Went out with Kevin last night, our usual cafe catch-up. I've pretty much decided that while he's cool to hang out with, I'm not interested in pursuing things beyond that. But at least I'm not getting depressed about being single or anything like that. :)
I kind of had a strange moment the other week where I was asking myself, am I just avoiding an actual relationship? It's not really true, but I do think that I have tired of the chase, so to speak. Which means I am getting to that position where I just will accept that I will be single for the rest of my life - I'm approaching the point where it isn't worth the effort any more.
Guys just have majorly unrealistic expectations. I think about what I expect - I want someone who I can have a real conversation with, and who isn't too ugly to look at. Someone who makes me feel a "zing" eventually. I've met guys who have done this and who weren't hyper attractive or particularly successful - people who have met Alex can attest to this. ;)
But why is it that all the guys I do meet seem to have set impossible targets. Apparently to even be considered I have to be successful, goal-oriented, gym-fit, have all my hair on my head and no hair on my body, possibly rich, funny, serious, masculine, but mad about sex all the time, kinky, but not into anything too kinky, either ten years younger, or eighteen.
And then I look at what women want- and it's all the same. What has happened to our culture when people no longer look for simpler things in a partner. People are no longer looking for partners for emotional reasons, it seems to be more about sex and money.
I should just become a monk and save myself the stress.
It is a tough world when the kind of places that I could have met someone tend to be full of the overly flamboyant, and I keep thinking that somewhere out there is someone who is my perfect match - and he's never going to meet me.
And sometimes. Just sometimes. I still wish that Alex would come around. Even though that will never happen.
I have been fighting the urge to text him all week. But what would I say that wouldn't be a lie. I just want to text "I love you. Move down here and I will make you happier than you have ever been." But what use is that? He's in a happy relationship.
*sigh*
I need to meet someone who is more like me. I need to heal this broken heart and I need to be able to move on.
In regards to the business... it is going well, but I'm playing things too cautiously. I'm waiting for this roleplaying stock to show up, and so many people are subtly giving me the impression that they don't expect me to succeed. Sometimes I feel that things are weighing up against me, and I'm having trouble distinguishing my own concerns from the reality.
If this wasn't a good idea - what was? Where am I supposed to be? I'm 31 and I should have my life more together than this. It is just feeling like I'm continuing to screw things up. :(
I know, sounds worse than it is. I'm not depressed - kind of weary instead. I'm just very tired of feeling like people are telling me that it's my problem and to deal with it on my own. But I'm not sure that I can anymore. I'm just so tired and confused and scared.
Love and Huggles
Conan
Currently Reading:
Currently Playing: The Great Experiment;Exalted
Mood: Concerned about the future
No comments:
Post a Comment