valentines. Like, thinking about who the hell sent you one and how you would rather they came and took you out on a date because you've been single for freaking ever and ... *ahem*

You get the idea. ;)

In the meantime, I don't appear to have gotten the EB job. So, yeah, stressed and disappointed. I have four days to avoid losing my overdraft facility by getting a signed contract... not going to happen. I don't know how I'm going to keep paying the rent either...

I can only hope that one of the jobs I've applied for actually comes through with an interview, or the other opportunity I applied for actually lands me a job.

Otherwise, I'm clean out of ideas. :( It's not that I'm too proud to work in a restaurant or such like - but rather that I can't afford to be tied up in a job that wont be paying enough to cover my expenses.

Anyway, start planning your own valentines, people. Bring a little love to each other this week. :)

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Army of Darkness RPG
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go
Mood: Switching between okay and worried

DRIVING! ... while infatuated!

LOL

Last night we played the first session of our Unknown Armies game - being run by Luke. Basically we're a bunch of Mak Attaxers who give "special orders" to random people, these orders being meals containing magical charges. One such customer was a wannabe rocker, the charge managed to make his group's song so catchy that if you heard it, you had to listen to the song a second time to get it out of your head. If you didn't hear the song, you became irritable and desperate to hear the song again.

Problem was, the band is GOD-AWFUL, and so is the song.

So much fun and wackiness ensued while we tried to sort out the problem we had started. :)

Now turning to yesterday's debate - I put together a post, but it didn't go through.

What I wanted to say was that Adrexia and Nick, you both kind of missed the point I was making.

Adrexia, you fixated on my saying Human Nature is a myth, without considering the entire argument. What I said was that humans define their nature, and the problem that has developed is that nobody has worked to clean up that definition, so it has overbloated to the point that you can pretty much say "that's human nature" about nearly anything.

Your argument that you can define what human nature means to you merely proves this. So as a rebuttal, it has very little effect on my argument.

I'll also add that this is an informal forum, so don't expect a complete and well thought out thesis - there is a lot of research and work needed before my case for responsibility is ready for serious criticism. :)

And Nick - you kind of missed the point. I am talking about how individuals are not like the general population. That was the whole case of why I was feeling disappointed with humanity as a whole.

What I was saying was that because some individuals take responsibility and act in a certain way, then it means that all humanity has that potential. If someone acts greedy, then all humanity has the potential to be greedy. If someone performs an act of kindness, then all humanity has the potential to perform an act of kindness.

I'm not expecting the world to suddenly be all rainbows and lollipops - but I do think it is reasonable to expect people to take responsibility for their choices. Free Will allows us to ignore our instincts. So saying "I'm lazy because it's human nature" is a cop-out. At least have the balls to admit when you have made a choice - whether the choice is good or bad.

Yes, people make mistakes - I never said anything to contrary. But that doesn't mean they shouldn't admit to making a mistake. That's the difference.

Responsibility gives you power. If you find yourself saying "I hate how selfish I am" - then realising that your selfishness is something you have chosen to be gives you the power to change it. Now there are some people who do choose negative traits and admit to choosing - but they then say "because that's the way the world is" - which really is the same thing as saying it's human nature. They are taking responsibility for the choice, but then try to reason that they didn't have a choice...

*sigh* But I'm probably just going to upset more people here. So I'll leave off it for the week.

I hope you guys can see what I'm trying to say here. Like I said, it's a work in progress. :)

Well, I'm going to be spending the day at home, looking for more work and hoping to hear back from EB. :)

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Cat
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go
Mood: Nervous

Prepping for a journey around the Milky Way

Well I'm slowly prepping up for more goodies in Celestia for a week of travelling around the Milky Way - just because I love the beauty of space images. :)

Not much to really report. We played a game of Angel yesterday, involving OMNI Investigations, based in Seattle. It was a silly, camp and ultimately fun game. I went to another job interview, that seemed to go well - here's hoping that all will be well in the world - and received my Extramural materials from Massey University.

I'm planning on studying a Bachelor of Communications while working, and it looks like it is going to be fun. :)



Of course there are some strange issues I have with the Creative Writing aspect. I'm keen to develop and improve my skills, and there will be some short fiction work that will definitely help with my work on project WC, but the convenor of the course sounds a little pretentious. So I'm a little cautious about the practical side of the course.

Essentially he seems to think that the only thing that counts as literary is writing about real people in real situations, and that any popular fiction or genre writing will inevitably be formulaic and unworthy. Which is pretty pretentious. I challenge him to read such works as "The Alchemist's Apprentice" by Jeremy Dronfeld and say that.



Either way, I'm looking forward to the courses I'm going to be doing. Yay me! :)

I've been thinking a bit about what people were saying yesterday regarding my comments on humanity, it struck me that someone used the term "human nature."

Being the post-existentialist that I am, I don't buy into that excuse. See, human nature is a myth. Really. It's a habit we've picked up over the millennia to avoid taking responsibility for our choices. Why do I say that, well because it all has to do with that thing - Free Will. Free Will is essentially the ability to ignore our instincts - or, more accurately, it means we have the ability to make choices that might go against what we naturally feel.

I do believe that humanity started off a Tabula Rasa and that as we've developed socially we have heaped definitions onto our nature. It is human to define ourselves, and we have constantly added to that definition. The problem is that we haven't removed anything in the process. Which is why now, more than ever, people suffer from self-doubt and confusion - we literally have confused ourselves regarding what it means to be human.

When really, what it means to be human is that we can be whatever we, as individuals and as a species, choose to be. If we want to all get along and be satisfied - the potential is there. But the problem with that whole view is that we then become responsible for all those choices. I guess this is why I like the game Unknown Armies - because it is actually built on that idea.

Now, before you start hammering at me about instinct and nature etc, let me remind you that I said humanity began as a blank slate. But now, millennia down the line, we have given ourselves a definition. We now learn from each other what human nature is, and because people say such things as "it's human nature to be greedy" or "it's human nature to be self-serving" - we buy into it. This makes it even harder to break out of that, because there are literally thousands of years of developed social behaviour that supports such claims.

Until Humanity cottons on, we're never going to get out of it, unfortunately.

The problem lies in that some people don't want to get out of it- why rock the boat when things are working for you. They don't see the greater potential, they don't see how everyone benefitting is going to be a good thing.

And this "they" is not some organised conspiracy or group of rich-elite. It's also the guy on the construction site, or the librarian or even the social worker who volunteers their time.

Seriously.

Because some of us don't care. Some people are happy just living their lives and aren't interested in some greater scheme - which I find disappointing, but I understand where they are coming from. It's easier to not care about such things, because if you were to care - what are the actual chances of seeing the results of your efforts? I'd say they are probably pretty slim. It is highly unlikely that you could undo thousands of years of built up assumption simply over night.

And that also makes me feel a little sad.

So I take the approach of many existentialists - I try to be the model of what I feel I should be. Because as long as I do a good deed, or show that I care - then I am still helping to define something positive about humanity. And just maybe by setting that example, others will realise they can do it too. Who knows, maybe in a hundred years time our efforts will make the world and humanity just a little bit better than it would have been without that effort. Maybe in another hundred thousand years, humanity may slough off all the detritus of definition that clings to it at the moment.

Just something to think about. :)

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Angel the RPG
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go
Mood: Good, maybe a little flirty... :D

A view from space

I was thinking about what to write here - I had a whole speech about humanity, religion, greed, the fate of all the universe and stuff like that. Then I thought - what would I achieve. Well, they say that a picture is worth 1000 words, so here are a few courtesy of Celestia. The first here is of New Zealand as of this very time of writing. Look at those lights and think of how many people live on that little group of islands. Look over to Australia and think of the people living there. Seems to be a lot of space... well pause for a moment...
Now look at Jupiter and Europa. Consider the size of that moon compared to New Zealand, then consider how Jupiter, in the background, looks so close and yet is actually a vast distance away from its moon. Imagine how many earths - that planet you looked at before - fit into the size of Jupiter, let alone its mass.
Here we see Saturn rising in the mid afternoon sky of Titan. I haven't even left the solar system and so much space has been covered.

So if the galaxy is so full of land and resources and space - why are we so busy fighting on this little dot of it. Sure, oxygen is limited - but wait, Earth is meant to be an oxygen factory. It makes the stuff. Just like how each of the other planets seems to produce useful resources... so why do we fight. It's like a bunch of kids in a big old room full of toys fighting over the first one and ignoring all the others. Not realising that if they behave as friends they can enjoy the swings, the roundabout and bask in the wonder of it all.

THAT ladies and gentlemen, is what the universe is all about. Not earth. Not Allah and not God. Sure, there maybe deities out there - I am not so closed minded as to assume that this is all there is to life, but I certainly don't think that following the words of men and calling them the words of God/Allah/Zeus is the way to go. After all these millennia, and without the original writers around to explain things, it's easy to believe that the message has been lost.

And I think it genuinely has. The intention - something I am big on - has been lost to the ages. Why are we all bickering?

It's not even human nature, it is something we have decided upon ourselves.

I despair sometimes for the future of humanity. I would have thought that after all these thousands of years, humanity would have sorted some of their shit out - but the same old mistakes still get made. And what for? Everything but the future of humanity.

Gives you something to think about. Could we be looking at the rebirth of the hippy freelove movement? Sometimes I think humans need to expand their consciousness again...

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Nobilis
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go
Mood: Contemplative

Waiting in line

Still no word from the recruitment company regarding my application. *sigh* But tomorrow I head on out to Porirua to attend another interview... woop! In the meantime, I'm kind of low on stuff to talk about today. Which is a rarity.

On Sunday I had some of the gang over for boardgaming - which was a load of fun. I'm glad to say that I have introduced some more people to the wonder that is the game, Modern Art. Then we migrated to Paul's for more games and a couple of drinks. Then it was watching some of the Cell and generally mucking around - all good.

Yesterday saw me just hanging out at home, which was kind of fun. We could hear One Love going on across the valley, which was very cool - saved having to actually leave the house to attend the concert. :D

Not much else to say today - other than catch ya all around! :)

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Paranoia XP
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go
Mood: Relaxed

Drinks and Popstars

So I still haven't heard back about the job interview - guess I wont hear anything now until Tuesday - but in the interim, Nick and I caught the train to Paraparaumu last night to hang out with Matt, Debz, Luke, Sam, Giffy and Eric.

When Nick and I stepped off the train we were greeted by a stunning looking Giffy dressed in a ballgown and Debz waiting in the taxi also equally well dressed. Little did we know what was waiting when we got to Matt and Debz' home.

After some Soul Caliber 2, tequila, champers and margaritas, Luke and Sam showed up and we had a blast playing singstar - of which I supremely suck with my appalling voice, although I totally owned Nick on "This Love" by Maroon 5.

More drinks, and one drunken Conan sitting outside with stomach cramps later (I hadn't eaten much on Friday, so I was somewhat more prone to alcohol than usual) we settled in to watch last year's 48 hour film project that the gang had worked on (It's a beautiful library) and then some absolutely hilarious episodes of The Mighty Boosh.

Then it was crashing the night, in which much fun was made about Giffy's dubious past and Nick's rambling conversation. Then Giffy and I learnt that when Nick mentioned that he talks in his sleep, he actually meant he rants rather loudly in his sleep.

This morning we were treated with bagels and toast, along with Berocca and Juice, before a quick game of Quiz trivia before Giffy gave us a lift back into Wellington.

All in all, a fantastic evening was had by all. :D Thanks Matt and Debbie! I had a blast. :)

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Angel RPG
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go
Mood: Tired, but cosy. :)

Fingers Crossed

So I had my first interview yesterday, and it went swimmingly well. :) I hear back today to find out if I'll be going on to the next step in the process.

Last night we did character creation for Luke's Unknown Armies game - To Go - and it was a blast. I didn't go very far outside my comfort zone character wise - happy-go-lucky trickster best describes my character for the game. But looking over the sheets, and considering how I feel at the moment, it was just such a natural choice for the game.

Next time I'll try something darker - promise. :)

Giffy came round to visit yesterday too - and I now have the new diary! Who knows what madness will ensue from that one. :D

Ummm.. not much else today, surprisingly. Just waiting to hear back about the job...

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Angel the RPG
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go
Mood: Excited Anticipation

Relaxing and trying not to fret

Well seeing as I forgot to post yesterday...

Today I've been feeling kind of neutral. I've applied for heaps of jobs this week already - in fact the amount of time I've spent on the net hunting has caused us to go over our bandwidth. Thank god today it just got refreshed. :)

But I'm kind of in a strange place today. Tonight Luke starts his Unknown Armies campaign - which I am very keen about. It certainly sounds like it will be a blast. :D

On the other side of things, my mind is a bit... preoccupied with thoughts.

Yesterday Nick and I went over to hang out with Giffy. On the way to pick Nick up Giffy and I had a rollicking talk about various subjects and it kind of lingered on relationships. We talked about how the person you love the most tends to hurt you the most. That set off something in my brain about my feelings as of late. I'm not so much confused as trying to make sense of a few things.

Now, I'm not saying I've fallen in love recently - anyone who knows me knows that I haven't really been socialising as of late - rather a lot of strange stuff has been happening in Conanland- my brain.

I think about Alex every day. If this were some movie, my time in Wellington would almost be a montage sequence before I somehow ended up knocking on Alex's front door and we would realise we were made for each other and live happily ever after.

The thing is - life isn't a romantic comedy. So that leaves me in a bit of a strange state.

I love Alex, see, but I'm also aware that it was never going to be a two way kind of love. Now I care deeply about my friends here, but it isn't the same.

I feel like I'm kind of on hold, really. For a moment, yesterday, I thought about how Alex and I could never fight in person, it was always over text or MSN or email and sometimes the phone. But in person, we just got sad if we ended up fighting.

Does that mean that Alex *did* love me? Even though whenever I asked the response was always "I don't feel anything for you."

Hope is a nasty thing. Sometimes we end up saying we love someone, but not meaning it in the big L version, but rather in the standard affectionate for the moment way. I know, I've done it myself. When all the emotions have boiled up and you just blurt it out, only to realise much later that you only cared.

It's like the old wives tale of eskimos have several different words for snow. What they are actually describing are different degrees - why don't we have such an effective language for love? It's not so simple, but we all want it to be.

True Love - was that what Alex and I had? In our belligerent stubborn denial of it, we ruined our chance at true happiness?

I don't want to believe that.

I'm not the attractive guy I used to be. I've let myself get too overwhelmed in silly things. But I don't hate myself - there is still hope.

Hope that someone will want to take a chance with me. Hope that I will be loved for the first time in my life. Hope that I will find a job that I will enjoy and grow in.

Hope is good. But it is also one of the scariest things...

I have hope for a number of things right now. That's what gives me strength - the knowledge that when all will be said and done, it works out for the best. The journey through life makes us stronger souls for it.

Right now, I wish I had my arms around someone and kiss them on the lips... Right now, I wish hope became fact.

And right now, I don't want that person to be Alex at all... Does that mean I'm getting better?

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Angel the RPG
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go
Mood: Romantic dreamer but a little fretful...