Developmental Psychology and V

V for Vendetta is AWESOME. I've decided that I liked it so much it got upgraded to AWESOME (because I refuse to spell it with a u). On the flipside, the trailer for The Da Vinci Code managed to make the movie look so monumentally dull I'm pretty much decided that it is worth missing. Not to mention that Tom Hanks is possibly the WORST choice of lead for such a film.

Right now I'm trying to recall details about Piaget, Vygotsky, Core Knowledge theory, and the like. So bear with me here...

Piaget argued that there are four stages of development - Sensimotor (Birth - 2 years old), Preoperational (2-7 years), Concrete Operational (7-11 years) and Formal Operational (11+).

His argument was that children went through these stages in order of development.

Vygotsky argues for a more sociocultural development - where children are more aware and can develop based on scaffolding (where parents help them overcome challenges that exceed their personal ability to learn.) This deals with the Zone of Proximal Development.

Core Knowledge theory states that children are born with basic core knowledges - sort of naive theories where they test what they fundamentally know and alter it when it fails - thus building more sophisticated knowledges in their place.

Information Processing theory likens the human mind to a computer. The base theory involves our working memory (short term) and long term memory. This is all processed by the Central Exectutive - the conscious part of the mind. Then there is Connectionist theory - where our mind creates connections between information to resolve problems. When something is proven wrong, the connections weaken, if they are reinforced - the connections strengthen.

*whew*

In cognition, children often develop two views of self - the I-self and the Me-Self. The I-self involves how the child is inside - it is a sort of self-awareness of the child as a continuous being with self-agency.

The Me-Self is about the child's characteristics - what they have, who they know, what beliefs and attitudes the child carries.

That all sounds impressive - but I'm still nervous that it hasn't really sunk in. :/

Then I have to get on to Statistics and Research Methods - which I have woefully been slack in.

Oh, so much to do!

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Child Development
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood:Nervous about test

Exalted and Study

Today I am spending a majority of my time prepping for my Psych test tomorrow. I hope to do better this time - but it has actually proven to be very difficult to a) discipline myself to study and b) find the time to study. Here's hoping I pass. :)

Got a hold of my copy of Exalted Second Edition. Wow. Just wow. It is gorgeous and sexy and fun. Simply pure joy to read and I'm really excited about the prospect of playing it this weekend. Woop woop! :)

Not much else to report. Still single, dating site is not really helping - it's frustrating to see all the 30+ people who are "looking for fun" or "looking for a quickie." Then all the 20-30 "Looking for a relationship, but only if you're younger than me and hot."

Riiiiiiight.

Doesn't anyone believe in just dating and seeing what happens anymore?

It's like I have to look like Brad fricken Pitt, somehow either get younger or lie about my age (and while I can possibly pull off looking 25, I'm not about to stoop so low as to lie to get a date) it seems impossible. Also, I seem to be unable to get anyone to show any interest in me because they all seem to think that by reading a few sentences on a webpage they know everything there is to know.

I hang out with friends in person who I have known for years now and I still don't know everything I could know about them.

Yeesh - I am fast learning the issue with expectations. I guess I want to go out with someone who isn't expecting anything- but the problem is that most people go on those sites with the expectation of finding someone who they will have an instant relationship with.

Maybe I should risk a university club...

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Exalted 2e, Lifespan Development
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood:Nervous about this test...

Wind, Rain and Statistics

Well I'm blazing through my Stats assignment- so I ought to have it done by 5pm. Then I need to start a study plan to make sure I catch up on the stuff I've missed out on. *sigh*

It's wet and wild outside, which makes me glad to be in here. I optimistically checked out an online connection site (come on, it really isn't about dating despite what they say...) and was a little disheartened to see how many people seem to set unrealistic goals for relationships.

See, I believe that when you're looking for someone, you should be open to possibility. I try to put the minimum of requirements - not obese, not bitchy - but leave most of the details open. I want to actually meet someone.

But a lot of people seem to make shopping lists of traits. Must be successful, tall, driven, funny, genuine, gym-going, blue-eyed, have a house, got dogs...

This kind of thing is counter-productive, I feel. The more you list, the less prospects you have to choose from.

Love isn't mechanical like that. And relationships take time. You need to build them up, and often they come when you least expect them. I was in a relationship that I didn't even realise was one until after it was over. Worst of all, it ended because Steve realised it *was* a relationship and that I didn't meet his shopping list of requirements.

That's the problem. I keep thinking of this show I once watched which was about women having trouble finding men in the modern age. They went on dates - and one couple really showed a spark and clearly were liking each other. When he was interviewed, the guy said he was keen to see her again and liked her. She was interviewed and said she liked him and he was sexy, but he didn't have a life plan, so it wouldn't work out.

I was shocked. She listed a number of traits she wanted in a man and then bemoaned that she was going to be single forever- yet there was a man right there that she liked, hit it off with and was happy with.And she didn't like him for purely mechanical reasons. Emotionally she admitted that she really hit it off with him. Then she topped it all off with "he probably wouldn't want to go out with me again anyway."

What the hell?!

Why is it that people moan on about love all the time and then let such "practical" things get in the way. To be blunt - love isn't practical. That's kind of the whole point. It's an emotional thing that provides a whole number of intangibles, being pragmatic about it is a sure fire way of taking yourself out of the runnings.

It's meant to be a risky venture - if it was easy and simple we would never have to stress about it. I could walk into a room go "that's the person I love" we'd walk out and everything would be happy. On rare occassions that does happen - but scientific studies have shown that more often, love takes about a year to develop.

I know with Alex that was about right.

So where does that leave you? Well you need to take chances, you need to go out with people and if you like them spend time with them. Learn all about them before you commit yourself - but don't rule them out at the same time. Give your emotions time to respond.

Otherwise you'll always end up alone.

Of course, I often have a hard time following my own advice. :D

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Statistics Assignment
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood: Still on the whole wanting to be in love kick...

Movies, IQ and Stuff...

Firstly, let's start off with the Movie Meme that's been making the rounds...

(X) Rocky Horror Picture Show
(x) Grease
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean
(X) Boondock Saints
(X) The Mexican
(x) Fight Club
(X) Starsky and Hutch
(x) Neverending Story
(X) Blazing Saddles
(X) Airplane

Total: 10

(x) The Princess Bride
(X) Young Frankenstien
() AnchorMan: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
(X) Napoleon Dynamite
(x) Labyrinth
() Saw
() Saw II
(X) White Noise
() White Oleander
(X) Anger Management
(X) 50 First Dates
() Jason X

Total: 7

(x) Scream
(x) Scream 2
(X) Scream 3
(X) Scary Movie
(X) Scary Movie 2
(X) Scary Movie 3
(X) American Pie
(X) American Pie 2
(X) American Wedding

Total: 9

(x) Harry Potter
(x) Harry Potter 2
(x) Harry Potter 3
(x) Harry Potter 4
(X) Resident Evil I
(X) Resident Evil 2
(x) The Wedding Singer
() Little Black Book
(x) The Village
(x) Donnie Darko
(x) Lilo & Stitch
(X) Lilo & Stitch 2: Stitch has a Glitch

Total: 11

(x) Finding Nemo
() Finding Neverland
(x) Signs
(x) The Grinch (jim carrey)
() Texas Chainsaw Massacre
() White Chicks
(X) Butterfly Effect
(x) Thirteen Going on 30
(X) I, Robot

Total: 6

(X) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
(X) Universal Soldier
(x) A Series Of Unfortunate Events
(X) Along Came Polly
(x) Deep Impact
(X) KingPin
(x) Never Been Kissed
(X) Meet The Parents
(X) Meet the Fockers
() Eight Crazy Nights
() Joe Dirt

Total: 9


() A Cinderella Story
() the Terminal
() the Lizzie McGuire Movie
() Passport to Paris
(x) Dumb & Dumber
() Dumb & Dumberer
(X) Final Destination
() Final Destination 2
(X) Halloween
(x) The Ring
(X) The Ring 2

Total: 5


() Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
(x) Practical Magic
(x) Chicago
(X) Ghost Ship
(x) From Hell
(x) Hellboy
() Secret Window
() I Am Sam
(X) The Whole Nine Yards

Total: 6

(x) The Day After Tomorrow
(x) Child's Play
(X) Bride of Chucky
(x) Ten Things I Hate About You
(X) Just Married
() Gothika
(x) Nightmare on Elm Street
(X) Sixteen Candles
() Remember the Titans
() Coach Carter
() Bad Boys

Total: 7

() Bad Boys 2
(X) Joy Ride
(X) Se7en
(X) Ocean's Eleven
(X) Ocean's Twelve
() Identity
() Lone Star
(X) Bedazzled
(X) Predator I
(X) Predator II

Total: 7

(x) Independence Day
() Cujo
() A Bronx Tale
() Darkness Falls
(X) Christine
(x) ET
(X) Children of the Corn
() My Boss' daughter
(X) Maid in Manhattan
() Frailty

Total: 5

() Best Bet
(x) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
(x) She's All That
(x) Calendar Girls
() Sideways
(x) Mars Attacks
(x) Event Horizon
(x) Ever After
() Forrest Gump
(X) Big Trouble in Little China

Total: 7

(x) X-men
(x) X-men2
(x) Spider-Man
(x) Spider-Man 2
(x) Sky High
(X) Jeepers Creepers
() Jeepers Creepers 2
() Catch Me If You Can
(x) The Others
(x) Freaky Friday
(x) Reign of Fire
(x) Cruel Intentions
() Cruel Intentions 2
(X) The Hot Chick

Total: 11

(X) Swimfan
(X) Miracle
(X) Old School
() The Notebook
(X) K-Pax
(x) Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
(x) Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
(x) Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
() A Walk to Remember
(X) Boogeyman

Total: 8

(X) Hitch
(x) The Fifth Element
(x) Star Wars Episode I The Phantom Menace
(x) Star Wars Episode II Attack of The Clones
(x) Star Wars Episode III Revenge of The Sith
(x) Star Wars Episode IV A New Hope
(x) Star Wars Episode V The Empire Strikes Back
(x) Star Wars Episode VI Return of The Jedi
(x) Troop Beverly Hills
(X) Swimming with Sharks

Total: 10

(x) Air Force one
() For Richer or Poorer
(X) Trainspotting
(X) People Under the Stairs......
(X) Blue Velvet
(x) Sound of Music
(x) Parent Trap
() Parent Trap Re-make
(x) The Birds
(x) The Terminator
(x) Terminator-2
(x) T-3

Total: 10

(x) Empire Records
() SLC Punk
(x) Meet Joe Black
(x) Nightmare Before Christmas
(X) The Silence of the Lambs
(x) Sleepy Hollow
(x) I Heart Huckabees
() 24 Hour Party People
() Blood In Blood Out

Total: 6

(x) Thirteen
() Manic
(x) American History X
(X) Deep Blue Sea
() George of the Jungle
() Canadian Bacon
() Big Black Titties
() How High
() The Jacket
() My Little Ponys Grand Adventure

Total: 3

() The Wicker Man
() Rear Window
(x) Unbreakable
() Ong-Bak
() De-Lovely
(x) Manos: the hands of fate
Total: 2

Grand Total: 139 movies. :)

What can I say? I love my movies.

Secondly, I sat a "pocket IQ test" that we had lying around the house - I scored 132 - apparently placing me in 2.2% of the world's population. Wow. That's the second IQ test to place me in the upper echelons of thinking - so why don't I score better in psychology tests? ;)

I got to hang out with my brother yesterday - we went to Asian Kitchen for Dinner (by the way, *don't* order the Red Curry unless you like your curry tangy as opposed to hot, it wasn't awful - just not what I had wanted when I saw "red curry.")

We then went and watched Date Movie - which was amusing, but no where near as funny as Not Another Teen Movie. However I strangely found the Scary Movie 4 trailer looked actually funny!

Anyhoop - that's all from me today. Have a great day!

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Nothing at the moment - waiting on Nine Worlds and Exalted 2e
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood: Positive and upbeat. (BTW Henley, it was the mouthwash from the look of things... ;) )

Assignments, Confusion, Parties and Stocktakes

Wow. I didn't get home until 2am this morning thanks to our stocktake at work. I was soooo tired.

What a weekend. So much weirdness and funness going on.

"I Have the Funnest Bedroom in the World..."

So let's get started with the weirdness. As many of you are no doubt aware, I'm in a bit of a strange place regarding relationships - as in no relationship and feeling it quite intensely at the moment. But worst of all, it feels like my ability to read signals is seriously on the fritz.

So E. at work is like a really nice and friendly design student. I wont say his name because it could cause all sorts of merry havoc at the moment. :D Anyway, on Friday we had this odd little exchange. I've gotten mixed signals before - he muddles my head I think...

E.: I'm going to be buying one of these today.
Me: *chuckles* you and your toys. You're such a big kid!
E.: What's wrong with that. I have heaps of toys in my room. I have the funnest bedroom in the world.
Me: *Raising an eyebrow and smiling slyly* Funnest bedroom in the world?
E.: *Raising eyebrow and grinning mischievously* Yep. I should invite you over sometime to see it.

At which point I kind of have a minor freak and head off to find something to do. FAST. Later on we chat again and I mention how he was talking about getting a train set to put in his room, and we natter about that for a bit and he winks and says "I definitely will invite you to see my room sometime."

*ahem*

Then later he walks up to me at the counter and says "Hey, have you got a buddy for the stocktake yet?"

I reply that no, I haven't. Then he asks me "Will you be my buddy for stocktake?"

I say, sure. He replies "Awesome!" and does the little victory dance.

But that's not the weird bit. We're heading out after work and I'm talking about heading to Vic Gaming Club when we get onto the topic of RPGs and Computer RPGs. He mentions how he'd likely get addicted to World of Warcraft, and that got to talking about flats. He then mentions that he is rarely at home because he often stays at his girlfriend's flat because she has a computer.

So I'm reaching hyper confused status here. I put it all off as confused signals and he's just cheeky and friendly.

Fast forward to last night. Okay, so I spend a bit of time doing counts. Then when I'm out on the floor counting stock, I have to climb this ladder to get to the top of one of our huge shelves of preschooler gear (might I add that the tallest shelves in the shop hold the products for the shortest customers... how weird is that?) Anyway, I'm up there and I turn to put a product down on a bench when I see E. looking at me and we share a smile. This happens throughout the night. Then, when the pizza came around we kind of end up talking - and I get the whole "are we flirting?" vibe again.

Then later, when I've completed my section and looking for work to do, he asks me to help him out in his section. So far no probs. But we start writing post-it notes to stick on each other's back when he's not looking. So I stuck a "1" to say that we had one of him in stock. He then sticks "Call me" on my back. I retaliate with "Hug me" which is returned with "Tickle Me" - you get the idea.

We then move on to cards - at which point the soft toys are being spread across the entire store in an attempt to count them - it was like a plushie political sit-in protest. :D I commented on the cute toys and E. mentions how it's cool to see I have a soft side. So I (impishly) respond with "Hey, I'm a sucker for cute things." At which point he winks at me. What the hell is going on?!

At the end of the evening I'm no less confused! There was pretty much more of this crazy behaviour all night. So I'm taking the behave and just step waaaay back response now. I am obviously so spun around at the moment I'm just going a mite loopy.

Parties

On Saturday I had the craziest time. I was invited to Giffy's Birthday and the Naomi's flat warming. I missed the train to Johnsonville and got all frazzled about what to do - the next form of transport was about an hour away - so I text Giffy and said I couldn't make it. Then texted Fraser to see if I could get a lift to Naomi's.

Giffy comes back with information for a lift, and by the time I hear back from Fraser I've already arranged transport to J'ville.

As I'm texting Fraser back, he and Dan show up. Oh dear. So I felt really guilty, but Fraser was understanding about it all. Dan was typical Dan, cheeky little blighter that he is. :D

Giffy's was a blast, although Jenni's table did disturb us with their Bottom Poking Bastards marketing campaign. Funniest thing of all, it is not as dirty as it may sound. :)

It was cool to catch up with everyone that I don't usually get to see on a regular basis - and it was great to catch up with Nick - briefly. I felt kind of bad disappearing before getting a chance to talk with him more, but I tend to find parties to not be condusive to long one-on-one conversation. The food was freaking fantastic - if you're ever in J'ville and want a good meal, check out Sawadees on Johnsonville Road. It is absolutely delicious! :D

After the party Jarrod, Brian and I rolled on over to Northland to hang out at Naomi's. My friend Stephanie (now known as Steph II) was there holding court with Gin and Damon it appears. Mash was a bit tipsy... and when I say a bit, I mean a lot. And when I say tipsy, I mean falling all over the freaking place! :D

I got to catch up with some friends again, but felt kind of blasted. So when Sam K. offered to drive us home, I was happy to get the lift home. (The walk later from Northland would have been a BITCH!) :)

We picked up Sam's girlfriend Cinders and then headed back here. Mash insisted on doing backflips off the garden wall until we managed to get him into the house and to his bedroom. At this point I went to my room and just collapsed on my bed.

Stocktake

Yep, this is an epic post today...

So stocktake was on the next day. It was a pretty full on evening, that went from midday to about one in the morning, and people were still doing things like scanning codes and the like when I left. But it was the most fun I'd had in a stocktake. We clowned around between counts and made the most of the evening. Work provided pizza, fish and chips, drinks, chocolate and sweets to keep us going through the night. E. and I even set up a little sweets picnic while we counted the boys trucks and stickers.

Assignments and other things...

Now I'm coming to the end of my post for today. I have my stats assignment to finish. It's not that big, but I'm finding it hard to get motivated. I've been hinting at the issue over the last few weeks, and some of the things I seem to be concerned about are really foci that I'm channelling my real frustration into.

I am feeling kind of lonely.

Not in the I have no friends way. But in the kind of - no one to share things with kind of way. I worry at the moment that this is going to be permanent. It's playing with my head and I'm not stopping it because I think, deep down, I don't want to. I want to feel this, to acknowledge it and figure out a solution.

I long to kiss someone. That most of all. Odd, isn't it. I don't want to have sex (not that I mind it, but I can take it or leave it), I want to have someone to hold and kiss and share silly jokes with.

I want to be in a real relationship for the first time in my life.

Yep. It's what I've talked about before - but the sensation and sense of urgency has gotten stronger as of late. I'm not too sure as to why, but it definitely is pressing on my mind that it wants to be seen to.

Maybe it's just the time of year...

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Lifespan Development
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood:A little mixed between lonely and content

Concerns building

So I didn't do too well in my test. 9.8/20 :(

Now a lot of that is due to me dragging my heels, something is distracting my attention and I'm not actually sure what it is. Is this lack of interest in putting the work into my studies to do with my really wanting to be doing something else?

I'm currently debating maybe that I should go back to full-time work and think about money instead of future. I ache to write. I want to write - or maybe direct. Basically I have an overwhelming urge to create and yet when I sit down to start writing, pressure builds in my skull and I find it very difficult to actually get anything of value out.

Or, more commonly, I find excuses to not even sit down at the computer.

So what is distracting me so much.

Take a guess - I've been talking about it on and off for the last few weeks.

I'm not really sure what I'm going to do about it. I'm currently wrestling my mind into accepting that it has to focus on study - I have 3 tests approaching, and I need to be ready for them.

So I remain somewhat nervous and unfocused - which isn't a good thing.

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Research Methods for Psychology
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood: Lonely, Wanting to be hugged by someone he loves...

Work, Rain, Assignments and...

I love the rain. I love the feeling you get when you walk into a warm room after being out in the cold.

In a strange twist of events, I ended up working today - thus balancing out my missing work last Wednesday due to my misreading the roster. :)

Yay money! lol.

I'm also feeling calm about my upcoming Stats assignment - so all is good at the moment.

Can't stay too long to chat, unfortunately. I watched Get Real again last night - man that's a funny film. But it really hammered home to me the problem I spoke about earlier. In the movie it has kind of a bittersweet happy ending. The hero is happy, but didn't really get what he wanted.

It has made me wonder if I could write my own kind of story in that respect. Except, well, I don't have a lot of experience in the actual being in love department. I've loved a couple of people, but it was never returned.

Ooop - there I go AGAIN about love. I really am obsessed with the notion. :)

Anyhoop, I'm outta here for the day - off to work and all.

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Stats Work
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood: Contemplating some things about relationships and people...

Here comes the rain again

Some time today, I'm buying an umbrella. :)

So I'm stuck at home, probably missing my lectures due to this weather. I'm not about to battle my way out to the busstop with the torrential downpour at the moment, so I intend to take advantage of this weather and work on my Stats project and Developmental Psych essay. At least I'll be getting some positive work done for my course. :)

Hopefully it will ease up enough for me to head in a little later. :)

Hmmmm

What else to talk about. I've considered trying out internet dating again. It was a bit of a laugh last time, but it's either that or join a particularly irreputable university group. :D At least this way I should be socialising with people more my own age.

Not that I wouldn't go out with an 18-25 year old, but the chances of long-term compatibility are likely to be low. I'm talking about needing to meet an exceptional young person who is mature and capable of putting up with a fuddy-duddy like me.

So instead, I'm aiming to meet someone who remembers Knight Rider when it first came out. :D Well, maybe not Knight Rider, but you get the idea.

I did have some deep and meaningful topic in mind when I started writing, but it seems to have escaped my brain, so I'll talk about friends.

I value my friends a lot, and often worry that I don't show it enough. It was the aid of my friends and their kindness that really helped me through quite a rocky patch of my life a few months back. I don't think I say thank you enough.

So to all of you (you know who you are) thank you very very much. You all mean a lot to me.

Friendship is part of what life is all about. Some people will tell you it's about money, success, comfort... but I disagree. Life is about experience and connecting with others. Friendship is a valuable thing that helps us to survive the hard times and appreciate the good times. What value is money if you are alone? What point is there to success if nobody else celebrates it with you?

That is the paradox of being human. We are both social and solitary creatures. We strive for independence, and yet crave contact.

Which is why I feel that to fall in love with someone, friendship needs to also develop. Someone once said that the line between friendship and love is but a small step. Ironically, so is the line between love and hate. Yet hate is still a connection, hence the three being so similar.

I made the mistake of pushing that line a couple of times. That's where experience comes in - experience allows us to make good on our mistakes and improve our connections.

So here I am hoping to make some new friends and secretly hoping that one of those friendships might lead to love. The thing is, this time, to not push the line but be open to the natural flow of things.

Maybe I should become a buddhist... :D

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Lifespan Development
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood: Taking on Assignments and my relationship status!

Apparently it's all about freedom

It's one of those strange paradoxes in life where the more things change the more they don't. I remember once getting into a ripsnorter of an argument with a liberally minded guy who swore black and blue that technology was dramatically changing society. I tried to explain how much study into the effects of technoculture seemed to be suggesting the opposite.

Much of life reminds me of that discussion. There is a group of theorists who believe that technology merely helps humans be humans in new and novel ways. So while on the surface things like texting allow us to communicate faster - we still bully each other.

Blogs allow us to be open about our thoughts - but not really change us from being what we were before.

Is this a fact? Or a confused mix.

I was recently watching Get Real and realised just how much... and how little attitudes have changed in our society.

We live in a tolerant situation where it's okay for people to be gay, but at the same time there is still a certain stigma connected to it. Even the homosexual community ends up supporting this stigma.

The whole idea of being "out" is supposed to be about freedom. But I remember when I was 17, not that long ago, and being out was a sure fire way to being ostracised by friends and family.

Even today, despite massive headway in social tolerance, this is often the case. But now there is the added conflict of dealing with the gay scene - which has never really moved on from the closet days of sex clubs and tea rooms.

I remember once my mother making a comment about gay men being the loneliest people in the world, and I think she's kind of right. There is something difficult about being someone who is not only confused about sexuality, but about love too.

See, the thing about being straight and in love is that there is a vast plethora of material supporting that. We are bombarded by images of heterosexual love daily. Which is fine. But compare traditional love stories with those of gay ones from film and fiction.

Traditional love stories tend to deal with romance, some sex and eventually a future. Sure, there are many tragic love stories - but there are many more happy endings.

Most gay fiction instead presents relationships built on sexual attraction, rarely explore what love is or how a gay relationship can work. Gay relationships are often portrayed as doomed or tragic. Even Brokeback Mountain - which presents the emotional side of such a relationship, ends on a down note.

There are very few stories that end happily.

These are the role models for gay youth. Tragic romances doomed to failure, guys always having to accept being alone, or else taking on the role of the over-camp man who sleeps around.

Even Queer Eye for the Straight Guy presents a weak role model - being gay is about being a living stereotype.

To make matters worse, younger gay men don't even take advantage of how easy they have it. Nowadays it is much easier to come out and have a real relationship, but instead many get wrapped up into a stereotyped lifestyle simply to feel accepted. While this mirrors many heterosexual cliques during teens and early twenties - the problem is gay men just don't know what they are supposed to do after getting into a relationship.

Where is there to go? Families are still not really accepted, civil unions are legally accepted but many people frown on them. What exactly is the perceived future of a gay couple? According to the media - eventual break-up or an early grave.

No wonder so many guys stay in the closet.

I guess I get frustrated with how messed up many gay men's thinking goes.

Sometimes I forget that everyone - gay, bi or straight - has trouble when it comes to figuring out what love is.

In the movies love is easy to figure out. But in life, it is difficult. But worse still when the perceived norm is to have sex with someone and then fall in love.

When dating is simply a formality to decide if sex is an option or not.

I know, I'm sounding all old and cynical. I still believe that most people want to love and be loved. I also know that it's hard to find someone in this world. Some of us get lucky and find that someone straight away.

But for people like me...

I guess this post is more about me than about gay men or cinema or anything like that.

I'm not really sure how I feel at the moment about things. I'm tired. Lonely. Still a disorganised mess of a person.

But I'm also aware that while I may not be as attractive as I once was, I'm not exactly ugly. I know that my heart is in the right place, that I want to do the right thing and that I genuinely care about people. I know that while I often say "I give up," I never do. I know that whoever I end up with I will make that person the happiest person on earth. Heck, in the whole universe.

I know all these things. But how do I show it to someone else? How do I convince someone to take that chance? Worst of all, how can I tell when someone is open to the possibility of a date?

People are always being so coy. Which brings me back to the initial commentary. We live in a tolerant society, but we still shy from talking about when we like someone.

Instead we play coy little games, which can be fun for a while - but if you rely on them... you'll never get anywhere. Or we avoid the person we like. Or we pretend that there is nothing there. Or try to convince ourselves we're wrong.

And then the moment slips us by.

Or you end up like me, completely oblivious to anything. Avoiding taking the chance because what if I read the signs wrong. Then I end up humilitating myself and the other person.

I do feel that many people in relationships forget how hard it is being single.

Where does that leave us?

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Nine Worlds
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood: Thinking about life...

Tests, Beds, Life and Stuff

It is done! I have a new bed! Woop woop!

Today I bought some bed linen to further tidy it up, and it feels pretty good to have it.

It ends up that yesterday I *was* rostered to work, and had looked at the wrong sheet. So I got a little stressy when they called today to ask where I was yesterday. But at least the boss understood that I had simply read the wrong roster, and it was strange they chose to wait all day to contact me about it.

Still it did make me worry a bit.

Man! Just when I thought there was no more decent Anime coming out, madman unleashes a freaking avalanche of cool shows. I should drop uni to work full time so I can buy them all! :D Ahh, but would I really be happy? I've been watching The Insider's Guide to Happiness and realising that I might seriously be thinking of taking up Buddhism. I've noticed that more and more recently, I have been drawn to the philosophy again. I'll have to take out my old notes, read up on wikipedia and learn a bit more before approaching any local group for more advice...

Moving on - Psychology. I have a test tomorrow for developmental psych, and I'm kind of nervous. Sure, today I totally owned in the tutorial. One of the other students was confused by the text, and I ended up talking about how he had confused himself about why two particular tests had been mentioned. When I finished talking, the tutor then said (smiling, I might add) "what he just said."

He even talked to me afterwards about how I shouldn't worry about the test.

Still - it is about a large number of topics. I'm not sure if I still have understood such theories as Dynamic Systems and Ecological theory.

On the other hand, it is worth 20%. If I don't do too well in it, I can still get my aimed for B+ average as well as use the test to spot my weaknesses so I can improve them for the next test. In this way, I am avoiding stressing out. :)

So now that I have a bed, I guess I should start actually thinking about cleaning up the rest of my room and looking for someone to help me "christen" it. ;)

lol

Any suggestions of where to start?

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Lifespan Development, Childhood Development
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood: Ready to OWN in that test!

New Sub-Blog

Hey there, I've just finished setting up my companion blog where I will be practising my writing skills.

Dream of Consciousness

Check it out. It will involve prose and snippets of fiction to help me keep my skills up to scratch. As you will see, I am somewhat rusty. :D

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Primetime Adventures
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold

Games, Study and Samurai

Wow. I've been trading around some of my anime DVDs etc (not Big O, btw) and picked up Samurai 7 disc 1. Essentially it's a sci-fi/fantasy reimagining of Akira Kurosawa's classic film, Seven Samurai.

Wow.

Nick P will absolutely LOVE this show. It has big robots, space battles, more badass loners than you can shake a stick at... honestly, it was like having Nick's subconscious poured into my brain via my eyeballs.

Most impressive of all is that the series has a pretty cool story and nifty characters. Sure, the three Samurai that have been introduced so far are all badass loners - but they are all different BALORs. Very nifty.

Games

So in the aftermath of Megaroleplaying weekend, a lot of people have be extolling the virtues of the game Primetime Adventures. All this caused me to dig out the old thing to give it another look over and the realisation that I'm still not very satisfied with it. I had a chat with Mash about gaming and mentioned how sometimes it feels like I'm talking to brick walls when I try to explain why I'm not satisfied.

At the core of my issue with the game lies the ideas of consistency and group. Like many indie games, PTA strikes me as a game that will rock if you play with a group who kind of groks the idea behind it - and will fail abysmally with a group who doesn't.

So I get a little aggressive when I see all the effusive "this game will do anything well" kind of rhetoric that flies around about it. It's good, but it doesn't do everything well. I, personally, found it to not be reliable at producing a strong narrative nor being able to provide a decent framework to build the narrative up.

It can do this, but as I mentioned, this is highly reliant on having the right sort of GM and/or group to pull it off. Now I will admit, I base this off the first edtion. I get the impression that the second edition of the game is a bit fuller and may do a better job of setting up the framework necessary.

Narrative is all about cause and effect, and very few games address this. We tend to follow it intuitively - but PTA's structure seems to almost break from this.

Again, I need to read over it more. I guess I just feel a little aggressive at the over-enthusiastic commentary of a game that was successful because of who ran it and played in it rather than anything innately good about the game. The system provides a good foundation for those skilled people to do what they love to do - but if I was to take it along to a different group of players the results would not be repeatable.

Which is making me sound more and more like a scientist... which leads me to...

Study

I'm slowly picking up Statistics. I'm being a bit naughty today and skipping my research methods lecture (going to study my ass off to make up for it.) But I am finding myself becoming ever more scientific in my thinking. It's weird. I am getting better at writing factual information and I'm expecting more solid evidence for claims than even Philosophy got me doing.

Of course, who knows how long taht will last? :)

Anyhoop... enough ranting and babbling from me. I'm going to get back to study now.

Laters!

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Primetime Adventures
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood: Bouncy and Positive

Big O! It's Showtime!

So I just finished watching The Big O.

Wow.

It's kind of hard to describe the series without kind of ruining the twists and turns in the series. My best explanation is that if you like Rah Xephon or Neon Genesis- it will appeal. If you like film noir, it may appeal. If you like pulp adventure - it will appeal.

What starts off as a kind of kooky Big Robot series turns into something kind of impressive. It tries to present a very consistent world while keeping the big surprise until the end.

Initially I was uncertain about how well it was going to handle the noir tone it strove for, but as the series progressed, the tone deepened. There are some very obvious noir tropes that show up later in the series. In retrospect, I can see why they chose to use noir as the vehicle for the story - it is, in itself, a foreshadowing of what happens at the end.

Yes, the end. I recommend not trying to find out about it before watching the show. It is a bizarre and cool ending that I felt really fitted in with the general surreal qualities of the show. All in all, I give Big O the two thumbs up. It's right up with Rah Xephon, Utena, Lain and Cowboy Bebop as one of my favourite series. :D

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: A Game of Thrones
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood: Experiencing post Anime finale buzz. :)

Statistics, Work, Ownsome

So I finally heard back about the franchise opportunity - they're still keen for me to get involved. *sigh* I've spent the last couple of days thinking about my choice to do University, and realised that I really want to stick with it. I'm loving my labs, even liking Statistics.

Work is going great, but it is unfortunately clashing with megaroleplaying. I really wanted to go, and everyone is going to have a good time while I'm down here working Friday, Saturday and Sunday. :(

Still kind of preoccupied with my thoughts. Not really negative - but kind of... ownsome. What do I mean?

I feel like something is seriously missing. It's like a little bug in the corner of my consciousness that is bothering me. I'm currently having thoughts about some things that are a bit too personal to share. Even on this blog.

Sometimes you have things that are very important that you want to talk about, but they are also so personal so... close to your soul... that you can't. For fear of letting people really hurt you. See, I'm a really honest guy, but I surround my core with layers of tom-foolery, concern, rants and other stuff. Not to deceive but to protect myself. I try not to lie, and I will answer my friends honestly whenever possible - my behaviour is genuine - not false. The rare few people who know my core self know this. I give clues and it is often in what I'm not saying.

I'm somewhat conflicted right now about some things and I'm aware that a lot of it has to do with this deeper concern of loneliness. Some of it has to do with how University this time around sometimes makes me feel so old. Yet there are people my age in my classes.

Part of it is how I feel tired and how I still feel like I'm waiting for something to happen. Something I feel building up but can't quite explain.

Which worries me, that I have these thoughts and feelings.

And yet, that still avoids mentioning what is happening at my core.

It's something I've lived with for a long time, and it is rearing its head again. But I can't accept that this is how it will always be. I have to want to change and take risks. The thing is, I have taken so many risks recently.

Once again, I feel old. I feel unattractive. I feel like I will always be cared about - but never loved.

Yet I can't accept it. I rail against that feeling because I know, deep down, that I am worth all the effort. I am caring and loving. I might not look like Brad Pitt, sure, but I'm attractive. I think about others and their feelings.

Yet that isn't everything that is going on inside.

The biggest problem with thinking about the things not being said - is that so much is not being said. How can people ever guess correctly?

Well, that is part of the issue...

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: A Game of Thrones
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood: Contemplative and still worried

Thinking about life and stuff

Big O is shaping up to be a very cool series - just thought I'd start off with that. :)

Today I finally heard back from Retailworld about the Franchise job, and they're wanting to continue with the process. I had a discussion with Tim on the matter, and while it initially sounds like a good idea I have a lot of reservations about it. I've committed myself to this psychology path and I'm not sure it would be particularly wise to be second guessing it now.

I've set up myself to be able to work off my debts, have some money for games and food, generally I'm in a position of relative strength and purpose now. I don't want to risk it on a job that may only have short term prospects for me.

So the rest of this week will be a case of measuring the pros and cons of changing tact, but I have a feeling I'm going to stick with the Psychology route.

In other news, I've been thinking a lot about how people perceive me. I always thought I was pretty straight forward and honest, but lately I've been worrying that people read the wrong intentions into my actions and words. Part of this has spawned from responses to writing I've done recently, and part of it has to do with the relative silence I'm feeling building around me. Am I possibly pushing people away?

Which led me to think about my rather chronic single condition. What should I do about that? I'm thinking I might try internet dating again, but I'm wary about the whole experience. Alex is a past thing now, and I'm kind of tired of the whole chasing people phase. I just wish someone would come up to me and tell me that they like me for a change.

Not that anything like that is going to happen.

I'm not really depressed at the moment. Just weary of constantly having to make all these decisions. I would like to be able to just truly rest for a while. I'm tired of hearing "that's the way things are in life, get hard because everyone else has."

Because things are this way because society decided that's the way it works. I keep hearing this "it's more efficient and there isn't a better way at the moment" and I find myself wondering "it is really efficient?"

I mean, what is it efficient for? We live lives that produce more efficiently - but what for? We keep getting told that there are still no resources to feed every human, and yet thousands of dollars worth of food is wasted each week in the West. There aren't enough fossil fuels, yet money and competition prevent scientists from performing valuable research.

The more I think about it, the more I begin to feel that this world is not efficient at all. There is a grotesque amount of waste in the world, and I contribute to that waste. The worst bit is that I find it so hard to motivate myself to do something about it. I find myself constantly thinking "it could have been worse."

But it could also be better.

The thing is, what can I really do? How can I improve the world when I can't even make up my mind about my future and can't even fall in love?

I care about everyone in the world. I really do. But another part of me is very selfish and wants to just look after my baser needs. My own value structure is woefully confused and I worry that I'm not as good or nice as I want to be.

If I was so ideal - would I really be alone?

That is one of the reasons I want to do well in Psychology. I want to be able to do *something* to help the world. I'm not 100% certain what that something is yet - but I have some ideas building.

I just hope that the world doesn't end before I figure it out... And I hope I wont be facing it on my own.

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: A Game of Thrones; SLA Industries
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood: Concerned and a little worried

Enjoying the time

Well I'm still a little while away from getting things under control - but it is getting better. :)

Started watching "The Big O" - a noir-esque anime series with giant robots.



Damn it's cool. :D Basically it's set in a place called "Paradigm City." Forty years ago the citizens of Paradigm woke up without any memories. Eventually they learnt to use machines and electricity etc again, but while some memories come back, nobody really knows what happened. Furthermore, nobody ever leaves Paradigm.

Roger Smith, the main character (voiced by the guy who was Spike in Cowboy Bebop), is a bad ass loner who is very much like Bruce Wayne from Batman. But Bruce Wayne/Batman is a pussy next to Roger Smith.

Roger is the top Negotiator in the city - a kind of Private Eye crossed with Ambassador to the underworld. He is professional and always completes a job. When people try to abuse his reputation or things get out of hand due to dishonest crooks, Roger calls upon his secret weapon - The Megadeus, Big O.

Big O is a giant robot from before the time of Amnesia. Along with the help of a sarcastic android named Dorothy, and his butler, Norman - Roger is slowly uncovering the truth behind what happened to Paradigm city.

The animation is very similar to Batman the animated series with a twist of anime traditions. It's at turns funny, dark and mysterious. The story is unfolding quite well and it reminds me of Dark City in the subtle suggestions going on.

Very clever anime. :)

In other news - work is going well. :D Having a ball, hopefully it will last. :D

Gotta go now!

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: A Game of Thrones
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood:

Words from the past...

Okay, so I did the one thing that many people would have said not to do. I communicated with Alex again. Curse Gmail and it's Gchat feature. ;)

Anyway, we chatted and I apologised for my aggression. But I also noted that because of the argument we had the effectively ended our friendship, I was able to leave Auckland and come to Wellington. I don't think I say this enough, but, despite all that has happened to me since I moved down here - I still feel it was the best decision I ever made.

My conversation with Alex today reinforced that. Because I realised that even a month or two ago, I was thinking about him everyday. But not anymore. I think about other things now. Work, my future, my friends, how much I care about people, how much I want to improve myself, how much I need to get fitter, need to take care of the things I've neglected (like my teeth ;) ) all the other minutiae of life.

I love Alex. No doubt about it. And I still think about what happened and every so often remember the good things. But decisions were made and it's time to move on.

Yet there is a melancholy mixed in there. I'm not as young as I used to be. I missed my youth in the aftermath of my parent's divorce and my teenage rebellion against my mother. In the mess of it all, I wasn't able to be in a silly relationship - I foolishly waited to fall in love.

Now I'm in the social circles where I meet mostly people 19-26, while I'm heading towards being 32. Sure, I look young for my age, except for the rapidly evaporating hairline - but I wonder about my chances of truly falling in love. And then I wonder about what I expect to happen then.

It scares me.

Maybe Alex was an excuse as much as love - a chance for me to avoid what I really feared, being in a relationship with someone I wasn't sure about. I'm beginning to realise that most relationships start that way. They survive because of love.

I want someone to love me. According to Maslow's hierarchy of needs, it is an important step towards self-actualisation. first there is food and shelter, but eventually we move to love and intellectual growth. I've got most of those needs covered now... which leaves love.

Have I fallen in love since I've moved down here? Not really. Much like I've said before - all the wrong social circles.

But I'm wondering - am I really in the wrong social circle, or am I missing something. Really, I want to be dating someone who is a gamer. But I also want to date someone who isn't afraid to go to a nightclub or hang out and, well, not game.

Leaves me in a mixed situation - as most people in the gaming circles I mix in just aren't my type. If you get my drift.

Which leaves me scratching my head and wondering again - what can I do that will resolve this for me. Sure, I could go hang out in a wider social circle - but I don't feel the desire to. Scared.

Wow.

I have very little else to add, unfortunately. I'm not depressed - oddly enough - just weary. I realise that I'm over Alex. But I'm still feeling like... well... something is missing. Or maybe, more accurately, I'm missing something.

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: A Game of Thrones
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood: Perplexed, melancholy but mostly fine...

Shiny, Happy, Bouncy, Happy, Shiny

My first day at work yesterday. It was a blast - Toys, games, friendly people and all the fun one could expect.

Not.

I like my new job, I just hope it doesn't burn me out - I'm currently working four days a week, along with studying four days a week. Doesn't take a mathematician to spot the error in those figures. :)

I've learnt that nobody is more frustrating, ignorant, irrational or arrogant than a middle-class white New Zealand housewife with a till receipt. Honestly. This is nothing against women, it's against people who think that because they have a spouse who works they no longer have to worry about fairness or the law.

Of course, many mothers were in fact nice people - it was great chatting with some of them. Also, another lesson learnt - kids can get so excited that they do literally wee themselves in the middle of a shop. Yup. I'm not looking forward to being asked to clean up after the next five year-old goes all wacky over Tractor Tom.

University is going well - I'm about to head out the door to tackle another day of lectures and start prepping myself for assignments etc...

I'm a little concerned about a couple of friends of mine. One up in Auckland is really suffering at the moment - his best friend has cancer, he's broken up with his girlfriend and he's generally feeling isolated and alone. I just wish I could be up there to take him to a movie, hang out and cheer him up. Luckily he will be coming down here for a few days when his friend comes down for some therapy, so hopefully I can spread some good vibes by then.

I'm also having a bit of a personal issue with some things on my mind. Not quite sure what to think of them or what to do. I've resolved to let them percolate in my subconscious for a while. It seems to be the time of year for all this. *sigh*

I've been thinking about how once, not too long ago (as in the last seven or so months) I had the opportunity to be in a relationship with someone. I realised I was not attracted, now. But sometimes I wonder if that was because I'm too shy or too standoffish. Strangely, when I am attracted, I get all tongue-tied and muddled. I either act all intense and pushy or I go the complete opposite.

Worse still, I sometimes tease the people I like. But I also do that with just friends, which means it becomes doubly hard to tell when I am actually attracted.

Wow - no wonder I'm still single! I'm clearly the kind of guy who needs the other party to make the first move. So what happens when I become attracted to someone like me who is waiting for me to make the move but I'm waiting to the move to be made... GAH!!!!!

See! Lack of hugs! At least Alex and I hugged a lot - I actually managed to keep going with that. Of course it was psychologically unhealthy for me - but DAMN I miss intimacy. :D

As you can tell from my rambling, I'm not angsting or upset - just kind of going through a lot of wacky thoughts at the moment. :D

Here's hoping I meet someone soon - just so that I will shut the hell up about wanting to meet someone - or have someone fall in love with me - or any of that other blather! :D

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: A Game of Thrones
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood:Suffering from HDS - Hug Deficiency Syndrome. But still feeling perky at the same time. Ahhh the eternal paradox that is me... :D