Now, on to my ramble for today...
Yesterday was my day off work, and I took a little trip down to Kilbirnie to get some supplies for lunches over the next week. While I was walking along I kept thinking about my location. See, I'm trying to figure out when Wellington is going to feel like home to me.
I guess with so many things still up in the air, I still have a disconnected feeling. In Auckland I had things binding me to the city. Alex, my friends, my job, my past... all these things kept me feeling like I was a part of the city. I felt at home. Now I've left all that behind me - well, except for my friends who I still try to keep in touch with and hopefully will get to catch up with when I go to Auckland over christmas - but I still am yet to really feel like Wellington is home.
See, I love Wellington. It's a great city and I feel comfortable here. But walking into Kilbirnie... I still felt like I could be leaping on that plane any minute and returning to Auckland.
Yet, as I write this, I realise that going back to Auckland would leave me feeling equally disconnected. So much is up in the air at the moment for me.
As I am want to do when I'm feeling like this, my mind wanders back to the key issues that caused me to move. Something I haven't told some people is that I did move because of love - or more accurately, lack of it. The pressure was building, but one final spat convinced me that I was trapped in a cycle that was detrimental to my happiness - a cycle I kept up because I was in love. I realise now that it really was my love for someone that caused me to leave my old life behind.
In Auckland I was a huggy, cheerful and caring person. But it was kind of covering a sad emptiness. A desperate frustration that the one I had true unselfish feelings for wasn't returning the affection. Which led to an increase in selfish desire - until I lost the unselfish nature of my feelings.
In Wellington, that sadness is closer to the surface, but now I'm becoming my cheerful caring self again. Slowly. I need to face that darker part of who I am to become that brighter happier person I want to be.
Is that making any sense? :)
I'm not saying I've been lying to myself and everyone - I am a huggy, cheerful and caring person. But there is another part of who I am - and I think we're all like this - that I'm trying to come to terms with, I guess. :)
Heh, the things I think of when I'm walking in sunshine.
But it was also brought on when I walked past a cricket game in the park. There were all these kids - I think they were about 15-16 years old, maybe a bit younger. It got me to thinking about youth and how I would behave if I was 15 again but knowing what I now know about myself. What would I have done differently?
I'm sure everyone thinks like that from time to time.
Would I have not worried so much about finding true love? Would I have had a few casual flings?
I don't know. When I was a teenager, I wasn't interested in sex. Seriously. Even now it isn't really a big deal to me. But love. Ahhh, love is something else. Love, to me, is finding home. Like the old saying goes, home is where the heart is. That's love. It's about being accepted for your foibles, having someone see the good in you, getting that balance that makes it all seem right. It's about having trials and problems, but having the strength to see them through.
Yeesh - I'm turning into Deepak Chopra. :D
I often write about love because it is something that I feel eludes me. I have the love of friends, and of family. But maybe I do believe that there is something that is different to that. Something that is like friendship, like family but also like home.
Love is finding home.
So maybe I wont feel truly at home until I fall in love again. And to do that, I need to let my heart move down to Wellington too. Because right now... my heart is still living in Auckland. Too scared to pack its bags and let go of a lost cause. Or maybe, it's somewhere in between - trying to find its way here, but worried that it is not going to find a place in Wellington.
I moved down here to get away from a self-destructive situation. But sometimes I catch myself thinking that I didn't really move down at all.
Whoa, pretty heavy thoughts.
Deep down, I want to stay here. I don't want to move back. Back in Auckland is just the same mistakes I made before. Wellington has opportunities for me to get my life back on track. I'm not doing a fantastic job at the moment, sure, but it will happen. I have good friends down here, and I know the support is there. :) As for love? Fate works in mysterious ways, and when love is ready to show... it will.
Did anything I just write make sense?
Love and Huggles
Conan
Currently Reading: Fireborn Players Guide
Mood: Melancholy and a little distracted
Because some games are just too cool to not promote. :D
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