Isolation and Community

I'm thinking a lot about isolation at the moment. It seems to be a recurring theme in my life. One of the things that is often overlooked by people in relationships is that being single is about being isolated. For some people it is a comfortable situation because you can't really be hurt and it is easy to become comfortable in the lifestyle.

I remember how in The Celestine Prophecy one of the core concepts behind it was about how people were a dichotomy of individuality combined with community. Essentially we are all individual entities, but through community we individually manage to develop and grow.

The Universe is all about change and development.

Essentially the idea is that by meeting and sharing thoughts with people, we change through our individual differences.

Thus isolation is really the abode of the conservative who fears to change themselves. The irony being that we can never cease being ourselves - all the material that makes us who we are can change, but the person at its core is still the same person. We can be hardcore anarchists one day but become born-again christians the next.

At the moment I feel isolated.

I'm partially to blame for this - I'm experiencing some emotions that are making me want to distance myself a little. Nothing negative, but rather I'm filled with too much love and nowhere for it to go. Yep - I'm sure some people were waiting to see how long it would take for me to mention that again.

I'm finding it hard to explain how I'm feeling without sounding creepy or desperate or something that doesn't sound right when I write it down.

I want to talk about my feelings, but I don't really know what to say without saying the totally wrong thing.

Part of my issue is that I want to be a part of something. What drew me down to Wellington was the sense of community. I love that the roleplaying community here is so in touch with each other. In some ways it feels like a large (slightly dysfunctional) family. I like that.

But I want to be a part of my own "family." That problem is still not being solved. Now I'm about to tackle a business that is even more isolated. Me, a computer and that's it.

I wish I didn't have some of these feelings that are filling me with doubt.

And I wish I could fall for someone who was actually going to fall for me too. I seem to make that mistake a lot. Falling for someone who wont return those feelings or will use my affection to their advantage...

Not really depressed right now, just feeling... tired.

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: The Reality Dysfunction/GURPS 4e
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood: Still thinking about things...