And it's another day in the office...

So I'm still a little doubtful about whether I made the right decision to take on full-time work. Running ESG has been slow going, and I'm realising that working full-time where I only get Friday and Saturday off is actually preventing me from working on developing my own business rather than helping it.

That's a frustrating place to be.

So what do I do? I have to give one month's notice if I want to leave - so I can't return to a university lifestyle, not that I particularly want to. I can't really just live off the takings from ESG - they are simply non-existant.

Thus I am pursuing some routes out, but nothing has eventuated just yet. It is a bit stressful. Again, I come to a case of priorities, and oddly money doesn't top my list. It is important for survival, but I'm still concerned about other things at the moment...

In other news, Smallville is shaping up to be even better than I originally thought it was. The second season is pretty cool.

Here's hoping that everything balances out soon...

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Nothing at the moment
Currently Playing: The Grand Experiment;Exalted
Mood:Considering the options...

Smallville - subtext and charm

For those who have seen me recently, you'll all be aware of my latest guilty pleasure... I have followed the melodrama back in time from Desperate Housewives, through Gilmore Girls to... Smallville.

While it lacks the sparkling wit and tight production of Gilmore Girls, or the sharp cheekiness of Housewives, Smallville does have a special charm all of its own.

The key thing is how it riffs off Dawson's Creek and Roswell while also have the subtextual layers of shows like the Simpsons and Buffy. Things like the teasing gay subtext of Lex and Clark's friendship, for example, which isn't an actual gay relationship - but plays on their friendship in a manner that is akin to the "coming out" scene in X-men 2. It uses a different context to subtlely play on the subtext of the conversations. Initially I thought this was something that people were reading into the show, but the more I watch it the more I begin to realise that it is very likely a deliberate play on dialogue and scripted actions - the number of times that Lex says such things as "Your father is never going to accept me, is he?" is more than a coincidence. The biggest give-away is when Clark is going to the school social and is having trouble with his bow-tie. Lex walks in and helps him out in a manner that appears to be deliberately played to have a subtle subtext.

But all that aside, I think it really is the almost innocent charm of the show. The way that it has the balls to make Clark the real man and Superman a facade that Clark Kent takes on in later life. Unlike the "greater than thou" good guy attitude that Superman tends to be written with, Clark is a likeable, naive and even slightly goofy farmboy with superpowers. He wants to do the right thing, but he isn't infallible. This is a man of steel you can't help but like.

And the cast are quite convincing. Sure, some of the cast are a bit flat (Sam Jones III, I'm looking at you...) but for the majority they are all fun people. Lex Luthor is a sympathetic villain in training - we see he can be noble and good, but also cruel and opportunistic. Clark (Tom Welling) is sometimes a little wooden, but often played with such a convincing naivete and innocence that I find impressive. The Kents are believeable good-guy parents and I find most of the cast really relish their roles and fill them with a three-dimensionality that is often lacking in this kind of series.

But it is all in the subtleties. The little looks and expression changes that show how the characters are experiencing more than just the events in a given scene. How Cloe is able to show in the way she talks to Clark the various emotions that we see develop over the season, how Lana is able to show her growing affection for Clark in the way she *doesn't* tell him.

Part of this comes from the directing and part from the performances.

Heh, I'm making it sound like this show is one of the best things on TV - it is cheesy, make no mistake. But like I said - it's the layers to the show that make it shine for me. Even with the terribly hokey plots it still manages to be such a likeable show. :)

So check it out and get over your Superman envy/hate - this is not your parents Clark Kent. It is something of its own, and I hope that it manages to keep up with that. :)

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Runaways Vol.2
Currently Playing: The Grand Experiment;Exalted
Mood: Feeling good

It's so cold outside...

Yesterday I went out and did what had to be done - I bought a jumper and jacket to keep warm. Now I'm going to have to save up and get a heater for my room. Brrrrr. Winter is a bitch! :)

Went out with Kevin last night, our usual cafe catch-up. I've pretty much decided that while he's cool to hang out with, I'm not interested in pursuing things beyond that. But at least I'm not getting depressed about being single or anything like that. :)

I kind of had a strange moment the other week where I was asking myself, am I just avoiding an actual relationship? It's not really true, but I do think that I have tired of the chase, so to speak. Which means I am getting to that position where I just will accept that I will be single for the rest of my life - I'm approaching the point where it isn't worth the effort any more.

Guys just have majorly unrealistic expectations. I think about what I expect - I want someone who I can have a real conversation with, and who isn't too ugly to look at. Someone who makes me feel a "zing" eventually. I've met guys who have done this and who weren't hyper attractive or particularly successful - people who have met Alex can attest to this. ;)

But why is it that all the guys I do meet seem to have set impossible targets. Apparently to even be considered I have to be successful, goal-oriented, gym-fit, have all my hair on my head and no hair on my body, possibly rich, funny, serious, masculine, but mad about sex all the time, kinky, but not into anything too kinky, either ten years younger, or eighteen.

And then I look at what women want- and it's all the same. What has happened to our culture when people no longer look for simpler things in a partner. People are no longer looking for partners for emotional reasons, it seems to be more about sex and money.

I should just become a monk and save myself the stress.

It is a tough world when the kind of places that I could have met someone tend to be full of the overly flamboyant, and I keep thinking that somewhere out there is someone who is my perfect match - and he's never going to meet me.

And sometimes. Just sometimes. I still wish that Alex would come around. Even though that will never happen.

I have been fighting the urge to text him all week. But what would I say that wouldn't be a lie. I just want to text "I love you. Move down here and I will make you happier than you have ever been." But what use is that? He's in a happy relationship.

*sigh*

I need to meet someone who is more like me. I need to heal this broken heart and I need to be able to move on.

In regards to the business... it is going well, but I'm playing things too cautiously. I'm waiting for this roleplaying stock to show up, and so many people are subtly giving me the impression that they don't expect me to succeed. Sometimes I feel that things are weighing up against me, and I'm having trouble distinguishing my own concerns from the reality.

If this wasn't a good idea - what was? Where am I supposed to be? I'm 31 and I should have my life more together than this. It is just feeling like I'm continuing to screw things up. :(

I know, sounds worse than it is. I'm not depressed - kind of weary instead. I'm just very tired of feeling like people are telling me that it's my problem and to deal with it on my own. But I'm not sure that I can anymore. I'm just so tired and confused and scared.

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading:
Currently Playing: The Great Experiment;Exalted
Mood: Concerned about the future

Nerves before a performance

So I'm prepping to go and print out some catalogues for the business. Tonight is the first real serious release of the Evinshir logo and business. I have to give thanks to Nick C. for his help in creating a decent logo for the business. I think you will all agree that it does look sufficiently sexy. :D

I'm back to normal now after the weekend- still a little apprehensive... I just can't shake that whole fate moving in mysterious ways vibe that haunting me at the moment.

In other news - GEEZ it's cold! I may just look at overcoats while I'm in town today - not that I can actually afford one just yet, but at least I can see them. :)

In the interim, I still haven't heard what the story is with Green Ronin for the business - I suspect that they are too wrapped up with Origins and the like to actually be dealing with overseas orders - but here's hoping it all gets fixed soon.

Anyhoop. Not much else for me to add at the moment... catch y'all later!

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Iron Kingdoms Character Guide
Currently Playing: Exalted
Mood: Feeling content with the universe

Ahhh the see-saw of life...

So alot has happened this weekend already.

The Business is slowly building up, I have to remember to not take everyone's advice on board - as a lot of people tend to suddenly think their marketing experts and offer differing viewpoints. Wow. I had so many people in the last few days give me conflicting opinions. lol.

Yesterday saw Alex in town. He's been down since Thursday and heads back home to Auckland tonight.

We arranged to meet on Saturday after work, and it was a very nervous Conan on Saturday. This was the test, really, to see if I was truly over him. To help calm my nerves I got myself a little treat to make me feel more positive generally.

Alex showed up at work early due to a booking conflict, and I was a little surprised - he's put on a lot of weight. Which isn't to say he's fat, but to say he used to be scrawnier. So my first thoughts were "yes, I don't really feel anything. Just happy to see a friend."

We hung out after I finished work, and I realised I still didn't like hearing about his partner, Ben. It just bugged me somehow to hear Ben's name and such.

Then we went to Nick and Nasia's to get a lift over to Paul's party.

Paul's party was actually pretty cool. He's got some very cool friends - and some odd ones. I met a few people there, but I think that Dan is going to be in my memory for a long time. If you thought J-rod was trouble, him and Dan are like the most disturbing people I have met. And yet a lot of fun too.

Unfortunately, I found that my feelings for Alex haven't diminished. I was able to hold them in check most of the night, and I didn't end up confronting him over it. But when Jarrod said "you two make such a cute couple. Were you an item once?" And I pointed out no, we weren't - then he said "why not, you should have been." Well, I think I managed to pretend to be calm about it and joke it off. But really, I wasn't sure what to do. Because I really *did* want it to be true.

It's really difficult to tell if I love him because... well... I love him. Or if I was just falling into some subconscious pining routine. I tried to be affectionate without being uncomfortably clingy or anything. But deep down...

Sometimes I think he was the last guy I would ever have those kinds of feelings for. Part of me feels that this is just because I don't want to let go, but another part of me realises that I really do love him. He even loves Wellington and wants to move down here - but Ben hates Wellington, and Alex loves Ben enough to stay in Auckland.

And that's the crux of the situation this morning for me. He doesn't love me enough to want to move down to Wellington. I'm always going to be the funny friend who runs the great roleplaying games. Which is fine if I didn't feel like this so much.

I can be honest now, I moved down here to get away from those feelings. But it is true the old saying, you can't run away from yourself. Wellington *is* where I am meant to be. I'm happier here, and I love the city. I always have. But that part of me that I wanted to leave in Auckland - the weak Conan who just would walk through fire for the person he loved... hasn't gone away.

So what do I do?

Do I just keep hoping that if I don't see him and pretend that I don't think about him every day, that one day it will become true? I'm reminded of the movie, Swingers. Sometimes I feel like the main character in that - pining after someone they left behind, until he finally gets over her. But in that movie he has to meet another woman who is a better match.

I don't think there is anyone who would have been a better match for me.

But I hope I am wrong. Sorry for being such a downer today folks - I'm just realising that I probably wasn't ready to actually see Alex again. It opened old wounds for me. And today I am trapped in a state of "What Ifs"

Best focus on the business. I have miniatures to paint up. Hopefully I can get started today...

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Hordes
Currently Playing: Exalted
Mood: What if?

OMG! Brittany Murphy Sings!

And DAMN she's good! :)

Wow - what a week! Firstly, I have started up the business - Evin Shir Games - which will eventually get a website by the end of this month. Depending on how well sales go. Which, by the way, I made my first one yesterday. Woop! Woop!

I went on a second "date" with Kev - it was okay, but I'm not really attracted. I think we're going to make better friends than anything more. He's convinced that I am going end up with E. from work. LOL.

I'm not - although at our work meeting, I just kept wanting to give E. BIG HUGS! Go figure.

So single life remains a constant situation. But at least I"m finally moving forward in life with some actual purpose. Namely the business. (BTW, anyone who is free Sunday, Monday (before 2pm) or Tuesday day to help me out with some miniature painting should drop me al ine. You know how to.)

Yep - all looking promising. I also went and saw the Da Vinci Code - it wasn't brilliant, and was VERY predictable. But I liked it more than X-Men III. I guess because I was expecting so much less from DVC. :)

Also saw Slither - which is quite cool, funny and entertaining. It was cool to see a stereotypical alien-invasion type movie which kept taking nifty little twists to keep you on your toes.

So that's everything at the moment - catch y'all later!

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Iron Kingdoms Character Guide
Currently Playing: Exalted
Mood: Excited, Nervous and Happy!