Anyway, we chatted and I apologised for my aggression. But I also noted that because of the argument we had the effectively ended our friendship, I was able to leave Auckland and come to Wellington. I don't think I say this enough, but, despite all that has happened to me since I moved down here - I still feel it was the best decision I ever made.
My conversation with Alex today reinforced that. Because I realised that even a month or two ago, I was thinking about him everyday. But not anymore. I think about other things now. Work, my future, my friends, how much I care about people, how much I want to improve myself, how much I need to get fitter, need to take care of the things I've neglected (like my teeth ;) ) all the other minutiae of life.
I love Alex. No doubt about it. And I still think about what happened and every so often remember the good things. But decisions were made and it's time to move on.
Yet there is a melancholy mixed in there. I'm not as young as I used to be. I missed my youth in the aftermath of my parent's divorce and my teenage rebellion against my mother. In the mess of it all, I wasn't able to be in a silly relationship - I foolishly waited to fall in love.
Now I'm in the social circles where I meet mostly people 19-26, while I'm heading towards being 32. Sure, I look young for my age, except for the rapidly evaporating hairline - but I wonder about my chances of truly falling in love. And then I wonder about what I expect to happen then.
It scares me.
Maybe Alex was an excuse as much as love - a chance for me to avoid what I really feared, being in a relationship with someone I wasn't sure about. I'm beginning to realise that most relationships start that way. They survive because of love.
I want someone to love me. According to Maslow's hierarchy of needs, it is an important step towards self-actualisation. first there is food and shelter, but eventually we move to love and intellectual growth. I've got most of those needs covered now... which leaves love.
Have I fallen in love since I've moved down here? Not really. Much like I've said before - all the wrong social circles.
But I'm wondering - am I really in the wrong social circle, or am I missing something. Really, I want to be dating someone who is a gamer. But I also want to date someone who isn't afraid to go to a nightclub or hang out and, well, not game.
Leaves me in a mixed situation - as most people in the gaming circles I mix in just aren't my type. If you get my drift.
Which leaves me scratching my head and wondering again - what can I do that will resolve this for me. Sure, I could go hang out in a wider social circle - but I don't feel the desire to. Scared.
Wow.
I have very little else to add, unfortunately. I'm not depressed - oddly enough - just weary. I realise that I'm over Alex. But I'm still feeling like... well... something is missing. Or maybe, more accurately, I'm missing something.
Love and Huggles
Conan
Currently Reading: A Game of Thrones
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood: Perplexed, melancholy but mostly fine...
No comments:
Post a Comment