Statistics, Work, Ownsome

So I finally heard back about the franchise opportunity - they're still keen for me to get involved. *sigh* I've spent the last couple of days thinking about my choice to do University, and realised that I really want to stick with it. I'm loving my labs, even liking Statistics.

Work is going great, but it is unfortunately clashing with megaroleplaying. I really wanted to go, and everyone is going to have a good time while I'm down here working Friday, Saturday and Sunday. :(

Still kind of preoccupied with my thoughts. Not really negative - but kind of... ownsome. What do I mean?

I feel like something is seriously missing. It's like a little bug in the corner of my consciousness that is bothering me. I'm currently having thoughts about some things that are a bit too personal to share. Even on this blog.

Sometimes you have things that are very important that you want to talk about, but they are also so personal so... close to your soul... that you can't. For fear of letting people really hurt you. See, I'm a really honest guy, but I surround my core with layers of tom-foolery, concern, rants and other stuff. Not to deceive but to protect myself. I try not to lie, and I will answer my friends honestly whenever possible - my behaviour is genuine - not false. The rare few people who know my core self know this. I give clues and it is often in what I'm not saying.

I'm somewhat conflicted right now about some things and I'm aware that a lot of it has to do with this deeper concern of loneliness. Some of it has to do with how University this time around sometimes makes me feel so old. Yet there are people my age in my classes.

Part of it is how I feel tired and how I still feel like I'm waiting for something to happen. Something I feel building up but can't quite explain.

Which worries me, that I have these thoughts and feelings.

And yet, that still avoids mentioning what is happening at my core.

It's something I've lived with for a long time, and it is rearing its head again. But I can't accept that this is how it will always be. I have to want to change and take risks. The thing is, I have taken so many risks recently.

Once again, I feel old. I feel unattractive. I feel like I will always be cared about - but never loved.

Yet I can't accept it. I rail against that feeling because I know, deep down, that I am worth all the effort. I am caring and loving. I might not look like Brad Pitt, sure, but I'm attractive. I think about others and their feelings.

Yet that isn't everything that is going on inside.

The biggest problem with thinking about the things not being said - is that so much is not being said. How can people ever guess correctly?

Well, that is part of the issue...

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: A Game of Thrones
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood: Contemplative and still worried