ESG is at a bit of a speed bump at the moment, and I'm hoping to get over that in the near future - but it is proving a difficult challenge in and of itself. I spent most of the week running around in circles trying to figure out what I need to do so that I can get on track with the business. I realise that I probably underestimated the start-up capital I needed, but it isn't so bad as to give up just yet.
I certainly am not in the position of owing people lots of money - which is a good thing. :)
I bumped into Alex today.
In the state I'm currently in, that was a bit of a shock to the system. I had no idea he was going to be in town. I had actually thought it would be a good few months before I saw him again.
Furthermore, it was a pure "by chance" encounter. The reason I put those words in quotations is because Alex and I have a bit of a history of "by chance" encounters when we are keeping our distance. Serendipity seems to follow us.
This had all the hallmarks of one of those moments. I move a hundred kilometres away and still we accidently bump into each other in the middle of the street.
Previously, we have bumped into each other in cafes, had a misdirected e-mail end up in my letterbox, had a phone call out of the blue, been assigned to the same jury duty on the same day - once or twice it could have been just either myself or him subconsciously working to bring us back into each other's orbits. But it has happened enough times now to make me a tad supersticious about the whole deal.
Now a chance encounter with Stephanie and Taryn on Cuba Mall can be added to the list. I was walking down from Real Groovy and saw Stephanie with some friends - realised it was her and Taryn - I waved and said hi and was about to move on when I realised who the third person was. Alex.
I was stunned and my brain was scrambling to make sense of it all. Stephanie kept on walking pushing for them to go - I barely got to talk to him, to find out what the hell he was doing in Wellington.
No prizes to the people who realised how I felt afterwards. I panicked and tried to figure out what the hell to do - I was feeling like I'd been punched in the gut. It was hard to think of who to go to. I could have walked to work and talked to Emile, I could have called... who? I don't really have that many friends here that I feel comfortable talking about Alex with. So I called my brother and had a talk with someone who didn't need to say nice things to me.
He doesn't particularly think highly of Alex, but he's a pragmatic kind of guy and helped me calm down. I need to be able to rational about these things.
It hurts to realise that these feelings haven't died or gone away.
So I'm sitting at home feeling particularly lonely. I could go to the webcomic party - but Kandallah is such a stretch for me to go to without a plan for how to get home and I have work tomorrow morning, so I can't crash there.
I feel...
Trapped? A failure?
I'm not sure. I don't feel too negative, more melancholy and lonely. I know that I am feeling love lost. I'm also feeling like I am not going to find anyone who will make me feel okay to be who I am. Every guy I have met hasn't seen me for who I am, or accepted that. I'm not going to change who I am for someone else - I am a good guy. I'm not expecting someone to fit into any category for me.
I want to be with a guy that I accept - flaws and all - and hope for that in return.
But shadows draw nearer now. I am getting a feeling that I haven't had in a long time - that something is coming to a culmination. Maybe I'm being paranoid.
Maybe I need to be loved by someone who is willing to show me that I'm right. That love isn't about sex or looks but how you feel for someone.
Maybe there is someone out there who would be happy being with me and who I actually feel the same for in return.
Is there such a thing as fate? Is there such a thing as a soulmate? Or am I living a naive fantasy to protect myself from having to be intimate with anybody?
Conan
Currently Reading: Nothing
Currently Playing: Exalted
Mood:Alone
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