The Business is slowly building up, I have to remember to not take everyone's advice on board - as a lot of people tend to suddenly think their marketing experts and offer differing viewpoints. Wow. I had so many people in the last few days give me conflicting opinions. lol.
Yesterday saw Alex in town. He's been down since Thursday and heads back home to Auckland tonight.
We arranged to meet on Saturday after work, and it was a very nervous Conan on Saturday. This was the test, really, to see if I was truly over him. To help calm my nerves I got myself a little treat to make me feel more positive generally.
Alex showed up at work early due to a booking conflict, and I was a little surprised - he's put on a lot of weight. Which isn't to say he's fat, but to say he used to be scrawnier. So my first thoughts were "yes, I don't really feel anything. Just happy to see a friend."
We hung out after I finished work, and I realised I still didn't like hearing about his partner, Ben. It just bugged me somehow to hear Ben's name and such.
Then we went to Nick and Nasia's to get a lift over to Paul's party.
Paul's party was actually pretty cool. He's got some very cool friends - and some odd ones. I met a few people there, but I think that Dan is going to be in my memory for a long time. If you thought J-rod was trouble, him and Dan are like the most disturbing people I have met. And yet a lot of fun too.
Unfortunately, I found that my feelings for Alex haven't diminished. I was able to hold them in check most of the night, and I didn't end up confronting him over it. But when Jarrod said "you two make such a cute couple. Were you an item once?" And I pointed out no, we weren't - then he said "why not, you should have been." Well, I think I managed to pretend to be calm about it and joke it off. But really, I wasn't sure what to do. Because I really *did* want it to be true.
It's really difficult to tell if I love him because... well... I love him. Or if I was just falling into some subconscious pining routine. I tried to be affectionate without being uncomfortably clingy or anything. But deep down...
Sometimes I think he was the last guy I would ever have those kinds of feelings for. Part of me feels that this is just because I don't want to let go, but another part of me realises that I really do love him. He even loves Wellington and wants to move down here - but Ben hates Wellington, and Alex loves Ben enough to stay in Auckland.
And that's the crux of the situation this morning for me. He doesn't love me enough to want to move down to Wellington. I'm always going to be the funny friend who runs the great roleplaying games. Which is fine if I didn't feel like this so much.
I can be honest now, I moved down here to get away from those feelings. But it is true the old saying, you can't run away from yourself. Wellington *is* where I am meant to be. I'm happier here, and I love the city. I always have. But that part of me that I wanted to leave in Auckland - the weak Conan who just would walk through fire for the person he loved... hasn't gone away.
So what do I do?
Do I just keep hoping that if I don't see him and pretend that I don't think about him every day, that one day it will become true? I'm reminded of the movie, Swingers. Sometimes I feel like the main character in that - pining after someone they left behind, until he finally gets over her. But in that movie he has to meet another woman who is a better match.
I don't think there is anyone who would have been a better match for me.
But I hope I am wrong. Sorry for being such a downer today folks - I'm just realising that I probably wasn't ready to actually see Alex again. It opened old wounds for me. And today I am trapped in a state of "What Ifs"
Best focus on the business. I have miniatures to paint up. Hopefully I can get started today...
Love and Huggles
Conan
Currently Reading: Hordes
Currently Playing: Exalted
Mood: What if?
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