Harmony and Death

I've been reading The Reality Dysfunction recently, and noticed how full of violence and nastiness it is. Particularly relating to one character. I've also noticed the number of religious references and subtexts in the book - Edenists, Adamists, God's Brother - the book is rife with them. Now I realise this can be interpreted in many ways, and sometimes it bugs me a little - but it has also got me thinking about a few things.

See, one of the guiding drives in my mind is the problem with modern society. I keep trying to think about how you would go about improving the world. A lot of people keep wishing for world peace and happiness, all that fluffiness. We often desire a better world than the one we live in - but I have come to realise that while there is this noble ideal, not many people have a particularly clear vision in their heads of what this ideal world would really look like.

For me it is a problem that takes a fair bit of my subconscious processing capacity. Yes. Really. There is a "part" of my unconscious that I essentially tasked with working out a solution at about the age of six or seven. When most other kids were trying to figure out tying shoelaces, I was already in the process of seeking a better future. Obviously back then it was a lot more childish - essentially driven by the conflicts between my parents, dead goldfish and the usual kind of oddities of youth.

I remember distinctly being taught religion and then spending much of my youth berating God and the Devil for doing such a sloppy job of the world. I'm not kidding. When I was ten I used to get quite cross when I thought about children starving and how many of the people I knew personally who were unhappy. So I started trying to think about what the perfect world could be like.

Every so often I check in on my subconscious to see how it is developing - at least once a day - to see what progress has been made. Obviously, not a heck of a lot.

When I was younger I created a fantasy world in my mind called Lagunia. (Isn't it funny how kids always seem to name their fantasy kingdoms with the suffix -ia...) Anyway, Lagunia was a mixture of Narnia, Buck Rogers, Flash Gordon, Middle Earth and quasi-greek mythology. (My father was big on reading me ancient greek myths when I was child. He had a passion for fantasy. The bible was probably the least read book in our house, even though my mother was a practicising catholic.)

In Lagunia, people all just seemed to have gotten with the program and for the most part lived happily together in a kind of sci-fantasy world. (That apparently could move its entire solar system around the galaxy. I was a kid, okay?)

Most of Lagunia's conflicts involved natural disasters. Like the time a spaceport ended up catching fire, blazing Inferno style, and rescue teams had to step in to save the day. However there was a religious sector as well - until, for some reason, religion was eschewed for science (I think. I remember that in this fantasy world all the idols of the gods of Lagunia were thrown on a rubbish pile, because the gods hadn't shown up for decades. Then the creator of Lagunia returned to gently remind the people that there was more to the universe.)

But there was one main threat to Lagunia. A corrupt race that travelled in spaceships (I think inspired by the Cylons from BSG...) who were sent by the darkness in the universe to corrupt and dominate all things.

Even in my imaginary Eden, a serpent crawled.

So what am I getting at?

Well, it seems to me that Lagunia did teach me one thing - for a world to be perfect, humanity needs to be in harmony both with themselves and the world around them. Not necessarily a perfect harmony, but a mature one. In Lagunia I had seen the world as much more accepting of difference.

I think one of the biggest issues that faces the world - particularly multicultralism - is that we don't actually accept difference. Cultures are used to create difference not out of harmony, but out of a desire to be distinguished from everyone else. To stand apart. We use culture and ethnicity as a sheild to protect us from getting to close to each other. In Lagunia it was already accepted that we were all different, but that we also were a part of something greater.

Now Lagunia was a childish dream - it lacked the nuance of reality. But to a young boy whose world wasn't matching up to the way people said it should, it seemed more real than his own life, in some ways. Nowadays, I can look back and admire the complexity and maturity hidden with that world. The underlying message it was sending.

Every culture has something to offer humanity as a whole. That is the first step to harmony. Knowing that everything has something to show the other cultures. Most cultures are trying to learn this truism. They are open enough to learn what can be gained from accumulated knowledge.

Pride in your heritage should not equal a refusal to change your cultural views.

Yet there are still problems. How do you show that individuality will not be lost if we become Humans first and our cultural identities second? What about religion? Religious culture is in some ways worse than ethnic culture. Cultures based on nationality can be negotiated with - but religion doesn't look just at one nation, it tries to describe the entire universe and its meaning. As much as it would be easy to say "religion should be abandoned" - it simply isn't that easy. Nor is religion something that can be treated as a speedbump to harmony.

So as you can see, I think a lot about these things. I haven't even scratched the surface of the daily debate that rages in the far recesses of my subconscious mind. Fear not everyone, I'm not some psycho who is going to flip-out one day. Everyone compartimentalises parts of their thinking into their subconscious. Most of us just don't realise it. It has been through years of self development and study of various meditative philosophies that has allowed me to be aware of this process. I am simply conscious of my self and how it is operating at any given moment. Not a perfect taoist or self-actualised understanding, but enough to be able to say with no arrogance that I do know my feelings, thoughts and why they are there. But I digress...

Tonight I started to think about what happens after life. See, I'm thinking that this idealised and harmonised future world is a difficult one to achieve. It also seems that it could even possibly be impossible.

So today's thought process led to thinking about death and what comes after. What if this life, this existence is meant to be the way it is so that in the next life we actually value harmony. It seems a reasonable assertion, when you think about it in those terms. If there is an afterlife, I used to wonder how inefficient this world seemed to be. But if it is a learning ground, a place to truly learn the value of a harmonious life - then the buddhists and taoists are on to something. Religion in general, though maybe not wholly accurate about the true mechanism, is in the right. Regardless of the path you take, you can still gain enlightenment - so to speak.

But then, I wonder, it still seems wasteful. To think that our existence now is just some Star Trek holodeck process to prepare us for the real world seems kind of a wanky way of doing things. Why not just learn in the real world?

But then, why die?

This seems to eventually lead back to the argument that we should be trying to harmonise in this lifetime anyway. After all, what if there is no afterlife? What if our inner spark does reincarnate? Do you want to be reincarnating into a shitty existence forever?

Which brings me to another interesting little debate I dealt with in my early teens - reincarnation. When I first learnt of it, I was strongly opposed to the idea. My sporadic bible school lessons (and one devout Irish Catholic grandmother) had ingrained the idea of an afterlife into my subconscious. But the more I thought about it, the more rational and efficient the process seems.

Remarkably, I find the idea of there being no existence beyond death as a remarkably inefficient waste of energy and remarkably silly. We have consciousness for a reason. The idea to think abstractly seems more like a form of development training. Which would imply that the more creative we get, the more we think, the stronger our internal spark would get. Like exercise. It's all a bit reaching, I know, but it seems to strike something with my intuition - which I have learned to trust on many an occassion.

I know, I know, this is an odd rambling here. What am I getting at? What is the point of all this thought?

Well I know why I'm doing it. Let's just leave it at that. OOooooh I'm getting so Gandalf the Grey here. :D

I'm not claiming to have some inside track on the way the universe works. I'm simply sharing some of the thought exercises I have been doing regarding existence. My personal belief? Well, my subconscious came to much the same conclusion as Nietzsche regarding much of the universe - I have no way of knowing factually the truth of the metaphysical. Not at this juncture anyway. I have decided to leave some of that line of inquiry open until more information is available. For some of it, I have allowed myself faith in the universe. It has guided me well thus far. Despite the bad things that happen, I have been cushioned from the worst by a combination of my own efforts, those of friends and family, and a heck of a lot of unusual coincidence.

So for me, it is indisputable that there is some pattern to everything. Maybe that is the true secret. That we should focus on understanding the pattern. If we could see how the universe is being laid out, we can then change it. I have a very taoist viewpoint in that respect, most of my life is about focusing on what is happening right now. I'm no expert, though. :)

Anyway, if you have made it this far I'm impressed. Some people have mentioned that when they see my long posts they think I'm ranting and just ignore it. Trust me, this isn't a rant - it is a stream of consciousness. I have laid open some very personal thoughts here today. Some that I am often a bit shy to share. So I thank any of you who have read this far and feel that you can understand some of what I'm saying. I don't expect you to agree with me. I don't expect you to fully understand what I am saying. I have left a lot of gaps where things I have been thinking have been left out. That's because it is hard to articulate them, due to the feelings involved. :)

I hope I haven't bored you silly. And I hope this sparks some decent discussion. :)

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: The Reality Dysfunction
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood:Being thoughtful and philosophical - if somewhat obtuse and confusing in parts.

Review Time: Snakes on a Plane

When I first suggested to Emile that we should go check out Snakes on a Plane he looked at me as if I was crazy. Well, okay, Emile often looks at me as if I'm crazy. But in this case even more so. He hadn't heard of the crazy internet fuelled history (and some would say hysteria) behind this movie. I took it upon myself to bring him up to date about the movie.

The result of this was Emile spending Sunday at work saying to me "Motherfucking Snakes on a Motherfucking Plane."

So last night was the night. We girded ourselves with Garlic Naan bread (and I drank waaaay too much Pepsi, so that I was squirming in the seat by the end of the movie... but the less said about that, the better. Needless to say I almost did irrepairable damage to my bladder and liver to stay until the end of the movie...)

I think the best way of describe Snakes on a Plane is to say Motherfucking Hilarious.

This is possibly the best parody and tribute of exploitation cinema ever. It is played straight-faced, while playing on your expectations all the way through. Don't get me wrong - this isn't cinematic genius by any stretch. Rather, if you are an afficianado of exploitation films from the 70s and really enjoyed their trashy silliness - Snakes on a Plane is just a perfect piss-take.

It uses all the elements of these films - the stereotyped passengers (to the point that I whispered to Emile "where's the hispanic character?" to then have a passenger barely seconds later on the screen turn and talk to someone in her thick hispanic accent.) Yet the film also tricks you into thinking that one group of people are going to die and then have someone else kick it.

I laughed my ass off throughout this film - it was just fantastic stuff. All because the cast clearly knew that it was a trashy movie and they put in excellent performances. Understated enough to not become pantomime while over the top enough to be funny. Samuel L. Jackson just has a blast being Samuel L. Jackson (and, after all, that is why people wanted him in the film. This guy knows how to deliver what the audience wants. People were applauding in the cinema!)

All I can say is - two thumbs up. Fucking excellent! :D

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: The Reality Dysfunction
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood: Still buzzing over the film. So much fun!

Dirty Limerice, Sex and Love

"There was a young boy from Nantucket..."

So I've been thinking about love again. Yeah, yeah, that's like saying I woke up this morning - okay, Conan is obessessed with the idea of love, let's move on. :D

Basically I was thinking about it the other day and remembered reading in the newspaper once about "limerence." Now I'm not an expert on this little pseudo-psychological term, so I did a little investigating:

(The concept of limerence stems from the research of Dorothy Tennov...)

A review of Tennov's book

So essentially, the theory goes that limerence is an intense emotional feeling for someone, but it kind of doesn't matter who the limerant object is - and the emotional feeling moves from person to person.

I have kind of wondered if my feelings for some people was a case of limerence. However I'm not sure I buy into the theory enough. The impression I get is that limerence is very hard to distinguish from love, and it seems that the core requirement involves reciprocation. Because Tennov argues that if the limerant object reciprocates, then the limerence feeling will likely "transform" into love.

So why is it different from simply having unrequited love?

The impression I get is that limerence is temporary. It fades with time for one person and shifts on to a new person.

Which I think we all have experienced at some point or another. (I remember a friend, Phil, who I felt that for. Of course the more I got to know Phil, the more I totally got over that feeling. :D)

But then I remember how there are three particular cases where the people involved could show up tomorrow and I would still feel the same for them as I did when I first realised I was in love. Yep, I have fallen in love three times in my life. I know it is love because even now I feel love for them. Of course I still wouldn't want to be in relationships with some of them now...

Firstly, one of these guys is my Archnemesis - who I haven't seen in about six years or so now. But I do think about him from time to time.

The second guy, Steve, I still keep in touch with from time to time. But I know now that we really would struggle in a relationship. We're just not compatible enough - we have a lot in common, but I think where we don't share interests is where there would be issues. I still think about it from time to time though. Steve is a really sweet guy.

Finally, there is Alex. No need to go into that can of worms again. :) Needless to say, if we really could work together, it would have likely happened by now.

So here I am thinking about love and limerence. Why?

Because I'm me. While most people have spent their lives thinking about careers and money, I've always felt that love is the most important thing. I want to find someone who loves me. Or who wants to at least be open to the possibility that we could fall in love. I enjoy feeling wanted, and I love to help people when I can.

The problem is that currently the list of prospective partners is woefully short.

Now for the bit that will squick some people out - Conan talks about sex. :D

See, this has been the other thing that has been bugging me recently.

Sex is always a confusing issue for me. Namely because it is kind of not the done things to talk about it openly, and yet I often feel that it should be able to be talked about a bit more. After all, it is only sex. Yet I have to admit that I always feel kind of embarrassed talking about it.

Worst of all because I have found myself wondering if I really would be willing to have sex with someone I had been dating. See, I like kissing and hugging (although the last time I had any kind of a snog was so long ago they hadn't even had an election in NZ yet...) but sex is kind of, well, that's the problem.

See I think about it, and certainly don't hate it. Hell, I'll just say I'm not bad at it or anything. But...

I really want to be kissing more. Honestly, I have been obessessing about kissing a lot recently. It's what I miss most of all.

Not to mention that the only people I have kissed I have not really had strong feeling for - just an attraction that was borne from loneliness.

Hmmm... that kind of makes me sound slutty. Time to point out that I tend to have this two-year cycle. I rarely hook up with people. I can count the number of people on one hand, folks.

So for those of you still hanging around... the upshot of all this thinking is that I am feeling the need for companionship. Not sexual, but emotional. I want someone who is interesting and shares some interests - but also has something about them that is unique and we can share.

Someone who can share jokes with me, someone who can hang out with Henley and I without feeling a little left out of the loop, someone who I can share some of my more introspective thoughts that I don't put on this blog...

Yeah yeah, I want a Hollywood romance movie out of my life. Sue me. :D

It's just been on my mind a lot recently. I have no illusions that it will be easy. Relationships never are. There are very few guarantees in this world.

But love is something so vital to the human condition, yet we often neglect it most. To the point that some of us look for ways to deny its existence rather than face that feeling we have.

I've yet to be loved in return. Heck, I'm yet to have a real relationship. I think it's well past the time I was with someone. Yeah, I know I make it difficult by only wanting to date someone I genuinely want to date rather than just anyone. :)

I'm not depressed... just... melancholy maybe? :)

I'm definitely not going to be taking the position of being a loner for the rest of my life.

Um...

I'm not really sure what else I want to say now. :) This line of thought has really just streamed out. I think it's time for me to go to work. :D

Love and Huggles

Conan

P.s. I'll try to not be so emo next post. :D BTW check out Hope is Emo, it's pretty funny. :D

Currently Reading: The Reality Dysfunction
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood: Feeling pretty good at the moment

Review Time: Immortal and Casshern

Wow. What can I say. Being a wet and dull evening lined up for me, I decided to trade some old DVDs in for a new movie to watch - while I was at Real Groovy, I saw Immortal on the shelf and remembered looking at the poster online and being very intrigued by it.

The basic story goes like this. The year is 2095. A corporation named Eugenics has taken over the world through manipulation of the world's governments. New York, in particular, seems to be suffering a number of problems. Not only is there an issue with aliens moving to Earth and mutants abound, the city is now dealing with an incident called the Intrusion - basically a space-time anomaly that has ripped open Central Park.

But that's not all folks. A pyramid has appeared over the city, raising the already tense levels of conflict in the city.

See, the egyptians were right - their gods are the true gods of the universe, it appears. And now Horus (for some reason not really explained) has seven days before he loses his immortality. Yeah, yeah, nobody stopped to ask "if you stop being immortal, doesn't that mean you never were immortal?" Look, just go with it.

So Horus has some master plan to ensure he doesn't actually kick the deitic bucket when his time runs out. It involves a girl, a man in cryostasis and a sleazy hotel room. No. I'm not making this up. Really.

Okay, so while Horus gets his shit together - involving a sideline career as a serial killer because all these genetically altered humans are unsuitable to contain his divine essence - a mysterious pale woman with blue hair, amnesia and the ability to blast energy bolts from her hands is scooped up by Eugenics.

See, it ends up that Eugenics has set up the world so that the genetically enhanced (who all look like CG rejects from Hellraiser for the most part) live at the top of the food chain and normal humans live in slums. Now to genetically enhance people, Eugenics needs fresh... parts. Guess where they get them from. Anyhoop, this girl is saved by a lesbian doctor who doesn't actually have sex or even likes to watch. As far as I can tell she gets off by reading medical readouts of the women she treats or something. Go figure. It simply isn't explained.

MEANWHILE, a detective is investigating a series of grusome murders where genetically enhanced people have spontaneously exploded. Oh, and the Senator of New York is dealing with something - I think it is covering up his connection with Eugenics, making contact with the Pyramid spaceship and feeding flying tentacled hammer-head shark aliens. Um. Yeah.

MEANWHILE, a bunch of cryochambers on an orbital station fall on New York and land on one of the bridges. Horus saves this guy, Nikopol, who was in one of the tubes. Unfortunately Nikopol loses his leg in the process - but Horus makes him a new one out of a steel pylon.

*sigh*

Then we find out that Horus great plan (which he states is beyond human comprehension and understanding) is to shag the blue chick from another continuum/reality so that he can have a kid who will be his reincarnation. Yeah. Because if there is one thing that we humans just don't get, it's sex.

Somehow all this is going to be resolved in a 105 minute movie.

Immortal utilises a fully digital set - like Sky Captain and Casshern. Basically the world is fully CG, with the actors standing infront of a green screen. Unfortunately for some inexplicable reason there are only three actors in the movie. Everyone else is CG. And we're not talking good CG, here. We're talking early 1990s Playstation cutscenes CG people. Which look odd against the gorgeous city and vehicles. Horus and the other egyptian gods are also CG, and look kinda okay for the most part.

BUT WHAT THE HELL WAS WITH ALL THE OTHER PEOPLE? I watched the credits. They hired individual actors to do the voices of all the other characters. Voice actors aren't that much cheaper to hire, and they would have needed actors to do the motion capture. So why have CG people at all? Why not get real actors? GAH!

The movie is based on a series of Belgian comics called the Nikopol trilogy - which, from a little google research - look like they were actually quite cool. So what the hell happened? Immortal is, to put it bluntly, stupid. It has a crap plot, a REALLY dumb execution and the only thing worth commenting on is the gorgeous scenery. The idea of gods coming to a futuristic society and showing that there is more to the universe than science is a cool idea. Shame it got lost in the bizarre mix of ideas and plots and FRICKING LOW-GRADE CG PEOPLE!

I may keep this DVD around for a while longer to see if there can be any humour factor regained from it.

On to Casshern. Ahhh. Well to be honest I haven't actually watched all of it yet. Why? Because this DVD is possibly... no... it is the worst DVD transfer ever. It looks worse than a bootleg copy filmed in the middle of the theatre. The quality of the visuals is simply shocking. I stopped it after one minute of over saturated poorly visible and hideously choppy recording.

The fact that the subtitles aren't an option, they are filmed onto the actual video - because it was clearly transfered from analogue onto a digital copy. This means that the DVD has a shocking degredation of quality. So bad that it is difficult to make out details and the beauty of the movie is lost to poor quality.

So I remain uncertain as to how cool Casshern is. Maybe I will be able to force myself to watch this shit copy, but I am boycotting anything by Rialto Home Entertainment again until they can produce a decent quality DVD. Very disappointed.

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: The Reality Dysfunction
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood: Protecting you all from crap DVDs!

I have culture!

Review Time: Gilgamesh

Right, on to another anime I've been slowly collecting - Gilgamesh.

Now this series is weird. Firstly, I was drawn to the cover art on the dvd box. The picture I added is from the first DVD. It is beautifully evocative and has something nice about the design and layout. The original description put me in mind of a dark anime version of Xmen - boy was I wrong!

Taking its cue from such classics as Akira and Neon Genesis Evangelion, Gilgamesh is set in a post-apocalyptic world. At some point in the near future there will be a war in the middle east where the ruins of the city of Uruk will be revealed. Scientists discover that there is something odd about the ruins and unite in the biggest collaboration in human history - this unified archeological project is named Heaven's Gate.

Something freaks the heads out and eventually the project is closed. On the day that it is meant to shut down, a scientist turns terrorist and sets something off from the central chamber of the dig - Gilgamesh's tomb. This sets off a strange event known as Twin X (named because the date of the event is the tenth of October.) The result of this catastrophic event is that the sky is covered in a strange aurora borealis type event that mirrors the ground below it. This mirror is named the Sheltering Sky.

The series then picks up about fourteen years later, after war and famine have wrought hideous changes on the world and society has only just begun to restore itself. A side effect of the sheltering sky is that computers no longer work and planes can't fly long distances anymore.

Tatsuya and his sister Kiyoko are running from debt-collectors when they cross paths with these mysterious androgynous-looking men who offer them protection. The men are known as Gilgamesh. They are fighting a faction called Orga, who have psychic children on their side to combat Gilgamesh and their mysterious leader Enkidu.

From that set up, the series proves to be one of the best mystery thrillers since Rah Xephon. The twists and turns in the series are clever and manage to start with playing on the cliches of anime. Where the series initially sets up what seems to be a kind of Akira meets Evangelion clone, it deliberately uses this to lull the audience into a false confidence of how the series is going to develop. But if I was to really compare Gilgamesh to a show, it would Boogiepop Phantom. Much like Boogiepop, Gilgamesh utilises a lower range of colours to give everything a washed out and gothic appearance. All the colours are drab, meaning that bright colours really stand out when they are used.

The series also follows the kind of twisty manner that BPP did, leaving a lot of the mystery shown rather than outright said. This series rewards the astute viewer through how the characters react rather than what is said. Initially I thought that the character designs and animation were pretty cheap and crappy - but as the series progresses I've come to realise that it is all part of the "feel" of the show. It somehow ends up (possibly unintentionally) adding to the experience.

All in all, I have been really impressed with the way this show has developed - and the english dub has truly excellent voice acting. Again, I thought it was wooden at first, but as the series progressed it has become apparent how nuanced the performances are. These are broken people, and many of them have gained a tragic apathy due to the world around them. As the series progresses I have become aware of how well the actors carry the weight of the show with their performance. There have been a number of scenes where there is no music, scant sound and all the power of the scene has relied on the voice actors to make you believe the characters are really there experiencing things in front of you.

In a way it is also like Argentosoma, in that respect.

Two thumbs up. Gligamesh is dark, gothic and very odd. I love it! :D

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: The Reality Dysfunction
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood:Still under stress, but coping with the help of anime...

Hanging around

So the stress factor came back with a vengence when K decided to throw her considerably weight around the store again yesterday. It was a bit frustrating, but luckily I had taken some St John's Wort to keep me calm and balanced.

I went into work briefly today to deliver a bag of cookies to the staff to help them relax a little. Chatted with Emile, which is always good, and then headed home. I'm still wound up and currently looking for a new job - but I'm hoping that some sort of resolution can be reached with the owners. It is interesting to note how much the pressure keeps ramping up at work.

In other news, I'm kind of without anything to do tonight. I'm not really in the mood to hang out at Games Club. I just don't feel up to it at the moment and I'm going to have to wait until I have a working website for the punters to check out. :)

Anyhoop - I haven't really got much to report. I'm feeling all warm and bubbly at the moment, so that's a good sign. Or I'm melting. I'll get back to you all later about it once I have ascertained which of the two it is. ;)

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: The Reality Dysfunction
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood: Thinking warm and fuzzy thoughts...

Review Time: Ghost in the Shell - Stand Alone Complex

In a bit of a break from my ranting, I thought I'd chat a little about the latest show I've been watching. :)

Ghost in the Shell - Stand Alone Complex is a reimagining of the highly acclaimed movie of the early ninties. Taking its cues from the original Manga, the series is a clever mix of one-off stories and an interlinking series of "complex" episodes.

The general set up is Japan in the year 2030. Cybertechnology has reached some pretty impressive levels of sophistication, allowing for a large number of people in the world to be cybernetically enhanced in some way or another. Most people have a "cyberbrain" installed, which basically allows them to be linked into a variety of wireless networks and peripherals.

Most interestingly is the development of Artificial Intelligence. The series often explores the the implications of having AI technology so advanced that it is indistinguishable from real-life. Yet the series shows that humanity has identified a thing called a "Ghost" which is the sentience of a human being. Your ghost is something that AI can't mimic, yet it can be transfered from one body to another. The concept is quite fascinating, especially when characters identify that a "ghost" can't be copied - or when it is, it degrades. However it can be transfered to a cyberbrain - allowing some people to live longer in robotic bodies.

Visually, GiTS-SAC is freaking gorgeous. Possibly the sexiest of the standard animes I have - Gankutsuou (Count of Monte Cristo) remains the most lushly animated show. GiTS-SAC has an impressive degree of detailing put into the backgrounds, characters and simple tricks like the lighting. The CG work is damn impressive. From the beautiful opening episode, up to the latest show I've seen where one of the Tachikoma battletanks goes on a trip to help a girl find her dog - it's all very clever and beautiful to watch.

Most impressive is the blending of GiTS philosophical themes about what humanity is and how "unique" are we with a high action show. Very few episodes have a slow down in pace - most of them involve a great mix of action and thematic discussion.

This is a definitely 5/5 show to date. I'm hoping it keeps up the momentum. :)

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: The Reality Dysfunction
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood:Feeling tired, stressed, but a better than before

What to do...

Mum, in her infinite wisdom, arranged for someone to call me and have a chat with me about what's been happening and help me plan some strategies. The problem was I was told that this would happen between 6-7pm last night.

Panda_Pitt, who was hanging out with me at the time can attest that the only call I got was around 8:10 when Mum rang to tell me that her friend had called and gotten my answerphone. Weird. So she got all pouty when I pointed out that I was going to Stephanie's flatwarming, because I hadn't received a call in the time period agreed upon. *sigh*

Which was not really a good idea... because it ended up ADDING to my stress - not helping clear it up, which had been the point of the exercise. So now I am even more stressed, Mum is acting as if I don't want her help and I'm really finding this whole situation basically getting worse.

I have had increasing anxiety dreams, and I'm frustrated because I need to make a decision and my emotional state is not really conducive to making rational decisions. On top of all that, I'm stressing about the fact that despite plenty of notice, work is telling me that I can't have the weekend off for Megaroleplaying - which was part of the build-up to this current juncture. Their reason, I'm a duty manager. Which is a handy excuse for them - seeing as my contract doesn't list me as a manager and I'm not actually paid duty manager wages.

Basically, I'm duty manager when it suits and when they don't want to make any decisions or committments. >:(

It's not quite as bad as when I was at M, but it is getting there very quickly. Everybody at work is on edge and I'm finding it really hard to just not care.

Believe it or not, there are other things happening as well that I'm not talking about - needless to say that this isn't just about work. The thing is, I always feel that work should be a place to get away from personal pressures - something that isn't necessarily fun, but is able to be kept a little seperate. The problem is that there is so much negative energy and pressure at work, it's not helping, and carrying that much pressure is simply not healthy. So something has to give NOW. I'm getting physical manifestations of my stress now, which means something has to be done soon before I have something really bad happen.

Worst of all, each day I find I wind myself up more...

I wonder if this is going to lead to some sort of nervous breakdown. *sigh*

I'll see how things go today. I'm going to try and skip the staff meeting tonight - I can't really face being there at the moment.

Conan

Currently Reading: The Reality Dysfunction
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood: Still under a lot of stress

Stay of execution

Well I spoke to Mum, and we had a discussion about my plans. She was against my quitting. I'm still not convinced that I should be staying in that place, what with the atmosphere there at the moment. So I'm waiting until Thursday. I'm going to be talking to a number of people over the next couple of days just to get an idea of what they think I should do.

I'm taking St John's Wort for the stress - which is helping keep me focused. Now I need to just focus on getting things set up on the ESG website and I will eventually be fine.

Still wishing that someone was here to just help me deal with all this pressure... *sigh* But things take time. I need to be patient and remind myself - it all works out in the long term.


Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: The Reality Dysfunction
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood: Tired, but getting better...

A Day Off

I made the decision to take a stress day off to sort things out. I've looked over what I need to do to help get my business profitable - it is going to take about a year before ESG turns a profit. That's okay, at least I can now see that it is possible. :)

However, I'm going to need to sort things out in the interim. One issue is that I still can't seem to get a small business grant - which is what is holding everything up. I called WINZ and got flatly told that I had to be unemployed for 26 weeks before I could get a grant. >:( Which is stupid, to put it bluntly. If I can produce a good business plan (which I have) and proof that it can potentially grow to turn a profit, then I should be able to apply for a grant. Why have all this talk about getting more small businesses up and running if you wont support the people who try.

Once again, being a 30-something who isn't lower-class ends up working against me.

So I'm going to go into WINZ later today to see if there is some other solution - I was told by someone else that they managed to get a grant without having been registered for 26 weeks... so I'm going to ask what the HELL is up.

Googling is certainly not proving to be helpful either... which is frustrating me as well. I've come to realise that I still need about $4-8k to be able to boost the business up efficiently. Not that I can't do it without that money - but I will need to start seeing some income soon.

Since CONfusion I have had absolutely no money come into the business. Just going out.

Part of the problem is that the printer I was relying on has assed around and not done anything, and the website has still not reached a point where I can advertise it to people yet.

Now if I wasn't working at TW I could have spent time focusing on those issues and got something underway. But I need to have my expenses covered in that time. *sigh*

I'm not really sure what to do. I've written my resignation for work - and I'm hunting jobs today. Hopefully that will net me something...

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Nothing really at the moment
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood: Still feeling stressed

@$@&^!*@#!!!

No I haven't got a virus - after all, I use apple - just hinting as to how frustrating work has become lately. To the point that I'm currently exploring potential exit strategies.

Today wasn't a bad day at work - it was just that all the pent up emotion and aggression I've been trying to deal with reached near critical mass today. Considering the emotional rollercoaster ride I've been on recently, coupled with the stress of work and the growing number of bad things that have been escalating in the world - I snapped.

Not explosively, but everyone at work knew that I was not happy. Then again, everyone at work is in a miserable mood. Much of this has to do with the highly unprofessional conduct of the owners. The staff are all tired, overworked, stressed and feeling pretty much abused by K and P. Unfortunately a culture of denial and fear has been cultivated at work by K and P to the point that despite their claims of being open to talking to the staff, nobody wants to talk to them for fear of being yelled at.

I'm stressing because I can't focus on my business while working, and I'm also stressing because I, personally, haven't been handling ESG's accounts very well at all and need to really be able to sit down and calmly set things up to rectify the matter. In my current state, that isn't going to be easy.

Then to compound on all that, I'm stressing about how I'm ever going to reach my primary goal of just being free for someone to meet. I know I should be obsessing about it - but I'm having a hard time doing so.

I feel so selfish and screwed up at the moment.

It's a shame, because on Friday I hung out with Emile and watched anime over at his place. I had a really good time and was feeling all bouncy and warm right through Saturday. (For those who haven't been following this blog, Emile is a) STRAIGHT and b) a friend from work. So don't go getting the wrong idea. I'd never be able to live it down. :D)

But the thing was, we did talk about work and I know that he's feeling the pressure too. What can be done?

I'm job hunting, and I'm seriously thinking of taking a stress-day off tomorrow to go find a new job. Of course that will leave TW in the lurch and put a HELL of a lot of pressure on the remaining staff, because the only other manager has her day off then. She already came into work today, and it would be unfair of me to end up having them force her to come into work. So I would get seriously yelled at and abused by K if I did choose to do that. Which is stressing me out even more.

Which leaves me wishing I had someone here to just hold and not talk about work - just lie on a couch with the heater on and snuggle. *sigh*

This is all my own making - I should be planning and not getting so emotional about all this. But it is so hard to do. I really do feel like a bit of a failure right now. I could go back to Auckland and pick up where I left off with my old boss - in fact I'd probably get a raise too. But I don't want to leave my friends down here. I LIKE my friends down here. I wouldn't want to be so far away from all of my Wellington friends. They have made me feel at home here more than I ever felt anywhere else. I don't want to lose that.

I just don't know what to do, folks. I am seriously miserable at work, and I hate it that when people ask me how I'm feeling it often sets off a five to ten minute rant about work.

I want to just be able to get some focus again. I wish I could regain some confidence in myself and feel like I can be loved. I can see how things have made my life the way it is - but I don't want to end up blaming anyone or anything for my unhappiness - I want to get on with it and work at getting back to being my usual happy self.

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Nothing at the moment
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood:Stressed and lonely

A sad day...

While I am sure that many people aren't surprised by the news, the police have confirmed that Daniel Hansman's body was found in Wellington Harbour. :(

There isn't much that I can say that wouldn't sound trite or hasn't been said by people who have more of a right to express their feelings and thoughts.

My condolences and sorrow for the Hansman family and Daniel's friends. I would appreciate it if we all took a little time out today to quietly think about how easy it was for Daniel Hansman to just vanish without anyone noticing. To learn to be more aware of our surroundings and friends.

:(

Conan

Concerns, Hope and Worry

Because as of the time of writing this post there has still been no news, I'm going to do my bit to help. Why? Because I met Daniel once at the beginning of the year and used to see him walking around Cuba and Manners Mall regularly. Because I want to do something to help. So I've added a link the the find Daniel Hansman site. I hope that if any of you learn or know of any information that might help you will contact the Wellington Police.

I find it hard to believe that someone can just go missing off Courtney Place without someone knowing something. At this point, I remain hopeful that Daniel could still turn up - and I pray that his family receive good news soon.

There is really nothing else I want to write today - tomorrow will be a return to my own self-focused thougts. Today, can people try to keep an eye and ear out for any news or clues at all.

Here's hoping for the best news.

Conan

Mood: Worried


Find Daniel Hansman - If you are reading this from Wellington, New Zealand, please check this link and contact someone if you know anything.

Dreaming...

CONfusion was fantastic! Sure, I managed to sell product at the event, but it was also a lot of fun to just hang out with other gamers just playing boardgames all day. :) I'm keen to play in some of the scenarios next time - so I'm hoping to come up with a way to do that and still keep the stall running. But that is for next year.

Now it is a case of getting this printing service sorted out - Gordon is still dragging his heels - and finally having the website active. Then I can look at advertising across the net.

So I've been having some strange dreams recently.

The first one was about Jeremy - my Archnemesis. I haven't seen Jer in years, but we had a ripsnorter of a falling out that led to us having a rather antagonistic relationship. It's funny how I thought myself mature back then, but now I realise how stupid I had been and how much I helped lead things to the explosive situation that it ended up being.

Anyway, in my dream we finally met each other again and there was a certain weariness. We were trying to heal the friendship and inadvertantly we started making out. I remember waking up feeling kind of... relieved and sad at the same time. I'm wondering what my brain is trying to tell me.

The next dream was a confused one where I was with some of the WARGS crowd, I think, and Emile showed up. I have no idea why, and I was introducing him to everyone. There was a strange atmosphere in the room and I was trying to measure what was going on. It was kind of weird because Emile was dressed in a blue hawaiian shirt.

In my dream last night things were REALLY strange. I was a time-traveller (Or someone was, it kept changing) and I was going back to some point in the late nineties. This woman who was going to help train me to go back in time was explaining that the 90s weren't as war-torn as history mentioned. I was asking if I could go see someone I knew back then (although I don't know who it was) and she started to ask if I was going to be taking a bottle of wine and started making all sorts of suggestive expressions. Then it kind of switched into a bizarre anime style thing with other people going back in time and being all nasty and weird... then my alarm woke me up.

At the moment I'm trying to make some decisions about my emotional state. More than once these last few days I've been finding myself wondering if I can allow someone to love me, and how I intend to find someone. I'm feeling more and more like the world is spinning out of control. I worry about the future and what could be done to help making things better.

As an aside - how many people have seen the missing posters around town. I'm sure I saw that guy at Vics club a couple of times prior to his going missing. I'm hoping he's just run off with some friends and hasn't contacted anyone yet. Otherwise... I'm hoping that he is okay. I'm hoping we'll all be okay. The world seems to becoming a more and more apathetic place. I don't want to live the rest of my life in a world like that. I want the hopefulness that we started this millennium off with - not the violent, fearful place it is becoming.

:(

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Pendragon 5th Edition
Currently Playing: The Grand Experiment; Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood:Worried

What does a guy have to do?

*sigh*

So I have another movie date with another straight guy this week. It's kind of getting a bit disheartening that the only people I know are virtually all straight. Or lesbians.

I've given up on the internet dating thing - after about six years I have yet to meet anyone who is interested in me at the same time I am interested in them.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not really depressed about this. Just kind of tired of it all.

I could go to a club - but they tend to be full of sleazy types, or people who are totally appearance focused, and I'm not feeling at my sexiest at the moment. I'm pretty down on gay culture. It seems kind of... well... teh lame. :D

No wonder people say "that's so gay" when they mean something is uncool. :D

But I digress. I've been spending a lot of time hanging out with Emile and panda_pitt and while I really enjoy their company, I'm kind of at that point where I would like to be dating someone now rather than just hanging out with my straight friends all the time.

Admittedly, I haven't done a lot to mingle with the "scene" here in Welly, but the few encounters I have had really haven't done anything to make me keen to keep up with it.

But there is another side to all of this...

Maybe I really have gotten to the point of no return. There was an old saying that once you hit 30, the prospects dry up. It seems so true - most of the guys my age seem only interested in twinks and young guys. Now, I have no problems with dating younger guys, but I still believe that if you are expecting someone 6-8 years younger than you to go out with you, it should follow that you ought to at least be willing to date people your own age and a bit older. Sure, nobody wants to date their dad - but I'm frustrated with the 30-35 set who seem to think that they can only have relationships with guys younger than 27.

Me? I just want to meet someone that I make a connection with, be he 18 or 38. Realistically, though, I'd prefer to meet someone a little closer to my age.

Then I wonder if I could have a serious relationship with a guy... it seems to me that those kind of relationships are very very rare. Maybe I am better off just being on my own. So many people I know seem to perceive me in that kind of a light - Conan as an entity is rarely seen by people as someone in a relationship.

I challenge those of you who know me well to try and picture the sort of person (male or female) that you could imagine me settling down with. Having any trouble there?

I know who that person would be, in my mind. They don't have a lot in the way of physical features - but I know the personality. Those are the people I get attracted to most. The people who show aspects of that personality.

Anyway - the point of this post... what is there left for me to do? I have effectively placed myself in a position where I will not meet someone. I suspect that, in a way, I have told myself that it is just too much trouble. After almost fifteen years of socialising, and having still not been in an actual relationship with anyone and having had my heart broken three times now - I am letting the world know. I give in. I get it now. I'm not meant to be with anyone. Uncle. Eventually you have to admit when you can't defeat the facts. There are some of us who just don't get to experience true love.

I'm not really depressed. I think resigned is a better word...

Conan

Currently Reading: nothing at the moment
Currently Playing: The Grand Experiment; Exalted; World of Darkness: The University Club
Mood: Resigned to his lot in life?

Review Time: Planetes

In Space No One Can Hear You Work...

Planetes has been an anime that I have toyed with buying into for a while now. The art design is attractive, and the cover showing one of the characters mid-space walk is very evocative. As is usual when I'm intrigued by an anime, I checked out animeondvd.com.



To say the reviews were glowing is probably a bit of an understatement. After watching four episodes now, I have to say that it deserves every ounce of praise. What makes Planetes so appealing is what would normally make it seem so boring - it is unlike other anime in that it is literally about people living normal lives.

It's just that these people just happen to work on a space-station in the year 2075.

Planetes tells its tale at an easy pace, taking its time showing us how everything works. While some of the technology is a bit on the advanced side the physics of the setting are pretty faithful to reality. The DVD comes with an interview with people from NASA, and a lot of the designs are pretty convincing.

The characters are all warm and likeable people who behave in a comical manner - but not too over the top. I can't help but feel that the show would have worked live-action, and the scripting really treats it as if it is a live-action dramedy. :)

What appeals to me are the little details that they think of. When characters are travelling in zero-g areas of the station, there are cut-shots showing their feet hooking into railings, or their hands/feet pushing off surfaces. This allows the animators to convince the viewer that everything you see is genuinely happening in a zero-g environment - often used to great effect when less trained characters will unexpectedly go out of control.

Very clever.

I highly recommend checking this show out - it has a certain appeal and charm that has impressed me. Loads of fun.

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Nothing
Currently Playing: The Grand Experiment; World of Darkness: The University Club
Mood: Feeling pretty bouncy!