Today wasn't a bad day at work - it was just that all the pent up emotion and aggression I've been trying to deal with reached near critical mass today. Considering the emotional rollercoaster ride I've been on recently, coupled with the stress of work and the growing number of bad things that have been escalating in the world - I snapped.
Not explosively, but everyone at work knew that I was not happy. Then again, everyone at work is in a miserable mood. Much of this has to do with the highly unprofessional conduct of the owners. The staff are all tired, overworked, stressed and feeling pretty much abused by K and P. Unfortunately a culture of denial and fear has been cultivated at work by K and P to the point that despite their claims of being open to talking to the staff, nobody wants to talk to them for fear of being yelled at.
I'm stressing because I can't focus on my business while working, and I'm also stressing because I, personally, haven't been handling ESG's accounts very well at all and need to really be able to sit down and calmly set things up to rectify the matter. In my current state, that isn't going to be easy.
Then to compound on all that, I'm stressing about how I'm ever going to reach my primary goal of just being free for someone to meet. I know I should be obsessing about it - but I'm having a hard time doing so.
I feel so selfish and screwed up at the moment.
It's a shame, because on Friday I hung out with Emile and watched anime over at his place. I had a really good time and was feeling all bouncy and warm right through Saturday. (For those who haven't been following this blog, Emile is a) STRAIGHT and b) a friend from work. So don't go getting the wrong idea. I'd never be able to live it down. :D)
But the thing was, we did talk about work and I know that he's feeling the pressure too. What can be done?
I'm job hunting, and I'm seriously thinking of taking a stress-day off tomorrow to go find a new job. Of course that will leave TW in the lurch and put a HELL of a lot of pressure on the remaining staff, because the only other manager has her day off then. She already came into work today, and it would be unfair of me to end up having them force her to come into work. So I would get seriously yelled at and abused by K if I did choose to do that. Which is stressing me out even more.
Which leaves me wishing I had someone here to just hold and not talk about work - just lie on a couch with the heater on and snuggle. *sigh*
This is all my own making - I should be planning and not getting so emotional about all this. But it is so hard to do. I really do feel like a bit of a failure right now. I could go back to Auckland and pick up where I left off with my old boss - in fact I'd probably get a raise too. But I don't want to leave my friends down here. I LIKE my friends down here. I wouldn't want to be so far away from all of my Wellington friends. They have made me feel at home here more than I ever felt anywhere else. I don't want to lose that.
I just don't know what to do, folks. I am seriously miserable at work, and I hate it that when people ask me how I'm feeling it often sets off a five to ten minute rant about work.
I want to just be able to get some focus again. I wish I could regain some confidence in myself and feel like I can be loved. I can see how things have made my life the way it is - but I don't want to end up blaming anyone or anything for my unhappiness - I want to get on with it and work at getting back to being my usual happy self.
Love and Huggles
Conan
Currently Reading: Nothing at the moment
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood:Stressed and lonely
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