Return of the repeat of the coming of the ... you get the idea...

It has been some time since I posted to this blog - what with the web project in effect, personal turmoil and a hectic lifestyle as of late - it has been difficult to find the time to come back to this.

Currently I am thinking about crossing over into the world of either VLogging or podcasting. The problem with Vlogs is that they often feel to me even more about self-obsessive ranting than even blogging tends to be. Very few vlogs are insightful or honest - the most popular ones tend to be fictional as well. So I think I need to emo up a bit more before I consider that.

Podcasting would be fun, but I feel that I would need to have profound things to talk about - and a decent podcast takes time to set up and edit - time I don't currently have (see web television project mentioned earlier.)

So where is Conan at right now?

Well I've got two completed scripts for my series, and I'm working on the third at the moment. My business, Evin Shir Games, is looking at a transition into the indie game selling scene - although that may be short lived if Customs tariffs end up being too high...

Emotionally, I had a really rough time about a month or so back. I ended up canceling all my gaming commitments because I was in such a bad place and needed to slow down. It was a difficult choice to make, but things have been very rough. My finances are currently very tight, and I have been feeling a bit vulnerable about things recently.

My experience has taught me that being up front about my feelings can tend to overwhelm or upset people. Right now I'm kind of trying to get things together and set up for the future. It was funny, I talked to my ex - Steve - who isn't an ex, but kind of is. It's a long story that doesn't involve sex, but involves a three month "relationship" that went a bit awry.

Any way, I was talking to Steve last night because I had texted him that morning and he called me that night to see how I was. As always happens when we talk, we kind of behaved as if we were a couple. (A common problem we have faced in the past, where people have assumed we were going out. We just get each other on a certain level...) ANYWAY, I kind of let slip something when I was saying good bye. It just popped out. "I love you, sweets."

It felt oddly natural. Because I do love Steve, dearly. We're not going to ever be lovers, but that doesn't change my feelings. I love a lot of people. But as of late, I've been realising that a lot of my stress has arisen from the fact that not a lot of people love me in the way that I need love at the moment.

Did that come out right?

Let me try again.

I am in a very difficult situation at the moment with three key projects juggling - work, the web show and my business. Normally I can keep things going around for a while - but I am human, and we aren't built to do these things alone. I'm not talking about sex - although I could do with some of that as well at some point - but about companionship. I look around my room and ask "who am I doing this for?"

I'm not some Objectivist who is able to be a lone intellectual. I need nourishment, I need to nourish someone else's life.

Probably sounds more depressing than I mean it to. Just that love is on my mind at the moment, and I feel that I need to know that I am worth loving. That someone wants to spend time with me, wants to get to know me.

It has been two months since I went to the gym. I went back on Thursday, and it was a bad experience. I have gotten out of shape. But motivation has become a hard slog.

I have met so many people in this world. I have known a lot of guys and I have fallen in love three times now.

I have yet to find someone who genuinely fell in love with me.

I was told that part of the problem is that I can be an overwhelming person - apparently there are times when I put my attention on someone and everything about me focuses on them.

I am passionate. Most of all, I know my feelings. I can sense what I feel and even have a good idea as to why I feel those feelings - even when they are conflicting. It would seem that not so many people are able to do that. They can't understand that you can be angry, forgiving, sad, happy and passionately in love all at once. They can't understand how to tell why they have all those feelings at once.

Most of the time, I can tell why I feel those things.

Which is why saying "I love you" means a hell of a lot. It is true, and it is a sign of my giving something over - something precious to me. I place myself into a vulnerable point.

Of course talking about love on a blog isn't going get me a lover, it's not going to solve anything. A blog is really a way of processing information and getting the knowledge out there. For me, the struggle will continue. Just letting you all know that I don't mean to be rude or callous or unsocial. I just have a lot on my plate at the moment and it is a difficult time emotionally for me. But I am working through it.

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Changeling: The Lost
Currently Playing: Nothing
Mood: Hard to say at the moment. Kind of happy, a little melancholy. NOT Emo. ;)