Every man and his dog

Wow. So my site has been active since Saturday, and there have been near to 1000 unique sessions. That means a reasonably large number of people are checking out the site. :D Woot!

I'm certain that if I'd put up credit card facilities there would be more actual sales - but I'm simply not financially set up to do it yet. Credit cards are ludicrously expensive - and what many people don't realise is that companies that accept credit cards are gambling on large numbers of sales to cover the sizeable profit loss. It costs the average retailer 5-6% of their profit margin for each sale! When you're profit margins are already pretty low, that's a sizeable amount to lose out on.

And that isn't even counting the monthly account fees or the set-up fee. Then there is the security certificate fee - which also takes a cut of each credit card sale.

Yet another thing I've noticed is the number of web design experts out there who can't agree on anything. I have receieved a number of critiques of my website from these guys often contradicting each other. Some of the comments have actually helped me solidify what I want from the site and what I don't. Oddly the best suggestions came from average people who simply surf the net alot. Most of the useless to unhelpful comments came from guys trying to get me to hire them to do the site.

What these people don't seem to click on to is that my current developer/coder is hosting and designing the site for free in his spare time out of the goodness of his heart! So until one of those "experts" is willing to provide better for free, they can just shut the hell up, really.

Right now I need positive feedback - like the people who said that they would like to see commentary options on products. Or that they would like to have non-java options.

(Something that infuriates me is how some people think they can berate me for wanting a Java menu. Many shopping sites use it without problems. I have no issue with being asked for non-java. But saying to me that it is bad or that my developer is obviously a first-time webdesigner (especially when he not only does it for a career, but is paid very well for it) is plain insulting. Remember what they say about the word assume...)

So needless to say, I'm both excited and upset at the same time. Yes, the site isn't perfect. But given that it is a volunteer job that has to be done outside of working hours, I think it is pretty fricken awesome. :)

I still worry that I'm not going to get enough sales - I only have one order at the moment. Considering the sizeable order that will be coming in, and I was banking on people actually buying stock, it is a bit worrying. But it is early days yet, and there is still a good chance that things will get sorted out.

Now that my printer guy is back in action, I'm hoping that the PDF printing service will help generate enough capital to help reach that target $3000 in sales for the month. I'm realising it would have made my life a lot easier if I HAD bought an accounting program when I started up - but things aren't so bad that I can't get onto that once the business is underway.

In other news, I'm still thinking about relationships. It has been a bit difficult recently, I keep worrying that I'm too intense. I also worry that some of this is bleeding over into my friendships. I sometimes think I freak people out with my affection.

Silly, I know, but it does concern me. I don't want to have friends feeling uncomfortable around me. Yeah, I think a lot about this kind of crazy stuff.

See, that is part of the reason I'd like to go to the gym - it's a chance to socialise with people. I keep remembering how I met this guy Rob up at the gym in Auckland. We really we hitting it off - then I ended up deciding to move down here.

Of course nothing had convinced me that Rob was interested in anything other than friendship - hence he wasn't really reason enough to keep me up in Auckland.

Wow- this has turned into quite a long post. :D

So here is the big question of the day. Is there anyone that Conan is interested in down here?

Hmmmmm. In all honesty, there are some people that have a lot of the traits I find attractive. But no. Due to the lack of eligible and available prospects - there isn't really anyone out there at the moment. Not in my immediate social circles.

Shame really.

Anyway - hope you all have a good day! :D I'm determined to make the best of mine. ;)

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: The Reality Dysfunction
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood: Feeling pretty good, and optimistic

It's here!

So it's official! I have started the Evin Shir Games website. I've spent the weekend working on improving the layout of the catalogue, and hopefully I will get a number of sales before the end of the week. It is going to become exciting to see if this idea actually pays off. :D

Check it out!

In other news, hung out again with Emile and watched some Last Exile and Samurai 7. I finished watching Ghost in the Shell: Stand-alone Complex. It was AWESOME! Definitely ranking as one of the best anime I have seen in a long time.

Panda_pitt is currently here creating his character for tomorrow's Exalted game. It's kind of funny sitting here listening to him talking to himself about his plans for his character. :D

So what else is there for me to update on. I was initially going to continue on my Harmony range of thoughts - but the general impression I sense is that most people didn't really know what to make of it all. :) Maybe I'll tackle it again later.

Right now I'm kind of in an odd state of mind. Much of what I've been talking about the last couple of weeks remains relevant. I'm still in a relationships state of mind. Or more accurately I'm kind of wanting someone to take on dates and do nice things for. At the moment I've been helping out friends - and that's all nice - but I'm really still in that point where I feel the need for someone to be closer to me.

I'm trying to figure out what I can do for myself to help get a little more confident. I have a bit of a body-image issue at the moment. But I can't make myself workout at home. I kind of need to join a gym again - but I don't earn enough where I'm at.

Hmmmm.

I guess I need to keep hoping that I either find a job or ESG becomes busy enough to pay my wages. :)

We'll have to wait and see which it turns out to be. :D

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: The Reality Dysfunction
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood: Introspective, but feeling good. :)

Harmony and Death

I've been reading The Reality Dysfunction recently, and noticed how full of violence and nastiness it is. Particularly relating to one character. I've also noticed the number of religious references and subtexts in the book - Edenists, Adamists, God's Brother - the book is rife with them. Now I realise this can be interpreted in many ways, and sometimes it bugs me a little - but it has also got me thinking about a few things.

See, one of the guiding drives in my mind is the problem with modern society. I keep trying to think about how you would go about improving the world. A lot of people keep wishing for world peace and happiness, all that fluffiness. We often desire a better world than the one we live in - but I have come to realise that while there is this noble ideal, not many people have a particularly clear vision in their heads of what this ideal world would really look like.

For me it is a problem that takes a fair bit of my subconscious processing capacity. Yes. Really. There is a "part" of my unconscious that I essentially tasked with working out a solution at about the age of six or seven. When most other kids were trying to figure out tying shoelaces, I was already in the process of seeking a better future. Obviously back then it was a lot more childish - essentially driven by the conflicts between my parents, dead goldfish and the usual kind of oddities of youth.

I remember distinctly being taught religion and then spending much of my youth berating God and the Devil for doing such a sloppy job of the world. I'm not kidding. When I was ten I used to get quite cross when I thought about children starving and how many of the people I knew personally who were unhappy. So I started trying to think about what the perfect world could be like.

Every so often I check in on my subconscious to see how it is developing - at least once a day - to see what progress has been made. Obviously, not a heck of a lot.

When I was younger I created a fantasy world in my mind called Lagunia. (Isn't it funny how kids always seem to name their fantasy kingdoms with the suffix -ia...) Anyway, Lagunia was a mixture of Narnia, Buck Rogers, Flash Gordon, Middle Earth and quasi-greek mythology. (My father was big on reading me ancient greek myths when I was child. He had a passion for fantasy. The bible was probably the least read book in our house, even though my mother was a practicising catholic.)

In Lagunia, people all just seemed to have gotten with the program and for the most part lived happily together in a kind of sci-fantasy world. (That apparently could move its entire solar system around the galaxy. I was a kid, okay?)

Most of Lagunia's conflicts involved natural disasters. Like the time a spaceport ended up catching fire, blazing Inferno style, and rescue teams had to step in to save the day. However there was a religious sector as well - until, for some reason, religion was eschewed for science (I think. I remember that in this fantasy world all the idols of the gods of Lagunia were thrown on a rubbish pile, because the gods hadn't shown up for decades. Then the creator of Lagunia returned to gently remind the people that there was more to the universe.)

But there was one main threat to Lagunia. A corrupt race that travelled in spaceships (I think inspired by the Cylons from BSG...) who were sent by the darkness in the universe to corrupt and dominate all things.

Even in my imaginary Eden, a serpent crawled.

So what am I getting at?

Well, it seems to me that Lagunia did teach me one thing - for a world to be perfect, humanity needs to be in harmony both with themselves and the world around them. Not necessarily a perfect harmony, but a mature one. In Lagunia I had seen the world as much more accepting of difference.

I think one of the biggest issues that faces the world - particularly multicultralism - is that we don't actually accept difference. Cultures are used to create difference not out of harmony, but out of a desire to be distinguished from everyone else. To stand apart. We use culture and ethnicity as a sheild to protect us from getting to close to each other. In Lagunia it was already accepted that we were all different, but that we also were a part of something greater.

Now Lagunia was a childish dream - it lacked the nuance of reality. But to a young boy whose world wasn't matching up to the way people said it should, it seemed more real than his own life, in some ways. Nowadays, I can look back and admire the complexity and maturity hidden with that world. The underlying message it was sending.

Every culture has something to offer humanity as a whole. That is the first step to harmony. Knowing that everything has something to show the other cultures. Most cultures are trying to learn this truism. They are open enough to learn what can be gained from accumulated knowledge.

Pride in your heritage should not equal a refusal to change your cultural views.

Yet there are still problems. How do you show that individuality will not be lost if we become Humans first and our cultural identities second? What about religion? Religious culture is in some ways worse than ethnic culture. Cultures based on nationality can be negotiated with - but religion doesn't look just at one nation, it tries to describe the entire universe and its meaning. As much as it would be easy to say "religion should be abandoned" - it simply isn't that easy. Nor is religion something that can be treated as a speedbump to harmony.

So as you can see, I think a lot about these things. I haven't even scratched the surface of the daily debate that rages in the far recesses of my subconscious mind. Fear not everyone, I'm not some psycho who is going to flip-out one day. Everyone compartimentalises parts of their thinking into their subconscious. Most of us just don't realise it. It has been through years of self development and study of various meditative philosophies that has allowed me to be aware of this process. I am simply conscious of my self and how it is operating at any given moment. Not a perfect taoist or self-actualised understanding, but enough to be able to say with no arrogance that I do know my feelings, thoughts and why they are there. But I digress...

Tonight I started to think about what happens after life. See, I'm thinking that this idealised and harmonised future world is a difficult one to achieve. It also seems that it could even possibly be impossible.

So today's thought process led to thinking about death and what comes after. What if this life, this existence is meant to be the way it is so that in the next life we actually value harmony. It seems a reasonable assertion, when you think about it in those terms. If there is an afterlife, I used to wonder how inefficient this world seemed to be. But if it is a learning ground, a place to truly learn the value of a harmonious life - then the buddhists and taoists are on to something. Religion in general, though maybe not wholly accurate about the true mechanism, is in the right. Regardless of the path you take, you can still gain enlightenment - so to speak.

But then, I wonder, it still seems wasteful. To think that our existence now is just some Star Trek holodeck process to prepare us for the real world seems kind of a wanky way of doing things. Why not just learn in the real world?

But then, why die?

This seems to eventually lead back to the argument that we should be trying to harmonise in this lifetime anyway. After all, what if there is no afterlife? What if our inner spark does reincarnate? Do you want to be reincarnating into a shitty existence forever?

Which brings me to another interesting little debate I dealt with in my early teens - reincarnation. When I first learnt of it, I was strongly opposed to the idea. My sporadic bible school lessons (and one devout Irish Catholic grandmother) had ingrained the idea of an afterlife into my subconscious. But the more I thought about it, the more rational and efficient the process seems.

Remarkably, I find the idea of there being no existence beyond death as a remarkably inefficient waste of energy and remarkably silly. We have consciousness for a reason. The idea to think abstractly seems more like a form of development training. Which would imply that the more creative we get, the more we think, the stronger our internal spark would get. Like exercise. It's all a bit reaching, I know, but it seems to strike something with my intuition - which I have learned to trust on many an occassion.

I know, I know, this is an odd rambling here. What am I getting at? What is the point of all this thought?

Well I know why I'm doing it. Let's just leave it at that. OOooooh I'm getting so Gandalf the Grey here. :D

I'm not claiming to have some inside track on the way the universe works. I'm simply sharing some of the thought exercises I have been doing regarding existence. My personal belief? Well, my subconscious came to much the same conclusion as Nietzsche regarding much of the universe - I have no way of knowing factually the truth of the metaphysical. Not at this juncture anyway. I have decided to leave some of that line of inquiry open until more information is available. For some of it, I have allowed myself faith in the universe. It has guided me well thus far. Despite the bad things that happen, I have been cushioned from the worst by a combination of my own efforts, those of friends and family, and a heck of a lot of unusual coincidence.

So for me, it is indisputable that there is some pattern to everything. Maybe that is the true secret. That we should focus on understanding the pattern. If we could see how the universe is being laid out, we can then change it. I have a very taoist viewpoint in that respect, most of my life is about focusing on what is happening right now. I'm no expert, though. :)

Anyway, if you have made it this far I'm impressed. Some people have mentioned that when they see my long posts they think I'm ranting and just ignore it. Trust me, this isn't a rant - it is a stream of consciousness. I have laid open some very personal thoughts here today. Some that I am often a bit shy to share. So I thank any of you who have read this far and feel that you can understand some of what I'm saying. I don't expect you to agree with me. I don't expect you to fully understand what I am saying. I have left a lot of gaps where things I have been thinking have been left out. That's because it is hard to articulate them, due to the feelings involved. :)

I hope I haven't bored you silly. And I hope this sparks some decent discussion. :)

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: The Reality Dysfunction
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood:Being thoughtful and philosophical - if somewhat obtuse and confusing in parts.

Review Time: Snakes on a Plane

When I first suggested to Emile that we should go check out Snakes on a Plane he looked at me as if I was crazy. Well, okay, Emile often looks at me as if I'm crazy. But in this case even more so. He hadn't heard of the crazy internet fuelled history (and some would say hysteria) behind this movie. I took it upon myself to bring him up to date about the movie.

The result of this was Emile spending Sunday at work saying to me "Motherfucking Snakes on a Motherfucking Plane."

So last night was the night. We girded ourselves with Garlic Naan bread (and I drank waaaay too much Pepsi, so that I was squirming in the seat by the end of the movie... but the less said about that, the better. Needless to say I almost did irrepairable damage to my bladder and liver to stay until the end of the movie...)

I think the best way of describe Snakes on a Plane is to say Motherfucking Hilarious.

This is possibly the best parody and tribute of exploitation cinema ever. It is played straight-faced, while playing on your expectations all the way through. Don't get me wrong - this isn't cinematic genius by any stretch. Rather, if you are an afficianado of exploitation films from the 70s and really enjoyed their trashy silliness - Snakes on a Plane is just a perfect piss-take.

It uses all the elements of these films - the stereotyped passengers (to the point that I whispered to Emile "where's the hispanic character?" to then have a passenger barely seconds later on the screen turn and talk to someone in her thick hispanic accent.) Yet the film also tricks you into thinking that one group of people are going to die and then have someone else kick it.

I laughed my ass off throughout this film - it was just fantastic stuff. All because the cast clearly knew that it was a trashy movie and they put in excellent performances. Understated enough to not become pantomime while over the top enough to be funny. Samuel L. Jackson just has a blast being Samuel L. Jackson (and, after all, that is why people wanted him in the film. This guy knows how to deliver what the audience wants. People were applauding in the cinema!)

All I can say is - two thumbs up. Fucking excellent! :D

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: The Reality Dysfunction
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood: Still buzzing over the film. So much fun!

Dirty Limerice, Sex and Love

"There was a young boy from Nantucket..."

So I've been thinking about love again. Yeah, yeah, that's like saying I woke up this morning - okay, Conan is obessessed with the idea of love, let's move on. :D

Basically I was thinking about it the other day and remembered reading in the newspaper once about "limerence." Now I'm not an expert on this little pseudo-psychological term, so I did a little investigating:

(The concept of limerence stems from the research of Dorothy Tennov...)

A review of Tennov's book

So essentially, the theory goes that limerence is an intense emotional feeling for someone, but it kind of doesn't matter who the limerant object is - and the emotional feeling moves from person to person.

I have kind of wondered if my feelings for some people was a case of limerence. However I'm not sure I buy into the theory enough. The impression I get is that limerence is very hard to distinguish from love, and it seems that the core requirement involves reciprocation. Because Tennov argues that if the limerant object reciprocates, then the limerence feeling will likely "transform" into love.

So why is it different from simply having unrequited love?

The impression I get is that limerence is temporary. It fades with time for one person and shifts on to a new person.

Which I think we all have experienced at some point or another. (I remember a friend, Phil, who I felt that for. Of course the more I got to know Phil, the more I totally got over that feeling. :D)

But then I remember how there are three particular cases where the people involved could show up tomorrow and I would still feel the same for them as I did when I first realised I was in love. Yep, I have fallen in love three times in my life. I know it is love because even now I feel love for them. Of course I still wouldn't want to be in relationships with some of them now...

Firstly, one of these guys is my Archnemesis - who I haven't seen in about six years or so now. But I do think about him from time to time.

The second guy, Steve, I still keep in touch with from time to time. But I know now that we really would struggle in a relationship. We're just not compatible enough - we have a lot in common, but I think where we don't share interests is where there would be issues. I still think about it from time to time though. Steve is a really sweet guy.

Finally, there is Alex. No need to go into that can of worms again. :) Needless to say, if we really could work together, it would have likely happened by now.

So here I am thinking about love and limerence. Why?

Because I'm me. While most people have spent their lives thinking about careers and money, I've always felt that love is the most important thing. I want to find someone who loves me. Or who wants to at least be open to the possibility that we could fall in love. I enjoy feeling wanted, and I love to help people when I can.

The problem is that currently the list of prospective partners is woefully short.

Now for the bit that will squick some people out - Conan talks about sex. :D

See, this has been the other thing that has been bugging me recently.

Sex is always a confusing issue for me. Namely because it is kind of not the done things to talk about it openly, and yet I often feel that it should be able to be talked about a bit more. After all, it is only sex. Yet I have to admit that I always feel kind of embarrassed talking about it.

Worst of all because I have found myself wondering if I really would be willing to have sex with someone I had been dating. See, I like kissing and hugging (although the last time I had any kind of a snog was so long ago they hadn't even had an election in NZ yet...) but sex is kind of, well, that's the problem.

See I think about it, and certainly don't hate it. Hell, I'll just say I'm not bad at it or anything. But...

I really want to be kissing more. Honestly, I have been obessessing about kissing a lot recently. It's what I miss most of all.

Not to mention that the only people I have kissed I have not really had strong feeling for - just an attraction that was borne from loneliness.

Hmmm... that kind of makes me sound slutty. Time to point out that I tend to have this two-year cycle. I rarely hook up with people. I can count the number of people on one hand, folks.

So for those of you still hanging around... the upshot of all this thinking is that I am feeling the need for companionship. Not sexual, but emotional. I want someone who is interesting and shares some interests - but also has something about them that is unique and we can share.

Someone who can share jokes with me, someone who can hang out with Henley and I without feeling a little left out of the loop, someone who I can share some of my more introspective thoughts that I don't put on this blog...

Yeah yeah, I want a Hollywood romance movie out of my life. Sue me. :D

It's just been on my mind a lot recently. I have no illusions that it will be easy. Relationships never are. There are very few guarantees in this world.

But love is something so vital to the human condition, yet we often neglect it most. To the point that some of us look for ways to deny its existence rather than face that feeling we have.

I've yet to be loved in return. Heck, I'm yet to have a real relationship. I think it's well past the time I was with someone. Yeah, I know I make it difficult by only wanting to date someone I genuinely want to date rather than just anyone. :)

I'm not depressed... just... melancholy maybe? :)

I'm definitely not going to be taking the position of being a loner for the rest of my life.

Um...

I'm not really sure what else I want to say now. :) This line of thought has really just streamed out. I think it's time for me to go to work. :D

Love and Huggles

Conan

P.s. I'll try to not be so emo next post. :D BTW check out Hope is Emo, it's pretty funny. :D

Currently Reading: The Reality Dysfunction
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood: Feeling pretty good at the moment

Review Time: Immortal and Casshern

Wow. What can I say. Being a wet and dull evening lined up for me, I decided to trade some old DVDs in for a new movie to watch - while I was at Real Groovy, I saw Immortal on the shelf and remembered looking at the poster online and being very intrigued by it.

The basic story goes like this. The year is 2095. A corporation named Eugenics has taken over the world through manipulation of the world's governments. New York, in particular, seems to be suffering a number of problems. Not only is there an issue with aliens moving to Earth and mutants abound, the city is now dealing with an incident called the Intrusion - basically a space-time anomaly that has ripped open Central Park.

But that's not all folks. A pyramid has appeared over the city, raising the already tense levels of conflict in the city.

See, the egyptians were right - their gods are the true gods of the universe, it appears. And now Horus (for some reason not really explained) has seven days before he loses his immortality. Yeah, yeah, nobody stopped to ask "if you stop being immortal, doesn't that mean you never were immortal?" Look, just go with it.

So Horus has some master plan to ensure he doesn't actually kick the deitic bucket when his time runs out. It involves a girl, a man in cryostasis and a sleazy hotel room. No. I'm not making this up. Really.

Okay, so while Horus gets his shit together - involving a sideline career as a serial killer because all these genetically altered humans are unsuitable to contain his divine essence - a mysterious pale woman with blue hair, amnesia and the ability to blast energy bolts from her hands is scooped up by Eugenics.

See, it ends up that Eugenics has set up the world so that the genetically enhanced (who all look like CG rejects from Hellraiser for the most part) live at the top of the food chain and normal humans live in slums. Now to genetically enhance people, Eugenics needs fresh... parts. Guess where they get them from. Anyhoop, this girl is saved by a lesbian doctor who doesn't actually have sex or even likes to watch. As far as I can tell she gets off by reading medical readouts of the women she treats or something. Go figure. It simply isn't explained.

MEANWHILE, a detective is investigating a series of grusome murders where genetically enhanced people have spontaneously exploded. Oh, and the Senator of New York is dealing with something - I think it is covering up his connection with Eugenics, making contact with the Pyramid spaceship and feeding flying tentacled hammer-head shark aliens. Um. Yeah.

MEANWHILE, a bunch of cryochambers on an orbital station fall on New York and land on one of the bridges. Horus saves this guy, Nikopol, who was in one of the tubes. Unfortunately Nikopol loses his leg in the process - but Horus makes him a new one out of a steel pylon.

*sigh*

Then we find out that Horus great plan (which he states is beyond human comprehension and understanding) is to shag the blue chick from another continuum/reality so that he can have a kid who will be his reincarnation. Yeah. Because if there is one thing that we humans just don't get, it's sex.

Somehow all this is going to be resolved in a 105 minute movie.

Immortal utilises a fully digital set - like Sky Captain and Casshern. Basically the world is fully CG, with the actors standing infront of a green screen. Unfortunately for some inexplicable reason there are only three actors in the movie. Everyone else is CG. And we're not talking good CG, here. We're talking early 1990s Playstation cutscenes CG people. Which look odd against the gorgeous city and vehicles. Horus and the other egyptian gods are also CG, and look kinda okay for the most part.

BUT WHAT THE HELL WAS WITH ALL THE OTHER PEOPLE? I watched the credits. They hired individual actors to do the voices of all the other characters. Voice actors aren't that much cheaper to hire, and they would have needed actors to do the motion capture. So why have CG people at all? Why not get real actors? GAH!

The movie is based on a series of Belgian comics called the Nikopol trilogy - which, from a little google research - look like they were actually quite cool. So what the hell happened? Immortal is, to put it bluntly, stupid. It has a crap plot, a REALLY dumb execution and the only thing worth commenting on is the gorgeous scenery. The idea of gods coming to a futuristic society and showing that there is more to the universe than science is a cool idea. Shame it got lost in the bizarre mix of ideas and plots and FRICKING LOW-GRADE CG PEOPLE!

I may keep this DVD around for a while longer to see if there can be any humour factor regained from it.

On to Casshern. Ahhh. Well to be honest I haven't actually watched all of it yet. Why? Because this DVD is possibly... no... it is the worst DVD transfer ever. It looks worse than a bootleg copy filmed in the middle of the theatre. The quality of the visuals is simply shocking. I stopped it after one minute of over saturated poorly visible and hideously choppy recording.

The fact that the subtitles aren't an option, they are filmed onto the actual video - because it was clearly transfered from analogue onto a digital copy. This means that the DVD has a shocking degredation of quality. So bad that it is difficult to make out details and the beauty of the movie is lost to poor quality.

So I remain uncertain as to how cool Casshern is. Maybe I will be able to force myself to watch this shit copy, but I am boycotting anything by Rialto Home Entertainment again until they can produce a decent quality DVD. Very disappointed.

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: The Reality Dysfunction
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood: Protecting you all from crap DVDs!

I have culture!

Review Time: Gilgamesh

Right, on to another anime I've been slowly collecting - Gilgamesh.

Now this series is weird. Firstly, I was drawn to the cover art on the dvd box. The picture I added is from the first DVD. It is beautifully evocative and has something nice about the design and layout. The original description put me in mind of a dark anime version of Xmen - boy was I wrong!

Taking its cue from such classics as Akira and Neon Genesis Evangelion, Gilgamesh is set in a post-apocalyptic world. At some point in the near future there will be a war in the middle east where the ruins of the city of Uruk will be revealed. Scientists discover that there is something odd about the ruins and unite in the biggest collaboration in human history - this unified archeological project is named Heaven's Gate.

Something freaks the heads out and eventually the project is closed. On the day that it is meant to shut down, a scientist turns terrorist and sets something off from the central chamber of the dig - Gilgamesh's tomb. This sets off a strange event known as Twin X (named because the date of the event is the tenth of October.) The result of this catastrophic event is that the sky is covered in a strange aurora borealis type event that mirrors the ground below it. This mirror is named the Sheltering Sky.

The series then picks up about fourteen years later, after war and famine have wrought hideous changes on the world and society has only just begun to restore itself. A side effect of the sheltering sky is that computers no longer work and planes can't fly long distances anymore.

Tatsuya and his sister Kiyoko are running from debt-collectors when they cross paths with these mysterious androgynous-looking men who offer them protection. The men are known as Gilgamesh. They are fighting a faction called Orga, who have psychic children on their side to combat Gilgamesh and their mysterious leader Enkidu.

From that set up, the series proves to be one of the best mystery thrillers since Rah Xephon. The twists and turns in the series are clever and manage to start with playing on the cliches of anime. Where the series initially sets up what seems to be a kind of Akira meets Evangelion clone, it deliberately uses this to lull the audience into a false confidence of how the series is going to develop. But if I was to really compare Gilgamesh to a show, it would Boogiepop Phantom. Much like Boogiepop, Gilgamesh utilises a lower range of colours to give everything a washed out and gothic appearance. All the colours are drab, meaning that bright colours really stand out when they are used.

The series also follows the kind of twisty manner that BPP did, leaving a lot of the mystery shown rather than outright said. This series rewards the astute viewer through how the characters react rather than what is said. Initially I thought that the character designs and animation were pretty cheap and crappy - but as the series progresses I've come to realise that it is all part of the "feel" of the show. It somehow ends up (possibly unintentionally) adding to the experience.

All in all, I have been really impressed with the way this show has developed - and the english dub has truly excellent voice acting. Again, I thought it was wooden at first, but as the series progressed it has become apparent how nuanced the performances are. These are broken people, and many of them have gained a tragic apathy due to the world around them. As the series progresses I have become aware of how well the actors carry the weight of the show with their performance. There have been a number of scenes where there is no music, scant sound and all the power of the scene has relied on the voice actors to make you believe the characters are really there experiencing things in front of you.

In a way it is also like Argentosoma, in that respect.

Two thumbs up. Gligamesh is dark, gothic and very odd. I love it! :D

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: The Reality Dysfunction
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood:Still under stress, but coping with the help of anime...

Hanging around

So the stress factor came back with a vengence when K decided to throw her considerably weight around the store again yesterday. It was a bit frustrating, but luckily I had taken some St John's Wort to keep me calm and balanced.

I went into work briefly today to deliver a bag of cookies to the staff to help them relax a little. Chatted with Emile, which is always good, and then headed home. I'm still wound up and currently looking for a new job - but I'm hoping that some sort of resolution can be reached with the owners. It is interesting to note how much the pressure keeps ramping up at work.

In other news, I'm kind of without anything to do tonight. I'm not really in the mood to hang out at Games Club. I just don't feel up to it at the moment and I'm going to have to wait until I have a working website for the punters to check out. :)

Anyhoop - I haven't really got much to report. I'm feeling all warm and bubbly at the moment, so that's a good sign. Or I'm melting. I'll get back to you all later about it once I have ascertained which of the two it is. ;)

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: The Reality Dysfunction
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood: Thinking warm and fuzzy thoughts...

Review Time: Ghost in the Shell - Stand Alone Complex

In a bit of a break from my ranting, I thought I'd chat a little about the latest show I've been watching. :)

Ghost in the Shell - Stand Alone Complex is a reimagining of the highly acclaimed movie of the early ninties. Taking its cues from the original Manga, the series is a clever mix of one-off stories and an interlinking series of "complex" episodes.

The general set up is Japan in the year 2030. Cybertechnology has reached some pretty impressive levels of sophistication, allowing for a large number of people in the world to be cybernetically enhanced in some way or another. Most people have a "cyberbrain" installed, which basically allows them to be linked into a variety of wireless networks and peripherals.

Most interestingly is the development of Artificial Intelligence. The series often explores the the implications of having AI technology so advanced that it is indistinguishable from real-life. Yet the series shows that humanity has identified a thing called a "Ghost" which is the sentience of a human being. Your ghost is something that AI can't mimic, yet it can be transfered from one body to another. The concept is quite fascinating, especially when characters identify that a "ghost" can't be copied - or when it is, it degrades. However it can be transfered to a cyberbrain - allowing some people to live longer in robotic bodies.

Visually, GiTS-SAC is freaking gorgeous. Possibly the sexiest of the standard animes I have - Gankutsuou (Count of Monte Cristo) remains the most lushly animated show. GiTS-SAC has an impressive degree of detailing put into the backgrounds, characters and simple tricks like the lighting. The CG work is damn impressive. From the beautiful opening episode, up to the latest show I've seen where one of the Tachikoma battletanks goes on a trip to help a girl find her dog - it's all very clever and beautiful to watch.

Most impressive is the blending of GiTS philosophical themes about what humanity is and how "unique" are we with a high action show. Very few episodes have a slow down in pace - most of them involve a great mix of action and thematic discussion.

This is a definitely 5/5 show to date. I'm hoping it keeps up the momentum. :)

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: The Reality Dysfunction
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood:Feeling tired, stressed, but a better than before

What to do...

Mum, in her infinite wisdom, arranged for someone to call me and have a chat with me about what's been happening and help me plan some strategies. The problem was I was told that this would happen between 6-7pm last night.

Panda_Pitt, who was hanging out with me at the time can attest that the only call I got was around 8:10 when Mum rang to tell me that her friend had called and gotten my answerphone. Weird. So she got all pouty when I pointed out that I was going to Stephanie's flatwarming, because I hadn't received a call in the time period agreed upon. *sigh*

Which was not really a good idea... because it ended up ADDING to my stress - not helping clear it up, which had been the point of the exercise. So now I am even more stressed, Mum is acting as if I don't want her help and I'm really finding this whole situation basically getting worse.

I have had increasing anxiety dreams, and I'm frustrated because I need to make a decision and my emotional state is not really conducive to making rational decisions. On top of all that, I'm stressing about the fact that despite plenty of notice, work is telling me that I can't have the weekend off for Megaroleplaying - which was part of the build-up to this current juncture. Their reason, I'm a duty manager. Which is a handy excuse for them - seeing as my contract doesn't list me as a manager and I'm not actually paid duty manager wages.

Basically, I'm duty manager when it suits and when they don't want to make any decisions or committments. >:(

It's not quite as bad as when I was at M, but it is getting there very quickly. Everybody at work is on edge and I'm finding it really hard to just not care.

Believe it or not, there are other things happening as well that I'm not talking about - needless to say that this isn't just about work. The thing is, I always feel that work should be a place to get away from personal pressures - something that isn't necessarily fun, but is able to be kept a little seperate. The problem is that there is so much negative energy and pressure at work, it's not helping, and carrying that much pressure is simply not healthy. So something has to give NOW. I'm getting physical manifestations of my stress now, which means something has to be done soon before I have something really bad happen.

Worst of all, each day I find I wind myself up more...

I wonder if this is going to lead to some sort of nervous breakdown. *sigh*

I'll see how things go today. I'm going to try and skip the staff meeting tonight - I can't really face being there at the moment.

Conan

Currently Reading: The Reality Dysfunction
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood: Still under a lot of stress

Stay of execution

Well I spoke to Mum, and we had a discussion about my plans. She was against my quitting. I'm still not convinced that I should be staying in that place, what with the atmosphere there at the moment. So I'm waiting until Thursday. I'm going to be talking to a number of people over the next couple of days just to get an idea of what they think I should do.

I'm taking St John's Wort for the stress - which is helping keep me focused. Now I need to just focus on getting things set up on the ESG website and I will eventually be fine.

Still wishing that someone was here to just help me deal with all this pressure... *sigh* But things take time. I need to be patient and remind myself - it all works out in the long term.


Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: The Reality Dysfunction
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood: Tired, but getting better...

A Day Off

I made the decision to take a stress day off to sort things out. I've looked over what I need to do to help get my business profitable - it is going to take about a year before ESG turns a profit. That's okay, at least I can now see that it is possible. :)

However, I'm going to need to sort things out in the interim. One issue is that I still can't seem to get a small business grant - which is what is holding everything up. I called WINZ and got flatly told that I had to be unemployed for 26 weeks before I could get a grant. >:( Which is stupid, to put it bluntly. If I can produce a good business plan (which I have) and proof that it can potentially grow to turn a profit, then I should be able to apply for a grant. Why have all this talk about getting more small businesses up and running if you wont support the people who try.

Once again, being a 30-something who isn't lower-class ends up working against me.

So I'm going to go into WINZ later today to see if there is some other solution - I was told by someone else that they managed to get a grant without having been registered for 26 weeks... so I'm going to ask what the HELL is up.

Googling is certainly not proving to be helpful either... which is frustrating me as well. I've come to realise that I still need about $4-8k to be able to boost the business up efficiently. Not that I can't do it without that money - but I will need to start seeing some income soon.

Since CONfusion I have had absolutely no money come into the business. Just going out.

Part of the problem is that the printer I was relying on has assed around and not done anything, and the website has still not reached a point where I can advertise it to people yet.

Now if I wasn't working at TW I could have spent time focusing on those issues and got something underway. But I need to have my expenses covered in that time. *sigh*

I'm not really sure what to do. I've written my resignation for work - and I'm hunting jobs today. Hopefully that will net me something...

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Nothing really at the moment
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood: Still feeling stressed

@$@&^!*@#!!!

No I haven't got a virus - after all, I use apple - just hinting as to how frustrating work has become lately. To the point that I'm currently exploring potential exit strategies.

Today wasn't a bad day at work - it was just that all the pent up emotion and aggression I've been trying to deal with reached near critical mass today. Considering the emotional rollercoaster ride I've been on recently, coupled with the stress of work and the growing number of bad things that have been escalating in the world - I snapped.

Not explosively, but everyone at work knew that I was not happy. Then again, everyone at work is in a miserable mood. Much of this has to do with the highly unprofessional conduct of the owners. The staff are all tired, overworked, stressed and feeling pretty much abused by K and P. Unfortunately a culture of denial and fear has been cultivated at work by K and P to the point that despite their claims of being open to talking to the staff, nobody wants to talk to them for fear of being yelled at.

I'm stressing because I can't focus on my business while working, and I'm also stressing because I, personally, haven't been handling ESG's accounts very well at all and need to really be able to sit down and calmly set things up to rectify the matter. In my current state, that isn't going to be easy.

Then to compound on all that, I'm stressing about how I'm ever going to reach my primary goal of just being free for someone to meet. I know I should be obsessing about it - but I'm having a hard time doing so.

I feel so selfish and screwed up at the moment.

It's a shame, because on Friday I hung out with Emile and watched anime over at his place. I had a really good time and was feeling all bouncy and warm right through Saturday. (For those who haven't been following this blog, Emile is a) STRAIGHT and b) a friend from work. So don't go getting the wrong idea. I'd never be able to live it down. :D)

But the thing was, we did talk about work and I know that he's feeling the pressure too. What can be done?

I'm job hunting, and I'm seriously thinking of taking a stress-day off tomorrow to go find a new job. Of course that will leave TW in the lurch and put a HELL of a lot of pressure on the remaining staff, because the only other manager has her day off then. She already came into work today, and it would be unfair of me to end up having them force her to come into work. So I would get seriously yelled at and abused by K if I did choose to do that. Which is stressing me out even more.

Which leaves me wishing I had someone here to just hold and not talk about work - just lie on a couch with the heater on and snuggle. *sigh*

This is all my own making - I should be planning and not getting so emotional about all this. But it is so hard to do. I really do feel like a bit of a failure right now. I could go back to Auckland and pick up where I left off with my old boss - in fact I'd probably get a raise too. But I don't want to leave my friends down here. I LIKE my friends down here. I wouldn't want to be so far away from all of my Wellington friends. They have made me feel at home here more than I ever felt anywhere else. I don't want to lose that.

I just don't know what to do, folks. I am seriously miserable at work, and I hate it that when people ask me how I'm feeling it often sets off a five to ten minute rant about work.

I want to just be able to get some focus again. I wish I could regain some confidence in myself and feel like I can be loved. I can see how things have made my life the way it is - but I don't want to end up blaming anyone or anything for my unhappiness - I want to get on with it and work at getting back to being my usual happy self.

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Nothing at the moment
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood:Stressed and lonely

A sad day...

While I am sure that many people aren't surprised by the news, the police have confirmed that Daniel Hansman's body was found in Wellington Harbour. :(

There isn't much that I can say that wouldn't sound trite or hasn't been said by people who have more of a right to express their feelings and thoughts.

My condolences and sorrow for the Hansman family and Daniel's friends. I would appreciate it if we all took a little time out today to quietly think about how easy it was for Daniel Hansman to just vanish without anyone noticing. To learn to be more aware of our surroundings and friends.

:(

Conan

Concerns, Hope and Worry

Because as of the time of writing this post there has still been no news, I'm going to do my bit to help. Why? Because I met Daniel once at the beginning of the year and used to see him walking around Cuba and Manners Mall regularly. Because I want to do something to help. So I've added a link the the find Daniel Hansman site. I hope that if any of you learn or know of any information that might help you will contact the Wellington Police.

I find it hard to believe that someone can just go missing off Courtney Place without someone knowing something. At this point, I remain hopeful that Daniel could still turn up - and I pray that his family receive good news soon.

There is really nothing else I want to write today - tomorrow will be a return to my own self-focused thougts. Today, can people try to keep an eye and ear out for any news or clues at all.

Here's hoping for the best news.

Conan

Mood: Worried


Find Daniel Hansman - If you are reading this from Wellington, New Zealand, please check this link and contact someone if you know anything.

Dreaming...

CONfusion was fantastic! Sure, I managed to sell product at the event, but it was also a lot of fun to just hang out with other gamers just playing boardgames all day. :) I'm keen to play in some of the scenarios next time - so I'm hoping to come up with a way to do that and still keep the stall running. But that is for next year.

Now it is a case of getting this printing service sorted out - Gordon is still dragging his heels - and finally having the website active. Then I can look at advertising across the net.

So I've been having some strange dreams recently.

The first one was about Jeremy - my Archnemesis. I haven't seen Jer in years, but we had a ripsnorter of a falling out that led to us having a rather antagonistic relationship. It's funny how I thought myself mature back then, but now I realise how stupid I had been and how much I helped lead things to the explosive situation that it ended up being.

Anyway, in my dream we finally met each other again and there was a certain weariness. We were trying to heal the friendship and inadvertantly we started making out. I remember waking up feeling kind of... relieved and sad at the same time. I'm wondering what my brain is trying to tell me.

The next dream was a confused one where I was with some of the WARGS crowd, I think, and Emile showed up. I have no idea why, and I was introducing him to everyone. There was a strange atmosphere in the room and I was trying to measure what was going on. It was kind of weird because Emile was dressed in a blue hawaiian shirt.

In my dream last night things were REALLY strange. I was a time-traveller (Or someone was, it kept changing) and I was going back to some point in the late nineties. This woman who was going to help train me to go back in time was explaining that the 90s weren't as war-torn as history mentioned. I was asking if I could go see someone I knew back then (although I don't know who it was) and she started to ask if I was going to be taking a bottle of wine and started making all sorts of suggestive expressions. Then it kind of switched into a bizarre anime style thing with other people going back in time and being all nasty and weird... then my alarm woke me up.

At the moment I'm trying to make some decisions about my emotional state. More than once these last few days I've been finding myself wondering if I can allow someone to love me, and how I intend to find someone. I'm feeling more and more like the world is spinning out of control. I worry about the future and what could be done to help making things better.

As an aside - how many people have seen the missing posters around town. I'm sure I saw that guy at Vics club a couple of times prior to his going missing. I'm hoping he's just run off with some friends and hasn't contacted anyone yet. Otherwise... I'm hoping that he is okay. I'm hoping we'll all be okay. The world seems to becoming a more and more apathetic place. I don't want to live the rest of my life in a world like that. I want the hopefulness that we started this millennium off with - not the violent, fearful place it is becoming.

:(

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Pendragon 5th Edition
Currently Playing: The Grand Experiment; Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood:Worried

What does a guy have to do?

*sigh*

So I have another movie date with another straight guy this week. It's kind of getting a bit disheartening that the only people I know are virtually all straight. Or lesbians.

I've given up on the internet dating thing - after about six years I have yet to meet anyone who is interested in me at the same time I am interested in them.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not really depressed about this. Just kind of tired of it all.

I could go to a club - but they tend to be full of sleazy types, or people who are totally appearance focused, and I'm not feeling at my sexiest at the moment. I'm pretty down on gay culture. It seems kind of... well... teh lame. :D

No wonder people say "that's so gay" when they mean something is uncool. :D

But I digress. I've been spending a lot of time hanging out with Emile and panda_pitt and while I really enjoy their company, I'm kind of at that point where I would like to be dating someone now rather than just hanging out with my straight friends all the time.

Admittedly, I haven't done a lot to mingle with the "scene" here in Welly, but the few encounters I have had really haven't done anything to make me keen to keep up with it.

But there is another side to all of this...

Maybe I really have gotten to the point of no return. There was an old saying that once you hit 30, the prospects dry up. It seems so true - most of the guys my age seem only interested in twinks and young guys. Now, I have no problems with dating younger guys, but I still believe that if you are expecting someone 6-8 years younger than you to go out with you, it should follow that you ought to at least be willing to date people your own age and a bit older. Sure, nobody wants to date their dad - but I'm frustrated with the 30-35 set who seem to think that they can only have relationships with guys younger than 27.

Me? I just want to meet someone that I make a connection with, be he 18 or 38. Realistically, though, I'd prefer to meet someone a little closer to my age.

Then I wonder if I could have a serious relationship with a guy... it seems to me that those kind of relationships are very very rare. Maybe I am better off just being on my own. So many people I know seem to perceive me in that kind of a light - Conan as an entity is rarely seen by people as someone in a relationship.

I challenge those of you who know me well to try and picture the sort of person (male or female) that you could imagine me settling down with. Having any trouble there?

I know who that person would be, in my mind. They don't have a lot in the way of physical features - but I know the personality. Those are the people I get attracted to most. The people who show aspects of that personality.

Anyway - the point of this post... what is there left for me to do? I have effectively placed myself in a position where I will not meet someone. I suspect that, in a way, I have told myself that it is just too much trouble. After almost fifteen years of socialising, and having still not been in an actual relationship with anyone and having had my heart broken three times now - I am letting the world know. I give in. I get it now. I'm not meant to be with anyone. Uncle. Eventually you have to admit when you can't defeat the facts. There are some of us who just don't get to experience true love.

I'm not really depressed. I think resigned is a better word...

Conan

Currently Reading: nothing at the moment
Currently Playing: The Grand Experiment; Exalted; World of Darkness: The University Club
Mood: Resigned to his lot in life?

Review Time: Planetes

In Space No One Can Hear You Work...

Planetes has been an anime that I have toyed with buying into for a while now. The art design is attractive, and the cover showing one of the characters mid-space walk is very evocative. As is usual when I'm intrigued by an anime, I checked out animeondvd.com.



To say the reviews were glowing is probably a bit of an understatement. After watching four episodes now, I have to say that it deserves every ounce of praise. What makes Planetes so appealing is what would normally make it seem so boring - it is unlike other anime in that it is literally about people living normal lives.

It's just that these people just happen to work on a space-station in the year 2075.

Planetes tells its tale at an easy pace, taking its time showing us how everything works. While some of the technology is a bit on the advanced side the physics of the setting are pretty faithful to reality. The DVD comes with an interview with people from NASA, and a lot of the designs are pretty convincing.

The characters are all warm and likeable people who behave in a comical manner - but not too over the top. I can't help but feel that the show would have worked live-action, and the scripting really treats it as if it is a live-action dramedy. :)

What appeals to me are the little details that they think of. When characters are travelling in zero-g areas of the station, there are cut-shots showing their feet hooking into railings, or their hands/feet pushing off surfaces. This allows the animators to convince the viewer that everything you see is genuinely happening in a zero-g environment - often used to great effect when less trained characters will unexpectedly go out of control.

Very clever.

I highly recommend checking this show out - it has a certain appeal and charm that has impressed me. Loads of fun.

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Nothing
Currently Playing: The Grand Experiment; World of Darkness: The University Club
Mood: Feeling pretty bouncy!

Logic, Selfishness and Relativism

I'm currently writing this at a cybercafe, so I'm not sure if I'll get everything I want to say written out here today - but I'm going to try. :)

On Saturday I ended up having a bit of a debate with a friend about the nature of humanity - I've touched on this a couple of times here about how I feel human nature works, which I will attempt to cover at another point. But what got me most was how my friend said that he had thought about it alot and logic had led him to conclude that all humans are inherently selfish and everything they do is dictated by that selfish nature.

Now I have a couple of issues with such Randian Objectivism. Firstly, logic is not evidence. While the argument is a valid one, it makes a big assumption - you need to prove that all humans are selfish and that every single action they take is driven by selfish need.

But we know that there are altruistic people out there - how can that be explained in selfish terms. My friend argued that they do it to feel good - which is a selfish thing, apparently. Again, Ayn Rand's ideas seep forward in the form of enlightened self-interest.

The problem is that Ayn Rand was conflating the meaning of selfishness to the point of it being a meaningless word that would shift meaning to suit her needs.

I feel that the same applies here.

Because if human's act purely out of selfish need then they would do things to look out for themselves. Self-sacrifice is not an action that benefits the person. Those men and women who go to war and die without expectation of reward, Red Cross volunteers who leave their families without telling them to help protect and save victims of conflict - these people exist and are not getting any identifiable self-benefit.

Saying "they get to feel good about themselves" confuses self-confidence with selfishness. Selfishness has a very specific meaning, and muddying the waters to suit a negative world view does not make something logical - it makes an argument that is flawed suffer from shifting goals so that it can't be refuted.

However it doesn't need to be refuted - it is a valid argument, just not a sound argument. There is not enough solid evidence to base it on. Instead there is a lot of evidence that contradicts it. Furthermore it remains the height of arrogance to assume that you know the intentions behind someone else's actions - something that Logic actually can't deal with. Logic does not deal with emotions and humans can be very very illogical at times.

Relativism

Now I don't have a lot of time to talk on this subject again today. The goal is to start a little discussion on it. See the problem with relativism - and I'm talking pretty much about all relativism - is that it holds that all truths have equal weight. The problem is that this applies to contradictory truths as well. It takes a concept like the Law of Equipollence and enforces it on everything.

But wait, that is an absurd notion - and Relativists do try to argue logic to select truths. Yet this then exposes the flaw in the theory - if all truths are relative and equal how do you choose a truth? What can give one truth a weight over another? What authority forces me to accept your truth and not my own?

Relativists try to have their cake and eat it too. Relativism is much like Objectivism - it intially sounds seductively logical. Because it initially presents a valid sounding argument. Unfortunately further analysis reveals some glaring flaws in the viewpoint. Like Objectivism it doesn't hold up to critical analysis - which is why you tend to find both views being popular mostly with people who don't think about the implications.

Both Objectivism and Relativism have been taken up by people who tend to argue for inaction and take great efforts to not take responsibility for their actions.

Objectivists are classics at this - they word their case to try and sound like they take responsibility, and yet how can you really be taking responsibility if you've just argued that you have no choice but to be selfish and self-serving?

Relativists use their arguments to avoid challenging others to take responsibility for their choices by saying "well it makes sense to them, so we can't really judge them." The problem is that this means that we have no obligation to follow society's rules. My truth is no better or worse than anyone else in New Zealand.

The thing is that while the perspectives are different all cultures seek the same core things. Both Relativists and Objectivists allow themselves to be blinded by the flashy exteriors of the world - they don't actually notice the underlying drives and needs.

Take the West and the East for example. Relativists are the kind of people who will argue that the two sides are totally different. They will argue that Eastern cultures are about the collective, not the individual.

This is not entirely true. Individualist and Collectivist societies have different approaches - but they both value the individual. In Individualist societies we define ourselves and enforce that view on the people around us. But in a Collectivist society, an individual is defined by how the society reacts to that individual's actions. The Individual is still free to define him or herself - but part of their definition is formed from how people react to them.

When forming a philosophy of the world, it is sedutive to just follow the most basic theories that appeal. Yet views like Objectivism and Relativism are not simple theories - they rely on a lot of deceptive dancing to reach their conclusions.

While the solution is likely to have a simple series of arguments at the base - they must be both sound and valid. Neither Relativism nor Objectivism have been able to prove themselves sound theories.

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Nothing at the moment
Currently Playing: The Grand Experiment; World of Darkness: The University Club
Mood: Still thinking about the world in general...

The Problem with Violence...

I have been thinking a lot this week about how to express my feelings over the latest series of events on the world stage - namely the war in Lebanon, and terrorism in general. It has been a difficult prospect namely because while the problem itself is very cut and dry, the reasons behind the problem are numerous and involve several distinct issues and arguments.

One of the things I have wanted to avoid is the relativists trap. It is very much in vogue amongst intellectuals and pseudo-intellectuals to argue in favour of relativism when dealing with moral issues - and war is an moral issue as much as it is economic and political - which is frustrating when you realise that as a position, relativism is really a way of absolving oneself of any responsibility.

You may remember a while back someone tried to challenge me to be willing to give up some of my values as a form of counter argument to my spiel over people hiding behind culture. This is a common realitivist stance - that we cannot judge other cultures using our own cultural values.

Which, to a degree, is reasonable. However, the flaw lies in that we are all human - and despite cultural differences, we all actually want the same things. We just communicate it in different ways. That's the illusion of culture - it makes everything look different. But it really isn't that different.

But I'm getting sidetracked from what I really wanted to say today. Suffice to say, Collectivist and Individualist cultures have more in common than they would like to admit. Do some research, and you may be in for a surprise. I will discuss the topic more at a later date.

The Problem with Violence

The Dominion Post has been particularly lucid and interesting to read this week. A couple of days ago the Editorial made an excellent argument about how the only way that the war in Lebanon can have a satisfactory conclusion is if the International community literally steps in and calls an immediate ceasefire. This was lost in the morass of bitching about a rather biting cartoon which made a harsh jab at Israel via the Torah - not a smart move.

This was followed up by an opinion/political column on the front of the World section yesterday where a commentator pointed out that violence has rarely led to long-term improvement, and that particularly in this circumstance it will end up further dividing the Middle East rather than helping it.

A further opinion column pointed out, wisely, how Israel was forced into a situation where they had to act - that Hizbollah laid a careful trap that they walked right into.

Now hundreds of innocent Lebanese are dead because of people who think that violence leads to getting what they want.

Yet, as the column yesterday pointed out, Israel could have gone directly to the International community and received aid in striking Hizbollah in a far more efficient and likely less bloody conflict which would have not seen them being condemned by the world.

Because it is true - Israel has committed a truly immoral and heinous act. Prettying it up with "self-defence" is hard to swallow when you're dealing with the fact that most of the "enemy" killed are innocents caught in the cross-fire.

Hizbollah are equally bad for setting off these events in the first place - trying to take advantage of Israel's situation with Gaza and the Palestinians (remember that poor soldier who was captured initially and was the centre of so much diplomatic attention to save?) knowing precisely what Israel would do in response, they are just as bad for baiting a war.

This is what violence gets you.

Condolezza Rice is living in a dream world if she genuinely thinks that this conflict can end in a happy disney-like democratic Middle East. It has undone years of diplomatic effort. The irony is that America's support of Israel in this event is handing a major victory over to the terrorists they have declared war on. As was pointed out by some, handing blankets and food to the Lebanese while you are also providing the missiles to Israel so that they can continue bombing those very same people is not just clumsy, but the height of poor politics. The Bush Administration continues to clomp around in the international scene without seeming to have a clue what they are doing.

Sadly I can see why the US is unable to condemn Israel - to do so would make them seem hypocrites. After all, Israel needs only point to Afghanistan and Iraq - showing that the US set the precedent for pre-emptive defence. Of course the US invasion of Iraq was not the same as carpet bombing a country into the stone-age, but unfortunately that kind of detail will be lost.

While it is easy to stand and point fingers at various nations for their implication in recent events - I think that the best course of action lies in stopping and taking a breather.

Violent action is spurred by the moment. It is a rash action that leads to further violence. Until there is a ceasefire, there is no hope of resolution. This is a conflict that will go on for a long time - Hizbollah are clearly well ensconced from Israeli bombing, they have Iran's support - so they could keep this up for years. Israel has America behind them and will fight until either Hizbollah stops or is completely wiped out. Worst of all, Lebanon is likely to be taken out in the process before this will happen.

On the bright side, I doubt the International community would stand by and do nothing forever - something will have to give. Unfortunately it is likely to further destabilise things further, and we could soon be seeing an even greater increase in terrorist activity across the globe.

So what is needed is as the Dominion Post pointed out - immediate intervention of International forces to help ensure a ceasefire. That will require Israel to agree to back off and allow a coalition force to step in and try to prevent Hizbollah from continuing their attacks. Unfortunately this is likely to lead to further violence.

The way I see it, America and Iran need to sort their crap out - that way with Iran stepping back, Hizbollah will have to also take a step back.

Easier said than done. Remember how I pointed out at the beginning of this post that there is a lot going on. Iran and the US have a less than happy history. Both countries currently have belligerent governments. What we need is a way to give the common people the strength to reign in their governments. But that requires them to be willing to stop thinking the way they have been trained to and start thinking for themselves - and then that is with the hope that they would empathise with the people who suffer.

A lot of hope with little fact.

It is moments like these that I despair for humanity. But I also have hope. People inherently want to be happy. They have just convinced themselves that in order to do this, someone else has to suffer.

But it isn't so black and white. This is something that New Zealand's society has shown me. Sure, we aren't perfect - we have race relation issues, problems with religious factions and so on - but as a nation we still manage to work together. As a majority we care about each other and mostly accept those who are different. Sure, we hear radicals bitching about this, that and the next thing - but the everyday NZer... they don't care about that. Even in Auckland, people are still able to mostly work around their differences.

NZ has often been seen as a microcosm for the world. It is regularly used as a testing ground because for some reason we often pre-empt world trends. Not that many NZers actually realise or hear of this often.

So I am convinced that there is hope for the world. If NZers can work through it, the world should be able to.

And fuck Bob Geldof with his bullshit wanking. He is clearly in the charity business, if he really gave a crap about Africa's woes he'd go off and get a decent education about the political situation and put his money into something more useful to African nations - like aiding the UN into becoming the ruling body it was intended to be rather than the ham-strung mess it currently is.

I am proud of New Zealand as a nation. I still believe that we are a nation of good people who are able to accept people for who they are. We are not a western nation, nor an eastern one. Our "culture" is something that, when it is at its best, combines the best of the world.

As I once said in a writing competition - New Zealand, The World in One Place.

So I'm going to leave out on a positive note. There is hope for Lebanon - if the world community can stop. Take a breather and just look at the problems of the Middle East with fresh eyes and a fresh mindset.

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: World of Darkness: Mysterious Places
Currently Playing: The Grand Experiment; World of Darkness: The University Club
Mood: Let's get things moving!

Me & My Katamari

So for those who didn't already know, I traded in my old Nintendo DS and games etc for...

A PSP. Yes, counter to many people, I have abandoned Nintendo for the superior processor, superior design and just downright superior PSP.

This came after the revelation to myself that Nintendo's line-up of products was seriously limited in interest and playability. Even games like Animal Crossing and Nintendogs had short play-life before they became tiresome and chore-like in quality. Kind of misses the point of gaming.

In contrast, PSP has a superior graphical processor and some damn sexy games.

Me and My Katamari has definitely managed to win me over the most. Despite a god-awful control set-up (the Katamari is the large nubbly thing rolling up buildings there, it is a BITCH to control) it is a game that is insanely addictive. I keep being drawn back to it to play more and just try to out do my previous Katamari success.

The beauty of Me & My is that it manages to have a game that can be played in short bursts or in long sittings. Each challenge is pretty easy to complete in 5-10 minutes, but often I find myself just going back for the next challenge - because the music is great, the imagery is fun and the humour is just spot on. There is something hilarious about seeing your Katamari rolling madly down a hillside sweeping up children and parents in a zoo, while other people flee in terror from what can best be described as an oversized dog's chew toy. :)

Or hearing the yelps as dogs are rolled up onto your Katamari - their legs waggling in the air as they try to free themselves.

It's strangely hilarious.

And due to clever trading, I have barely spent more than I did on my Nintendo for it. :)

In other news...

Well there was a hiccup at the printer, which has meant that a couple of my orders are now a week late in being delivered. The printer has promised that this is a unique situation and he will be doing better in the future... but sometimes I do find myself worrying that I wont be able to keep up with everything that is going on. :)

I have some thoughts to speak about recent events in Lebanon and Israel - but I think I'll save those for a different post.

Catch Y'all later... :)

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Predators
Currently Playing: The Grand Experiment; Exalted
Mood:Feeling pretty good, really...

Updates and Shadows

Yep, it has been a while since I last posted on here. I have had a very busy and tiring week. Emotionally and spiritually I'm feeling particularly drained - with my body beginning to follow suit.

ESG is at a bit of a speed bump at the moment, and I'm hoping to get over that in the near future - but it is proving a difficult challenge in and of itself. I spent most of the week running around in circles trying to figure out what I need to do so that I can get on track with the business. I realise that I probably underestimated the start-up capital I needed, but it isn't so bad as to give up just yet.

I certainly am not in the position of owing people lots of money - which is a good thing. :)

I bumped into Alex today.

In the state I'm currently in, that was a bit of a shock to the system. I had no idea he was going to be in town. I had actually thought it would be a good few months before I saw him again.

Furthermore, it was a pure "by chance" encounter. The reason I put those words in quotations is because Alex and I have a bit of a history of "by chance" encounters when we are keeping our distance. Serendipity seems to follow us.

This had all the hallmarks of one of those moments. I move a hundred kilometres away and still we accidently bump into each other in the middle of the street.


Previously, we have bumped into each other in cafes, had a misdirected e-mail end up in my letterbox, had a phone call out of the blue, been assigned to the same jury duty on the same day - once or twice it could have been just either myself or him subconsciously working to bring us back into each other's orbits. But it has happened enough times now to make me a tad supersticious about the whole deal.

Now a chance encounter with Stephanie and Taryn on Cuba Mall can be added to the list. I was walking down from Real Groovy and saw Stephanie with some friends - realised it was her and Taryn - I waved and said hi and was about to move on when I realised who the third person was. Alex.

I was stunned and my brain was scrambling to make sense of it all. Stephanie kept on walking pushing for them to go - I barely got to talk to him, to find out what the hell he was doing in Wellington.

No prizes to the people who realised how I felt afterwards. I panicked and tried to figure out what the hell to do - I was feeling like I'd been punched in the gut. It was hard to think of who to go to. I could have walked to work and talked to Emile, I could have called... who? I don't really have that many friends here that I feel comfortable talking about Alex with. So I called my brother and had a talk with someone who didn't need to say nice things to me.

He doesn't particularly think highly of Alex, but he's a pragmatic kind of guy and helped me calm down. I need to be able to rational about these things.

It hurts to realise that these feelings haven't died or gone away.

So I'm sitting at home feeling particularly lonely. I could go to the webcomic party - but Kandallah is such a stretch for me to go to without a plan for how to get home and I have work tomorrow morning, so I can't crash there.

I feel...

Trapped? A failure?

I'm not sure. I don't feel too negative, more melancholy and lonely. I know that I am feeling love lost. I'm also feeling like I am not going to find anyone who will make me feel okay to be who I am. Every guy I have met hasn't seen me for who I am, or accepted that. I'm not going to change who I am for someone else - I am a good guy. I'm not expecting someone to fit into any category for me.

I want to be with a guy that I accept - flaws and all - and hope for that in return.

But shadows draw nearer now. I am getting a feeling that I haven't had in a long time - that something is coming to a culmination. Maybe I'm being paranoid.

Maybe I need to be loved by someone who is willing to show me that I'm right. That love isn't about sex or looks but how you feel for someone.

Maybe there is someone out there who would be happy being with me and who I actually feel the same for in return.

Is there such a thing as fate? Is there such a thing as a soulmate? Or am I living a naive fantasy to protect myself from having to be intimate with anybody?

Conan

Currently Reading: Nothing
Currently Playing: Exalted
Mood:Alone

Websites and planning

I've started working on the ESG website. It's going to be a hard job - just in all the different pages that need to be written out and then I need to go back over it and figure out the changes. Emile has kindly offered to look over it and help out with the design aspects (Colours, use of logos and pictures) while Richard is helping with the technicals.

More costs are piling up though, which is a bit stressful. I need to buy a router at some point today. I still have the cost of the credit card account to consider and then the shipment itself. Unfortunately too many people are being oddly retiscent about coming and asking me for products or ordering. They all seem to want to sit on things.

On the bright side, I am setting up some exciting features on the ESG site including a system to allow people to order P.O.D. books of their PDFs. That is, I can produce perfect bound copies of their PDFs for usually around $20. (Assuming a 200 page book.)

More details will be coming soon. All in all, there is the possibility that ESG is going to expand quite nicely. :D

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Rules to Cleopatra & the Society of Architects
Currently Playing: The Grand Experiment; Exalted
Mood: Pretty good, actually...

We are all related...

So according to the Dominion Post on Monday we all share a single ancestor barely 2000 years in our pasts. While many people scoff this, it doesn't seem all that surprising. Considering that every cell in our bodies shares a single beginning cell, it seems somewhat logical.

But what amazes me is the level people will go to deny the greater implication of this discovery. That the concept of "race" is further negated. It is of some small amusement to me that the more humanity tries to classify the world into different things for ease of understanding, the more they are finding that everything is linked together.

The reason we tend to classify things is because it makes it easier to relate and work with them. Yet for some reason a lot of people have trouble then re-integrating those parts back into a cohesive whole.

But I digress. The thing that astounds me is that we treat each other as strangers, that we have systems actually devised to seperate each other and to provide some flawed view of equity that places certain people in positions of greater influence than others.

I'm kind of uncertain how to best describe all this. I've mentioned before about people deliberately looking for ways to dispute even the most rational of views.

My big question really is - why does the idea of everyone being the same scare people so much? We're not talking the Borg here - we are all unique in a way. But we are all equally unique. We are all related to each other and the idea that some people are inherently better than others is a lie.

People lay claim to religion, politics and even science to justify their attitudes. I'm not saying we have to all like each other. But there is no justification that would hold up from the perspective of the Universe itself. Consider this discovery a gentle reminder that humanity needs to get over itself.

Wow - that's a pretty bold thing for me to say. But I'm going to come out and say it again. Because I am sick and tired of reading about people tormenting the unwilling, killing others for all sorts of stupid reasons, and generally making there be all manner of suffering.

It has been said that we will not see sufficient change in a single lifetime. Bollocks. Yes, change is difficult and scary. Yes, it takes a lot of work and effort.

But if you want it, it will happen.

The reason there is pain and suffering in this world is because so many people have convinced themselves that they can't change the world. That they can't have a better life. And because some people who want to keep you down promote that idea. Not in a conspiracy - it doesn't need to be that organised. It has just taken millennia for us to get that complacent.

There is enough pain and suffering in the world due to natural disasters, disease and the like - why do humans need to keep adding to that? They don't.

There is enough killing from those who are mentally unstable and emotionally detached - if we spent less time thinking of ways to deny our equality, less time coming up with news ways to torture and kill, then we'd probably be able to solve many of those other issues with more efficiency.

We could improve education, health and maybe even realise a new economic system. The potential for human endeavour has been consistently proven to be near limitless. But we keep convincing ourselves that it must take generations. But with patience, compassion and a true commitment from humanity to have a better world - we could do it in a single generation. The problem is that some people don't want to believe in such a world because they think in typical slippery slope ideas.

Resources? We have enough resources on earth to tap into the larger levels of resources available in our solar system. We waste those resources on wars and financial competitiveness..

Politics? Much of politics is based on the idea of bloodlines - however all 6.5 billion of us have been shown to all come from the same bloodline. So it becomes pointless to claim that our differences are insurmountable - we choose to accept our culture and differences. No one is saying we have to agree on every little detail. There is room for muslims, christians, atheists and others. There is room for different nations, different social cultures. This is the point that so many people seem to have trouble with - yes, most cultures will need to change their views on some things, but change is not synonymous with destruction.

It is about accepting the common ground and building a world that is in harmony, not dissonance.

The good news is that it isn't too late to start this change, and we all can do our bit to help. Just treating people in our own lives with some respect and tolerance builds the likelihood. One day, maybe, the world as a whole will snap out of it and we'll see change occur much faster...

Here's hoping.

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: nothing
Currently Playing: The Grand Experiment; Exalted
Mood: Feeling muy philosophical...

Deals and Plans

Well it is slow going, but things are still on the up and up with ESG. I'm currently working on a deal that will be quite lucrative if it works out. So everyone with PDFs should keep an eye on this space. :D

I'm still in a bit of a strange place emotionally. I've been haunted by strange dreams involving people I know and have known. A lot of anxiety dreams about gaming and where I'm heading from here. Most concerning is the relationship front.

E. and I were chatting yesterday and he said to me "you really do want to have someone to date, don't you." Which I confirmed. But it is proving to be really difficult. It is frustrating to know that there could be the ideal person out there for me, and I'm just not meeting him.

I'm not really sure where to go or what to do now. *sigh*

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Nothing
Currently Playing: The Grand Experiment;Exalted
Mood: Kind of lonely and a little worried about business...