Frustration

I seem to have a knack of getting myself into odd fixes. So I responded to some comments on Mash's LJ - not even relating to what he was saying but to what other people had said, and before I had really paid any attention to what was going on, I was in a huge ripsnorter of an argument with Mash about GNS again.

Wow.

It took me a while - because I was feeling stubborn and obstinate no doubt - to realise that we were arguing at cross-purposes and that I would have been wiser to just leave the argument alone. The problem was I allowed myself to get frustrated and flustered. Now I'm no longer listed as friend on Mash's LJ and he's pretty upset.

It really got me thinking about how I do tend to get very analytical when I debate, I don't really pay attention to the things going on beyond the argument itself, and tend to rabidly stick to my guns. Now I feel that I had a reasonable argument, and i think I got frustrated because it didn't feel that anyone was really considering what I was saying. The thing was, I was ignoring what was happening in the debate outside of the simple discussion.

*sigh*

What can I say? The worst bit about these kinds of things is that there is no easier fix than time. So thankfully I will be out of Mash's way for the next couple of days, giving him to time enjoy Ultimate and spend time without me hanging around being a nuisance or inadvertantly baiting for another argument. I get to spend time with Aslan, Debbie, Luke, Matt, Nick, Sam and Shishi and avoid getting into another debate right now.

The thing is I'm kind of over the debate itself - GNS, roleplaying theory and the like are just not worth losing friendships over. I handled myself poorly and made things a bit messy. :(

Debates can get so heated, and it takes a lot of discipline to handle them properly. I didn't do the one hour rule - where you right your response, wait an hour and if you still agree with what you posted... then you post it. I suspect if I had taken that time, I would have been more eloquent about what I was trying to say, would have probably not said half the things I did and been able to move on.

But for now, I can only take the advice I was given - take a step back and let it go. I'm more concerned about Mash than anything else, I guess.

Here's hoping tomorrow brings a shiny new day.

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: A Game of Thrones by George R. R. Martin
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood: Frustrated, Tired and Disappointed in myself...

Finding the way to becoming an author

I find it kind of strange reading the blogs of many other writers. Often there is a kind of concealed pretentiousness to a lot of their thoughts, and it makes me wonder if I ever carry the same tone when I talk about my writing. Or is it that I'm not really at the same level as they are and my perception of their pretentious nature is really a projection of my own envy?

See how much trouble too much introspection can get you into?

I guess the problem comes from my difficulty hammering out the details of a work. Many writers plan out their novels, have a strong idea of the arc and direction and then write. I, on the other hand, tend to have scenes and ideas, then try to find the route that leads to them. I've started reading A Game of Thrones, and I will admit that reading writing like that intimidates me. I can see how I have a similar economy of words, but somehow I feel like my writing can sometimes plod and clunk along.

Still doesn't really answer the pretentiousness comment. I guess the thing that bugs me is that a lot of writers go beyond accepting that they are writers - they tend to think that their style is the only style worth discussing. I don't really know how to put it - many writers, and many wannabe writers, waffle on endlessly about form and theme. I tend to find it incredibly tiring stuff.

I always remember attending a talk by author Kate O'Riordan, who is one of the most lyrical and haunting authors I have read. She was a very down-to-earth woman who was interesting when she spoke about her writing. She talked about visual, narrative and even aural aspects of the art. About the tricks of getting people to feel that they are part of the story.

Many writers seem to feel that they have some sort of intellectual superiority over others. It's kind of mind boggling. Kate O'Riordan didn't. She was humble and thoughtful. I would like to think that some day I'll be like she was. Just willing to talk about the craft of writing without sounding like a wanker.

Maybe that's it - some writers talk about writing as if it was personal and existed solely for their own benefit. Yes, writing is a personal craft, but it is something that is about sharing yourself with others as well, I suspect. Which leads me back to my latest project. I've only written about three pages worth - and the scene flowed out nicely. I'm not going to edit it or look over the scene again until the book is finished, but it lead to a point that has kind of hiccuped. Thus my concern.

I have a guy about to answer a phone, and I realise I have no idea who is on the other line. I tried to make it a friend inviting the main protagonist out, but it felt forced. So now I'm waiting for the same flash of inspiration that lead me to write the initial scene.

One thing is for certain, despite the grammar errors that no doubt flood this blog, writing daily here is helping to shake the cobwebs out of my head. :)

So while I am wrestling with finding work, deciding my future and working on a book - wow. It's amazing I don't just spontaneously combust at this rate! :) Looking forward to the weekend though... :D

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: A Game of Thrones - George R.R. Martin
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood: Feeling positive

General Thoughts and Rambling

Mash and I had another debate last evening about GNS and gaming. It struck me as very interesting to hear Mash's views, because he presents good, strong reasoning for his support for GNS. The issue is that he sometimes implies that everyone shares his view, despite it being counter to the actual GNS and Big Model thesis.

Which I tried to point out was a core issue for me about GNS/Big Model theory - essentially that it's language is so steeped in ambiguity that it kind of ceases to have value. Not to mention that most GNS argumentation ends up sounding like One-True-Way style claims.

Now I don't believe that many GNS/Big Model supporters actually believe that they are arguing one true way - they don't realise that their support of the theory is creating that kind of language and implication.

Which is why plain english is a much superior mode of expression. Mash brought up a number of philosophers to try and show why my chosen discipline was just as bad. The problem is, I agree. Philosophy is full of pretentious One-True-Way schmucks who love to come up with wanky -isms and -ists to define their philosophies. It's one of the issues I hope to address if I ever get off my ass and research my thesis. I want to look at making philosophy practical - because it does have a benefit, but it needs to be aware of its limitations.

The challenge I put forward to Mash was when had roleplaying theory successfully caused a major change in mainstream roleplaying. He brought up the shift from D&D to World of Darkness in the early 90s, and I pointed out that there was no evidence theory had anything to do with it.

A lot of people credit World of Darkness with shifting the focus of roleplaying, and it did - but it wasn't something that was born wholecloth. It developed over the years because of other games at the time - like Shadowrun, Cyberpunk, Elfquest... roleplaying games were already evolving in design, and it continues even today. And it happened without roleplaying theory being instrumental to that change. It happened because people were thinking about the hobby as a craft.

I agree, theory can be helpful and insightful. But outside of the indie movement, theory has had very little impact on gaming. Drama Points are from Adventure! which took them from Shadowrun's Karma system and developed them further. Ticks is from Feng Shui - and arguably Robin Law's "theory" work. However Robin Laws spent more time looking at the hobby as craft, not theory.

Buffy - took its NPC mechanics from Whispering Vault, which was an independant game that developed separate from gaming theory.

Roleplaying theory has not been at all instrumental in the big changes in the hobby. It has caused a number of periphery and specialised games to be developed - and these games have not been successful in breaking out of their limited markets. There is a reason for this.

Paranoia XP benefited from the Forge discussions, yet it is debateable about how successfully it supports the roleplaying theory that the author talks about.

Even Mike Sands' Badass Space Marines doesn't fit into the GNS/Big Model mode despite being designed by a self-proclaimed supporter of roleplaying theory. In the end, playtesting made the game what it was - not theory.

So why have theory at all? Well I'd like to think that properly formulated theory can lead to new techniques which can lead to an improvement in the craft. Just like I hope that a more practical and pragmatic approach to philosophy can lead to a new way of thinking, that everyday people can support without feeling like their are being lectured to or spoken down to.

Comes back to my whole "inclusive thinking" strategy. But none of this is going to happen as long as pro-theory types think that they have some sort of greater understanding of the hobby. Because, to put it bluntly, they don't.

What they have done is overshoot the mark and in their spiralling out into the psychology and sociology of human endeavour - missed the game aspect. Just as philosophers in all their observing and argumentation, kind of left the people behind in favour of theory.

When you're gaming is all about theory rather than having theory being about gaming - something has gone seriously wrong.

I think the key point I'm trying to make is that it is pointless talking about theory if the people it is meant to be helping can't understand a word you say. So much of human thinking had made this fundamental error.

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Liberty Meadows
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood:Taking on the tyranny of elitst thinkers, got them in my sights!

Thinking, Thinking, Thinking

Right, so the new poll is up so get voting!

Anyway, I'm in a bit of an odd situation in that I'm puzzling over what to do. I'm kind of keen to study Psychology because of the career opportunities it will open up for me both as a writer, and as someone who wants to try to do some good in the world.

I'd be keen to do psych, and then a certificate in counselling and get a job as a counsellor or psychologist.

I even have started taking action on a reasonable part-time job that should help me get myself financially under control again while doing it. (Fingers crossed, folks.)

Yet on the other side, there is a good chance I could get this franchise job. Now it would be even harder work, and I wouldn't really be doing anything I loved - but I would be getting my own business out of it all. That is a major leap forward careerwise for me. A great opportunity to work, learn and become my own boss. I would have heaps of money and be on my way to sorting out my life.

OR it could all go horribly wrong and I find myself in even worse straits than I am currently in.

So what should I do? It's not an easy question to answer...

I'm putting both plans into motion - as I can have it all set up and then make my final decision when I need to.

It's funny how we often compromise on our goals to survive in life. I want to be a writer - but I have had so much difficulty getting myself interested in writing. I used to be feverish about it, but when I got burnt it really stuck.

Now I could be on the way to setting the foundations for opening up my own gaming store - which would be loads of fun and could offer me security.

Or, I could be on my way to following a greater understanding of how humans think and behave - which could help me in a number of intangible ways, as well as provide me with the qualifications to get a lot of the roles I've been trying for...

It's not an easy decision to make... I want both things. It's a case of deciding which I will enjoy and benefit from more at the moment. In true daoist fashion, I think I will act on what I can at the moment, and trust that when the decision time comes - I will make the one that I truly want to make. :)

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Angel RPG
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood: Ready to take -em on!

So it's time to call it a day...

Well the final count as of 10pm Tuesday is 5 Valentines. Most sent by Txt. LOL.

Not one of them were of an amorous intent - but that was never really the point. :) It was a good excuse to just have a little fun. It's not like I'm not going to tell my friends tomorrow that I care about them - but I think that it really is the thought that counts on the day too.

I sort of realised today that I probably gave the impression that Valentines holds a lot of importance to me. Well it does and it doesn't.

See, for me it is important to make the best of a day that historically gets a lot of people depressed. As I mentioned before, I want to show that I care. Because I do. Really. My heart swells whenever I think good thoughts about my friends.

The day itself doesn't matter as much, but I do know that a lot of people claim that they think it is silly, but secretly they hurt inside. Not saying anyone who reads this blog is such a person - but I am aware of the possibility. So I think it is a good thing to remind people you do care.

On the other hand, despite all my laughter and giggles - my silly countdown and all - deep down I do feel... not unloved, but reminded that there is something I'm missing out on.

It's like this. I want to be able to take someone I love to dinner on Valentines. I want to do all that schmultsy stuff - not just today, but whenever the mood takes me to show someone I love that person.

Am I in love? Well, I still think about Alex - but I suspect that is because of four years being a long time to be in love with someone.

Do I like anyone? Well I like a number of people. No-one I'd feel confident enough to ask out - most who aren't even in Wellington.

Like I said before - it's time someone came and asked me out. :) So I could be waiting a while... ;)

However, with all that said and done. I had a damn good day. Got to hang out with Fraser and his stepbrother, Dan. Which was a cool distraction. :D We had Subway, came back here and played A Game of Thrones - I was too easy on Dan who managed to beat both Fraser and Myself. I really need to learn to be more cut-throat in strategy games. :) We watched some Zim and I hung out on World of Warcraft.

Between all that, did the usual of job-hunting, organising bank issues, figuring out University plans, sorting out games for the future and generally keeping crazy busy. :)

So I hope you had a great day too! All the best!

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Weapons of the Gods RPG
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go; Mage: The Awakening - Threshold
Mood: Sleepy but positive.

A Day for Love

Valentines Watch: Currently Five Valentines for Conan :D

Yeah, I'm keeping a count, for chuckles really. :)

You know, it's funny how many people don't want to be happy. I've been following a few discussions about how crap Valentine's day is, how commercial, how it's a bandaid over bad relationships and other such strikingly negative comments, and it seems to miss the point.

It's a day where some people actually get a chance to be their nobler selves. A chance where they can choose to show that they really do care, and that despite the strains and rigours of the rest of the year with work and schooling and Christmas and Easter and all the other things that happen in the year, they do always care. That this is a day for them to remind their loved ones after such a hectic few months.

It's also a chance for those too shy or unable to express their feelings to anonymously show how they feel and maybe build up a little nerve to actually say to that girl/guy they like "hey I'd like to go out with you." It's also a day when friends can show their love to each other and say "hey, don't feel down, people care."

Valentines day isn't just about flowers, dinner and a blow job - as one person put it - but rather it is meant to be about caring for someone. It's as bad as you want it to be, or as good. See, I used to get severely depressed on Valentines when I was younger. I had been treated pretty badly by someone I cared about and every Valentines I remembered that, and just was reminded how single and unloved I felt.

Then I decided, fuck it. That's not the point about today. So I made it my goal that Valentines to give a gift to every person I knew who was feeling like me. It felt good, and they appreciated the gesture. So in the spirit of that day...

Happy Valentine's to you all! With Love, Conan!

And I do mean it. I hope that you have a great day that includes love and happiness. :)

Speaking of which, last night on MSN I ended up talking to an old flame of mine. Which just managed to remind me that I have been loved, and I will be loved again. :)

Of course, sooner rather than later would be good. ;) lol!

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Armageddon RPG
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go
Mood: Optimistic

Taking Action

So today is a busy day for me - visits to the bank, discussion with people up at the university, phonecalls to Massey... it is going to be pretty full-on.

Last night I dreamt a lot about kissing. Maybe it's the time of year, but I just kept dreaming about kissing people and techniques - it was all very strange. I wonder what it means... if anything. :)

Still kind of stressed about life in general, but I'm getting the impression that it is all going to work out in the long term. Fingers crossed!

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Armageddon RPG
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go
Mood: Hmmmm flirty today, I think. :)

Valentines and other things...

No doubt you would have noticed the new poll. I've set it up so that on Valentine's day I can report back as to which ended up being the reality.

See, I have a weird attitude towards Valentine's day. On one hand it is very commercialised, and I find that it spreads more sorrow than happiness because it promotes being in love - leaving the unloved feeling depressed; and on the other hand, I always end up hoping that this will be the year I get a valentine.

But like all things, if you don't get out there, what can you expect. I would send Alex a valentine each year, one year it was an anonymous one - because I didn't want to be credited with it.

Now, I don't really have anyone to send a valentine's to. Well, that's not entirely true - but I haven't got anyone I'd be willing to send a valentine's to, because there isn't anyone who I would consider an appropriate person for it.

Did that make sense? Sounds like I'm bad mouthing friends now - but let's face it, not many of the people I know would want a valentines from me. Not putting myself down, just avoiding awkwardness and stuff like that.

I think I'll shut up about that now... :D

Anyway, in seriousness, what does Valentine's actually mean to you?

I guess to me it is two things - it's a chance to tell someone you care about that you actually care about them, and it's a chance for those of us in relationships to celebrate having found that person we love.

We don't really need to buy gifts to do this either. Sure, we ought to be able to do that any time of the year, but Valentine's kind of gives us a nice excuse to actually do what we normally feel a little too shy to do. Remember, a lot of Valentines are sent anonymously - the idea of sending your love rather than expecting anything in return. In the commercialisation of the day we have kind of forgotten that.

Still, I can see the problem with getting anonymous valentines. Like, thinking about who the hell sent you one and how you would rather they came and took you out on a date because you've been single for freaking ever and ... *ahem*

You get the idea. ;)

In the meantime, I don't appear to have gotten the EB job. So, yeah, stressed and disappointed. I have four days to avoid losing my overdraft facility by getting a signed contract... not going to happen. I don't know how I'm going to keep paying the rent either...

I can only hope that one of the jobs I've applied for actually comes through with an interview, or the other opportunity I applied for actually lands me a job.

Otherwise, I'm clean out of ideas. :( It's not that I'm too proud to work in a restaurant or such like - but rather that I can't afford to be tied up in a job that wont be paying enough to cover my expenses.

Anyway, start planning your own valentines, people. Bring a little love to each other this week. :)

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Army of Darkness RPG
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go
Mood: Switching between okay and worried

DRIVING! ... while infatuated!

LOL

Last night we played the first session of our Unknown Armies game - being run by Luke. Basically we're a bunch of Mak Attaxers who give "special orders" to random people, these orders being meals containing magical charges. One such customer was a wannabe rocker, the charge managed to make his group's song so catchy that if you heard it, you had to listen to the song a second time to get it out of your head. If you didn't hear the song, you became irritable and desperate to hear the song again.

Problem was, the band is GOD-AWFUL, and so is the song.

So much fun and wackiness ensued while we tried to sort out the problem we had started. :)

Now turning to yesterday's debate - I put together a post, but it didn't go through.

What I wanted to say was that Adrexia and Nick, you both kind of missed the point I was making.

Adrexia, you fixated on my saying Human Nature is a myth, without considering the entire argument. What I said was that humans define their nature, and the problem that has developed is that nobody has worked to clean up that definition, so it has overbloated to the point that you can pretty much say "that's human nature" about nearly anything.

Your argument that you can define what human nature means to you merely proves this. So as a rebuttal, it has very little effect on my argument.

I'll also add that this is an informal forum, so don't expect a complete and well thought out thesis - there is a lot of research and work needed before my case for responsibility is ready for serious criticism. :)

And Nick - you kind of missed the point. I am talking about how individuals are not like the general population. That was the whole case of why I was feeling disappointed with humanity as a whole.

What I was saying was that because some individuals take responsibility and act in a certain way, then it means that all humanity has that potential. If someone acts greedy, then all humanity has the potential to be greedy. If someone performs an act of kindness, then all humanity has the potential to perform an act of kindness.

I'm not expecting the world to suddenly be all rainbows and lollipops - but I do think it is reasonable to expect people to take responsibility for their choices. Free Will allows us to ignore our instincts. So saying "I'm lazy because it's human nature" is a cop-out. At least have the balls to admit when you have made a choice - whether the choice is good or bad.

Yes, people make mistakes - I never said anything to contrary. But that doesn't mean they shouldn't admit to making a mistake. That's the difference.

Responsibility gives you power. If you find yourself saying "I hate how selfish I am" - then realising that your selfishness is something you have chosen to be gives you the power to change it. Now there are some people who do choose negative traits and admit to choosing - but they then say "because that's the way the world is" - which really is the same thing as saying it's human nature. They are taking responsibility for the choice, but then try to reason that they didn't have a choice...

*sigh* But I'm probably just going to upset more people here. So I'll leave off it for the week.

I hope you guys can see what I'm trying to say here. Like I said, it's a work in progress. :)

Well, I'm going to be spending the day at home, looking for more work and hoping to hear back from EB. :)

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Cat
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go
Mood: Nervous

Prepping for a journey around the Milky Way

Well I'm slowly prepping up for more goodies in Celestia for a week of travelling around the Milky Way - just because I love the beauty of space images. :)

Not much to really report. We played a game of Angel yesterday, involving OMNI Investigations, based in Seattle. It was a silly, camp and ultimately fun game. I went to another job interview, that seemed to go well - here's hoping that all will be well in the world - and received my Extramural materials from Massey University.

I'm planning on studying a Bachelor of Communications while working, and it looks like it is going to be fun. :)



Of course there are some strange issues I have with the Creative Writing aspect. I'm keen to develop and improve my skills, and there will be some short fiction work that will definitely help with my work on project WC, but the convenor of the course sounds a little pretentious. So I'm a little cautious about the practical side of the course.

Essentially he seems to think that the only thing that counts as literary is writing about real people in real situations, and that any popular fiction or genre writing will inevitably be formulaic and unworthy. Which is pretty pretentious. I challenge him to read such works as "The Alchemist's Apprentice" by Jeremy Dronfeld and say that.



Either way, I'm looking forward to the courses I'm going to be doing. Yay me! :)

I've been thinking a bit about what people were saying yesterday regarding my comments on humanity, it struck me that someone used the term "human nature."

Being the post-existentialist that I am, I don't buy into that excuse. See, human nature is a myth. Really. It's a habit we've picked up over the millennia to avoid taking responsibility for our choices. Why do I say that, well because it all has to do with that thing - Free Will. Free Will is essentially the ability to ignore our instincts - or, more accurately, it means we have the ability to make choices that might go against what we naturally feel.

I do believe that humanity started off a Tabula Rasa and that as we've developed socially we have heaped definitions onto our nature. It is human to define ourselves, and we have constantly added to that definition. The problem is that we haven't removed anything in the process. Which is why now, more than ever, people suffer from self-doubt and confusion - we literally have confused ourselves regarding what it means to be human.

When really, what it means to be human is that we can be whatever we, as individuals and as a species, choose to be. If we want to all get along and be satisfied - the potential is there. But the problem with that whole view is that we then become responsible for all those choices. I guess this is why I like the game Unknown Armies - because it is actually built on that idea.

Now, before you start hammering at me about instinct and nature etc, let me remind you that I said humanity began as a blank slate. But now, millennia down the line, we have given ourselves a definition. We now learn from each other what human nature is, and because people say such things as "it's human nature to be greedy" or "it's human nature to be self-serving" - we buy into it. This makes it even harder to break out of that, because there are literally thousands of years of developed social behaviour that supports such claims.

Until Humanity cottons on, we're never going to get out of it, unfortunately.

The problem lies in that some people don't want to get out of it- why rock the boat when things are working for you. They don't see the greater potential, they don't see how everyone benefitting is going to be a good thing.

And this "they" is not some organised conspiracy or group of rich-elite. It's also the guy on the construction site, or the librarian or even the social worker who volunteers their time.

Seriously.

Because some of us don't care. Some people are happy just living their lives and aren't interested in some greater scheme - which I find disappointing, but I understand where they are coming from. It's easier to not care about such things, because if you were to care - what are the actual chances of seeing the results of your efforts? I'd say they are probably pretty slim. It is highly unlikely that you could undo thousands of years of built up assumption simply over night.

And that also makes me feel a little sad.

So I take the approach of many existentialists - I try to be the model of what I feel I should be. Because as long as I do a good deed, or show that I care - then I am still helping to define something positive about humanity. And just maybe by setting that example, others will realise they can do it too. Who knows, maybe in a hundred years time our efforts will make the world and humanity just a little bit better than it would have been without that effort. Maybe in another hundred thousand years, humanity may slough off all the detritus of definition that clings to it at the moment.

Just something to think about. :)

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Angel the RPG
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go
Mood: Good, maybe a little flirty... :D

A view from space

I was thinking about what to write here - I had a whole speech about humanity, religion, greed, the fate of all the universe and stuff like that. Then I thought - what would I achieve. Well, they say that a picture is worth 1000 words, so here are a few courtesy of Celestia. The first here is of New Zealand as of this very time of writing. Look at those lights and think of how many people live on that little group of islands. Look over to Australia and think of the people living there. Seems to be a lot of space... well pause for a moment...
Now look at Jupiter and Europa. Consider the size of that moon compared to New Zealand, then consider how Jupiter, in the background, looks so close and yet is actually a vast distance away from its moon. Imagine how many earths - that planet you looked at before - fit into the size of Jupiter, let alone its mass.
Here we see Saturn rising in the mid afternoon sky of Titan. I haven't even left the solar system and so much space has been covered.

So if the galaxy is so full of land and resources and space - why are we so busy fighting on this little dot of it. Sure, oxygen is limited - but wait, Earth is meant to be an oxygen factory. It makes the stuff. Just like how each of the other planets seems to produce useful resources... so why do we fight. It's like a bunch of kids in a big old room full of toys fighting over the first one and ignoring all the others. Not realising that if they behave as friends they can enjoy the swings, the roundabout and bask in the wonder of it all.

THAT ladies and gentlemen, is what the universe is all about. Not earth. Not Allah and not God. Sure, there maybe deities out there - I am not so closed minded as to assume that this is all there is to life, but I certainly don't think that following the words of men and calling them the words of God/Allah/Zeus is the way to go. After all these millennia, and without the original writers around to explain things, it's easy to believe that the message has been lost.

And I think it genuinely has. The intention - something I am big on - has been lost to the ages. Why are we all bickering?

It's not even human nature, it is something we have decided upon ourselves.

I despair sometimes for the future of humanity. I would have thought that after all these thousands of years, humanity would have sorted some of their shit out - but the same old mistakes still get made. And what for? Everything but the future of humanity.

Gives you something to think about. Could we be looking at the rebirth of the hippy freelove movement? Sometimes I think humans need to expand their consciousness again...

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Nobilis
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go
Mood: Contemplative

Waiting in line

Still no word from the recruitment company regarding my application. *sigh* But tomorrow I head on out to Porirua to attend another interview... woop! In the meantime, I'm kind of low on stuff to talk about today. Which is a rarity.

On Sunday I had some of the gang over for boardgaming - which was a load of fun. I'm glad to say that I have introduced some more people to the wonder that is the game, Modern Art. Then we migrated to Paul's for more games and a couple of drinks. Then it was watching some of the Cell and generally mucking around - all good.

Yesterday saw me just hanging out at home, which was kind of fun. We could hear One Love going on across the valley, which was very cool - saved having to actually leave the house to attend the concert. :D

Not much else to say today - other than catch ya all around! :)

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Paranoia XP
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go
Mood: Relaxed

Drinks and Popstars

So I still haven't heard back about the job interview - guess I wont hear anything now until Tuesday - but in the interim, Nick and I caught the train to Paraparaumu last night to hang out with Matt, Debz, Luke, Sam, Giffy and Eric.

When Nick and I stepped off the train we were greeted by a stunning looking Giffy dressed in a ballgown and Debz waiting in the taxi also equally well dressed. Little did we know what was waiting when we got to Matt and Debz' home.

After some Soul Caliber 2, tequila, champers and margaritas, Luke and Sam showed up and we had a blast playing singstar - of which I supremely suck with my appalling voice, although I totally owned Nick on "This Love" by Maroon 5.

More drinks, and one drunken Conan sitting outside with stomach cramps later (I hadn't eaten much on Friday, so I was somewhat more prone to alcohol than usual) we settled in to watch last year's 48 hour film project that the gang had worked on (It's a beautiful library) and then some absolutely hilarious episodes of The Mighty Boosh.

Then it was crashing the night, in which much fun was made about Giffy's dubious past and Nick's rambling conversation. Then Giffy and I learnt that when Nick mentioned that he talks in his sleep, he actually meant he rants rather loudly in his sleep.

This morning we were treated with bagels and toast, along with Berocca and Juice, before a quick game of Quiz trivia before Giffy gave us a lift back into Wellington.

All in all, a fantastic evening was had by all. :D Thanks Matt and Debbie! I had a blast. :)

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Angel RPG
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go
Mood: Tired, but cosy. :)

Fingers Crossed

So I had my first interview yesterday, and it went swimmingly well. :) I hear back today to find out if I'll be going on to the next step in the process.

Last night we did character creation for Luke's Unknown Armies game - To Go - and it was a blast. I didn't go very far outside my comfort zone character wise - happy-go-lucky trickster best describes my character for the game. But looking over the sheets, and considering how I feel at the moment, it was just such a natural choice for the game.

Next time I'll try something darker - promise. :)

Giffy came round to visit yesterday too - and I now have the new diary! Who knows what madness will ensue from that one. :D

Ummm.. not much else today, surprisingly. Just waiting to hear back about the job...

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Angel the RPG
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go
Mood: Excited Anticipation

Relaxing and trying not to fret

Well seeing as I forgot to post yesterday...

Today I've been feeling kind of neutral. I've applied for heaps of jobs this week already - in fact the amount of time I've spent on the net hunting has caused us to go over our bandwidth. Thank god today it just got refreshed. :)

But I'm kind of in a strange place today. Tonight Luke starts his Unknown Armies campaign - which I am very keen about. It certainly sounds like it will be a blast. :D

On the other side of things, my mind is a bit... preoccupied with thoughts.

Yesterday Nick and I went over to hang out with Giffy. On the way to pick Nick up Giffy and I had a rollicking talk about various subjects and it kind of lingered on relationships. We talked about how the person you love the most tends to hurt you the most. That set off something in my brain about my feelings as of late. I'm not so much confused as trying to make sense of a few things.

Now, I'm not saying I've fallen in love recently - anyone who knows me knows that I haven't really been socialising as of late - rather a lot of strange stuff has been happening in Conanland- my brain.

I think about Alex every day. If this were some movie, my time in Wellington would almost be a montage sequence before I somehow ended up knocking on Alex's front door and we would realise we were made for each other and live happily ever after.

The thing is - life isn't a romantic comedy. So that leaves me in a bit of a strange state.

I love Alex, see, but I'm also aware that it was never going to be a two way kind of love. Now I care deeply about my friends here, but it isn't the same.

I feel like I'm kind of on hold, really. For a moment, yesterday, I thought about how Alex and I could never fight in person, it was always over text or MSN or email and sometimes the phone. But in person, we just got sad if we ended up fighting.

Does that mean that Alex *did* love me? Even though whenever I asked the response was always "I don't feel anything for you."

Hope is a nasty thing. Sometimes we end up saying we love someone, but not meaning it in the big L version, but rather in the standard affectionate for the moment way. I know, I've done it myself. When all the emotions have boiled up and you just blurt it out, only to realise much later that you only cared.

It's like the old wives tale of eskimos have several different words for snow. What they are actually describing are different degrees - why don't we have such an effective language for love? It's not so simple, but we all want it to be.

True Love - was that what Alex and I had? In our belligerent stubborn denial of it, we ruined our chance at true happiness?

I don't want to believe that.

I'm not the attractive guy I used to be. I've let myself get too overwhelmed in silly things. But I don't hate myself - there is still hope.

Hope that someone will want to take a chance with me. Hope that I will be loved for the first time in my life. Hope that I will find a job that I will enjoy and grow in.

Hope is good. But it is also one of the scariest things...

I have hope for a number of things right now. That's what gives me strength - the knowledge that when all will be said and done, it works out for the best. The journey through life makes us stronger souls for it.

Right now, I wish I had my arms around someone and kiss them on the lips... Right now, I wish hope became fact.

And right now, I don't want that person to be Alex at all... Does that mean I'm getting better?

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Angel the RPG
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance; Unknown Armies - To Go
Mood: Romantic dreamer but a little fretful...

Rejected again

Well that was a great day - two rejections. I don't even get interviews, I have tweaked and altered my CV in an attempt to get people to look over my abilities but they all ignore me.

*sigh*

I don't want to get back into retail. It's not fun, it wont pay nearly enough to do anything other than keep me treading on water. Not that there are a lot of retail jobs out there for me - I'm too experienced. >:(

Also, despite my good sales skills, I hate sales. I just can't lie to people about something. Unless I genuinely believe in the product- I'm wasting my breath, because they see on my face that I don't believe what I'm saying.

Frank Casey's worked because it wasn't about selling, it was about impressing. Which means I could go into the hospitality industry again - but if there is one thing I hate more than retail, it's working hospitality. I just don't have the patience for the rudeness that you are always inflicted with. Hospitality is the kind of industry you either do as a part-time thing, or as a career.

I went to Uni to get out of that industry.

I have a freaking analyst's degree and I have all these recruitment agencies telling me I don't have the skills.

Wankers.

One company even told me I was too skilled and would be bored! Honestly, it is getting to the point where my next cover letter will read something like this:


To whom it may concern,

I know you will be getting a lot of CVs at this time for this hotly contested role. But I want to let you know why you will inevitably regret turning mine away. Because I am a bubbly, friendly guy who has had such a broad range of experience and the adaptibility to learn constantly. I am a lateral thinker and a problem solver. I'm the guy who would have not only provided an excellent level of productivity in the job, but would have provided the company with a new insight into how to expand beyond its current direction.

With my ability to think out of the box I can provide ideas that would have never occured to anyone else. Of course I understand that you are only a recruiter who doesn't actually know that kind of skills would be useful to the role - you just want to tick off my skills from the list and then have that coffee that Doris left you on your desk before playing another game of pong with the guy across the office room from you.

Yeah, he's kind of cute, not my type - but I think he kinds of digs you. But if you could just take a little time out of your busy flirting schedule to take my application seriously, maybe things might go well for you. After all, he's been spending the last hour trying to figure out how to ask you to join the gang for drinks after work. Of course you'll say yes, if you don't you'll just end up drinking coffee all day and inadvertantly dooming hundreds of businesses to obscurity because you failed to put the right people up for interview - all because you have no passion for your job.

Don't lie to yourself. You hate your job. Why else would you be so willing to send a guy like me a rejection e-mail that you didn't even personally write to me, but just mass e-mailed to all the other people who have already moved on to look for other jobs.

What makes me different from all the other schmucks out there. Well, for one, I'm ballsy enough to write this letter.

I don't blame you, really. I'd hate to work in recruitment. That's why I'm applying for this job. Look, just because you have a diploma is great, but if you try to tell me that a degree in critical analysis and research is not the skills list for an analyst's role I may just have to send you nasty thoughts. That might give me a migraine... or an aneurism - you wouldn't want my going into a coma on your conscience would you?

I didn't think so.

It's not that I think that you're a nasty person. I just think you're a retard if you don't get me that interview. Hey, don't look now but that cute guy's coming over. What did I tell you? Come on, if I could pick that one I must be good. Right?

I can come in for an interview on Friday. About ten in the morning suits me. Just send me the address and name of who I'm speaking to.

If you don't... bad thoughts. I'm ready to send them at any point. But if you give me the interview I'll be sending you loads of good will. Come on, how could you turn down anything like that?

By the way, don't sleep with him on the first date or he wont respect you.

Catchya!

Conan"


A bit much?

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Fireborn Gamemasters Guide
Currently Playing:Fireborn - Rememberance
Mood: Tired and worried

New Poll

Well my temperament has definitely improved now. :)

So I've set up the new poll - btw the winners were Secret of Zir'An and Blue Planet. That gives me something to work at. :D

The New Poll - Which project should Conan get started on?

Project WF - this is my own space opera RPG setting. Based on a question - what if the universe as we see it from Earth is distorted? A game with many different areas of interest, it mixes a lot of inspirations.
Project ES - My long term project, this is a future fantasy story that tells of a cold war that threatens a world unlike our own where humanity has long since abandoned religion in favour of science and philosophy. Almost allegorical in concept.
Project WC - a tale of modern fantasy set here in Wellington, a group of friends come to terms with their personal issues with the aid of Wellington's secret denizens...
Project ETA - Everything humanity believes in has it's source in fact. Now those facts will be revealed...
Project Kea - Before the Departure, there were three peoples who existed to discover the nature of all things. A fantasy series that will end in a way that you least expect and present an epic tale that will make the Lord of the Rings look like a picnic trip... (if I can pull it off. :D)
Project Nick - Before he was a Bad Ass Loner, he was a simple man who lived a simple life. Before they took it all away!!! Now he wants revenge on them... if only he could figure out what they took and if only he could stop watching anime! One day he will be... NICK P! Badass Loner! The first in a thirteen issue pulp novel series - keep an eye out for Nick P and the Nazi Hermaphrodites from Venus!

So vote away and let's see what I start working on. :)

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Blue Rose
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance
Mood: Lethargic

Trees and Banks

Grrrr Westpac has managed to earn my ire today because the money Dad sent me didn't go through when it was supposed to and I wont see it until tomorrow. >:(

*sigh* so I'm not in the best of moods. I'm really feeling stressed this morning over it. Trying not to let things get me down, especially after the great day yesterday...

But I'm feeling very frustrated, because it always seems like just when things are going right, they end up getting cocked up again.

I'm too tired for this crap.

I need to start writing my book... but what am I going to write?

Every so often I worry that I complain too much. Or that I seek pity. What am I doing?

I'm trying to be honest about what I'm feeling - trying to be clear about how things are not all roses and happiness (or unicorn's smiles...) at the moment. That I am under a hell of a lot of pressure.

It was suggested that I look for some temporary work until I get a job that actually pays well - but I know where that leads. See, I did that when I was having trouble in University the first time - I thought I'd work a while until I was ready to return. It took me over five years to get out of working.

Then I thought, after I graduated, I'd work for a while until I found a job that I'd like - a year later I was still in the same job unhappy and desperately trying to figure a way out.

No.

Taking a job just to fill-in time and get money rarely ends up being that. It ends up trapping you because you get bound by contracts and circumstances.

But the alternative?

I'm worried that my teeth are in serious need of dental care - it has been a year since I was at the dentist's last and occasionally my gums hurt. Even though I brush twice a day, I swear that my front teeth are becoming alarmingly transparent. I haven't seen a GP in ages. I worry about how I haven't been to the gym and how I'm going to end up unhealthy and with diabetes. I worry that I'm going blind and deaf. I suffer from tinnitus which is okay some days and is scaring me the next.

I worry a lot.

I love being with my friends because I stop worrying, but at the moment I feel like I have just screwed everything up. My body, my life and that I wont be able to get any of it back.

Which all sounds a lot more dire than it is. It's not like I'm in a corner weeping or anything. It's just that these things are constantly flying around my head at the moment - which makes me think of money which makes me worry about the friends that I owe cash to and the debts I need to pay off, which leads me to feeling a sharp stabbing pain at the base of my skull, which sets off the migraine behind my left eye - which always kicks in when I'm thinking too much, which sets off my worrying again which leaves me wanting to just be held and able to forget for a while how things are stressing me out.

I never used to stress like this - it has been a very recent development.

Since Alex.

I can't believe I let him get to me like this.

Still.

Which leads me to being alone. Which leads me to feeling like I can be loved by my friends and still not actually be loved.

Which leads me to berating myself for doubting people. Which leads me to wondering if I can ever look at myself without feeling ashamed of my thoughts. Which leads me to self-pity, which leads to my reminding myself that intention is the important thing. Which leads me to remembering that I am a good guy who genuinely cares. Which comforts me because I know that I worry because I just want to be able to do the right thing and be the right kind of guy for everyone - not for their approval, but because I want my own approval of who I am. Which leads me to realising that so much of this worry is because I want to look in the mirror and say "I love myself."

And you know what?

I actually do. I know that no matter what happens to me, no matter how much I might say I'm an idiot- I still am happy to be me. Because I do think I'm a damn good guy. And I do feel that I can overcome this dark patch and that one day I will be someone that people will look at and be proud to say that they know me.

I let Alex cause me to doubt my self worth - and that is inexcusable. All I can do is keep trying to improve.

And yet... I can't bring myself to hate Alex.

I want to fall in love again. I know I keep coming back to this issue time and time again. But, I have never been with anyone. Sure I've *been* with someone in the biblical begatting sense, but not in the intimate loving sense. I crave that intimacy like a man dying of thirst craves water. It's not that I think falling in love is going to solve anything - rather, I feel that it will help me move on to the next step in my life.

I'm there now, I'm ready to move on... so in the words of John Meyer "hurry up and get here."

Love and Huggles

Conan


Entish


To which race of Middle Earth do you belong?
brought to you by Quizilla


Currently Reading: Unknown Armies Second Edition
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance
Mood: Melancholy

BBQs and Comfort

First off - I need to get a proper digital camera, the one on my phone is the suxx0rs. :D

Thanks heaps and big ups to Norman for a truly memorable BBQ that was loads of fun.


Debbie admires the softness and beauty of Giffy's hair...

"Oh my god, Nick and Conan have just levelled up!" - Debbie comments on how good a hot tub foot massage can get...

Wow, we had a blast. While I was at the BBQ Paul mentioned that he had got the impression that I was loving Wellington by missing my old friends from Auckland. However, I'm realising that I just love my friends down here too. They are fun, exciting and interesting people. :) We had a complete ball, with lots of interesting conversation. Morgue gave me some good reasons to think about roleplaying in a different perspective, Fraser proved that covering your crotch with a plastic bag is always sure to get a laugh and Norman taught us the problem of escalation when he retaliated against a water pistol by bringing out the hose and spraying Debbie liberally with it.

Although attempts were made to get Nick's t-shirt wet, Debbie and Little Cat were able to get him into the spa - where a record nine people were eventually squeezed in. Morgue has photographic evidence of this feat!

We all had a great time - and much humour and bon vivant abounded despite the murky weather. :D

Now I sit here feeling really good - but also a little melancholy. It's probably just me being silly, but I kind of feel a bit... well not lonely, because there are so many very cool people who have managed to make me feel like I belong somewhere now - in fact I felt more at home than ever before - but now that I'm home... well I think you know what I mean.

I don't mean a sex partner or something silly like that - but I want to be part of a couple. There were several couples there today, and I didn't feel jealous, I just felt like I really wanted to experience what they had. That wonderful sense of being a team, a partnership - with all its foibles. :)

That's why I'm melancholy. Here I am needing to worry about a job and my future, and I'm thinking about how I wanted to walk in the door arm in arm with someone, curl up in front of the television before bed and talk about what a cool BBQ it was and how much fun we'd had before snuggling in and preparing for tomorrow.

I haven't kissed anyone in a long time - and that is one of my favourite parts of being with someone, being able to kiss whenever the urge takes you to.

I'm a damn fine kisser, if I say so myself. :D Right up there with my hugs. I'm a very tactile person when it comes to being affectionate. :D

But I'm probably boring you.

The BBQ was certainly fun. I am feeling very warm and fuzzy. I would have stayed longer, but I felt that strange melancholy sense and realised that I was feeling tired - I'm going to bed soon. I feel so balanced and happy. I love my friends and genuinely care about all of you guys.

I feel like I've come home.

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Blue Planet Frontier Justice
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance
Mood: Warm and loving. Wanting to snuggle up with someone...

Another day... another...

Well I managed to start the day off well by wishing Mum happy birthday to have her tell me it's on Tuesday. *sigh* I swear that woman changes it every year, I have yet to get the darn thing right. :D

So I'm trying to motivate myself to write again - but everytime I sit down at the computer I let myself get distracted. This time it was World of Warcraft, last time it was checking e-mails...

I think the core issue is that I'm not passionate about any of the projects I'm thinking of. Nothing is leaping out at me and saying "get going." Now the solution for me is to write anyway and eventually I'll build up momentum - but I suspect that I've allowed myself to get too complacent. It's like gym. I was doing really well before I moved down. Now I'm slowly putting on weight and getting pudgy. *sigh*

The one thing worst that depression is apathy. At least depression is a feeling. Apathy leads to procrastination which leads turning into my dad! :D

Kidding. ;)

So what am I going to do? I guess I'll put together a poll for next week relating to what project I should start. I'm thinking of reviving Evin Shir - but rethinking the plot to spread out over more books - then pitch it to either Harper Collins or Random House. If I can get a publishing house on side, I might be able to sort a few more things out for myself. :D

Well, I have to dash now... catch ya round!

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Blue Planet Moderator's Guide
Currently Playing: Fireborn - Rememberance
Mood: Pretty good today

Because sometimes it is good to follow...

Because it really is quite lovely...

Reply to this post, and I'll tell you one or a lot of reason[s] why I like/love/adore you. Then put this in your own journal, and spread the love.

Love and Huggles

Conan

Mood: Getting better... :)

The Sun is only outside

Yeah, just came back from my appointment with the bank. I have about two weeks deadline to get myself sorted before my overdraft is cancelled and I find myself $500 in debt. That's not counting all the bills and other expenses that I can't get out of.

Two weeks. I haven't even had one interview. For someone with so much experience and talent, I'm remarkably unemployable it seems - even in this day of being an employees market.

So I'm not doing too good. Dad has offered to help out with rent. But by my calculations the amount he's lending will see me through next week, and then I'll be needing to hit him up again for more money. Not something I thought I'd be doing at the age of 31.

I just want to be able to write, but I can't even do that at the moment because I just look at my work and think "I suck."

Right now, I just want to lay down and sleep forever.

I thought I was past this stage, but today it's all crashing back - I've just made one stupid decision after the other and it all started with me being dumb at the age of 17 and deciding that I wanted to wait until I genuinely fell in love with someone before I had a relationship. Well I didn't know what love was, and I waited and waited and waited. All the time becoming so obsessed with the idea of a relationship.

I'm rambling now. I just feel like there is no hope for me. That I was an idiot for getting so emotional towards Alex and just dropping a good paying job for what? Why did I move down here?

I love Wellington and I want to stay- I can't really leave now - and yet I am completely adrift.

This time... what am I going to do if I don't get a job in two weeks? What am I going to do if I end up panicking and taking a job like Mandatory that I just don't like?

What am I going to do?

Conan

Mood: Not optimistic at all now...

Waiting, Positives vs Negatives

What an evening.

I have a silly habit of getting into debates on RPGnet's forums which often rile me up because I find that there are a number of people on there who seem to not be able to get out of their own headspace.

Essentially this guy stepped up and said that he was sick of people being negative about gamers, and he made a very good case of how you shouldn't let negative experiences put you off your hobby. Then all these people started stepping up and telling him to F-off!

Now he did write in a manner that some people may have found inflammatory, so I stepped up said "hang on, this is what the guy is saying." Then he stepped up and said "yep, thanks for putting it that way."

Then all the people who were angry at him tried to tell me that wasn't what he was saying at all and that he had an agenda.

*sigh*

I couldn't just say "well I'm trained in argumentation analysis" because saying that kind of thing is arguing to authority - which is a faulty form of argument. So I had to take the honest route of presenting the logic behind it all. Unfortunately, none of these people wanted to accept the logic - spending their time making strawman arguments.

See, the problem is that a lot of the unhappy posters were regulars on the Forge. Now the Forge is an indie game forum that started off being about gaming theory and developed into a forum for indie game developers. The problem is that the founder, Ron Edwards, is a very outspoken person who essentially stated that if you didn't use roleplaying games to tell stories well - then you were living in the dark ages.

I find this amusing, because Ron's discussions on narrative are WAY off base on most occasions. Not to mention a number of his other theories. He has a habit of creating buzz words, something that I've seen in philosophy, and it is usually used as an attempt to look like you've made a new discovery. This is why I have no interest in Forge theory - it is full of people who take the position that they are at the forefront of game design. The thing is, they aren't.

But all is not lost - there are cool designers on Forge and there are cool people who come up with some very nifty ideas. OVA, Dogs in the Vineyard - these kind of games exist because of the Forge.

The problem is that there are people whose outspoken, poorly considered comments have stirred up a hornet's nest of resentment towards the Forge. But rather than try to find a middle ground to work out differences, these people then aggressively defend the Forge in a knee-jerk reaction that tends to ignore what is being said.

And this was the case here. A guy stepped up and was honest about what he thought, tried to deliver a positive message, and the Forgites who responded degenerated into name-calling and accusing him of having an anti-forge agenda.

It was very disappointing.

The fact that many forgites tend to miss is that the language they use is exclusive and insulting to many normal players.

Yes, games evolve - but indie games aren't the pinnacle of that evolution. They are the bits of design that come to deadends - but the systems they develop get subsumed into the mainstream to develop new games.

For example, Weapons of the Gods is fast moving from being an indie game to third level mainstream and it uses a much more advanced version of Kickers in the form of Loresheets.

Kickers being a Forge term for character backgrounds that act as jump starts for a campaign.

Which isn't to say that indie games are deadwood - they are still good games, but they are never going to be at the forefront of design. They will always be the weaker beta versions of the systems that do become the forefront of game design...

I, for one, am tired of hearing people from the Forge talking like they are somehow the true roleplaying fans. They are simply a subset of the community who have their particular interest.

The problem has been that Ron Edwards closed the theory forum on Forge and now all the people who used to happily debate there have started hanging out on the other roleplaying forums spouting their theory to people who simply don't give a crap.

Ironically, this has made the Forge a better place to hang because most of the people who remained are all the designers talking about practical game design.

What it has caused though on my regular hangout though is raise the hostility. Because most people on RPGnet have historically disagreed with forgites because RPGnet has always been more interested in practical applications of games. They don't care for theory because they have been constantly told that they are wrong.

So I fear that this negativity is going to keep increasing because a large number of people from the Forge who have moved over to RPGnet refuse to actually discuss. They actually feel that their theories are correct to the point that if you disagree you are just wrong. Yet their reasoning relies on running around in circles and arguing against other people rather than actually providing any proof to support their own theories.

It's the same as the old error of thinking I used to see in media studies. See, the problem with analysis is that you can see whatever you want, because it is like joining the dots. The trick to good analysis is combining analysis with research - something the Forge tends to avoid doing.

When you are analysing game theory, you need to also research the intents of gamers, you need to get solid facts on what designers are thinking when they design their games. If you make an assumption you have to expressly state that you are not drawing on evidence and that you could very well be wrong.

*sigh*

Obviously, I'm a bit miffed over this because it frustrates me. I like discussing new ideas for game design, but the level of intellectual wankery that is occuring is upsetting. Worst still, the problem with arguments is that it becomes more and more easier to get caught up into the wanking and forget the core of the debate.

In the meantime, I'm currently waiting to hear back from all the businesses I have applied for jobs with - I even applied to work for Vagabonds when they move down here. :) Yet to hear back from any of these people.

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Break Today
Currently Running: Fireborn: Rememberance
Currently Listenting to: Funky Dory - Rachel Stevens
Mood: Actually pretty optimistic :)

Sexiest Blogger, Fireborn, The Eternal Hunt

First of all, Nick wins again! Sexiest Blogger. Well, congrats Nick. :D I have to admit, I suspect it was that costume that pushed you over the edge, because it did look like Debz was going to get it until the last day...

Ran Fireborn last night, it was a true hoot. I had a good time, and I suspect that everyone else did too. I'm still amazed at how straight forward combat actually was - it just flew. To give you guys an idea - we started the fight at just before 10pm and finished at 10:25pm. Approx thirty minutes.

I still hunt for a job. I did what I thought I wouldn't do - I applied for the job as manager of Vagabonds Wellington. I figure that it would be cool to have a GOOD gameshop in Wellington, and Vagabonds is reasonably priced. If there is one retail job I enjoy, it's selling games. :) So here's hoping. :)

Not a lot else to say today. Hope everyone is happy!

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Fireborn, Angel
Currently Playing: Fireborn
Mood: Optimistic

A Man on the Hunt

Another day of job hunting - it is getting a bit concerning what I'm going to do about money soon. My Dad is offering to help, but he wasn't very clear how he was going to. It's not like he's rich or anything.

*sigh*

So I am a little worried today about how long this is going to be. When I first moved down it took a month for me to find a job. I'm hoping I wont have to do that again...

I'm feeling a bit pudgy today. I stopped going to the gym when I moved down, and I had been getting a flat stomach again, now it is definitely heading towards a pot-belly. But I'm finding it hard to motivate myself back into the gym. I know I will be fine once I get exercising again - I'm a little masochistic that way, I like the feeling of my muscles knitting from a good healthy workout.

The thing is with my monetary situation, I'm a little nervy.

Still kind of buzzed from Kapcon - so I'm doing good, and I've realised that I'm now feeling more Wellingtonian. :) So I am settling down.

Mash and I talked the other day and I pointed out how at the moment I'm not really mixing in any circles where I'm likely to meet someone to start dating. I had been obsessing about my appearance again, see. I'm trying to improve it, but I worry that I will not meet anyone, or if I do I wont be attracted.

Not that I hate how I look, I just never look good in pictures - my forehead always looks far too large and my chin too small.

I'm not depressed - just kind of... I don't know. Melancholy? :)

Anyhoop - I must go and keep hunting work. :D

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Angel the RPG
Currently Playing: Fireborn: Rememberance
Mood: Neutral

And on the third day, he rested...

Wow. What a cool and excellent weekend! :)


The charismatic Peter Franklyn attending Queen Victoria's Silver Jubilee. Panda Pitt looks quite the stunner - no wonder he won best costume. :D

Saturday

Kapcon opened with a bang for me, straight into running Flight of the Aristola I was given what could almost be called the dream team of first session players - Celeste, Jarrod, Jenni, Nick, Giffy and Nick Beach. There were aliens, runemages and madness! Jenni was a disturbingly convincing Indiana Jones and Nick was, no surprises here, a Bad Ass Lone-elf who lived by his own rules. (But that's why we love ya Nick! :) ) With such a cool team of players, I felt bouyed and positive about the first session and ready to take on the second.

I ended up running Aristola all three sessions - mostly because I stupidly forgot to print out some vital character sheet info for Snow and Thunder, the Weapons of the Gods game I intended to run. And I forgot the beads that it used. :)

In the second round we had more craziness - with a crowd of players who provided me with much entertainment - especially our mad axe throwing Neolli, and heroic Rand who kept telling tales of his mad exploits. It is interesting that out of three players over the Con, two chose the machine gun option for Rand. lol

Interspersed with all this, we had pizza and I got a chance to catch up with Morgue, Jon B. and many of the other Wellingtonians that I only ever get to see during KapCon. :)

The third session really brought things to a rollicking fun close - with a massive air chase courtesy of the only person I know who seems to secretly live the code of the swashbuckler - Johnathon T. :)

After everyone had finished up the third round, we started to get ready for the LARP.

The costumes were amazing, and everyone really made a fantastic effort to get the most out of the game. Which is really what helps to make a LARP successful. Everyone was keen to help each other have a fun evening, and from all accounts it worked.

I played Oscar Wilde - which was an exhausting role to play. Honestly, it is damn difficult to be that witty for three hours straight. :) I thought I had only pulled off a passable part, so imagine my surprise (and delight) when I ended up winning second place for best LARP player.

I've provided a picture of Nick, who was playing a mysterious and charismatic young man, Peter Franklyn. He won best costume for the LARP - what isn't readily visible in the picture are his subtle prothetics. He had tiny little horns which were almost impossible to notice until you had been talking to him for a while, and his ears were slightly pointed. This was because Peter was actually the faerie Puck. I had it on my character sheet that Oscar was verging on obsessed with Peter, and hey, when he looked that good I think everyone was obsessed with him by the end. :D

Luke and Sam also were Fae, Oberon and Titania - and arrived in shocking white make up and their eyebrows drawn further up their heads. Sam was stunning in her almost gothic appearance - a grey victorian dress, her hair in ringlets and a dark black veil across her face. Luke managed to be disturbingly menacing. He was trying to offer people their wishes, but his manner was so frightening, a lot of them simply avoided "the rude foreign man with the creepy face." :)

The best LARP Player was so convincing in her role I almost believed she was in fact a French opera singer. Admittedly, she was an opera singer - but that simply made it all the cooler when she and her fellow singers got up and gave us a recital of two songs. It made the whole game have a sense of authenticity that I feel really helped the players get into the game. Unfortunately, I can't remember her name. :(

Another highlight of the evening was the poetry competition. Jarrod has to get special mention for the impressive "BLOOD!" poem that Ambassador Dracula recited. Mash gave a Tennyson poem, that Lord Tennyson promptly derided as "interesting" (lol) and Emma Darwin read a truly appalling piece of poetry to her husband. Props to her for screaming "RIGGED!" when Chastity won the competition. :)

Sunday

So after a successful day of fun and frivolity, Sunday was a bit of a challenge to show up to - I was exhausted and feeling a bit tired when I showed up. But, naturally, that didn't last long. I'm a real morning person, and so I do my groggy start at about 7am and I'm perky and ready to hit the day by 7:01am. Much to Mash and Ivan's annoyance. :)

I was initially disappointed to have not gotten into Bebop or A/State when I dragged my heels into Hugh's Normality game. That sunk further when I saw the character sheet - rather than anything that remotely resembled rational sense, the sheet was mix of discordian comments and weirdness. I remember thinking when I looked at the sheet - "It is WAY too early in the morning for this!"

Still, I soldiered on because I was intrigued in the game and had heard good things about it. Within the first twenty minutes we were skipping school in a chillingly distopian future and slowly the words on the character sheets began to make a disturbing sense. By the end of the session we were all truly enraptured with this surreal tale of symbolism that ended with us bringing back the creatures of myth to the world.

Morgue made a very interesting comment at the post-Kapcon drinks about Normality - that while it was working on one level as a con game full of symbolism, he soon realised that there was another level to the game that was almost intuitive and hard to describe. I have to agree - at some point that is hard to pick, the group suddenly clicked into this strange second level and even though we seemed to be acting individually, our actions were all connected. It was a very strange experience. And very cool.

After a quick trip down to Subway with Giffy, Hix, Jenni et al it was on to the next round where I finally ran Snow and Thunder. The guys in that game were fantastic - and we all had a ball, especially Jarrod, I suspect, who had great fun being Plum Blossom Xi - the plump kung-fu matriarch who had come out of retirement to find her three missing sons. :)

Then it was the prize giving - where I was surprised to win second place for the LARP. Hix won best GM and Jon B. won best Player. Luke won the Scenario Design Competition and Nick won best costume for the LARP.

Now I'm really keen to get an opportunity to play in a game of Hix's. I've read his Buffy write-ups and he's really a talented GM. We had a chat about gaming, and he strikes me as quite an insightful guy. Hopefully next year we can convince him to enter the SDC as well. Maybe next year I might actually get off my own lazy bottom and write a scenario for a change as well. :D

In the final session - which is really the point where you can relax and have some fun - I got to play in Nick C.'s Firefly game. We had an absolute ball! Of course the stand out performance has to go to Jon B. who proved why he won best player by literally becoming Jayne off the show. He was hilarious. Frank P. was great as Zoe - if somewhat frightening at times when he flirted with his "husband" Wash across the table. I got to be Kaylee - which was so much fun. She's exactly how I like to be - always cheerful and happy. Norman was Mal - and he got some very cool lines off.

I felt a little intimidated - I'm not always good at coming up with the snappy lines, despite appearances - but I had such a good time, that it ended up being the true highlight of the entire con for me. Which I think is kind of a good thing, because it meant I left KapCon on a complete high.

After helping Matt and Debbie clean up, we went back to Norman's place to bask in the afterglow of the convention and share our favourite moments and thoughts. It was a lot of fun and a bit of a shame to go home and realise that it was now all over.

I got a text about one am just as I was about to go to sleep. It kind of summed up my feelings about the con - the happiness and the sense that I was sad to see it gone. Oddly enough, getting that text made me feel good about letting the weekend go so that I could wrap myself up in the memories of it and sleep.

Of course, I then had a lot of dreams about roleplaying last night. Go figure. :D

One last thing before I leave for now -

THANK YOU MATT AND DEBBIE FOR A VERY VERY VERY COOL KAPCON!

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: D6 Fantasy
Mood: Content, warm and full of love for everyone. No, really. :) Hey, I'm in a good mood - that's what I'm like when I'm in a good mood. Get over it. :D HUG!

Wowsa that was a long night...

For the first time in a while I wasn't perky and cheerful when I woke this morning - I was kind of drowsy. But then being up writing to 1:30am and then finishing a book before going to sleep at 2:30am can do that to ya. :)

So here I am with still more work to do on my scenario - which is thankfully near completion - and I feel a little sleepy still.

I am so excited about this weekend! :D

It certainly strikes me as a really great chance to catch up with all my friends, and generally have a good time.

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Nothing! Finished American Gods and it as AWESOME!
Mood: Still waking up... but feeling good.

American Gods - Sleep in - Ruminations on reality

Well I just got out of bed - it's been a long while since I've slept in that much. But in reality, I woke up about 7:30 and read American Gods until now. Haven't finished it, but loving the book. Very cool. :)

Hmmm not much else to really talk about today. I'm going to be spending most of the day working on my scenario and taking it easy. Trying not to stress out and all. :) I didn't go to the interview yesterday after having a serious talk with my Dad who pointed out that I would end up making the same mistake I did with Mandatory.

The thing is, when you're in your teens or studying at Uni, any job will do. You just need to have a regular income. But I'm 31 and I need to be thinking about my future and happiness. I need to have a job that pays me what I'm worth, and that when I show up for work, I actually want to be showing up. So I will keep hunting until the job that pays what I want to be paid shows up. How I will survive in the meantime remains to be seen - but I will survive somehow.

It is a strange thing to be in this place in my life - where I'm hoping to make that change from young adult into full adult. Yet something in me is dissatisfied with the way the world is. Or, more accurately, with the way Humanity has decided to define the world. I know all the logical arguments that people make about money, limited resources etc... but I keep thinking - if resources are so limited, why are there so many more cars in car yards for sale than being driven? Why do restaurants, supermarkets and fast food joints have food that goes off and has to be thrown away? Why, when for the last ten years we've been told that there are hardly any fossil fuels left, is petrol still being used? Are we waiting for the resources to run out before we do something about it?

Well yeah. Because it makes better economic sense apparently.

Which is the flaw with humanity - we place so much importance on money, we forget what the world is actually about. Life. Happiness. Discovery.

Now I'm not saying that life is a disney channel affair - but it is something that is to be experienced and revelled in. I have that on pretty good authority - no, I'm not giving away any sources - that this is what life is about. Not death, not cash, not even the promise of paradise afterwards.

Think about it. If you are meant to spend your physical life in temperance and seclusion. If you aren't supposed to make mistakes and live without doing anything that could make you a "sinner" then how will you be prepared for paradise? What do you think that place would be like?

You enter a realm of purity, but totally unprepared for anything that exists there.

I'm with Nietzsche on this one, it is a waste of your life to be waiting for the next one. The ancients never wasted their lives waiting for the afterlife - most of them revelled in experiencing the world. Even the pre-christians.

But we have tied ourselves up with the wrong ideas. Society is a mess, and worst still - nobody cares. Sure everyone asks "could life be better" but most people take the position of "I'm not happy, but I'll pretend to be content."

Yet you can see it in their eyes... something is missing. What humanity needs is a good slap upside the head and get their act together. It's not about Allah, it's not about YHVH, it's not about any of that.

We are meant to figure out the universe. That's what free will and sentience is all about. But not so that we can control the universe... oh no. Simply so that we can appreciate it for what it is. I see it like this - the universe is a three-dimensional artwork that the artist/s have made. Now we wander this maze of expressionism, but the purpose is so that eventually we will see the entire work and say "wow. So that is what it's all about."

Or maybe not. I always felt that the universe was created for the creator to live in and share. I don't believe that there is a God who sits outside the Universe watching it - because that serves no purpose. What's the point of creating a universe if it isn't even going to be used for long?

People hide behind the claim that we cannot know the workings of a god's mind. I say... bollocks. We are meant to be made in the image of God. We are meant to be granted Free Will. We have the drive to create. We are like God. Sure, we don't make universes - but then we're not gods ourselves. But we can understand a god's purpose.

But to do that, we need to be open to learning the big picture. What it's all about.

However we waste our time chasing money and depleting resources. We spend our time worrying about land and whose god is bigger.

That's not a good use of time. That's a waste. We are in a holding pattern of existence.

So some people don't care what the purpose is. Why should they force that on to those who do? Just as those who care about the purpose of the universe shouldn't force their desires onto the people who don't care.

I still believe there is a system that could balance that out fairly for everyone. Sure it wont be perfect - that's free will and humanity for you - but I do think that it is time to seriously find out what the point of it all is.

Because what if it ended up that there was a time limit to all this. Then we have wasted an awful lot of precious time on things that might not actually matter two jots. Or worse, we could have wasted time on something that will end up getting us into trouble...

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: American Gods by Neil Gaiman
Mood: Contemplative

Interviews, Costumes and Hugs

Yesterday I met up with James P. and thus managed to confirm that he does still exist - or there are some powerful Vodoun in Wellington. :)

Today I have a job interview for a job I actually don't want to do... but I'm thinking I'll show up anyway to just check it out and see if I can get out of it if it ends up one of the dream jobs I've applied for comes through. :) Let's just say it isn't as bad as my last job. :D

I also have to organise my costume for Kapcon today - hmmm, Oscar Wilde... that should be challenging. Nick was telling me how cool his costume is, I'm intrigued now. Apparently it is very sexy and everyone is going to fall in love with it when they see it. Talk about upselling. :) (HUGS!)

Flight of the Aristola is progressing. After talking with Luke I've come up with another development for the system - each PC will have a choice of three secrets, depending on which ones they choose, there will be potential changes in the game's timeline. I'm going to tackle that later today to see if it works. :) I sure know how to pile on the work. ;)

I got my Massey University enrolement and I've realised that if I go extramural, it's going to take me 5-6 years to complete the degree! :S

What I think I will do is try for full-time work and start the degree, see how I go and finish it on campus after I've settled more with work. Basically - see how it all plays out. :)

I'm not sure for certain, but I'm feeling like I'm going to be having a flirty day today... must be these new sexy glasses. :D

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: American Gods by Neil Gaiman
Currently Listening to: You Don't Know Me - Michael Bublé
Mood: Happy, Excited, maybe flirty... :D

Kapcon is coming!

So I'm planning my game for Kapcon at the moment. The Flight of the Aristola - if it goes as I plan - will be a mix of Cthulhu, Indiana Jones and Poirot. I'm writing up the key core events and a description of the layout of the Aristola itself, then I'll be looking at statting up the characters.

With every Kapcon scenario I plan, I always try to do something a little different. I try to inject a sense of involvement for the players - sometimes this works, and sometimes it doesn't. This year I'm going with a more traditional game, but what I've done is create 8 characters for a six player game. The goal of this is so that each game will play a little differently depending on which six characters are involved. Secondly, while the game is based on politics - rather than come up with the political situations, I will be leaving it open to the players to define the world's details. Naturally there will be guidelines - but the feel should be that each group will walk away with a very unique experience while still having a similar frame of reference to draw upon.

I like to personalise my games to suit the group. :)

Also today, I get my new glasses! YAY!!!! And I will also be confirming the existence of James P. Wow!

What a busy day I have ahead of me. :D

Hope everyone has a great day today - catch y'all later!

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: American Gods by Neil Gaiman
Mood:Chipper and happy - again!

Sexcee

Well I've added another poll. Nick won the previous poll by a convincing 27 votes! Guess being a bad ass loner is a plus in a fight. Now we will have to see if he can also score sexiest blogger - but he is up against some tough competition... I've made this poll last a shorter period - so make sure you get voting! :)

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: American Gods by Neil Gaiman
Mood: Perky