Thursday, April 27, 2006

What is it about the Gilmore Girls?

So I was going to talk to y'all about Babylon 5 and how I've started watching it, when I got somewhat hijacked by the Gilmore Girls after getting to watch the first episode of the series.

What is it about that crazy mother-daughter duo from Star Hollow, Connecticut?

Oddly enough it ties in with my Babylon 5 thoughts, see.

I watched the pilot episode of Babylon 5 and afterwards found myself asking "how on earth did this ever get a series made from it?" The dialogue was crap, the acting cringe worthy bar a few notable exceptions and the story kind of stumbled around in an attempt to suggest that there was something greater going on while constantly feeling like it was being made up as it went along.

The special effects were dated for now, but I can accept at the time they were amazing - heck, I remember as a kid watching the show and thinking "wow those are cool special effects."

But what really got me - and the same goes for the first episode of the actual series - was how clumsy the whole show felt. Even now, four episodes in, I find it a battle to watch the show - the scriptwriting is atrocious. Really. It smacks of clumsy attempts at seeming more than it really is. I'm hoping that as the series progresses this improves. But next to Firefly, Buffy and other such shows it feels very hokey. I am somewhat amazed the series ever garned the following it has if the first few shows are anything to go by.

Which brings me to Gilmore Girls. It strikes me that a lot of negativity that certain people direct at this show comes from those who have never really sat down and watched it.

From the very first scene where Lorelai Gilmore enter's Luke's diner it was clear that this show was going to be a major hit. The characters didn't feel like the actors were stumbling around trying to find a connection, they all felt like real people who had previous relationships. Much like Firefly, there was a true sense of stepping into the middle of these people's lives and picking up the story from that point.

The dialogue is amazing. Gilmore Girls manages to be a show that's really about nothing other than people's ordinary lives while having the kind of slick dialogue one comes to expect from shows like West Wing.

Star Hollow presents an America that people want to live in. Hell, I want to live there!

But most interestingly, to me, the world of the Gilmore Girls is about imperfect people coming to make the best of their lives and thus find themselves in a perfect world. Everyone in Gilmore Girls is a dreamer of some sort. There are no bad guys in this world - just flawed people who make mistakes or fail to understand the other people in their lives.

The thing is, this talky show really hits it on the head - treat life with a sense of humour and be willing to communicate with others and things will work out. Because they do. In the world of Star Hollow, the ills of the world are able to be healed by people learning to accept that they have faults, and having the willingness to work together to overcome them.

I'm impressed I've managed to write so much about this show already. But I have to admit it - I am liking the show because it is so well produced and cast. If you've never given this show a chance, I recommend taking another look.

In the meantime, I live in hope that Babylon 5 manages to live up to the hype. So far... I would have canned it after five episodes.

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Not much
Currently Playing: Unknown Armies - To Go;Exalted
Mood:Doing fine


Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Stand Back for Mac!

In the process of researching for my current business venture, I had to look at potential new computers to get the optimal set up in terms of cost and efficiency.

Well colour me surprised when after some serious talk with a variety of places, that a mac based business was going to be the better choice. This is in part due to the Intel chip innovation that Apple recently took on.

See, until recently it was a case of do you spend the extra money for a mac, or remain PC compatible? Virtual PC for mac was a chugging piece of crap that had to emulate a PC environment to work. No more!

With the duo core intel chip and BOOTcamp, a mac can be partitioned off on the hard-drive to run both mac and PC software. You get all the benefits of mac while being able to PC software when you need it. The battle for the personal computer just go interesting, and the options for small businesses have increased.

Now most of my friends will be able to tell you how much I love mac computers. When I was kid I grew up with an Apple IIc and IIe. I learnt to program in apple basic when I was younger along with logos. Then the PC revolution struck and I got sort of left behind a bit.

But Apple have come into their own now. Their laptops and desktop computers aren't up to date with PCs - they are far ahead. Apples are all wireless ready, with built in networking and design capability. As several people told me during my research, in three years time I'd be needing to upgrade the PC as it slowed down - while my apple iMac will still be as reliable and up-to-date as it was the day I bought it.

Apple really is all about future-proofing.

Sure there will be even bigger and snazzier apples in three years time - but they don't devalue your existing computer. Look at the brouhaha that broke out in the states earlier this year when a school offered to sell its old apple ibooks. These were ibooks that were nearly five years old, and people got hospitalised in the clamour to get one.

Normally if you say "I have an old laptop selling for $50 US" most people say "what's wrong with it." But tell them it's an apple and they leap at the chance to pick the thing up.

Heck, even here in Wellington I've noticed a growing increase in ibooks and powerbooks. At iplay a large number of people who log on to the laptop network are using apples. At university most of the psychology department uses apples. Walk down the street, and most people with a laptop infront of them will have the unmistakable white apple ibook.

The PC will always be around, it has a lot of things going for it. But the apple is strengthening its position as the must-have computer. Much like Sony overtook the old favourites with the Playstation - to the point that even the xbox 360's sales are doing okay, but are being stifled by people waiting to see what sony is going to release - apple has managed to make having a computer somehow a lot more "cool."

iPod was just the warning volley, a clever business strategy to generate the money needed to build up the business. Now with apple working on producing the ultimate wireless home system that integrates television, computer, ipod, stereo and more - expect to see Mac continue to grow in popularity.

Sure, we used to not have the games. But now with BOOTcamp, there is a serious possibility that mac users will be able to just play them straight off their macs.

But coming back to my business issue, what this all meant when I looked at the cost of the computer we'd need to run everything we wanted in PC terms, the saving was minimal - and there was the issue that it wouldn't be able to handle the design software we wanted to use as efficiently as a mac.

Then there was the reality that in a few years time I'd need to be replacing the system or upgrading it.

On the other hand, I could by the mac and it was all ready to run everything we needed for only a hundred or so more. It would last for a long time and would be able to remain the central computer for the business for several years. I plan to upgrade the system to a powerbook laptop once the business is underway - and because of the design of the iMac, it would still be able to link up to any later peripherals and still run them fine.

In the end, spending that extra few hundred now would save us thousands in the future. Plus with BOOTcamp, if any mac compatibility issues arose, we could switch the system to PC software for those jobs that would require it.

Two computers for the price of one, and both at a better level than if I had just bought PCs.

Fantastic!

So stand back, and prepare for the new mac invasion! :)

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading:Nine Worlds
Currently Playing: Unknown Armies - To Go; Exalted
Mood: Ready to take on the business world... kind of anyway


Friday, April 21, 2006

Past thoughts, current concerns, future outcomes...

I'm in a bit of a strange place at the moment.

I feel distinctly alone right now, and I don't want to text any friends - because I don't want kind words right now. I also don't want judgements about my decisions.

Merv was really good about my being up front and telling him that I didn't feel we had any long term prospects. E at work was very sweet today and was talking about how he was going to be cooking his girlfriend dinner tonight - and how he hadn't decided what to make yet, and was going to read the cook book while cycling to the supermarket. (I suspect he was kidding...)

It's an odd place I'm in now. My date with Merv has set off a number of unusual thoughts, almost as if the mobius loop of mental processing I've been undergoing has suddenly caught onto something and is beginning to progress. Last night I was struck by an epiphany of why people can't agree, why the world needed liberals and conservatives... suddenly a complex mix of ideas and thoughts started to show their edges. It's still there, but clicking away in the back of my head.

Yet, there is still this feeling of sadness. Kind of a loss brought on by thoughts of my still not feeling that I'm quite where I want or need to be.

I'm having a lot of doubts about University currently. I sometimes wish I could just close my eyes and WILL the universe to rearrange itself.

But most of all, I wish I could actually find someone I love as much as I loved Alex.

I wish I could just be attracted to people as simply as others seem to want me to be. That I could just simply say "yeah, I'll give him a chance."

How do I explain how I think?

How do I explain seeing the world in 360 degrees? Or being able to look at a person and sense their mood? How after talking to a person I sense so many possibilities?

And how sometimes I feel like I have some mental condition that everyone is being too nice to tell me about.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not meaning to wallow in self-pity, nor am I looking for sympathy.

I'm simply trying to show what is currently running through my head. How I am literally carrying a multitude of thoughts that sometimes cause pressure in my skull.

I wish I could write more witty comments and have a laugh-a-minute blog. Or something that wasn't quite so self-indulgent.

I wish I could feel attractive again.

I wish I could discipline myself to work-out again.

Despite all my riling against it, I am feeling the pressure of never having money when I want it. I am seriously considering quitting University.

I am seriously alone.

I go through this on occasion - I know it gets better eventually.

Sometimes I do think I'm crazy. Sometimes I do think that people can't see what is really going on inside me.

Even now, with what I'm writing here there are things I'm keeping from you guys. Not dark nasty things, but personal things that I don't really feel comfortable sharing.

Like - I still love Alex.

I haven't seen him in almost a year. But every day I still think about him and wish I could hold him. Wish I could just not feel this way.

I have allowed these feelings to become so ingrained, that whenever I feel weak I go back to that place - I'm sure.

I see E. and wish I could meet someone like him. He's so sweet and funny and quirky. Best of all, he's flirty and interesting.

But I don't meet people like E who are available.

Sometimes I wonder if I was right to turn down Richard. There was someone who was interested in me and was funny. Sure, I didn't really feel anything, but sometimes I wonder.

I'm at a loss as to what to do. I have a big business venture idea and I'm scared that it is going to go nowhere. I feel that I'm still treading water. Even with the progress I've made I'm not really sure what I'm wanting out of my life.

I want to be a writer, but most of all...

I want to fall in love. I don't care about University. I don't care about work.

I really don't. I have a passion to talk and work on my theories about humanity. I want to help people - but I'm waiting for something to happen to me. Which isn't going to happen.

And yet somewhere in my head something is happening.

I probably sound a lot more angsty than I am. But I just need to clear out all these concerns to make room for me to come up with a solution.

I know it all works out. Deep down, everything works out. It just can seem a long way to go. I need to regain the confidence I had yesterday, and I'm probably very very tired.

I realised yesterday, as part of my epiphany, that if God came down in person and revealed the true nature of the universe in no uncertain terms that there would still be people (even christians) who would deny it and even be able to logically show why.

Yes. I have a strong belief about the universe. And yes, I believe it to be true.

And yet with this confident belief, I find that I can't figure out the details.

I think it's time for me to go and sort out dinner. I need to calm down and meditate a little - just let my brain settle.

My brother is taking me to Dylan Moran tomorrow - so at least life still has its good points. :) And who knows? Once I get past these doubts, I'll have more good news.

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Nothing
Currently Playing: Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood: Not depressed, just a mix of introspection and concern


Thursday, April 20, 2006

Life can be fun...

I'm sitting here in iplay trying to work out where I want to go for dinner tonight. :D Just came out of Scary Movie 4 - which is a typical Zucker movie, but genuinely funny too. (There are some gags in it that were just WRONG but still damn funny. The Village does not make it out of this movie alive...)

What a day. It was exhausting and long, but I'm still kind of jazzed. There have been a number of stressful things going on at work that have been taking their toll on everyone. I've noticed that often there are a number of people at work who tend to go into panic rather than try to simply tackle a situation. They try to, but they often choose to resolve stress by passing it on to as many other people as possible.

The end result has been that not a lot of practical work gets done, and more mistakes pile up as stressed out staff members try to rush through it to get the problem out of the way.

The upshot of all this is that today I ended up being put in a position where I was meant to initially train one of the staff members in an area that was the source of a lot of stress over the last week. Then there was a quick change of plans and I was lumped with all the work - which I didn't mind one bit as I was having a bit of a hard time trying to explain to Sam what needed to be done. :)

I decided then and there to make it my goal for the day to unravel as much of the mess as possible and get things back on track. And I was going to do it without screaming or yelling at anyone.

Interestingly enough this ended up utilising that big picture thinking I was talking about the other day. I was ordered to do one job as top priority, and I sat back for a moment and looked at how all the trouble areas were currently being dealt with.

After identifying what points they were at and where the hold ups were in the overall operation of the business, I went and starting moving all the distracting items that were simply making the situation look worse than it was. Then I made certain to communicate to the right people what I needed done to proceed without seeming to order anyone around. (After all, the key thing here was that for me to succeed in my goal I would need the help of the right people.) So I then pretty much disappeared into the storeroom for the day, having set in motion the necessary events that I needed and was able to focus on the jobs that I could finish on my own.

Once all that was done, I went back to each other person and got the bits I needed from them to finish off the problem jobs, and in the process of this a number of new problems were revealed - which I was then (due to having my big picture image of things) able to pass on to the appropriate people without undue hassle or concern.

Now it sounds like I was the centre of everything, but this wasn't the case. Basically, without the unnecessary hassle and concern everyone else was able to do what they needed to do. And, wow. We had a relatively green staff (including myself) today and together as an entire group so much got done. The shop was looking FANTASTIC by the end of the day, customers were dealt with effectively and it was a very good feeling to leave feeling that we had all worked hard.

All of the shop brilliance was not due to me. Just to put things in perspective.

Back to my personal mission, by the end of the day I had managed to resolve all the big issues that had been in front of me that morning. I was able to help out the office staff sort out the new problems that arose and a couple of old problems that had been overlooked (one that I had unintentionally been the cause of...) and managed to achieve all my goals for the day and more.

The point of it all was that I chose not to just be at work. I chose to own my job as it it was mine to do. Which is an odd way of saying it, but it kind of means that I took on a responsibility and refused to be depressed or down about it. I was stressed, especially when more problems showed up. At a couple of points I got discouraged. But then I'd think of the big picture and dealt with the issue.

Oddly enough, by the end of the day I realised... it had been fun.

I was smiling and joking all day long. I did complain briefly to Joe, but in a relaxed "I'm frustrated, but it's okay - I'm working it out now" kind of way. (Which I didn't even think was possible!) :)

So yeah. Life can be fun. You just need to take ownership of it and say "it's fun because I can meet my goals. I can do what I set out to do, all I need is to be willing to ask for help and have the humility to know that it isn't all me."

Because it wasn't. If nobody else had been doing their part, I would never have been able to complete all my goals today. What helped me personally to deal with the pressure was the knowledge that as long as I was communicating to other people and keeping aware of what they were doing, then everything would work out. It was about being able to step up and help when I was needed to get them to their goals, and to know when to ask for help when I needed help in response.

Wow - I'm so mister obvious today. :D

Anyway - it's all about keeping the big picture in mind. Because in the big picture... there's room for everybody.

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Nothing
Currently Playing: Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood: Taking on the stress with a smile on my face and determination in my heart.


Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Dating and singlehood

So I went out with Merv tonight. Just for a coffee. He chose Starbucks. I already know what Henley's response would be to that... :D

When I arrived, I was somewhat surprised by his appearance. Not quite what I had thought it would be. Overall, he was much like a number of guys I've dated - nice but a little too... well it's hard to place the right word on it, but basically his worldview and mine probably don't match. We meet on some ideas, but on the fundamentals we're in two different places entirely.

I talked WAY too much - but he seemed to not mind. He commented that my thought processes were a bit overwhelming. It seems that he felt I would talk about a number of ideas all at the same time - manage to link them altogether and show it as a whole concept - but it would be so big that he had to take a bit of time to catch up.

I've never really been told that before. I do think in big picture terms - often looking at how the whole picture works to get an understanding of how certain elements work together to make it, but sometimes this is a flaw because I find it harder to show people the way to that big picture.

It's like looking at a painting, being able to comment on the style, the images, the paint and such but not being able to really explain the first stroke that began it all.

I also found myself constantly repeating stock statements.

Merv was a nice and perceptive guy, but he wasn't placed in the same point I was. It's hard to explain. I'm looking for someone who is able to either see the big picture, or who doesn't mind my strange form of conversation but rather is able to engage with me in some other way.

I think Merv spent too much time trying to engage with me on the same level I was operating on - but because we thought in two totally different ways, it was proving a challenge. That is probably a lot to do with the kind of person he is - he's very much into understanding people and getting into their heads. It seems he found mine just a bit overwhelming. (Hmmmm does make me feel a bit full of myself saying that, but I'm repeating what he basically said.)

We just wouldn't really gel in the long term. It's either understand me or accept that my thinking is just different and instead develop something new between the two of us.

I'm open to that kind of thing, and I guess I was really wanting Merv to say "that's cool, now just take a deep breath and then shut up. I can't follow that all, but I really like you."

Richard did that with me, and it worked. He figured out that to get me interested he needed to do something and not be passive. His solution, especially when all these other people kept talking to me was to kiss me in the middle of a sentence while talking to him. It really got my attention. :)

Not that such a ploy would always work with me - but it is an example of how I want someone who is going to be able to either keep up or change the rules to get me on an equal basis with them.

It's not that I like forceful people, I like people who actually will take a stand and do something. Shane talked to me about anime and roleplaying. A real outgoing or mischevious personality is bound to get my interest - or a mysterious person.

Heck, all sorts. But Merv lacked any real hook that caught my interest. :(

So I remain single, wondering if I'm a real high-maintenence guy. I don't think so, in an actual relationship I'd be pretty easy to please - just a hug and a kiss is all I need.

But finding the right kind of person. That's tough. It reminds me of Shane's ex Ian. I've told this story before - Ian wanted to figure out what kind of person would suit me. After talking to me, he couldn't figure out what my "type" was, because it seemed to be very broad and open. But at a big park day he got me to keep pointing out the people I found attractive, and he still couldn't pick a type. I seemed to go for all sorts of strange people. Then he said he suddenly had figured it out. He pointed to someone and said "there. That one, right?"

I looked and nodded. Then he pointed at another. "That guy?"

Yep.

Then again. Shane then said that seeing as Ian had figured it out, what was my type. At which point Ian almost burst into tears and said "I can't explain it. It's just this thing about them. I don't know what it is."

That pretty much sums up the problem. I know it when I see it, but it isn't something that is easily explained.

So I remain single. Here's to the next date... whenever that is. :)

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Mage: the Awakening
Currently Playing: Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood: Still at peace with the universe.


Monday, April 17, 2006

When you are at a loss for words

Wow. Not a lot that I'm compelled to write about today.

Nick P's birthday on Saturday was a lot of fun, although there was an incident that did put a dampner on things - and kind of kept Nick from spending more time with his friends at his own party. I felt kind of bad for not really stepping up to the plate to help, but it felt like too many people would have made things worse, not better.

Over all, the party was a lot of fun and it was great to catch up with everyone.

Sunday and Monday were pretty uneventful as well.

I had my new group for Monday Exalted over this evening for character creation, and I feel that some progress was made. Fraser is extremely hyped about it all. I also foolishly agreed to work a six day week this week. I'm just reminding myself that I'm getting paid and that I get time and a half for the sixth day. :)

Plus it's toys - come on! It'll be loads of fun. :D

In an interesting twist on things, there has been a new roleplaying game promoted on RPGnet's banners called In Dark Alleys. I was slightly intrigued by the concept - although it does advertise using philosophers in a rather stupid manner - "They laughed at Plato, They laughed at Freud, They laughed at Nietzsche..."

Who?

Not that many people laughed at Plato at all - he's still respected to this very day as a key philosopher. That's why we still study his works thousands of years later. Nietzsche? Some people laughed at him behind his back, but most people just disagree with his philosophy and a majority just misinterpret it - the creators of In Dark Alleys among them from the sound of things. Freud - well people did laugh at him. But that is mostly because his theories were pretty bunk. Considering that IDA draws on freudian archetypes, it's a bit risky.

In fact, there is a lot on that site that ended up suggesting to me people who studied a little philosophy and psychology and then kind of got it all wrong but hoped to use it as a foundation for their games.

Which isn't all bad - Kult was born from Gnosticism and it is a damn fine horror game. But the approach that Varjar takes is... well... questionable. I have a bit of a bad taste in my mouth when I read the preview material and can't quite explain why.

I certainly dislike their ORC system. It's counter-intuitive and very old-school design. Maybe that's the thing. It reminds me a lot of other games I have seen from third party publishers, like Andromeda 2500. Written as if the last twenty years of roleplaying development never happened.

For a game that claims to be about dramatic character creation, it feels very numbers heavy and not character focused at all. Where the system could have gone with an excellent life-path system or something that gave players more options character wise, IDA and the ORC system seem more interested in trying to realistically model everything - every skill (of which there is a MASSIVE list) has its own set of rules.

Not a good start and very, very old school.

Wow. For someone with little on his mind I managed to fill up quite a bit of space. :)

Anyhoop, I'm off to bed now. So hope you all sleep well and have a good night!

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Exalted 2e Storyteller's Companion
Currently Playing: Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood: Feeling good and happy


Thursday, April 13, 2006

Requiem from the Darkness - Japanese Horror Anime Style

So there will be those who have been following this blog who have heard me mention this show and wondered what I've been going on about.

Requiem from the Darkness was a bit of a surprise show for me. The cover of the first disc kept drawing me when I saw it on the shelf in Gamesman, and so I went to my usual go to site for anime reviews - Anime on DVD.com - and read the glowing review of the first series, which convinced me to watch it.

Now AoD has yet to guide me wrong - they suggested that I stick to Argentosoma, and thus I managed to catch one of the best twists in anime. They even gave a good review for Fafner - which is beginning to grow on me. Heck, they convinced me to check out Chrono Crusade, which I was never going to watch - but now I'm actually pleased I did.

Requiem's style is very unusual. Drawing on traditional japanese art and the graphic nature of the pre-manga storyboards that travelling tale-tellers used to carry from town to town - Requiem is certainly an unusual series that wont appeal to everyone.

The animation is a bizarre mix of traditional and CG, with many secondary characters being strange caricatures or even symbolic representations of people. There is the hint that their forms are indicative of their true natures, but at times the most normal looking people end up being the true monsters in the series.

It is an unusual series that is essentially about telling ghost stories, and really takes its time about it, relishing in each story and making sure that you are always just a little bit uncomfortable. I have to admit, I refuse to watch this series at night, because it genuinely left me feeling disturbed and creeped out.

But in a good way that a really well crafted horror story would. I think the makers understood that animation would prove to be a difficult medium to tell horror stories with, and so they opted for some very clever techniques to help create a malevolent atmosphere. Oddly enough, the main characters are so... likable. Even the strange supernatural trio that the story centres around.

Yet again this is a devious trick, I feel. By making the characters so likeable... it gives the series that much more of a creepy edge. When they talk so matter-of-factly about a murderer or demon, it feels all the more creepy because they are talking about it as if demonic evil is just so normal in the world.

This is a very clever little trick that serves the series well time and again.

Don't get me wrong, these guys are out to purge and punish evil, but the trio have seemed to come to expect people to become evil. Momosuke, the lead, is essentially the pure moral character who is slowly making the shift from naivete to understanding.

An excellent series that I have to highly recommend. :)

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Exalted 2e
Currently Playing: Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood: Feeling good!


Nine Worlds - Snakes on a Spaceship!

I finally got to run Nine Worlds last night at Nick and Nasia's. With the demise of Fireborn, I've decided that Wednesday would be a better evening for casual gaming, where players can come and go, and we can try out a variety of games just for fun.

Unfortunately, I didn't count on Paul and Nick P being so prone to playing on each other. I should have learnt by now. *sigh* Also didn't help that I wasn't particularly in touch with the system - which is very much like Primetime Adventures, but with a bit more depth to the mechanic.

Over all, I love the game and with a group of players who are willing to take it seriously - it would be pretty cool.

Basically the game was set up with everyone waking up on a spaceship suffering from Amnesia. We managed to get the game moving along a very cool plot line involving Atlantean space pirates and an assassin who had smuggled snakes from Venus to Luna.

The system has some odd quirks - stories are only driven by players, the GM just shows up to facilitate and run NPCs.

This is kind of cool, but it relies on the players working together during character creation and making sure that their individual storylines link together. Otherwise the game gets messy. I also didn't like how a lot was kind of left for granted. Even with all the examples of play it was hard to see where the roleplaying came in.

When a conflict is resolved everyone takes turns in narrating the outcome (as long as they succeeded) and there was never a clear indication of *how* this worked. Narration seems to often be a third-person perspective thing.

Again, the right group would really make this game excel. It has a cool universe and the system really is well suited for that setting.

All in all, I loved it and will need to run it again to get a better feel for it - this time with more of an idea about how it works. :)

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Nine Worlds
Currently Playing: Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood: Setting up for Exalted!


Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Maybe people ought to come with subtitles...

What a busy day!

With one of the staff off ill, I've been cornering more shifts at work. Which saw me making orders today for specialist boardgames - so we'll soon have Fury of Dracula, Caylus, Mall of Horror, Junta (yes it has been remade!) and a whole slew of other cool games in the store soon. Woop woop!

So while I was there today, Regent guy came in. Now Regent guy is one of the key reasons I keep going back to Regent on Manners. He's cute and always smiles at me when I come in - and I mean a real genuine smile, none of that fake "I'm doing my job" type smiles.

Anyhoop, I have had one conversation with him previously when I happened to be waiting for a movie and he came in wearing mufty... this is when I discovered his flaw. He talks like Brad Pitt's character in Snatch.

Our first conversation was essentially him talking and me nodding like I knew what he was saying.

Today I, the ever suave man around people I'm attracted to, kind of gasped when I saw him and said "well I guess you know where I work now." Along with a weak grin. Real smoooth. He smiled that disarming smile - although it is a little rainmanesque maybe... and nodded. I asked him if he was looking for anything inparticular to which he replied...

"Mimina humina oberen Marvel."

And promptly held up a pack of Marvel-themed playing cards. I smiled, nodded and said "oh well, let me know if there is anything I can help you with."

"Yarrah"

"Right."

And then I promptly high-tailed it out of there because I didn't want to admit that I could barely understand a word he said.

I also have a hard time picking the accent. Kind of a crazy Irishman caught in Siberia while hiding from the KGB tone really. Thick, all over the show and mumbled - just incase the elocution secret police come bursting into the room.

On the bright side, I've made plans to meet Merv next week - this is the nice guy who I've been sharing texts with. All good. :)

Not much else is on my mind at the moment. So I shall take my leave and yapper on later.

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Nine Worlds
Currently Playing: Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood: In a generally good mood.


Monday, April 10, 2006

What the world needs is more confusion...

Craziness strikes again. I ended up being called into work at about midday when one of the staff called in sick.

What a day of work it was. We're setting up for the approaching school holidays, so I found myself up to my eyeballs in stock to shelf out in the store.

It was a crazy day with Tom and Blaire going at each other hammer and tongs - essentially enjoying the opportunity to mock and tease each other. I, being the center of calm that I always am, found their banter extremely hilarious. The things people do to make the day go by...

I also got a text from Danny up in Auckland - one of the loveliest guys you'll ever meet - and was surprised to hear that he and his wife are looking at buying a house! Wow!

Now I'm not that old, but whenever I hear that a friend has married or bought a house, I can't help buy feel old. Of course, I am slowly setting up some things for myself at the moment that could bring about some very interesting times indeed...

In the mean time I am chatting more with one of my prospects from last week. The other is still to get back to me, but M. is proving to be a very nice and likeable guy. There has even been talk of possibly meeting for a coffee and seeing if we want to date.

While all this is going on - and I am definitely getting a whole "world is changing" vibe at the moment - I'm getting somewhat confused about some of the people around me. Particularly at work, but also in general. Sometimes people say the strangest things.

I am left scratching my head in befuddlement at the motivations of some people.

Oh well. I was going to try and write something very witty here - but my brain is so full of guff for Exalted and work and my secret plans of secretness... it is a bit difficult to come out with anything witty. :)

So have a good night all!

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Exalted 2e
Currently Playing: Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood: On target for some big changes!


Sunday, April 09, 2006

Fafner - Gundam Xephon



Well firstly, I'm kind of digging the theme song of this show - it's pure J-pop, but I'm liking it. I might use it as the Exalted Theme song for my game. Mwahahaaha!

On a more serious note - this show is looking kind of odd. I have a mixed feeling about it.

Visually it is hard to fault, Fafner is gorgeous to watch and the mech designs are very cool. Oddly, I still feel that Rah Xephon is visually better and had nicer overall designs. The characters in Fafner just have something about them that makes them look a little generic - add this to the almost shameless copying of other anime that is prevalent through this show (the Alvis control room looks like it is straight out of Neon Genesis Evangelion.)

The other issue I have is the shooting gallery line-up of characters. Within the first few episodes the cast has exploded outwards in a manner that suggests there will be a mortality rate. Why do I say this? Well, RX and NGE both had large casts, but they took their time introducing each character and establishing that character's story.

It took me three episodes to realise that the doctor in Fafner is the mother of one of the other characters and that her assistant was actually her other daughter!

Fafner seems to prefer to identify the characters by giving them each a single obsessive situation. There's the guy who is freaked out by battle, the guy who is not good but supportive of everyone, the girl with a chip on her shoulder... the thing is all these characters are flashed in front of you with their little "foible."

I keep thinking back to Rah Xephon and how a number of main characters were only introduced as almost side roles and just were gradually brought into the story until they had a focus episode.

Of course it is still early days yet, I've only seen four episodes and it might develop more. I have heard that the storyline quickly becomes its own thing and stops referencing previous anime in the genre. The thing that disappoints me is that unlike Samurai 7 or Gankutsuou, this show didn't grab me straight away and say "You want to keep watching me!"

Even Requiem from the Darkness managed to win me over within the first few episodes.

In other news - I have started to make some headway with a personal project. That's all I'm saying at the moment. :)

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Exalted 2e
Currently Playing: Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood: Feeling pretty upbeat.


Thursday, April 06, 2006

Gankutsuou - The Ultimate Badass Loner of Anime



Yep, you read that right. As some of you may know, I've been trading up a storm recently to enlarge my anime collection while suffering from a lack of finances. Basically, I've been slowly removing items I have no need for so as to make room for crazy anime goodness. In my search I have come across some very cool shows - The Big O, Requiem from the Darkness (which I will discuss in a later blog), Samurai 7 and now Gankutsuou.

Gankutsuou (also titled "The Count of Monte Cristo") is a reimagining of the Dumas classic. Now I loved the recent movie adaptation of this classic tale of revenge. But Gankutsuou has surpassed it in deviousness and pure wow.

Voted the best anime of 2005, it is easy to see why. This show is just gorgeous to watch. Gonzo have outdone themselves in the CG arena - although there are some points where I wasn't as impressed by the CG compared to Samurai 7, but Gankutsuou came first, I believe. Overall however, the look is amazing. The decision to do hair and clothing using texture samples rather than standard cell colouring was a bold decision, and the first episode initially had me wondering if I could get used to it, but when you see the Count walk past and his cloak billows out revealing the lush embroidered silk lining, all concern melts away.

In typical anime fashion, the series designers decided that Napoleonic France just wasn't cool enough for a show - so they set it over three thousand years in the future in the year 5054! This is just a gimmick really to allow Gonzo to do what they do best, mixing anachronistic design with futuristic style - look at Last Exile and Samurai 7 to see how these guys are very skilled at making such worlds.

This is a series that also doesn't pull the punches - it has a very dark tone where the Count's motives are present in a less than trustworthy light. The reason for this is because the story is told from Albert's point of view - the son of one of the men slated for the Count's revenge. It does amuse me that Albert has more than a passing resemblence to Ayato from Rah Xephon - except with a little beauty spot/mole.

But there is no doubt that the true star of the show is the count himself.

Now I'm sure some of you anime fans are shaking your heads at the title of this blog entry. What about Spike Spiegel from Cowboy Bebop? Alucard from Hellsing? Kambei, Kyuzou or any of the other Samurai from Samurai 7?

These guys are all fine and very cool Badass Loners. No doubt about it, and it doesn't really detract from their badassness.

But Gankutsuou, the King of the Caverns, just out badasses the lot of them. Here is a man who was so hellbent on revenge he became a space vampire, then decided that wasn't enough and so becomes so wealthy that he can do anything he wants, and then says "still not enough for the revenge I desire!"

This is the man who will free a mass-murderer from public execution only so that he may use said man to set up an elaborate hoax to win the trust of an aristocrat before metting out justice on said murderer before he is able to kill anyone else.

This is the Badass Loner who not only lives by his own rules, but ends up making everyone else in an entire galaxy live by his rules solely as part of an insanely elaborate plot to get revenge on the men who took his childhood sweetheart from him and threw him in a prison.

This is the man whose theme song is him rocking out to the tunes of the lead singer of The Stranglers, where the chorus goes "You wont see me coming, you wont see me coming... till I STRIKE!" (Which plays at the end of each episode along with a truly psychedelic sequence that just revels in how badass the Count is.

On top of all that, he has a Mecha too!

And somehow Gonzo pull all this off with a truly brilliant set up that just left me gasping at the pure coolness of the show.

What are you doing still reading this? Go watch this series! It is amazing!

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: A Clash of Kings
Currently Playing: Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood:In awe of the pretty colours!


Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Scoring, Fun and Games - Shared Narrative and Traditional Gaming

So it all began with a debate that Norman, Mash and I had one Wednesday. We were discussing the various issues and rumours about Kapcon and it's prize giving. Kapcon is a highly regarded and very enjoyable roleplaying convention held here in Wellington every January. It has quite a reasonable turn-out each year and a very high calibre of games run.

The issue that has plagued it over the years has been the prizegiving. Some people mutter that the awards tend to be a popularity contest where many winners get their awards due to friends being involved in their games and thus marking them high. Now I'm not entirely convinced that this is actually the case, but since I started statistics and research methods, I have noticed something worrying - the current scoring system has some very serious flaws in it that could lead to results being more like a random drawing from a hat than any measure of ability or success.

Further, I began to suspect that it is possible to "rig" your chances of success because of the vagueness of the system.

This was concerning. Add to this the increasing popularity of shared narrative games like Primetime Adventures, Lucky Jones' and Badass Space Marines - which have built into them certain aspects that suggest an advantage in such scoring system as Kapcons... there was reason for us to discuss possible solutions.

So the topic was broached on NZRAG with much debate and a small degree of snarkiness.

Over the course of this discussion I have given a lot of thought about my initial concerns and where I may have made some slip ups in my analysis. I've come to the following thoughts about the system, shared narrative games and fun in general.

Fun = Engagement



The most major assertion about this whole debate was that Kapcon and the prizegiving was about fun. Now I have a bit of an issue with measuring fun because it really isn't an objective thing. Fun in and of itself is highly subjective - this is because it is born from a variety of variables that are combined in unique ways to every person. So measuring fun itself is almost an exercise in futility.

We can't really measure what is fun, but we can measure when people are having fun. This is different because we're not measuring the degree of fun itself, we are measuring the frequency of a positive response. I have chosen to call this engagement. Why? Because in my experience most people report that they have had fun when they have been engaged in something.

So to turn this to roleplaying, a fun game is one that engages the players in some way - be it as a player, character or audience to the game. Now I'm not about to go into the scoring aspect of this yet, I want to first explore the idea of engagement...

Think about the last fun game you played in - what was it that you were doing when you were enjoying the game? I feel pretty confident in saying that you were paying attention to what was going on and interacting in some way with the game as it played. Be that laughing at a funny moment, being scared when something horrible was happening, experiencing sorrow as your character... in some way you were drawn into the game.

A Game Master's job is to ensure that engagement above all other things, I feel. In most games it is through a variety of tricks and techniques that you become engaged in the game - and a good GM knows how to keep the players focused on the game, both interacting with it and enjoying the experience.

How games deal with engagement



So getting to the crux of the initial debate, I've noticed a considerable difference between shared narrative games and traditional roleplaying games when it comes to engagement and the GM. See, the thing about games like PTA is that they have engagement built into the system - players are made to interact with the game as a whole from the set up of the setting to the running of the storyline, even when their characters are not in a scene.

Essentially, the GM doesn't need to work as hard to get the players interacting with the game because the system is already doing this and sharing a lot of the load. Thus, it is reasonable to assume that shared narrative games are more likely to produce a fun experience. This is because the players are more involved in the game and have a vested interest in staying engaged with it.

Now this isn't to say that shared narrative games are better - on the contrary, there is also a factor where disagreements between players arise and the GM must facilitate them. This can then cause players to disengage from the game, because their input is not involved.

However, in the issue of "fun" - the engagement in the game is coming from the players rather than the GM. The good thing about this is that it allows the GM to then no longer worry about keeping the players interested, instead s/he is able to enjoy the game in much the same way as the players, only having to facilitate the occasional conflict of personalities that may arise.

These games are designed with the idea of lightening the GMs load so that they can get on with the game.

In a traditional game, a GM is required to be much more skilled at engaging the players - now systems in traditional games have their own ways of handling this, but they tend to provide tools for the GM to use rather than just cutting past the GM.

As the old saying goes - a good GM can make any game fun.

Scoring Values, Kapcon and Variables



So what is the issue with Kapcon and it's scoring system. Well, the issue is based around the "Best GM" scoring method. In Kapcon there are two methods used for scoring - one is a very simple nomination system where the most nominations are used - attendees of the convention simply state who they are nominating and why. These are then seperated out into a number of categories and counted up - most nominations winning. Simple and not really requiring much in the way of statistical knowledge.

However the GM voting uses a scoring system that has players state the game that they played and give it a ranking taken from a range of 1 through to 7.

Now the Kapcon committee hasn't released exactly how they then calculate these values - but the assumed method is to take the average of all scores. Whoever scores 7 at the end of it all, with the most votes, wins.

How ties are decided remains somewhat of a mystery too - but one would assume that number of votes and sessions would come into play.

So what is the problem with this system? Well from a survey/scoring viewpoint it has a very glaring and serious flaw - what do the values mean?

The official line of Kapcon is that individuals are invited to place whatever value they want to the numbers, with the understanding the high is good and low is bad.

In common research scales this is often done. No doubt many of you have done a test where you had 1= strongly disagree and 7= strongly agree.

The problem is that you can't base it off one question, and you'll notice in all those tests that you tend to be asked a number of questions that are used to establish a pattern, so that the staticians looking at the data know how you are valuing each number.

Furthermore, you are given clear indication of what each number represents.

Random Variables


The issue facing Kapcon is that no value or scale is actually given. Players are left to decide what each number represents. This is a problem because different people will interpret the numbers in very different ways. This means that at the statistical end of things you are getting results back that are based on wildly different values - meaning that two ranks of 6 wont necessarily mean the same thing.

So, in turn, you are getting random variables disrupting your data set with each game you take scores for. Because much of the placing in a game is done with the drawing of names from a hat, this is a further randomisation of how the scoring is going out. Meaning that the results have even less to do with anything happening in the game - because the values are getting constantly mixed and disrupted.

It is somewhat naive to assume that this randomisation evens out the variance caused by players using different values.

To better clarify this - consider player X and Player Y. X is a bit critical, and decides that a rank of "7" is unreachable. Basically the GM will have to blow X's socks off and bring about the second coming to score a 7. However, 1 is very possible because some games can blow so much that X will quite readily give a 1. So this means that the actual range of scores that X will give could be all over the place. Y, on the other hand, is a real softie and has decided that everyone is trying their best. So Y is willing to give a 7 to games that are enjoyable and engaging, a 6 to those that try hard and Y manages to have a good laugh in, and a 5 to anything that wasn't that grand. This means that Y is really marking out of a range of 3, not 7. It also means that any GM lucky to have Y will be regularly scoring high regardless of ability or game.

Now I have met people like X and Y at Kapcon, so it is very reasonable to consider these examples.

So what you have happening here is Kapcon ranking GMs in a particular set of values that are not being shared by the attendees. Essentially, X's 6 and Y's 7 have the same "fun" value to these attendees - however Kapcon's scoring system will treat Y's 7 as more valuable.

Given that each game has only 6 people involved - a game that ranks low but scores Y's 5 will be unnaturally knocked up the rankings. It gets more concerning at the upper end of the scale. Consider two GMs who get high rankings - the GM with X in their game is going to be disadvantaged.

So before we even consider the fun issue, we have a problem with the scoring.

Why there is an issue


Bringing it all together now, the issue that arises is that attendees are being asked to vote which games were the most fun for them. This essentially means that the more engaging a game is, the more likely it will score high. The assumption behind this is that a good GM will produce a fun game. The better the GM, the more people in the game will have fun.

This is a reasonable assumption. After all, a good GM will be able to make someone who doesn't normally enjoy his chosen system to still have a good time and rank it highly. Right?

Except that there is no fixed scale - so the player who doesn't normally enjoy said system is potentially still going to rank the game lower due to system issue and a lack of engagement.

Now consider the shared narrative issue - players are more likely to rank a shared narrative game as fun simply because the system engages them and is more likely to produce a vested interest in enjoying the game. So while a good GM will produce an excellent gaming experience, a moderately skilled GM with an excellent group of players also will rank high as well.

What this means is a GM who choses to use a traditional game and works that much harder to engage the players so that they enjoy the game just as much is automatically disadvantaged by choice of system - which shouldn't be allowed to affect the GM's ranking.

So what is the solution?

Possible solutions for competitive gaming


Well there are number. Firstly, I propose that we need to keep from seperating or banning games. System should not be an issue. So it comes down to producing a scoring system that best accounts for the imbalance in games and focuses on how well a GM is getting the players to engage in the game. After all, if fun is the point of the scoring- then we need to be able to effectively identify when it is the GM's skill that is producing the fun in the game as opposed to luck of the draw with players.

Now we can't do this perfectly, obviously, but there are a number of possible ways to better lessen the chance of a random win.

Firstly, a fixed scale. It's the first rule of building a scale such as Kapcon uses, and it really ought to have been instigated from the get go. It clearly lays out to the attendees how the counters are interpreting the numbers and lessens the X and Y players issue. It wont perfectly, fix it - there is still a chance that X will rank lower and Y will rank higher - but it does protect the convention from accusations of a faulty system and puts the responsibility clearly and unarguably in the attendees hands. If they truly enjoyed a game ranked it as "very good" and not "excellent" then they have no reason to gripe if that GM doesn't win.

Secondly, adjust the scoring to better identify GM skill and remove the player variable. There are a number of ways of doing this. One way is to simply ask "Did the GM achieve the following?" asking players to tick each correct answer, totalling the ticks to get a score. Another is to have a scale of numbers with 1 = I wasn't interested to 7 = the GM got everyone involved and enjoying the game.

Another solution that doesn't remove the player variable, but still provides a clearer idea of how to score while better dealing with the X Y issue is to rank the game in words, applying a numerical value secretly that only the organisers need to use to identify a winner. This would be simply: Was the game - Poor (numerical value = 1) Average (numerical value = 2) Good (numerical value =3) Excellent (numerical value =4). Then you can have a commentary section below or a second "tie-breaker" question of "mark off the words that represent things the GM did to make the game fun..."

Ideally it is a combination of these systems that can produce a very simple, quick to fill in, sheet that is both fair and a more accurate scoring system.

As of this date it is unlikely that Kapcon will change its system dramatically, although there has been comment of making the scale have fixed values - which is a good first step. However I suspect it wont resolve all the issues because it doesn't really account for the XYplayer issue or the imbalance of how a GM is engaging the players versus the players producing their own fun and scoring a game high because of their work rather than the GMs.

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Nothing at the moment...
Currently Playing: Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood: Taking on unfairness with reasonable force!


Testing times...

So it's my first Statistics test tonight. *whew* I've done a bit of study into regression and so on, but it's really a case of waiting and seeing what gets thrown at us now. *sigh*

Financially, I only have two days of work this week, so it's leaving me disturbingly short on cash next week - this week is fine, but with a large phone bill due in a fortnight, I'm a little stressy - so that's got me thinking about how to resolve the situation. One way is to clear out my RPG collection.

Some people look at me in shock when I suggest selling my property to cover bills, but I have a remarkably loose view on that. I believe that if I let go of things I haven't used, I make room for new things that I will use. Maybe one day I'll be happy to become a pack rat, but for now - if I don't use it, why keep it?

I need to think about bills, and about the games and DVDs that I will use as well. So I've put up a big list on NZRAG of things I'm offering for sale or trade with other gamers. Maybe that will help.

I briefly considered extending my overdraft - but I'd rather not have to borrow more money to help survive what is only going to be a couple of weeks of inconvenience.

It all really comes down to my not planning my budget more carefully about a fortnight ago. So it's mea culpa - no one to blame but myself. :) Still, I will eventually get on top of things.

All in all, I am feeling better today and I think I'm beginning to get some perspective on my situation and what I want...

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Not much right now...
Currently Playing: Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood:Ready to take on Stats!


Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Strawberry Kiss Kiss

Well I'm currently listening to some old 80s/90s Anime music - from Tokyo Babylon. It's actually pretty cool. :) Yes, you heard me right. :D

So today has been a pretty relaxed day for me - lectures, no tests, conversation and anime music. I feel like I'm on the verge of crossing out of this reality into a television series of some sort. I wonder what a television show about me would be called...

Anyway - it's all thanks to the wonders of ipod. BUY IPOD.

While I was wandering up to University who should I bump into but the adorable Nick. Not the other Nick, but Nick. Y'know, with the birthday coming up. You know who I mean.

Now Nick has been so absent as to almost reach James Plunkett status of absence. Now in the case of James he was, somewhat prematurely, declared dead and thus promptly started to be seen by a number of crazed people who hadn't been informed of his recent demise. Least of all, James, who was somewhat surprised when he returned to the gaming scene and scared about ten types of shite out of Luke.

Anyway, Nick has had the benefit of his Bad Ass Loner who Lives by his Own Rules (known in Psychology as the BALOR Condition) and so is more able to disappear from society for long periods of time. After all, he's a badass and a loner.

In fact he has gotten into the habit of standing on the roof of the Ibis Hotel staring pensively at the cityscape like some character out of Final Fantasy... but I digress...

We chatted for a while about Uni, Exalted and other such mundanity. It was great. I always have time for Nick, he's a really good guy who is always fun to talk to. We chatted about his upcoming birthday, and then about the plans for running Exalted on Mondays.

After realising I was going to be late for my lecture, I regretfully had to end the conversation and wandered up to the University, where I learnt that I'm still floundering in Developmental Psych, but I'm still in a position to recover - it's going to be a very busy holiday break for me over easter. :)

The lecture for research methods was okay, and when it was over I popped on my Ipod and listened to "The Flame" from "Requiem from the Darkness" - yep, another anime.

Now I'm relaxing at home before heading off to WARGS. I'm listening to some music from Scryed on my Apple ibook g4 and feeling kind of warm inside. I got two promising candidates from that crazy dating site - so I might be going on some dates soon, you can be sure that I will give an update on those.

They do look kind of promising -

One is a very adventurous American who sounds like a real fun guy to be around. He's into Go - which is fantastic, I love that game. Just not that good at it - luckily neither is he, so we could practice together. He sounds like the kind of intelligent guy I would be attracted to. Also has a good passion for physical stuff - which it would be great to have a partner for gym etc.

The other is a more gentle and shy sounding guy - he sounds like quite a saint, working with charities and social groups. Intelligent and potentially a caring sort, he is almost the complete opposite - but a bit of gym goer. Again, someone that I could see myself getting on with.

So it looks good - and right on time too with holidays coming up, extra work and a chance to really hang out and have a good time. :)

Catch y'all later!

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Exalted 2e
Currently Playing: Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood: Perky and upbeat.


Monday, April 03, 2006

...well that was unexpected!

First of all - it's my one hundreth post! Woop woop!

Before I ruminate on 100 posts of Stream of Consciousness, I would like to give an update about events - after all, that was what inspired me to post.

The test went better than planned. My self-doubt and anxiety washed away when I saw the first question and realised I knew the answer. I'd like to say I aced it, but I know of at least two answers I got wrong, but I am confident that I will pass it and get a better mark than I did in Developmental Psych. Which also means that I am aware that if I focus, I will do well still.

One Hundred Posts of Stream of Consciousness


Wow. I have been a regular poster on this blog, haven't I?

Stream of Consciousness began as a response to the now defunct About Town blog. While I was flatting in Tutanekai, my politically minded flatmates started up a reasonably regular blog that eschewed their liberal views about New Zealand and the world in general along with discussions on events in their own lives.

Inspired to be a part of this growing global phenomenon, and slightly egged on by Tristan, I started Stream of Consiousness without a clear idea of what it would be about. The blog's name is taken from an old column I used to write for The Gaming Outpost where I waffled on about various gaming issues. Not a lot remains of my articles there, but my rant about minority representation in roleplaying is still floating around on their site.

Initially I steered away from discussing too much about my feelings, I didn't really want SoC to become a whinge blog where I constantly bemoaned my problems. Then, for a brief period I moved over to my friend's Nik's site to try and give his site a bit more material.

Eventually, while I was looking at buying the Playground, SoC came back online. Not long after all this a lot of heavy issues began to weigh on me, and so SoC changed to reflect that.

Then I left it for a while.

Upon moving to Wellington and moving into Hataitai, I was particularly interested one evening in the prevalence of blogs amongst the Wellington crowd and so found myself writing on SoC again.

Again, as stresses mounted, SoC changed to reflect that. It has become a kind of dumping ground for my thoughts and feelings - as evidenced by today.

But it is also, I feel, a way for me to communicate the kind of information that I have had trouble expressing in real life. The benefit of just streaming out my thoughts and feelings manages, in a way, to free me of them.

So Stream of Consciousness is both autobiographical and therapeutic at the same time.

Where to now? Well I wish I could say it will be wittier, snazzier and faster. But I suspect that SoC will remain somewhat up and down in its tone.

The future is yet to be written, and I'm still battling to regain my optimism. I think it will be a successful campaign, but there is so much to heal and fix following my departure from Auckland. I remain confident though that I will find my way - and that through SoC you will be able to be there with me, and maybe in seeing my journey you might find something to help you on your own...

Nietzsche once said that you should live your life as if it were an epic novel. The point being that to be truly satisfied with your life, give it meaning. I hope to live up to those words.

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Nothing! YAY!
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood: Feeling much better...


Self-doubt, Love and Wit

I do wish that sometimes I could be wittier. It's not that I lack the skill or ability - but rather that I don't just act witty anymore. Too much introspective thinking, I suspect.

Today I realised that the test I was preparing for is on Wednesday, and that the test I thought was on Wednesday is today. It has left me somewhat disillusioned with my own ability - I have missed a couple of lectures, but it would seem that I haven't taken anything in. Stats I totally rock in, but Developmental Psych and Research just haven't been able to grab me the way I thought they ought to.

What is wrong with me?

I'd love to be able to be light and witty about the whole thing and just blow it off as my being all wacky and silly. To be able to do the study and just laugh off on Blog how it is. But it is feeling like a heavy weight on my shoulders - I need to be decisive, and I can't do it. I'm not stablising as much as I thought I would once I got into the study.

I'm allowing myself to be distracted by the things I do love - and I'm realising, I really really want to be that game store owner. Because I'm realising that is when I am happy - giving advice and helping.

So I should be paying more attention in Psych so I can do that on a more productive level than just helping people buy games - but something is holding me back. I try to do my readings, and I just don't take anything in. Maybe I have crap study skills.

Or maybe I have that little self-discipline.

I worry about my debts, I worry about money, I keep thinking about how I could be working full-time and be able to buy things that would be fun to play with.

And I realise - none of it actually is true.

Sure, I'd love to buy more anime and rpgs. But it's all just me trying to distract myself.

I wish I was more witty.

I wish I could write again.

I wish I understood why my brain hurts when I try to focus on something.

I wish I didn't feel like there was something seriously wrong with me.

I don't get how I became like this. How I became so caught in limbo.

See, everything was working out for me - I had a good job that was leading somewhere, I was beginning to save money and I was even on the verge of starting to write.

Then I just exploded.

Boom. All the pain and hurt just rushed in and everything good burnt up. So I moved and got away from it all to try and start again. But I didn't have a plan, and when I got here everything changed so quickly, I had no idea what to do and before I knew it - I was having a break-down.

Now, I'm still floating without a clear idea of what I want to do. I want to write. But I need money. I want a job, but I don't want to be in some meaningless role that is going nowhere. I want to run a gamestore - but I need money.

Why did I take psychology? Because I wanted to upskill and get into a field that would allow me to help people. Then why am I not studying properly?

The thing is, I don't hate myself. I don't think anything bad of who I am, really. That's the thing. I wish I was more witty - but I'm not heart-broken that I'm not. The thing is... I'm not a leader. I want to be, and often I end up taking charge when other people spend time mucking about. But when I'm on my own - I can't direct myself. I need someone there to push me along.

Why can't I fall in love?

There are people out there who like me and want to be with me, but I don't feel the same. Why?

Why is it that I haven't learnt that the people I like don't like me? It's a mistake I have made since I was 17. I still make it.

I need to be with someone witty, someone eloquent, someone who is a bit kooky and someone who is full of love.

I need love right now. Because while I love myself, it feels like being the guy with the umbrella hoping to ward off a hurricane.

I'm allowing myself to be torn in so many directions and I just can't bring my mind to bear on anything. That kind of thinking leads to depression and failure. Yet I seem to almost welcome it.

Why can't I be witty?

Yes, there is something I'm saying here without saying it. My biggest fear is to actually express what I want. Because it never leads to anything other than more suffering.

Life is suffering - the buddhists had that one right. I desired something, and I suffer still because of it. Not because of anyone's fault other than my own. I suffer still because I keep desiring things and I can't bring my mind to rest in the present.

I need to be held.

I need to be comforted.

I need to be...

I need to feel that I'm not alienating myself from everything and everyone.

And I need to feel that I have a future.

When I am alone, I think about what it will be like in the future. At the moment, I am haunted by the words "he died alone."

Which is pretty melodramatic. I'm certainly not going to race out and hook up with just anyone now. But I am being honest. I am haunted by self-doubt today. I have been for the last month or so. And that is contributing to my study problem. I shoudl have joined a study group or something. That would have helped. When I'm explaining what I learnt to someone else, it sticks in my head too. It also helps me to spot where I haven't learnt something.

But here, now. I feel empty and all I read is just a long stream of gibberish about Quantitative and Qualitative research.

I'm not looking for nice words to make me feel better.

I'm looking to actually be better. And that is a much tougher proposition.

I want to run my own game store. But I have no capital.

I don't think I want to be at University anymore.

And yet - none of that is actually true.

The one thing I want. The one thing that makes me suffer and worry, the thing that distracts me.

It remains the thing that cannot be fixed with nice words, money or all the dvds and games in the world.

But what can I do?

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Methods in Behavioural Research
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood:Life is Suffering


Sunday, April 02, 2006

Blogs, Friends, Exalted, and more loopiness

What is it about me and anyone called Alex?

Within the last few days I have found out that Lex and Xander both had crushes on me, Alex (who apparently everyone thought I was dating, I wasn't.) is coming down to Wellington in a couple of months for a training exercise.

If I was more of a superstitious man, I'd think something was going on... :) But it probably has more to do with being at a club with so many people called Alex there. It's kind of like Wellington with all it's Nicks. :) Not to say that I'm likely to be getting into any such situations with any Nicks in the near future - you're all safe guys. :D

Moving right along...

I've added a new blog to my links - halfcatfacelose is my brother, Henley's blog. If there is one person on this planet who can always make me laugh or feel better - it's Henley. Despite all things apparent, he's a pretty on to it guy.

Which reminds me that I was certain that I was going to put someone else's blog on my list too - but I can't remember who they were. So anyone whose blog isn't on my list and is a good and close friend - send me your blogs and I'll rectify the matter soon. :)

Last night saw Nick (lol), James, Luke, Paul, Sam and I giving the new Exalted 2e a run for its money. While the scenario was a demo one and not an academy award winning plot - it was LOADS of fun.

There are some cool things to note:

  • The Ticks system, while seeming complicated, is actually pretty straight forward in actual play. It also prevents the person with the highest initiative from just owning the battle, rather there is a benefit to thinking tactically. Going first is less valuable if you have a large weapon that takes a lot of time to use. There is a benefit to thinking about how your speed will place you later in the fight as simultaneous actions all happen at the same time - meaning that even if you kill an opponent there is still a chance he can kill you. This leads to some very cool sequences like when there ended up a tick pile-up around the third turn where virtually everyone was going at once - it was AWESOME!

  • Social Combat has a lot of potential for some very cool tricks and sequences. Luke described a great character concept that uses Social Combat to wear down an opponent before a fight - essentially the opponent is so convinced that Luke's PC is the coolest thing on earth that the opponent doesn't really have the will to fight. :D

  • The charms for solars are just rocking now. Some are virtually unchanged, but most have nice subtle tweaks. The use of Excellencies is very cool.

  • Animas, antagonists... *drool* this is just an awesome game all around!



  • Well I met E's girlfriend on Friday. She's quite cute and very friendly - and struck me as being the sort of personality that would suit E. to a tea.

    Then, E. starts flirting again. I sometimes wonder if he's even aware that he's doing it! Like, it seems to just be his natural state of being - flirtatious. Or maybe it's just that I'm being flirtatious and he's responding - I don't know which is worse. All very confusing - on a cerebral level I'm thinking "yep, just leave it. It's just good natured fun." On an emotional level though - at the subconscious point - I'm thinking "what?! Huh?! But?! Where?! I don't get it! Hug me!" lol.

    I think my subconscious is feeling a little underappreciated. :D

    Anyhoop - enough of my bizarre ramblings...

    I have two tests to prepare for - so I will catch y'all later. :D

    Love and Huggles

    Conan

    Currently Reading: Research Methods
    Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
    Mood:Determined to do well in my tests!