Approach of the New Year

Just letting you all know that I have altered comments so that anyone can leave them. We'll see how that pans out. :)

So Merry Christmas to everyone, I hope you all had a good christmas.

Mine was, to say the least, interesting. I travelled up to Auckland, hung out with Mum and my brother and had a pretty good time.

I also got to catch up with a number of friends from Auckland, which was a blast. They were all doing well, and I got a lot of help with my plans for the future.

Bought HEAPS of stuff - including the complete series of American Gothic (Review on that later on this week) - and it was great to be up there for a while. I also was convinced as to why I love Wellington. Auckland is a crazy, humid place and there just felt like something was lacking.

So I had my "I heart Wellington" badge on my sleeve pretty much. :)

I also had some upsetting news. Nothing world shattering, and some people know what I'm talking about.

It seems that the main reason Alex hasn't responded to the occassional text from me is because he has taken it upon himself that it best serves my interests to cut all contact. Without giving me any heads up.

That hurt. A lot.

What hurt more was that some people knew, and also knew that I was concerned as to why I wasn't hearing back from him - and chose to not only with-hold the information, but outright lie to me and say that they didn't know what was going on.

That hurt even more.

It also showed how much those people don't know me.

So I'm respecting Alex's failure to close the book on this sorry saga - leaving doesn't end it, that's what I learnt when he came down here.

I love Alex. That is never going to change. I'm trying to move on, but when shit like this happens - it makes it harder, not easier. If he had simply had the balls to call me and say something, finish it properly - then we could have moved on. He has always tried to hedge his bets.

Maybe one day we will bump into each other and be able to just be friends. I hope that will be the case.

But for now, it is the lack of honesty and the failure to communicate or respect my ability to handle things that upsets me most.

I deserve better treatment than that.

So with the New Year approaching, I have some resolutions:

1. Get a Novel written by the end of 2007.
2. See Evin Shir Games grow.
3. Further my career path.
4. Fall in love with someone who understands who I am and respects me.

I have so many bright things to look forward to in the New Year - I'm turning my eyes to those and I'm going to be trying to put all this stupid pain behind me.

I am a better person than Alex gives me credit for. It is clear to me now that he never knew me. Nor did any of his friends.

I am so much more than these people realise. That is something I learnt with my friends up in Auckland these holidays and with my friends down here over the last year.

So take care and here is to a very Happy New Year.

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: China Mieville's Looking for Jake
Currently Playing: Exalted: Nexus of the Sun
Mood:Contemplative
(Thoughtful Menchi)

Well I'm not too sure how accurate this is - but it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. :)











Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Nothing
Currently Playing: Exalted: Nexus of the Sun
Mood Warm and fuzzy like

Transformation and Change

I don't really have a heck of a lot to talk about today. I'm still working on my thoughts and thinking about the various little issues that have been arising recently.

Firstly there is my business. ESG is slowly gaining momentum - but it is a difficult juggling act most of the time. Trying to keep stock coming in fast enough to then deliver it to customers is tricky. Worst, though, is when some customers think they can haggle. I had one guy e-mail me and try to convince me to send him two boardgames at a price that was lower than the retail before adding freight - and he wanted me to pay the freight as well.

I may need new business - but not that kind of new business. I was shocked at the balls of this guy to ask for a price that was clearly robbery - the cost of buying the two products plus the freight at the price I normally charge would have still been lower than going into his local store and buying them off the shelf.

I've been enjoying the gym, but wish I could get fitter faster. :D I just feel a bit fugly with my belly. Sure, it isn't as big as most people, and my body fat rating is okay - but I want to be back to where I was a year ago - slim and getting toned. :) Still, it isn't that far away - I should be well on my way by late Jan - early Feb. :)

That's all for now, folks! :) Catch you later!

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: The Mandate of Heaven
Currently Playing: Exalted: Nexus of the Sun
Mood: Feeling upbeat and excited...

Review Time: Children of Men

Wow.

Just wow.

Children of Men is most likely the best film of 2006. Harrowing, Challenging, Satirical, Touching, Brutal - this film was just absolutely stunning to watch.

Most of all, this is a movie that doesn't fail to elicit some emotional response.

Set in Britain in the year 2027, we find the world on the brink of collapse. Something has made all the women in the world infertile. No children have been born for 18 years, and humanity is caught in the grip of despair. Paranoia and violence is rife, and Britain - one of the few surviving points of civilisation in the world (and this is a very loose use of civilisation at times...) has become an island fortress - immigrants being shipped off to refugee camps that are like a cross between Abu Graib and New York from Escape from New York.

Theo Furon, played beautifully understated by Clive Owen, is an everyman Briton who finds himself caught up in the politics of a anti-government organisation called The Fishers, thanks to his ex-wife Julian. (Played by Julianne Moore.)

He soon discovers that the Fishers have in their care a young refugee who happens to miraculously be the first pregnant woman in 18 years. He agrees to help them get her into the care of a mysterious faction known as The Human Project - a group who is somehow trying to save humanity.

The events that follow are filmed in an almost documentary manner, with many long takes that just keep running for the length of the action - giving the film a truly unrelenting feeling.

However where many other such movies like 28 Days Later and 1984 just hammered the bleakness home, Alfonso Curon manages to inject a real sense of humanity into the movie. The characters are human and try to make the best of their situation. They joke, they cry - we see these people as real, injecting subtle humour into even the most desperate moments.

This is, to me, the movie's greatest strength. That the idea of hope is not explicitly spoken about all the time, but rather shown to us through the character's and how they react to the events around them. Despite the despair and horror, there is hope that maybe things can work out. Ironically this also leaves the movie open to interpretation. Some people will see the hopeful and just assume that things will lead to a soppy ending. Others will see only bleakness.

To me the film was painfully realistic. It has almost surreal moments that then get crushed by the reality of the situation.

Some have criticised how much is left unexplained in the movie - but I felt that this ambiguity is what makes the movie so realistic. In real life we don't have all the answers. It is implausible that a working class guy would happen to know the exact reasons why all the women in the world went infertile; or if the government is truly working against the people or not.

None of that is really the point of this movie. What it is about is the people in the story. What they decide and where it leads them.

I could just rave on and on about this film. But rather than do that - and inadvertantly spoil it - I will simply say you must see this movie. It is the best film of the year. No doubt about it.

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Iron Kingdoms: Liber Mechanika; Ptolus
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood: Impressed by this film!

New and Improved ranting for the masses!

So a lot has been going on recently. My birthday - which was a complete blast - the business slowly taking off the ground (seems to be a perpetual thing), work and dramas in general.

As you will note, I've decided to update the site - because Blogger has changed format I thought it was time to make a few other changes to keep in line with it all.

Yay for Blogger! (So totally kicks LJ's ass. :P)

Anyhoop - you will notice that currently there is no poll. As I get to grips with the new features, some things will change. But it is all for the best.

In other news, I went and saw The Departed last night. Wow. What a brutal movie. It got me thinking about violence and how so many people mistakenly believe that it is a solution. The Departed, ironically, showed how it does nothing but beget even more violence. (Which may have been the point. :) )

I say this because I have heard a number of people talk about bringing violence to people who have upset them, and meaning it. I really do wish there was a way to explain why it doesn't work. But a lot of people seem to be incapable of looking at the long-view of things.

Anyhoop - I have a lot to get done today before I go to the gym for my training session. Woot! Woot! Conan is going to get fit! :)

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Ptolus
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion; The Secret of Zir'An
Mood: Feeling pretty upbeat today!

Countdown

Wow.

Tomorrow I'm a year older. I've been living in Wellington for over a year now, and I looked at myself in the mirror the other day and realised how things have been since I moved here.

I've put on weight. Wow. Something that happens every blue moon for me. :)

So I've signed up for the gym with the intention of getting back into shape soon.

But my birthday,

Wow.

I had hoped that things would have been different in my life by this point. When I was younger I just had this idea that by this age I'd be in a job I loved, had a home... Not that I'm intending to go all emo, but I certainly didn't expect to find myself in the position that I'm in at the moment.

So what do I want for my birthday?

In no particular order:

- Humanity to get a clue.
- World Peace
- A Playstation 2
- A Wii
- A television for the PS2 & Wii.
- What the heck, an Xbox 360 too...
- Love
- Understanding of the meaning of the universe, without going crazy in the process
- New running shoes
- MORE SERIES 3 DUNNIES!
- George Bush realising that he isn't the chosen of God.
- Brian Tamaki realising he works for Satan
- $10,000 towards upgrading my business
- My own house

Yeah, the list could go on. :D

Still, I'm going to be having a birthday dinner with some of my closest friends in Welly present. I expect it is going to be a blast! :)

See y'all there!

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: The Newspaper
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion, The Secret of Zir'An
Mood: Fairly content

Review Time: The War on Terror

To quote Monty Python "and now for something completely different..."

Long time readers of this blog may be surprised to see me doing a review of the War on Terror - but with the recent developments in the US regarding Iraq and US torture, I'm inclined to give a brief look over things as a warm up to discussion.

Prior to 9/11 I remember having a conversation with my friend James S. In that conversation I mentioned that America's cultural attitude was going too far and was going to have bad repurcussions. James was adamant that no-one would be stupid enough to attack America. I pointed out that if someone was pissed off enough, they'd find a way.

The thing is, we all believed America to be an unstoppable force. When the planes struck the world trade centre it took a while for people to even accept that it was a deliberate act.

So where has this led us? I also told James that when Bush was put into power that there would be a war in our time. This was a no-brainer. Prior to becoming president, Bush had a reputation as being a warmonger - he was an old-school republican who like to rattle the sabre in favour of US.

The resulting war on terror has been an ill conceived, mishandled, clumsy and foolish errand. It is easy to blame the Bush administration for how it handled things, but the reality (I feel) lies deeper. It lies in the US culture where America refuses to understand that they are not the only people in the world.

It lies in how the terrorists live in equally blind cultures that feel that they are the exceptions to the rule that everyone is equal.

I agree with many analysts who have said that since the War of Terror began, the world has become less safe. There once was a time when thinking about going on a trip overseas was something we readily planned - now even going to the US is considered risky.

We are scared. We know we are dealing with people who have absolutely no respect for life because they have bought into an idea that something is "greater."

But how can we hope to overcome the horror that fanatics bring to our doorstep when the people supposedly defending us are being equally fanatic. The Coalition may not be using acts of terror, but they are using acts of blind violence. They hold PoWs without making any effort to figure out who is innocent and who is guilty.

This war did not need to happen. There were other options - but instead terrorism has become an excuse for people to pursue political agendas for obscure gains.

I fear that this lifetime may bring worse things to us. What is the solution?

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Exalted 2e
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion, The Secret of Zir'An
Mood: Wondering about the future...
(Thoughtful Menchi)

Review Time: Lost Season 2

Well I'm about half-way through Lost Season 2 now and I hav to admit - it's pretty fricking awesome. The creators have created a wonderful distraction regarding the Island in the form of the Others.

A majority of the season is about establishing boundaries, from what I can tell. The Island's "rules" are being explored - what it can and can't do, what is kind of going on... in the process, there have been some odd inconsistencies - or hints that the whole DHARMA link is not what it seems.

On one level it seems to be shaping up into a battle between the Good and Evil within all of us - with many of the characters becoming nastier and less likeable as they are forced into doing things that they wouldn't have done before. The gilligan's island type tone of the survivors is beginning to buckle against the greed and desperation of some of the group.

This is quite cool.

I still want to find out what the HELL is going on, and while it is fun to speculate - I certainly wouldn't want season three to be more of the same. Season two is doing a good job of moving the story along and dropping a great number of hints about what is happening. But I'm not buying the whole "it's not supernatural" theme that some people are thinking. There are too many coincidences and moments in the character's flashbacks that say to me that something much deeper is at play here.

But it certainly is fun getting there. :)

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Exalted 2e
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion, The Secret of Zir'An
Mood: Feeling pretty darned good!

Broken Hearts, Hope and Thought

I've been trying to think about what I want to discuss at the moment. See, I recently saw "The Broken Hearts Club" which was a curious film for a number of reasons. First of all was the number of high-profile heterosexual hollywood actors playing gay men in it. The second being how it accurately portrayed the rather banal condition of gay life, but in a humourous way.

Essentially it is the proto Will & Grace. Except that the men in Broken Hearts actually have active love lives shown to us. It was unusual to see Dean Cain macking on the cute guy from 10 Things I Hate About You. Hot, but weird at the same time.

Still TBHC got me thinking about how it is so true that media supports some strange stereotypes about gay life. According to television and film, most gay people are promiscuous and ticking time bombs who will inevitably get AIDS. Either that, or they are notoriously asexual camp people who are constantly droll.

Now that's not to say that there aren't gay men out there like that - but it is such a false representation of what it means to be gay.

Most gay guys I have met are a bit more boring than that. In a good way. :)

While there are a number of gay men out there who obsess about sex - even when they say they don't - there are also guys who just rather watch DVDs or hang out with mates.

Where is all this going? Well it meant that I was feeling better about being single. Seeing a film that didn't obsess on the negatives of being gay - the whole "I can't find love and a friend is gay and I will end up alone because being gay is SOOOO HARD..." genre of gay movie really pisses me off.

Yes, gay men are more likely to suffer heart-break - that's because there are very few role models to follow regarding dating and relationships. Someone recently pointed out to me how amusing it was to see people saying "Looking for someone my age or younger..." when you consider it - if you want someone 10 years younger than you to date you, you better be ready to date someone 10 years older. It's only fair. :)

This used to piss me off - that guys my age or a bit older than me would only go out with 18-25 year olds. I mean, sure, I like me some young guys too. But I've met some hot 35 year olds, and a couple of good looking 40 years olds. (OMG, it really hits home how old I am when I'm thinking "40 is an okay age..." :D )

Seriously though - the film convinced me that there is still hope of finding love.

I have to dash now - but I just wanted to say - love is not lost. It is still out there for us all. HUGS!

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Nothing right now...
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion, The Secret of Zir'An
Mood: Feeling happy and good.

Review Time: Lost Season 1

So I've finally started watching Lost again. I missed parts of the first season and never really got to see the second - so it has been pretty cool catching up with the series.

Initially I had felt that Lost was getting made up as the creators went along with the script. It just had too much happening and came across as a bit too ambitious. But upon watching through again, it really is a series that rewards repeat viewing.

Having said that, I still can't shake the feeling that the creators don't really know what is happening on the Island. Of course I'll need to see the second season to see if anything more is revealed. Henley, my brother, mentions that by the end of the second season you have a pretty solid idea of what is actually happening on the island. We'll have to wait and see...

Thematically, Lost is very clever. There are often clever little tie-ins between characters and their flashbacks, and you do need to be watching closely all the time to catch every little detail. I love that about the show. Just seeing how people crossover - even through the subtler links. (For example I just finished watching the episode "Numbers" where Hurley is revealed to be the owner of the company John Locke worked for. It is simply a throw away line between him and his accountant.)

The constant challenge of Luck versus Fate makes an interesting theme to explore, with the multiple serendipitous relationships hinting at some greater plan in action between the characters.

My only concern is that if everything happens in the series for a reason, certain events come across as somewhat harsh. It will be very intriguing to find out the truth of the series. I do feel that Lost has about one season left before it becomes simply too frustrating.

Hurley: I'm happy to be along for the ride, but now I want some frigging answers!

The problem with a mystery is that eventually you have to reveal it. The 4400 is a series that understands this and manages to keep some secrets while revealing the Big Question early, and in the process making another Big Question. (Now that we know who took the Abductees and why they were taken, what happens next? What is the big catastrophe? Can those who took them be trusted to be telling the truth?)

In Lost it feels as though the creators are playing things too closely to their chests. Multiple red-herrings, fake-outs and building mystery ends up overwhelming the viewer to the point of asking "who gives a shit?"

I nearly got to that point by the end of the first season which ended on a cliff-hanger that revealed absolutely frigging nothing. Instead I just had more questions.

Reports on the third season suggest that viewers agree with me - viewing ratings have dropped. I'm a season behind, so hopefully 2 will provide some answers to the big questions, and show that the series is moving forwards rather than circling around like a big tease.

Five seasons, the planned arc of the creators, strikes me as a bit too ambitious. Unless they pull finger and start really exposing the truth of the series in Season 3...

Here's hoping. :)

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: The Secret of Zir'An
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion, The Secret of Zir'An
Mood: Feeling pretty good!

Roleplaying thoughts

It all began with Gametime Livejournal.

I've written a lot in my time about roleplaying and ethics. The last few years have seen my writing take a downturn - much of this is due to my currently considering my position regarding the hobby.

See, I am not a big fan of The Forge and it's theorists. Gaming theory often comes across to me as populist and poorly structured. Ron Edwards may have been the grand-daddy of indie roleplaying and have some cool system ideas, but his philosophy is often a poorly built hodge-podge of popular philosophical terms that have then been poorly interepreted and slapped together with concepts that "sound" like they fit.

It is such theory, and the recent rise in the popularity of certain indie games that has got me thinking more about my stance. Where do I stand?

Personally I have an intuitive dislike of much roleplaying theory - particularly from the Forge. It rarely is well thought out, but I think it is more to do with the delivery. A lot of game theorists are too evangelical. They have a passion and a desire to see games as something more than just entertainment. They want to explore deeper and further.

Yet I often feel that it is a bunch of thirty-somethings trying to justify why they enjoy playing.

Very few of them actually do any research into what philosophers or sociologists or psychologists have said about gaming and its benefits. They instead choose to create their own terminology and rely heavily on anecdotal musings. It is poor structure.

Don't even get me started on the social contract bug-bear. (Nothing pisses me off more than hearing people talk about "the gaming contract.")

On the plus side, more games are introducing an actual gaming contract session at the beginning of gameplay - which works to mollify my innate fury at the term getting bandied around.

But I do have a serious aggression towards much of this musing. And I think it is because I genuinely don't believe it. I find it to be so much mental wankery. I've studied a lot of philosophers and musings on what those philosophers said, so I am intimately familiar with intellectual masturbation.

Take, for example, Nietzsche and Sartre. It is amazing how many people just haven't understood a thing these people said, and yet will spout absolute shite about "Will to Power" and "Existentialism."

So where's the problem? I clearly hate RPG theory.

But that's the thing. I don't. I do think that it is important to think about roleplaying. But one needs to be a bit more... honest to oneself about the goal. And also a little more realistic.

Gaming can be very insightful, but to treat it as some holy transformative experience is going too far. Also it is important to remember that just as you expect people to listen to you and be open to what you say you must accept that others will want the same in return, and will most likely disagree with good reason.

When I write about roleplaying, I often go to great lengths to stress that I am expressing my opinion. But sometimes it is easy to forget that and just get caught up in the excitement of an idea.

So where do I stand?

For me roleplaying is about having fun - first and foremost. Depending on my mood will depend on the kind of fun I want. I don't want to just tell kick-ass stories. I don't want to always have an intense gaming experience. MOST OF ALL I don't believe that any intense gaming is inherent in any game. This is the most vital thing to me.

Intense gaming comes from the synchronicity of good players and GM. It's something that can't be reproduced on demand. That is probably what lies at the core of my issue with many indie gamers - they are under the impression that the game is producing the effect, when it really is the play group themselves.

Yes, some games can better facilitate this - but it is the group who makes or breaks a game. Take Exalted for example. I personally think the system is utter shit. But I love the game because the setting inspires me to run games that my players love. What makes the games a success though are the players. Exalted would not be so cool without Fraser's Kichorei, or Stephanie's Hotaru or Salvaza. It is the players who make a game intense.

Games like Primetime Adventures will work for some groups and situations, but not all. I have seen PTA tank more often because it created an expectation. Much like the story of the movie being so hyped that it never lived up to its own promotional material, indie games often fall victim to the same thing. When that synchronicity isn't present due to factors such as tiredness, conflicting players or the numerous other factors - then a game will fail to spark. In the case of hyped games like PTA and Burning Empires, this failure to spark can make the game feel even worse than normal. Usually when a game isn't sparking I find it can still be revived. But in games like PTA, I have seen failure to spark result in rather hostile responses.

I have yet to have a fixed view of gaming. I like to keep my mind open, but I do know that I have biases. But ultimately, I feel that I am meeting more and more people who seem to have this need to justify why they play. They go on these quests to find some reason beyond "to have fun."

That, to me, is a fool's errand. I have no problem admitting that I just want to enjoy myself and have a good time with friends. If I have a truly intense experience in the process - great. Sure, I'd like to talk about why that is so, but I never want to lose sight of why I started playing in the first place. To have fun.

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: The Secret of Zir'An
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood: Musing about gaming in general

Another day, another dollar

Morning everyone!

Well I'm feeling pretty good this morning, quite perky and happy.

Business is picking up. Not quite as fast as I would like, but fast enough for me to keep pace - which is better than having a huge inundation of orders. :)

Exalted last night was pretty fun, and today I'm feeling quite good. I'm hoping that the world is going to continue providing things to look forward to today. I might even ask cute internet cafe guy what his name is today. :D

I'm still buzzing from MEGAROLEPLAYING last weekend - it really helped to recharge my batteries and feel ready to take on things this week. If only there was MRP more often than once or twice a year! Maybe next month I might see if I can go spend a weekend up in Kapiti.

Either way, I'm just letting everyone know that I am really grateful for all the support and I'm hoping to keep on the upwards spiral now. :D

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: The Secret of Zir'An
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood: Feeling pretty good

MEGAROLEPLAYING Weekend

Wow.

I am kind of drained, but feeling good about Mega-Roleplaying Weekend. A whole horde of us Wellingtonians congregated in Kapiti to wreck havoc on the Walker's and Cowens' households. It was fantastic!

I got to play The Princes' Kingdom, We Have the Technology, The Evil Overlord's Summer Camp, Promethean: The Created, Don't Rest Your Head and Primetime Adventures.

All the games we played were excellent fun. Princes' Kingdom is based on the Dogs in the Vineyard system, and manages to alter the system enough to create a genuinely challenging game that doesn't preach morality but rather sets up a moral challenge and leaves it up to the players and GM to discuss at the end of the game how the results turned out. Very cool. :)

We Have the Technology was Matt's entry into the Iron Game Chef competition - and was about androids in the far future helping cyberdolphins choose which emotions to give to Humanity 2.0. It is basically a systemless freeform game that verges on being a LARP. It was loads of fun, but we kept getting new players joining to the point that the game kind of hit critical mass and degenerated into chaos. We had to call an end to it when Fraser got hit in the eye! (It was an accident.)

Next up was the Evil Overlord's summer camp - which was hilarious and fun. We spent a while coming up with evil plans to succeed at our various camp activities - the Superbrain Monkey and Susan Spectacles were hilarious, as was Lord Von Doom. :)

After a BBQ dinner, where everyone got to hang out and yakker - Nick P looking particularly fetching in his poncho; and general discussion about the people using Luke's spa - I ran a game of Promethean.

Wow. It was pretty cool. Despite the pregen adventure being a little cheesy, we managed to get the game moving into an appropriate tone and had a lot of fun dealing with souless frakenstien monsters and Golems seeking to gain souls. Fraser was one of the stand-out characters for his creepy Timmy, Hix did a great job being a disturbing shaman type creature and Luke's couch potato Golem was suitably callous at times which was a great juxtaposition to everything going on. All in all, a very cool group to play with and the game managed to impress me enough that I am eager to run a Promethean campaign some time soon. :D

Don't Rest Your Head was next up, with Nasia and Hix playing. It was very cool. We played a short story about two insomniacs who suddenly find themselves on the run from strange nightmares, and ending up with them trapped in a mad city of dark symbolism. The system was simple but genuinely creepy.

So thanks to Luke, Sam, Matt and Debbie for hosting a very fun weekend - and I am looking forward to the MegaRoleplaying Weekend!

All cool!

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: The Secret of Zir'An
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood: Pretty upbeat!

Desire, Need and Reality

Hmmmm. Today is one of those "what am I going to talk about" kind of days.

As I sit here I'm looking over the top of the computer in the cybercafe and noticing the cute guy working away at the counter. I'm not really sure what I'm thinking at the moment.

Initially I was thinking of talking about how we create our reality - how the universe is an odd mix of objective and subjective reality. How, in some ways, desire shapes our reality and in other ways reality shapes our desires.

The search for Free Will - an often contentious issue - is often blinded by that very Free Will. Scholars and thinkers like have often over analysed what Free Will actually is - constantly analysing it to the point of non-existence.

I have an interesting theory on Free Will. Not one that I necessarily prescribe to, but I find it one that is interesting to identify. What if Free Will is catching? What if it is like a psychic virus? A form of inspiration.

God was capable of giving Free Will to humanity (if one chooses to take a biblical viewpoint) and man is made as of God.

What this seems to imply is that God made man to be like God - which means humanity might be able to transfer Free Will, just as God did. It also means that God has Free Will - for you cannot give that which you don't have. The implications of this is that God *chooses* to be good.

Now before I go off onto a bizarro tangent about God and Free Will, let me get back to the main point I was discussing - that the Universe is shaped by our wills. To be more accurate, the universe is relatively neutral. I do believe that it tries to move towards harmony - which means it tries to ensure a utilitarian maximum happiness.

The rub is that Free Will means we can choose to NOT be happy. The Universe reacts to how we choose to perceive it. Maybe it is that if we seek to be unhappy, the universe ironically thinks this is the direction of maximum utility. Ever notice how people who expect things to never work out are always plagued with misfortune while people who expect things to work out and be good seem to get through.

This is Free Will at work. Self-fulfilling prophecy.

Now don't get me wrong, this is not some sort of mystical process - a lot of it is happening on a psychological level. I just find explaining it as an active process in the universe better communicates an idea that a lot of people have trouble understanding.

For many in humanity this process is called God.

The idealistic upshot of all this is that we make the world we live in. War, conflict and unhappiness? All to do with Humanity. Think about it. If you have held that the world is bad and people are necessarily selfish - when did that start. Something happened and you took that viewpoint - or you were told by someone else who you respected enough to agree with.

It's not easy to see the world in an optimistic light without being privileged and protected.

I still believe that most of us desire a better world for everyone. It's not a hard road, per se. The most difficult part is getting humanity to take responsibility for what it does to itself. Once the human race accepts that there is no need for human torment of other humans to get ahead in the universe - the sooner humanity will progress.

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: The Secret of Zir'An
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood: In training for Megaroleplaying!

Up and Down - The Rollercoaster of Life

With the first anniversary of my arrival to Wellington, I am finding myself asking what have I achieved since I moved down here.

Without a doubt this has been a horrible, horrible year emotionally. I have been stressed almost constantly since I moved down here and haven't been able to equalise.

I have made a lot of friends, started up a business and managed to keep myself employed for the majority of the year - so it isn't all bad. :)

But yesterday I had a real down turn. The business has been very difficult to keep running. I'm realising that Dad was a bit unrealistic about the process involved and I needed to have more capital at the outset.

What this has meant is that I'm constantly playing catch-up with the business - not with the boardgames, but with roleplaying.

I order in stock and it just sits there. I know that if I had more exposure nation-wide it would be moving, as I order in conservative quantities. The problem is that I can't afford to set up things to really handle that. Advertising, Credit Card facilities - these all cost money I simply don't have and it appears most people don't like the more secure direct debit system.

Add to that the regular stress of having a small window of time each day to work on the site (due to not being able to access the net before 8am and after 10:30pm at home) it is becoming more frustrating now.

Then there is, of course, the problem with dealing with an Auckland based printer who seems to have no idea how vital it is for me to have product delivered on time.

*sigh*

The thing is that I keep coming back to the same theme as always - I still feel like I'm completely alone in this. I know people have offered to help - but what can I get them to do?

I can't keep asking to borrow money - that's going to kill the business, not save it. I can't afford to be in more debt - I already owe enough with this business and I will probably be unable to pay that back anytime soon.

It all feels out of control. And it feels that I'm not being taken seriously.

I am alone. I have always been alone. I wish I could find someone. I wish I didn't feel like I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.

Whatever happened to the happy-go-lucky me?

He's in there - just having a hard time relaxing.

On the bright side, I have set up a new deal on the site and hopefully that will generate more business.

I just wish I could figure out how to afford advertising at the moment. If every person on NZRAG were to order one product a month, I would be fine. But most of them don't actually buy games, it seems. Or are interested in things other than what I can currently get in. Sure, I'd stock Indie games - but they are hideously expensive to import and, to be blunt, the Indie craze is dying down. It has about six months left before it goes back to its normal sales levels.

In the meantime, there are a number of readily available third-party and mainstream games that people are ignoring.

I would get in more titles - but the current ones (which the market states are the better investments for sales) are not moving. If people aren't buying roleplaying stock from me now, why should I be investing any further in less reliable titles?

I am tired of hearing "oh, I'll probably get that later." Or worse, I have had "I'll order that from you" and then later when I've either got the product in or I'm about to order it I was then told "oh I'm going to shop/site X because I also ordered from them at the same time and I feel obliged/want to support them."

That makes me feel that I'm not considered a serious venture. If I was getting regular sales, it would be fine. But it is still too sporadic.

If it keeps up, I'm going to have to raise prices and pray that I still make enough sales - or close up shop.

I'm already considering charging shipping now - if more people were ordering it could pay for itself. But nobody wants to order, it seems.

Right now, I really want to swear my head off.

So what to do. What to do.

I'm going to try and calm down. A lot of the problems lie in how badly I've handled the business accounts wise - I'm sure. I'm trying to get on top of it. I'm trying to get on top of life, really.

Conan

Currently Reading: Nothing
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood: Just not that flash at the moment.

The Second Coming

I've just finished watching the DVD of the controversial ITV mini-series The Second Coming.

It is interesting that I watched this show today, when I find myself reading in the newspaper about how many christian churches are up in arms against homosexuality again, how we are facing a growing threat of religious violence between fundamentalist faiths, and how the world is generally dividing up into those who believe and those who don't.

The Second Coming focuses on how an ordinary bloke from Northern England suddenly realises that he's the Son of God. After proving his claim with a pretty impressive miracle, he declares that humanity has five days to deliver a third testament. That this time, humanity must write the testament themselves or else Judgement day will come.

The show focuses on the personal struggles that are faced by the Son of God and his friends in a very ballsy and at times unrelenting show.

Yet the ending betrays a certain failing. I realise that it engenders some debate about what we believe - but it also makes some rather interesting assumptions.

Which brings me to why this isn't a usual "review time" post.

Religion.

Such a sticky subject that carries so much baggage and politics. As organisations, religions tend to be unreasonable juggernauts often making claims that a majority of the individuals within any given religion may not agree with.

A further problem lies in tolerance. We must show tolerance and respect for those who are different from us - and that we must accept and respect religious difference. But at the same time while different faiths are willing to pull the tolerance card when they feel they are being hard done by, they have no qualms ignoring tolerance when it suits.

But is it fair to blame religions?

Is it the people, the belief, the dogma?

I'm going to talk about being gay for a moment here. I sometimes get the impression a lot of people get politely squicksome about the topic. It is something that they feel if they don't talk about it, then it is as good as not saying anything bad about it.

Many religious groups openly villify it, claiming tracts of the bible to support their claims.

Many gay men become atheists because of the way they have been treated by the church or other faiths.

Being gay isn't a disease. It's not a mental condition. It is something innate that we choose to accept. Yes there is a point where a choice is made. I can't fully remember the day, but I do remember that I eventually chose to accept how I felt.

That is the gift of being human - we can choose.

I could choose to not be gay, but I would never be happy with that choice. It would feel somehow... wrong. I have been down that road, so I know what I'm saying here.

Supposing, then, that homosexuality isn't unnatural - why does it exist?

Why am I considered a sinner? For not spreading my genetic code? For not bringing more souls into the world? Where is the sin?

Or is it the sin of arrogance? To think that I can just choose who I want to love. Because this isn't about sex. I haven't had sex in a very long time. I'll admit that. Because I want to be with someone I love. So it can't be the sin of Lust then.

What pisses me off about religion, and I do get very angry, is that there has not been a message from on high. If God is in the details, if God is part of nature - then God has told me that it is alright to be gay. Why? Because that is what my heart and intuition has told me. If faith is to be believed - then that intuition is God speaking to my heart.

If it were the devil or a dark corruption of some kind - then I suspect that it would have been a lot more seductive. Trust me - the revelation was far from a seduction.

It infuriates me how people try to argue that holy books like the Bible are the uncorrupted word of God. They are not God's words - they are the words of men with political agendas.

Read the bible and you will find contradiction, confusion and ambiguity. Many christians fail to remember that the New Testament was about Jesus coming down and saying that the Old Testament was to be abandoned. To be replaced by a new way of living.

Yet no religion is built on that understanding.

Further - what of Allah? Zeus? Mab? Krishna? or the thousands of other gods and deities? What is the story with them?

Why is God so right?

Because he has moved things to ensure his belief has spread because of truth? Bollocks. Christianity's success is closely related to the spread of Western thinking. Invasion. War. Conquest - these have been the vehicles of Christianity's spread across the globe. Not God.

So where does that leave things? Where does that leave Christians?

I am no atheist. Atheists want the universe to be measurable. The belief that we just end is faulty because it is a poor waste of energy - something that science is learning doesn't happen in this universe. Our universe is surprisingly efficient in the way it operates its highly complex parts.

So am I declaring war on Christians? On religion?

No.

But I do think that these people need to stop and think with clear minds. They have allowed their belief to swallow their reasoning. Belief founded not on any evidence but on the words of people long dead. People who sought to control a world they felt victimised by.

God does not seek division. God/Allah/Zeus/The Way/The Universe/Ma'at seeks harmony. It seeks for us to join together in all our diversity. There is nothing wrong in choosing to see the Universe as God and Angels. Nor is it wrong to choose to see it as Allah.

It is not wrong to choose to live by the commandments or the Pillars. Except when it comes to dividing the world.

You are not meant to see the world in that way. Not everyone is Gay. Not everyone is Christian. Not everyone is Muslim. Not everyone is Irish. Not everyone is Maori.

We were never meant to be completely homogenous. We are meant to be different facets of Humanity together - in harmony. We are meant to look at each other and revel in the diffence, to appreciate the complexity of being both all the same and all different.

Sometimes I wish I could just show people what I see. How I feel about these things. But it always comes out too hateful, or too odd. I worry about such groups as Destiny Church - full of so many good people whose only sin is to follow such blatantly false prophets. Groups like the Exclusive Brethren, who so many people just dismiss as polite and nice people who keep to themselves.

That is the very thing that makes them corrupt and dangerous. Humanity isn't meant to divide up into little compounds of people. We are meant to embrace each other and share our differences. That is how the universe works. If we were to work together - we would be growing up. We don't have to all be the same, but we do need to accept that we are all part of one great thing - the Universe. There's only one. We are all part of it, and our differences give us strength.

It's waiting for us to grow up and realise this. To become part of the greater thing - to travel its length and breadth and learn all its secrets.

Yet we keep talking ourselves out of it. We have become so wrapped up in the minutiae of conflicts we didn't even start- but that some people thousands of years ago with a grudge against a neighbour started.

We are all a part of God - or whatever you wish to call it. Religion is based on truth, but should never be mistaken for truth in its own right. It is a way to look at the universe and relate to it. But it is not the universe in itself.

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Over the Edge second edition
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood: Ready for debate!

What is Wisdom?

My shoulder pain has upgraded itself to a neck pain. Yesterday was a GOD-AWFUL day at work. It got so stressful that my shoulder pain flared up again. It just hasn't come right yet. :(

So I've been stewing over a few things recently because I'm still feeling down about things. I've been wondering if I can ever hope to meet someone who I can be open with fully and share with.

There is just so much going on and I know I probably should be asking for help - but I don't know what I need help with. Work? My Business? Relationships?

This is why I'm feeling isolated. I close off parts of my life because I feel that I should be able to handle them. I want to share them with someone, but not just anyone. So where does that leave me?

Last night Emile, jokingly, said "Conan, you know everything" - in response to something we were talking about, I barely remember it.

Do I really come across that way?

I know a lot of things, but what I don't know is even more than that. What I *do* know is how to approach lack of knowledge.

I am a problem solver. But I seem to have trouble with my own problems because emotions get in the way.

Right now, I am frustrated because I really don't know how I'm going to be able to keep this all up on my own. I'm doing too much work, I don't know what I want for the future other than to be happy.

I want to feel attractive again. I want to feel that someone *wants* to spend time with me. I know I have friends who do that, but I'm wanting something else.

Not sex, but genuine loving intimacy. Not friendly hugs to make me feel good - but genuine affection. I'm scared when it comes to telling someone that I like them. Because every time I have done so, it has ended up hurting me.

What is the wise thing to do? Take a leap? Protect myself?

Not that there is really anyone that I can seriously ask out at the moment. The guys I know are either straight or in relationships already or both. Kind of leaves me with a serious drought to deal with.

I need help moving on with this. I need help getting my business actually making money.

I'm feeling that I am just moving further and further away from myself.

Conan

Currently Reading: Promethean: The Created
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood: Stressed and exhausted - not at all Wise and knowledgable.

Approaching excitement...

I am about to become THE supplier of Pressed On Ink's products to the Wellington area. PoI will be turning all Wellington based business to me, so that I may be able to generate more income into the business and work at getting an Instabook printer down to Welly! (woot!)

Tomorrow is going to be a busy and exciting day too. But I'll let y'all know why a little later on. :)

Not much to talk about today. My Mum was down from Auckland over the weekend, and it was good to catch up with her. I'm kind of liking someone at the moment - actually a couple of someones - but not too sure that any of them are "available."

That actually puts me on to an aside - someone suggested that I only went for unavailable people as some sort of defence mechanism. For the record - I do not. I'm attracted to a lot of people for a lot of reasons. The men I've fallen in love with were all single and gay. Most were also emotionally available too.

Currently I'm attracted to some sexually ambiguous people though - due to my lack of gay Wellingtonian friends - so nothing is likely to come from it. I err on the side of caution in these cases. Until I find out that they are a) available and b) likely to be interested.

Nothing else to say at the moment - except for SQUEEEE!

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Manual of Exalted Power: The Dragon-Blooded
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood: Nervous with excitement over business events!

Globalisation, Irony and Shoulder Pain

Firstly, this little post is about two days late due to my body finally giving in. All the pressure that has been building up finally found a point to release - my shoulder-blade. I got a major stress spasm that meant I ended up taking the day off work yesterday. Today it is feeling good enough for me to go to work - and I'm hoping to make it to roleplaying this evening too (Luke, I'll e-mail you guys by about 10am to confirm.)

So yeah... still stressed, but my shoulder feels a little better today.

But what I wanted to talk about was started by an article in the Dom Post a couple of days ago.

Am I the only person who got the irony that the first muslim and first Iranian in space was a woman? Considering the way extremists have been behaving, it struck me that there was a certain irony behind that. Not only that she went into space, but that the most positive face of Islam yet was an attractive, wealthy and successful Iranian who lives in America and has managed to find a compromise between Western culture and her own ethnic culture.

That is what Globalisation really is about. A common misconception amongst relativists and conservatives is that Globalisation = Americanisation. It doesn't.

Globalisation isn't about the West taking over the world. It is about cultures and ideas mixing across the globe. The West is as much a "victim" of this - look at how prevalent Hong Kong movie tropes have worked their way into western action movies. Look at how many Kebab stores and sushi stores there are. Look at how we have just embraced the walkman for years - a Japanese concept and product that was developed to deal with a uniquely Japanese problem.

Globalisation is about embracing something from another culture and turing it into to something uniquely your own. I remember watching a Hindu Pepsi ad that by watching it would have convinced you that Pepsi was a purely Indian idea and drink.

The thing about Globalisation is that it is a buzz-word for a natural process - change. Conservatives are naive in thinking that they can ever keep the status-quo. Look at conservative nations like those of the Middle-East who have attempted to keep things the same for centuries, and as such are always on the knife-edge of war.

Look to the African and South-American dictatorships and how precariously balanced they are - how eventually the nation stagnates and suffers.

The only things that last are cultures that embrace the necessity of change. Western "culture" is not as easily defined as relativists would care to admit - because it is in constant flux and change. We have our bouts of conservatism - but the structure of democracy is that nothing remains the same forever. It is a political structure designed to alter to the people's desires.

That is not to say that we live in a perfect society - far from it. But the West's strength lies in the ability to change. Yet even nations like Japan - who have strong conservative traditions - also have strength because they have found a compromise between status-quo and change.

Change is an inevitability that many humans have trouble accepting. I point to the wisdom of Taosim - a philosophy that recognises that change is inevitable. Or Buddhism - another philosophy built on the knowledge that the world is in constant flux. Embrace change, accept it and your life becomes more hopeful.

I'm not sure quite where I want to go with this - I guess I just want to express that we should not be afraid of change...

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: The Secret of Zir'An
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood: Still thinking about things...

Isolation and Community

I'm thinking a lot about isolation at the moment. It seems to be a recurring theme in my life. One of the things that is often overlooked by people in relationships is that being single is about being isolated. For some people it is a comfortable situation because you can't really be hurt and it is easy to become comfortable in the lifestyle.

I remember how in The Celestine Prophecy one of the core concepts behind it was about how people were a dichotomy of individuality combined with community. Essentially we are all individual entities, but through community we individually manage to develop and grow.

The Universe is all about change and development.

Essentially the idea is that by meeting and sharing thoughts with people, we change through our individual differences.

Thus isolation is really the abode of the conservative who fears to change themselves. The irony being that we can never cease being ourselves - all the material that makes us who we are can change, but the person at its core is still the same person. We can be hardcore anarchists one day but become born-again christians the next.

At the moment I feel isolated.

I'm partially to blame for this - I'm experiencing some emotions that are making me want to distance myself a little. Nothing negative, but rather I'm filled with too much love and nowhere for it to go. Yep - I'm sure some people were waiting to see how long it would take for me to mention that again.

I'm finding it hard to explain how I'm feeling without sounding creepy or desperate or something that doesn't sound right when I write it down.

I want to talk about my feelings, but I don't really know what to say without saying the totally wrong thing.

Part of my issue is that I want to be a part of something. What drew me down to Wellington was the sense of community. I love that the roleplaying community here is so in touch with each other. In some ways it feels like a large (slightly dysfunctional) family. I like that.

But I want to be a part of my own "family." That problem is still not being solved. Now I'm about to tackle a business that is even more isolated. Me, a computer and that's it.

I wish I didn't have some of these feelings that are filling me with doubt.

And I wish I could fall for someone who was actually going to fall for me too. I seem to make that mistake a lot. Falling for someone who wont return those feelings or will use my affection to their advantage...

Not really depressed right now, just feeling... tired.

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: The Reality Dysfunction/GURPS 4e
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood: Still thinking about things...

Review Time: The 4400

My latest trade was for the first and second seasons of The 4400. This series made quite a splash in the states, just prior to Lost, and has enjoyed consistently high ratings over three seasons. Originally a mini-series, The 4400 ended up being so popular it managed to score a second season of 13 episodes.

What makes The 4400 such a cool show is how it manages to have the weird mystery element that keeps people turning to Lost, the complex "Big Picture" idea unfolding, and that missing element that Lost needs - well-paced progression.

What took Lost 26 episodes to get to, 4400 manages to do in six.

The basic premise of The 4400 is as follows:

When a comet that is meant to go on a flyby of Earth changes course and heads towards the planet, the world goes into a bit of a panic. Slowing down, the comet reveals itself to be a glowing ball of light, which lands at a lakeside outside of Seattle. The light vanishes, leaving behind 4400 people who had gone missing over the last sixty years.

These "Returnees" at first are welcomed back until the National Security force realises that some of them have been returned ... changed.

Tom Baldwin, an NTAC agent whose son was there when one of the 4400 was originally abducted and went into a coma because of it, is teamed up with Diana Skouris - an ex-CDC agent who has now joined NTAC. They are tasked with learning the truth behind the 4400, while Tom secretly hopes to find out what happened to his nephew (one of the 4400) and his comatose son.

From that premise, the 4400 manages to expand out into a very complex and intriguing storyline. The characters are well thought-out and the choice of camera work (reminiscent of Collateral's style) makes everything look that little bit more gritty.

One of the first secrets you learn in the pilot episode is that some of the 4400 seem to have innate powers. Suddenly what at first appears to be an x-files rip-off becomes a gritty supers series. Then, just when you are getting comfortable with the "super of the week" feel of the series, they drop a bombshell of a revelation on you. This revelation then changes the course of the series.

And that is probably 4400's greatest strength. The creators are not afraid to change the world. The series is in constant progession. To date every episode has pushed the storyline along and some new revelation has helped to slowly reveal a bigger picture.

When I first watched this show I thought it seemed a bit patchy - but having watched it all now, I can see that it is a very clever show that is leading somewhere. It manages to avoid being cliched - despite having many cliched tropes (the creepy girl, the spooky baby, The Messiah-complex guy...) it does these well and uses them as sign posts for the viewers - cues to let you know where the show is going without spoiling any of the surprises as it moves along.

All in all, this is one fantastic series.

Two thumbs up!

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: The Reality Dysfunction
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood: Still thinking about things in general...

Visitors, Magic 8-Balls and Uncertainty

This has turned into quite a hectic week. Firstly, my friend Piotrek has been down from Auckland. We went to Scopa last night for dinner - mmmm Scopa does the best Italian pizzas in town - and had a great time, even though our waitress seemed to be operating in uber-bitch mode. (She kept ignoring us, which got Piotrek pretty annoyed - Scopa isn't exactly the biggest restaurant, y'know.)

Then my friend Wayne is down tonight and wants to catch up.

But last night I then got a call from Sridat saying he's going to be in town and wanting to know if he could crash at our place. Wow!

Well, we really aren't set up at home to take any unexpected boarders right now - and I'm going to have to try and juggle hanging out with Sridat and Wayne with my Anime evenings with Emile (which I always look forward to) and work.

Also, while I was at work I looked at our new Magic 8-Balls - they are fun. Apparently I'm going to be meeting someone soon who will turn out to be my boyfriend and it is someone I already know.

The humour lay in what the magic 8-ball then claimed. I'll leave it open to speculation what a random die that says 20 versions of yes, no and maybe ended up saying. :D

What tickled me most was how it seemed to know what I've been thinking recently. heheehee.

I also played some other games with it - apparently it didn't think too highly of my boss. lol.

There is something I am feeling uncertain about, but I don't really want to talk about it here. Which really doesn't help, I know. :)

There is something on my mind that I wish I could talk to certain people about - but I'm not really in the position to do that.

Enigmatic, much? :D

Maybe I'll post an update tomorrow.

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: The Reality Dysfunction
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood: Trying to make a decision or two...

Frightening Prospects

Well I did it. I resigned.

Of course I gave about five weeks notice and as long as I behave myself, I will be leaving on good terms. Despite all the stress, I recognise that the main reason I'm leaving is so that I can focus on building up ESG to the point where it can support me.

Scary stuff.

I chatted with my boss and he agreed that I would be better served taking a part-time job that didn't clash with my business interests. He also mentioned that there will always be a position with them for me if I wanted it back. Which made me feel good to know that this risky venture I'm taking has a net to fall back on that doesn't involve me moving all the way back to Auckland. :)

I love Wellington, I don't want to move away if I can avoid it.

So that's one issue down, a few more to go. :D

My printer guy is finally on target - I will have books on my doorstep according to him by tomorrow. Maybe even by this evening. (Fingers crossed)

In other positive news, we may have sorted out the flatmate issue. I guess the idea that if you follow the right path the universe opens the way may indeed hold true.

So that leaves the big question - with ESG now lined up to get more attention from me, printing to be increasing to help with financial growth and flatmate issues resolved... it leaves a question of how do I take the next step up Maslow's Hierarchy of needs. lol.

Love. Hmmmm. Definitely the most difficult challenge of the lot.

I keep worrying that I'm never going to be satisfied with anyone. But that's not true. There are people out there that I would have been happy to be with - heck I've talked about them enough.

So it comes down to finding out who would be happy to be with someone like me? I think this is the problem for many of us who have trouble finding love. We tend to be drawn to people who aren't drawn to us. It's a hard thing to resolve because no one is to blame - it's just all unfortunate attraction.

The worst bit is when you do like someone, think they might like you and then facing the prospect that you have to make the first move.

That's a really scary step to make. Especially if you find out that they weren't signalling interest, that you had read more into their actions because of your own attraction and hope that they might like you.

Take, for example, the cute guy at the internet cafe. Over the last few months I've been coming in here regularly and smiling and talking to him. He remembered my login id, I just come up and say that I want to put money on my account and he didn't even ask which account it was.

Now I have never told him my name, but he has remembered it from my account - because the other day I walked past and he just said "Seeya Conan."

That caught me a bit by surprise - because he usually is quite staunch and stoic.

Today he said hi to me and we exchanged a couple of little pleasantries.

Now it would be easy to make the mistake that he might be signalling interest - after all he doesn't do that for all account holders. Even regulars.

BUT I have been making an effort to talk to him. It's good business practice to build relationships between business and customers.

*sigh*

Not mention that I'm certain I've seen him with his girlfriend. (I assume she was. :D)

So what's the point? Well that it is very very difficult to tell someone you like them because of the risks involved. Doubly so when you aren't even sure of their sexuality and how they will respond.

Shame really. :D I feel kind of sad at the moment, but not depressed. I have too much else that is going on to wallow in my singlehood. :)

Still... it would be nice to have someone who can be a partner-in-crime with me...

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: The Reality Dysfunction (Not that I've read any more recently... :D )
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood: Scared witless about my future, but oddly calm and good about it at the same time.

Kiss and Tell

A lot is building up at the moment. There is increasing pressure at work for me to leave - nothing major, but B. is wanting to resign today (if she shows up) and she was asking me if I was going to be resigning today as well. Another wave of resignations is in process with one of the new full-timers heading off now too.

I'm realising that if I want to find another job, I need to get my resignation in now as the owners will be going to Thailand on holiday in about two weeks and then wont be back until the beginning of October.

So I need to think about when I want to leave. I could leave the week before they get back - which allows me to attend Megaroleplaying Weekend and still have the Monday to recover from it. :D

But that might cause problems with the owners, and it would look really good if I offer to work the week they get back, just so that they don't come home to have to stress about hiring new full-timers and being seriously short-staffed. (Chances are that with B. and I leaving, Emile and T. will also resign.)

Further, I'm really scared about leaping without any confirmed income. ESG is simply not generating enough sales to justify it. Unless the boardgaming community got wind of it and started ordering today, I don't think that I can count on ESG to pay my bills. Luckily I ought to get enough in holiday pay to pay a month worth of rent - which effectively gives me 8 weeks to find a job. So I shouldn't need to stress too much.

Now on to what I was going to talk about today...

Kissing.

Izzy told us yesterday how she was waiting at a bus-stop on Saturday night when this (rather drunken) girl walked over said "you are so beautiful!" And then promptly pashed her full on the mouth - apparently tongue and all.

This got me thinking. How often is it that you see someone and you just have to fight the urge to kiss them?

Why is kissing such a good thing? Is there a scientific reason behind it? (One would assume that science has an answer.)

According to Wikipedia it is a learned response that is part of grooming. (!?)

I've had the urge to kiss some people in my time. Not that I've acted on it. But I have to admit, I like kissing. It's fun, and interesting how no two people seem to kiss the same way. Ever notice that?

Some people seem to treat it like a wrestling competition, others explore and yet others seem to almost go for the hint of a kiss more than an actual pash.

I can't think of anything more intimate than kissing. Sure, sex is a pretty intimate thing, but kissing is something you rarely do with someone you don't like.

Emile was talking to me yesterday, and Emoboy came up briefly in conversation (that's Kev, the guy I dated briefly earlier on in the year) and he asked me if I'd been on a date recently.

I pointed out that the closest thing I've had to a date recently has been going to the movies with him, Panda_pitt and Fraser_by_Proxy. Now I feel it is pretty safe to say, none of those were what I would really classify as dates. Because, well, dating is something very different from hanging out at the movies with friends.

Then, in his usual teasy ambiguous way, Emile said that Snakes on Plane could be called a date if I wanted to. I pointed out that calling it a date didn't make it a date - then we had to get back to work while I fumbled around trying to explain why I didn't call it a date. (For the record again, Emile is straight and has a girlfriend. I realise that some people reading this blog could get the SERIOUSLY wrong picture of events.)

Which did get me thinking - what makes a date, well, a date? Emile seemed to think that it is when you go out with someone with the intention of possibly scoring afterwards. But I don't agree.

Because you can still go on dates after you've "scored" with that person. Also, you can end up dating without scoring.

I tried to explain that dating is when you spend time with someone you really like and want to know them better - but then that kind of made Emile and I's movie nights sound like dates.

So I ended up fumbling around not really doing a good job at making myself sound rational rather than some loopy guy. :D

I guess it depends on a whole series of things. Anyway, it's only a date if both people think it's a date. There. That works. :)

The upshot of all this is that I really miss kissing - as it has been over a year since I've snogged anyone. Yes. I've dated down here - but all the dates I've been on have been... well... unsuccessful events.

Which isn't to say that I just want to end up kissing just anyone. Again we come to that thing of me wanting to meet someone I care about. There are people I do care about down here, but no-one who is likely to be a potential partner.

I like the idea of being able to go out with someone, hang out at home, kiss, hug - think about our lives together. I want to live with someone who I care about. But I need to date first, build up a relationship...

So much to deal with, isn't it. A business, possibly leaving my current job, finding someone, dealing with a flatmate moving out, needing to find a new flatmate, run a game on Mondays, possibly plan a LARP... not to mention all these other thoughts plaguing me.

It would just be nice to sort at least one of these things out.

I know which I'd prefer to have sorted out first... :)

Anyway, catch y'all later!

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: The Reality Dysfunction
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood:Feeling rather thoughtful...
(Thoughtful Menchi)

Harmony, The Universe and Love

Well this has been a continued consideration for me. Previously I rambled on a bit about some of my more deeply held beliefs - somehow managing to avoid committing too much to stating them, but talking enough to see if anyone who knew what I was on about would catch on.

I'm not quite sure where to begin here. I was going to talk about evil, good, sin and virtue - but I'm not really certain about what I want to say. Some of this stuff involves deeply held idea of my own that I'm not too sure that I'm willing to discuss on such a public forum.

I want to talk about harmony, the universe and how it plays into my view of the world. But I'm not 100% sure where to begin without sounding trite about it.

Then, of course, there is my silly obsession with love. (Okay, okay, I'm a fan of Moulin Rouge.)

Harmony

As I mentioned previously, I think the key to improving the world isn't going to lie in making everyone happy all the time. This is simply impossible to do. Due to the transience of physical existence, we will always know despair and sorrow while we live in this universe.

But that doesn't mean we need to give in to it. That is what Harmony is about. Acceptance. There is evil, there is pain. By accepting that and realising that we can gain control over the ebb and flow of such things so that they lead to the better things in life.

What this also means is that we shouldn't go around spreading such actions. The Universe challenges us to do good. The world has enough darkness in it without conscious, rational addition of more pain.

Harmony seeks to find a balance. This is not a new philosophy either. Buddhism, Taoism even the Ancient Egyptian ideal of Ma'at contain elements of this idea.

Note that Harmony doesn't mean becoming a Luddite either. Technology and development can be in Harmony too. Consider how our solar system is designed to provide all the resources to allow us to expand, but by fighting nature and unity we squander the resources we have at our feet.

Clever use of the Earth's resources alongside technological development can allow us the ability to reach beyond Earth. But until we sort things out at home - how can we hope to take to the stars?

The Universe

Herein lies an idea that I am still considering. The Universe is one organism. It isn't built with organs and cells so much as energy. We are all part of that organism. The Universe is much like the idea of the China Brain. The sum total of all consciousness gives rise to the Universe having desires and consciousness.

Maybe there are Gods, beings that are more aware of how the Universe operates and thus are able to exploit that knowledge. I'm not sure.

But at the core of it is the idea that the Universe moves towards Harmony, and it pushes us in that direction too. This is at the core of Taoist ideals - that if you ride the flow of the universe rather than fight it, then things have a habit of working out.

I have seen this proven enough times to believe it now.

Suffering is transient. Harmony is eternal. Maybe Harmony really is the Void of buddhism. The nothingness that is without pain and suffering.

Or maybe Harmony is balance - not a void, but everything in perfect harmonic flow. Maybe the universe moves like a pendulum until it reaches harmonic balance, before something pushes it out again.

Or maybe I'm getting a little too Woodstock/60s hippy thinking here.

Again, this isn't a perfect representation of my beliefs. Yet I do feel that there is something to the idea of a harmonic universe.

Love

So what is love?

The desire to become a part of the universe through seeing it with another's eyes? Attraction for procreation?

I think love is many layered. It is an affection for those people you want to keep in your life. True love is the desire to share life with another person - to become a part of their world and be there for them.

It can be expressed in so many multitudinous ways too.

Why all this quasi-crazy talk?

Because I don't think we discuss these kinds of things enough. We accept dated views of our world often enough. There are wars fought over such things as God and Allah, and who is right.

But it seems to me that in the end, we often are talking about the same thing but using other peoples ideas rather than thinking of some of our own. Our world is seriously out of balance at the moment. Driven by the fact that most people are refusing to accept that there can be other ways of looking at the same thing.

Maybe I just need to chill out more. :D


Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading:The Reality Dysfunction
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood: Not too bad. Just thinking about stuff.

Every man and his dog

Wow. So my site has been active since Saturday, and there have been near to 1000 unique sessions. That means a reasonably large number of people are checking out the site. :D Woot!

I'm certain that if I'd put up credit card facilities there would be more actual sales - but I'm simply not financially set up to do it yet. Credit cards are ludicrously expensive - and what many people don't realise is that companies that accept credit cards are gambling on large numbers of sales to cover the sizeable profit loss. It costs the average retailer 5-6% of their profit margin for each sale! When you're profit margins are already pretty low, that's a sizeable amount to lose out on.

And that isn't even counting the monthly account fees or the set-up fee. Then there is the security certificate fee - which also takes a cut of each credit card sale.

Yet another thing I've noticed is the number of web design experts out there who can't agree on anything. I have receieved a number of critiques of my website from these guys often contradicting each other. Some of the comments have actually helped me solidify what I want from the site and what I don't. Oddly the best suggestions came from average people who simply surf the net alot. Most of the useless to unhelpful comments came from guys trying to get me to hire them to do the site.

What these people don't seem to click on to is that my current developer/coder is hosting and designing the site for free in his spare time out of the goodness of his heart! So until one of those "experts" is willing to provide better for free, they can just shut the hell up, really.

Right now I need positive feedback - like the people who said that they would like to see commentary options on products. Or that they would like to have non-java options.

(Something that infuriates me is how some people think they can berate me for wanting a Java menu. Many shopping sites use it without problems. I have no issue with being asked for non-java. But saying to me that it is bad or that my developer is obviously a first-time webdesigner (especially when he not only does it for a career, but is paid very well for it) is plain insulting. Remember what they say about the word assume...)

So needless to say, I'm both excited and upset at the same time. Yes, the site isn't perfect. But given that it is a volunteer job that has to be done outside of working hours, I think it is pretty fricken awesome. :)

I still worry that I'm not going to get enough sales - I only have one order at the moment. Considering the sizeable order that will be coming in, and I was banking on people actually buying stock, it is a bit worrying. But it is early days yet, and there is still a good chance that things will get sorted out.

Now that my printer guy is back in action, I'm hoping that the PDF printing service will help generate enough capital to help reach that target $3000 in sales for the month. I'm realising it would have made my life a lot easier if I HAD bought an accounting program when I started up - but things aren't so bad that I can't get onto that once the business is underway.

In other news, I'm still thinking about relationships. It has been a bit difficult recently, I keep worrying that I'm too intense. I also worry that some of this is bleeding over into my friendships. I sometimes think I freak people out with my affection.

Silly, I know, but it does concern me. I don't want to have friends feeling uncomfortable around me. Yeah, I think a lot about this kind of crazy stuff.

See, that is part of the reason I'd like to go to the gym - it's a chance to socialise with people. I keep remembering how I met this guy Rob up at the gym in Auckland. We really we hitting it off - then I ended up deciding to move down here.

Of course nothing had convinced me that Rob was interested in anything other than friendship - hence he wasn't really reason enough to keep me up in Auckland.

Wow- this has turned into quite a long post. :D

So here is the big question of the day. Is there anyone that Conan is interested in down here?

Hmmmmm. In all honesty, there are some people that have a lot of the traits I find attractive. But no. Due to the lack of eligible and available prospects - there isn't really anyone out there at the moment. Not in my immediate social circles.

Shame really.

Anyway - hope you all have a good day! :D I'm determined to make the best of mine. ;)

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: The Reality Dysfunction
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood: Feeling pretty good, and optimistic

It's here!

So it's official! I have started the Evin Shir Games website. I've spent the weekend working on improving the layout of the catalogue, and hopefully I will get a number of sales before the end of the week. It is going to become exciting to see if this idea actually pays off. :D

Check it out!

In other news, hung out again with Emile and watched some Last Exile and Samurai 7. I finished watching Ghost in the Shell: Stand-alone Complex. It was AWESOME! Definitely ranking as one of the best anime I have seen in a long time.

Panda_pitt is currently here creating his character for tomorrow's Exalted game. It's kind of funny sitting here listening to him talking to himself about his plans for his character. :D

So what else is there for me to update on. I was initially going to continue on my Harmony range of thoughts - but the general impression I sense is that most people didn't really know what to make of it all. :) Maybe I'll tackle it again later.

Right now I'm kind of in an odd state of mind. Much of what I've been talking about the last couple of weeks remains relevant. I'm still in a relationships state of mind. Or more accurately I'm kind of wanting someone to take on dates and do nice things for. At the moment I've been helping out friends - and that's all nice - but I'm really still in that point where I feel the need for someone to be closer to me.

I'm trying to figure out what I can do for myself to help get a little more confident. I have a bit of a body-image issue at the moment. But I can't make myself workout at home. I kind of need to join a gym again - but I don't earn enough where I'm at.

Hmmmm.

I guess I need to keep hoping that I either find a job or ESG becomes busy enough to pay my wages. :)

We'll have to wait and see which it turns out to be. :D

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: The Reality Dysfunction
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood: Introspective, but feeling good. :)

Harmony and Death

I've been reading The Reality Dysfunction recently, and noticed how full of violence and nastiness it is. Particularly relating to one character. I've also noticed the number of religious references and subtexts in the book - Edenists, Adamists, God's Brother - the book is rife with them. Now I realise this can be interpreted in many ways, and sometimes it bugs me a little - but it has also got me thinking about a few things.

See, one of the guiding drives in my mind is the problem with modern society. I keep trying to think about how you would go about improving the world. A lot of people keep wishing for world peace and happiness, all that fluffiness. We often desire a better world than the one we live in - but I have come to realise that while there is this noble ideal, not many people have a particularly clear vision in their heads of what this ideal world would really look like.

For me it is a problem that takes a fair bit of my subconscious processing capacity. Yes. Really. There is a "part" of my unconscious that I essentially tasked with working out a solution at about the age of six or seven. When most other kids were trying to figure out tying shoelaces, I was already in the process of seeking a better future. Obviously back then it was a lot more childish - essentially driven by the conflicts between my parents, dead goldfish and the usual kind of oddities of youth.

I remember distinctly being taught religion and then spending much of my youth berating God and the Devil for doing such a sloppy job of the world. I'm not kidding. When I was ten I used to get quite cross when I thought about children starving and how many of the people I knew personally who were unhappy. So I started trying to think about what the perfect world could be like.

Every so often I check in on my subconscious to see how it is developing - at least once a day - to see what progress has been made. Obviously, not a heck of a lot.

When I was younger I created a fantasy world in my mind called Lagunia. (Isn't it funny how kids always seem to name their fantasy kingdoms with the suffix -ia...) Anyway, Lagunia was a mixture of Narnia, Buck Rogers, Flash Gordon, Middle Earth and quasi-greek mythology. (My father was big on reading me ancient greek myths when I was child. He had a passion for fantasy. The bible was probably the least read book in our house, even though my mother was a practicising catholic.)

In Lagunia, people all just seemed to have gotten with the program and for the most part lived happily together in a kind of sci-fantasy world. (That apparently could move its entire solar system around the galaxy. I was a kid, okay?)

Most of Lagunia's conflicts involved natural disasters. Like the time a spaceport ended up catching fire, blazing Inferno style, and rescue teams had to step in to save the day. However there was a religious sector as well - until, for some reason, religion was eschewed for science (I think. I remember that in this fantasy world all the idols of the gods of Lagunia were thrown on a rubbish pile, because the gods hadn't shown up for decades. Then the creator of Lagunia returned to gently remind the people that there was more to the universe.)

But there was one main threat to Lagunia. A corrupt race that travelled in spaceships (I think inspired by the Cylons from BSG...) who were sent by the darkness in the universe to corrupt and dominate all things.

Even in my imaginary Eden, a serpent crawled.

So what am I getting at?

Well, it seems to me that Lagunia did teach me one thing - for a world to be perfect, humanity needs to be in harmony both with themselves and the world around them. Not necessarily a perfect harmony, but a mature one. In Lagunia I had seen the world as much more accepting of difference.

I think one of the biggest issues that faces the world - particularly multicultralism - is that we don't actually accept difference. Cultures are used to create difference not out of harmony, but out of a desire to be distinguished from everyone else. To stand apart. We use culture and ethnicity as a sheild to protect us from getting to close to each other. In Lagunia it was already accepted that we were all different, but that we also were a part of something greater.

Now Lagunia was a childish dream - it lacked the nuance of reality. But to a young boy whose world wasn't matching up to the way people said it should, it seemed more real than his own life, in some ways. Nowadays, I can look back and admire the complexity and maturity hidden with that world. The underlying message it was sending.

Every culture has something to offer humanity as a whole. That is the first step to harmony. Knowing that everything has something to show the other cultures. Most cultures are trying to learn this truism. They are open enough to learn what can be gained from accumulated knowledge.

Pride in your heritage should not equal a refusal to change your cultural views.

Yet there are still problems. How do you show that individuality will not be lost if we become Humans first and our cultural identities second? What about religion? Religious culture is in some ways worse than ethnic culture. Cultures based on nationality can be negotiated with - but religion doesn't look just at one nation, it tries to describe the entire universe and its meaning. As much as it would be easy to say "religion should be abandoned" - it simply isn't that easy. Nor is religion something that can be treated as a speedbump to harmony.

So as you can see, I think a lot about these things. I haven't even scratched the surface of the daily debate that rages in the far recesses of my subconscious mind. Fear not everyone, I'm not some psycho who is going to flip-out one day. Everyone compartimentalises parts of their thinking into their subconscious. Most of us just don't realise it. It has been through years of self development and study of various meditative philosophies that has allowed me to be aware of this process. I am simply conscious of my self and how it is operating at any given moment. Not a perfect taoist or self-actualised understanding, but enough to be able to say with no arrogance that I do know my feelings, thoughts and why they are there. But I digress...

Tonight I started to think about what happens after life. See, I'm thinking that this idealised and harmonised future world is a difficult one to achieve. It also seems that it could even possibly be impossible.

So today's thought process led to thinking about death and what comes after. What if this life, this existence is meant to be the way it is so that in the next life we actually value harmony. It seems a reasonable assertion, when you think about it in those terms. If there is an afterlife, I used to wonder how inefficient this world seemed to be. But if it is a learning ground, a place to truly learn the value of a harmonious life - then the buddhists and taoists are on to something. Religion in general, though maybe not wholly accurate about the true mechanism, is in the right. Regardless of the path you take, you can still gain enlightenment - so to speak.

But then, I wonder, it still seems wasteful. To think that our existence now is just some Star Trek holodeck process to prepare us for the real world seems kind of a wanky way of doing things. Why not just learn in the real world?

But then, why die?

This seems to eventually lead back to the argument that we should be trying to harmonise in this lifetime anyway. After all, what if there is no afterlife? What if our inner spark does reincarnate? Do you want to be reincarnating into a shitty existence forever?

Which brings me to another interesting little debate I dealt with in my early teens - reincarnation. When I first learnt of it, I was strongly opposed to the idea. My sporadic bible school lessons (and one devout Irish Catholic grandmother) had ingrained the idea of an afterlife into my subconscious. But the more I thought about it, the more rational and efficient the process seems.

Remarkably, I find the idea of there being no existence beyond death as a remarkably inefficient waste of energy and remarkably silly. We have consciousness for a reason. The idea to think abstractly seems more like a form of development training. Which would imply that the more creative we get, the more we think, the stronger our internal spark would get. Like exercise. It's all a bit reaching, I know, but it seems to strike something with my intuition - which I have learned to trust on many an occassion.

I know, I know, this is an odd rambling here. What am I getting at? What is the point of all this thought?

Well I know why I'm doing it. Let's just leave it at that. OOooooh I'm getting so Gandalf the Grey here. :D

I'm not claiming to have some inside track on the way the universe works. I'm simply sharing some of the thought exercises I have been doing regarding existence. My personal belief? Well, my subconscious came to much the same conclusion as Nietzsche regarding much of the universe - I have no way of knowing factually the truth of the metaphysical. Not at this juncture anyway. I have decided to leave some of that line of inquiry open until more information is available. For some of it, I have allowed myself faith in the universe. It has guided me well thus far. Despite the bad things that happen, I have been cushioned from the worst by a combination of my own efforts, those of friends and family, and a heck of a lot of unusual coincidence.

So for me, it is indisputable that there is some pattern to everything. Maybe that is the true secret. That we should focus on understanding the pattern. If we could see how the universe is being laid out, we can then change it. I have a very taoist viewpoint in that respect, most of my life is about focusing on what is happening right now. I'm no expert, though. :)

Anyway, if you have made it this far I'm impressed. Some people have mentioned that when they see my long posts they think I'm ranting and just ignore it. Trust me, this isn't a rant - it is a stream of consciousness. I have laid open some very personal thoughts here today. Some that I am often a bit shy to share. So I thank any of you who have read this far and feel that you can understand some of what I'm saying. I don't expect you to agree with me. I don't expect you to fully understand what I am saying. I have left a lot of gaps where things I have been thinking have been left out. That's because it is hard to articulate them, due to the feelings involved. :)

I hope I haven't bored you silly. And I hope this sparks some decent discussion. :)

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: The Reality Dysfunction
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood:Being thoughtful and philosophical - if somewhat obtuse and confusing in parts.