Today I realised that the test I was preparing for is on Wednesday, and that the test I thought was on Wednesday is today. It has left me somewhat disillusioned with my own ability - I have missed a couple of lectures, but it would seem that I haven't taken anything in. Stats I totally rock in, but Developmental Psych and Research just haven't been able to grab me the way I thought they ought to.
What is wrong with me?
I'd love to be able to be light and witty about the whole thing and just blow it off as my being all wacky and silly. To be able to do the study and just laugh off on Blog how it is. But it is feeling like a heavy weight on my shoulders - I need to be decisive, and I can't do it. I'm not stablising as much as I thought I would once I got into the study.
I'm allowing myself to be distracted by the things I do love - and I'm realising, I really really want to be that game store owner. Because I'm realising that is when I am happy - giving advice and helping.
So I should be paying more attention in Psych so I can do that on a more productive level than just helping people buy games - but something is holding me back. I try to do my readings, and I just don't take anything in. Maybe I have crap study skills.
Or maybe I have that little self-discipline.
I worry about my debts, I worry about money, I keep thinking about how I could be working full-time and be able to buy things that would be fun to play with.
And I realise - none of it actually is true.
Sure, I'd love to buy more anime and rpgs. But it's all just me trying to distract myself.
I wish I was more witty.
I wish I could write again.
I wish I understood why my brain hurts when I try to focus on something.
I wish I didn't feel like there was something seriously wrong with me.
I don't get how I became like this. How I became so caught in limbo.
See, everything was working out for me - I had a good job that was leading somewhere, I was beginning to save money and I was even on the verge of starting to write.
Then I just exploded.
Boom. All the pain and hurt just rushed in and everything good burnt up. So I moved and got away from it all to try and start again. But I didn't have a plan, and when I got here everything changed so quickly, I had no idea what to do and before I knew it - I was having a break-down.
Now, I'm still floating without a clear idea of what I want to do. I want to write. But I need money. I want a job, but I don't want to be in some meaningless role that is going nowhere. I want to run a gamestore - but I need money.
Why did I take psychology? Because I wanted to upskill and get into a field that would allow me to help people. Then why am I not studying properly?
The thing is, I don't hate myself. I don't think anything bad of who I am, really. That's the thing. I wish I was more witty - but I'm not heart-broken that I'm not. The thing is... I'm not a leader. I want to be, and often I end up taking charge when other people spend time mucking about. But when I'm on my own - I can't direct myself. I need someone there to push me along.
Why can't I fall in love?
There are people out there who like me and want to be with me, but I don't feel the same. Why?
Why is it that I haven't learnt that the people I like don't like me? It's a mistake I have made since I was 17. I still make it.
I need to be with someone witty, someone eloquent, someone who is a bit kooky and someone who is full of love.
I need love right now. Because while I love myself, it feels like being the guy with the umbrella hoping to ward off a hurricane.
I'm allowing myself to be torn in so many directions and I just can't bring my mind to bear on anything. That kind of thinking leads to depression and failure. Yet I seem to almost welcome it.
Why can't I be witty?
Yes, there is something I'm saying here without saying it. My biggest fear is to actually express what I want. Because it never leads to anything other than more suffering.
Life is suffering - the buddhists had that one right. I desired something, and I suffer still because of it. Not because of anyone's fault other than my own. I suffer still because I keep desiring things and I can't bring my mind to rest in the present.
I need to be held.
I need to be comforted.
I need to be...
I need to feel that I'm not alienating myself from everything and everyone.
And I need to feel that I have a future.
When I am alone, I think about what it will be like in the future. At the moment, I am haunted by the words "he died alone."
Which is pretty melodramatic. I'm certainly not going to race out and hook up with just anyone now. But I am being honest. I am haunted by self-doubt today. I have been for the last month or so. And that is contributing to my study problem. I shoudl have joined a study group or something. That would have helped. When I'm explaining what I learnt to someone else, it sticks in my head too. It also helps me to spot where I haven't learnt something.
But here, now. I feel empty and all I read is just a long stream of gibberish about Quantitative and Qualitative research.
I'm not looking for nice words to make me feel better.
I'm looking to actually be better. And that is a much tougher proposition.
I want to run my own game store. But I have no capital.
I don't think I want to be at University anymore.
And yet - none of that is actually true.
The one thing I want. The one thing that makes me suffer and worry, the thing that distracts me.
It remains the thing that cannot be fixed with nice words, money or all the dvds and games in the world.
But what can I do?
Love and Huggles
Conan
Currently Reading: Methods in Behavioural Research
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood:Life is Suffering
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