I actually left work 5 hours early because I was simply unable to stand it anymore. I was stressed, worried, distracted and generally in a bad way. Things have been getting progressively worse since last night. After I found out about the rejection from the course, the internet went down. Then I realised that I may be facing problems paying rent next week because my bosses have slyly set things up so I don't get paid for public holidays, less hours and thus will be in deep financial poo.
Today I began to wish it would just all stop.
All of it - that being nothing would be better than going through anymore of this. I feel so weak and tired. My heart is empty and yet also like lead. I have a permanent lump in my throat like I'm about to burst into tears at any minute.
And it isn't because I didn't get into the course - this has been building up. It's the whole thing. The feeling that I made a monumental mistake and I wont be able to get out of it. I just don't know what to do anymore.
What do I want? I wanted to be a writer - but I never think I'm good enough. I get frustrated and tired easily. Most of the time I just want to lie down and go to sleep forever. It's not that I'm not cheerful - that is the real me, the cheerful guy. Because when I'm happy I forget all these worries and get to be myself again.
I miss Alex.
I hate Alex.
I know it would never have worked out. We were just not meant to be. But at least then I had something to focus on. Here... I'm lost. I sit here in my empty room thinking about how much my life hasn't turned out the way I wanted. Now I'm in tears.
I know it's not very manly - but I'm being honest about who I am and how I'm feeling. It's just becoming too much to handle and I actually don't feel like I can really find a solution. I want to call someone up - but what can anyone do? It's not their fight. Soothing words aren't going to help.
I just don't know where I belong anymore...
Don't worry, I'm not going to do anything stupid. I've already called the bank and I'm attempting to get an overdraft extension to help me through. But there is a good chance they'll say no. In which case - what am I going to do?
Then there is the issue of finding a job - I have had 0 luck finding anything yet.
And what about my future in general?
I don't want to end up in a job just because I need the money. That's why I left Auckland in the first place.
But where is there to go from here? I'm never qualified enough to do any of the jobs that interest me, I'm not a good enough writer to get any writing jobs it would seem.
What do I have that is of any value? I couldn't even be with the person I loved.
I know it will work out eventually. But that doesn't stop things from hurting right now. And they are really, really hurting.
Conan
Mood: I'm identifying with Sixth Season Buffy - that's how bad it is. I'm identifying with a fictional character from a fantasy series. :"(
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