Today I finally heard back from Retailworld about the Franchise job, and they're wanting to continue with the process. I had a discussion with Tim on the matter, and while it initially sounds like a good idea I have a lot of reservations about it. I've committed myself to this psychology path and I'm not sure it would be particularly wise to be second guessing it now.
I've set up myself to be able to work off my debts, have some money for games and food, generally I'm in a position of relative strength and purpose now. I don't want to risk it on a job that may only have short term prospects for me.
So the rest of this week will be a case of measuring the pros and cons of changing tact, but I have a feeling I'm going to stick with the Psychology route.
In other news, I've been thinking a lot about how people perceive me. I always thought I was pretty straight forward and honest, but lately I've been worrying that people read the wrong intentions into my actions and words. Part of this has spawned from responses to writing I've done recently, and part of it has to do with the relative silence I'm feeling building around me. Am I possibly pushing people away?
Which led me to think about my rather chronic single condition. What should I do about that? I'm thinking I might try internet dating again, but I'm wary about the whole experience. Alex is a past thing now, and I'm kind of tired of the whole chasing people phase. I just wish someone would come up to me and tell me that they like me for a change.
Not that anything like that is going to happen.
I'm not really depressed at the moment. Just weary of constantly having to make all these decisions. I would like to be able to just truly rest for a while. I'm tired of hearing "that's the way things are in life, get hard because everyone else has."
Because things are this way because society decided that's the way it works. I keep hearing this "it's more efficient and there isn't a better way at the moment" and I find myself wondering "it is really efficient?"
I mean, what is it efficient for? We live lives that produce more efficiently - but what for? We keep getting told that there are still no resources to feed every human, and yet thousands of dollars worth of food is wasted each week in the West. There aren't enough fossil fuels, yet money and competition prevent scientists from performing valuable research.
The more I think about it, the more I begin to feel that this world is not efficient at all. There is a grotesque amount of waste in the world, and I contribute to that waste. The worst bit is that I find it so hard to motivate myself to do something about it. I find myself constantly thinking "it could have been worse."
But it could also be better.
The thing is, what can I really do? How can I improve the world when I can't even make up my mind about my future and can't even fall in love?
I care about everyone in the world. I really do. But another part of me is very selfish and wants to just look after my baser needs. My own value structure is woefully confused and I worry that I'm not as good or nice as I want to be.
If I was so ideal - would I really be alone?
That is one of the reasons I want to do well in Psychology. I want to be able to do *something* to help the world. I'm not 100% certain what that something is yet - but I have some ideas building.
I just hope that the world doesn't end before I figure it out... And I hope I wont be facing it on my own.
Love and Huggles
Conan
Currently Reading: A Game of Thrones; SLA Industries
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood: Concerned and a little worried
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