I feel distinctly alone right now, and I don't want to text any friends - because I don't want kind words right now. I also don't want judgements about my decisions.
Merv was really good about my being up front and telling him that I didn't feel we had any long term prospects. E at work was very sweet today and was talking about how he was going to be cooking his girlfriend dinner tonight - and how he hadn't decided what to make yet, and was going to read the cook book while cycling to the supermarket. (I suspect he was kidding...)
It's an odd place I'm in now. My date with Merv has set off a number of unusual thoughts, almost as if the mobius loop of mental processing I've been undergoing has suddenly caught onto something and is beginning to progress. Last night I was struck by an epiphany of why people can't agree, why the world needed liberals and conservatives... suddenly a complex mix of ideas and thoughts started to show their edges. It's still there, but clicking away in the back of my head.
Yet, there is still this feeling of sadness. Kind of a loss brought on by thoughts of my still not feeling that I'm quite where I want or need to be.
I'm having a lot of doubts about University currently. I sometimes wish I could just close my eyes and WILL the universe to rearrange itself.
But most of all, I wish I could actually find someone I love as much as I loved Alex.
I wish I could just be attracted to people as simply as others seem to want me to be. That I could just simply say "yeah, I'll give him a chance."
How do I explain how I think?
How do I explain seeing the world in 360 degrees? Or being able to look at a person and sense their mood? How after talking to a person I sense so many possibilities?
And how sometimes I feel like I have some mental condition that everyone is being too nice to tell me about.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not meaning to wallow in self-pity, nor am I looking for sympathy.
I'm simply trying to show what is currently running through my head. How I am literally carrying a multitude of thoughts that sometimes cause pressure in my skull.
I wish I could write more witty comments and have a laugh-a-minute blog. Or something that wasn't quite so self-indulgent.
I wish I could feel attractive again.
I wish I could discipline myself to work-out again.
Despite all my riling against it, I am feeling the pressure of never having money when I want it. I am seriously considering quitting University.
I am seriously alone.
I go through this on occasion - I know it gets better eventually.
Sometimes I do think I'm crazy. Sometimes I do think that people can't see what is really going on inside me.
Even now, with what I'm writing here there are things I'm keeping from you guys. Not dark nasty things, but personal things that I don't really feel comfortable sharing.
Like - I still love Alex.
I haven't seen him in almost a year. But every day I still think about him and wish I could hold him. Wish I could just not feel this way.
I have allowed these feelings to become so ingrained, that whenever I feel weak I go back to that place - I'm sure.
I see E. and wish I could meet someone like him. He's so sweet and funny and quirky. Best of all, he's flirty and interesting.
But I don't meet people like E who are available.
Sometimes I wonder if I was right to turn down Richard. There was someone who was interested in me and was funny. Sure, I didn't really feel anything, but sometimes I wonder.
I'm at a loss as to what to do. I have a big business venture idea and I'm scared that it is going to go nowhere. I feel that I'm still treading water. Even with the progress I've made I'm not really sure what I'm wanting out of my life.
I want to be a writer, but most of all...
I want to fall in love. I don't care about University. I don't care about work.
I really don't. I have a passion to talk and work on my theories about humanity. I want to help people - but I'm waiting for something to happen to me. Which isn't going to happen.
And yet somewhere in my head something is happening.
I probably sound a lot more angsty than I am. But I just need to clear out all these concerns to make room for me to come up with a solution.
I know it all works out. Deep down, everything works out. It just can seem a long way to go. I need to regain the confidence I had yesterday, and I'm probably very very tired.
I realised yesterday, as part of my epiphany, that if God came down in person and revealed the true nature of the universe in no uncertain terms that there would still be people (even christians) who would deny it and even be able to logically show why.
Yes. I have a strong belief about the universe. And yes, I believe it to be true.
And yet with this confident belief, I find that I can't figure out the details.
I think it's time for me to go and sort out dinner. I need to calm down and meditate a little - just let my brain settle.
My brother is taking me to Dylan Moran tomorrow - so at least life still has its good points. :) And who knows? Once I get past these doubts, I'll have more good news.
Love and Huggles
Conan
Currently Reading: Nothing
Currently Playing: Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood: Not depressed, just a mix of introspection and concern
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