Firstly - passwords are so annoying. More accurately, Hackers are annoying. I recently had to change the password on my gmail account because hackers got into a database that had my e-mail and contact details, along with about 6000 other people. So I diligently changed my password. Except now I can't remember it, and can only access my e-mail from my laptop. *sigh*
So hackers suck, because they think they're cool - but most of the time they're just nobs who have nothing better to do with their intelligence and skills.
Now that I've made myself a nice little target for future attacks...
I've been thinking a bit about what I wrote the other day. Love and stuff. (Seems to be a bit of a theme at the moment.) Anyway, I've been working through my own issues recently regarding what I had led myself to be the love of my life - which was obviously not the case - and it's brought me to some interesting hypotheses.
Firstly there is the case of honesty. How honest can you be - see, honesty is meant to be a way of showing trust in someone. You're letting them know what you feel and think, and you are placing trust in them to not take advantage of that. In return, they are trusting you to be consistently honest. But some people use honesty to build trust, but to keep people fromn pressing too much about other things...
What am I saying there? Well there are some things that I've been holding back. Thoughts, feelings, that kind of thing. Why? Because there is a part of me that I've kept locked away from the world, a part that I keep for people who earn my complete trust.
The problem is that I let someone in and I got seriously hurt. I was treated like that hidden part of myself was of no value. Which led me to doubt everything else too. See, I don't lie about who I am - but I don't always tell the whole story. I don't feel it's a necessity.
But worst of all, out of all this doubt and loss I learnt the most harmful sentence I know. It's a sentence that can destroy friendships, split families, and make normally nice people become heartless.
That sentence is "I love you."
Love factors largely in my life - or more accurately, the eternal pursuit of it. It means a great deal to me - as I mentioned before. But in all my time searching, I have only said those words three times. Once as crush. Once as a mistake in the throes of adequate intimacy and once when I finally realised that I truly meant it.
My obvious bachelorhood should tell you how well those have worked for me...
I realised in that final time that I was willing to look out and care for this person without expecting anything back, and I felt so warm and empowered at first. But it was never returned. So I began to obsess. It wasn't as if the temptation was removed - rather it kept coming back, kept being set up to almost be there.
Now I pay for that obsession.
And I also learnt how scary it is to say those three words ever again. We take a plunge when we choose to open ourselves up. And the words "I love you" can have a sobering honesty to them.
Many people throw them around, mistaking so many different emotions for love. I believe the term is Limerence. A physical reaction that becomes a mental addiction.
But on the other side there is a painful loneliness that explains why we chase after these things that are bad for us.
So where does that leave me?
Well I'm lonely. That's a truth. I have been for a long time. I'm comfortable with who I am, and I'm trying to be happy by myself. I want to be able to be honest, and I think I do a good job at being just that. However, I am still holding things back... not that anyone has pressed me for details - which is good. But it's also leading to that cut-off feeling.
Like I mentioned before, I have a part of myself that I really would only share with someone... intimate, I guess.
Geez- I really do waffle, don't I? :)
I guess this time, I'm waiting for someone else to offer those three words to me. For the first time in my life, I want to be the one chased and romanced.
The problem is the awkward situations that could arise from all that if the wrong people choose to pursue. Or, worse, I don't pick up when someone is interested... I'm certain I've done that before - because I always end up doubting my instincts.
Which comes back to honesty - funnily enough. If only we could be more honest with each other without fear of embarrasment, humiliation or pain.
Something to think about.
Love and Huggles
Conan
Mood: Slightly sad, mostly tired...
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