The Second Coming

I've just finished watching the DVD of the controversial ITV mini-series The Second Coming.

It is interesting that I watched this show today, when I find myself reading in the newspaper about how many christian churches are up in arms against homosexuality again, how we are facing a growing threat of religious violence between fundamentalist faiths, and how the world is generally dividing up into those who believe and those who don't.

The Second Coming focuses on how an ordinary bloke from Northern England suddenly realises that he's the Son of God. After proving his claim with a pretty impressive miracle, he declares that humanity has five days to deliver a third testament. That this time, humanity must write the testament themselves or else Judgement day will come.

The show focuses on the personal struggles that are faced by the Son of God and his friends in a very ballsy and at times unrelenting show.

Yet the ending betrays a certain failing. I realise that it engenders some debate about what we believe - but it also makes some rather interesting assumptions.

Which brings me to why this isn't a usual "review time" post.

Religion.

Such a sticky subject that carries so much baggage and politics. As organisations, religions tend to be unreasonable juggernauts often making claims that a majority of the individuals within any given religion may not agree with.

A further problem lies in tolerance. We must show tolerance and respect for those who are different from us - and that we must accept and respect religious difference. But at the same time while different faiths are willing to pull the tolerance card when they feel they are being hard done by, they have no qualms ignoring tolerance when it suits.

But is it fair to blame religions?

Is it the people, the belief, the dogma?

I'm going to talk about being gay for a moment here. I sometimes get the impression a lot of people get politely squicksome about the topic. It is something that they feel if they don't talk about it, then it is as good as not saying anything bad about it.

Many religious groups openly villify it, claiming tracts of the bible to support their claims.

Many gay men become atheists because of the way they have been treated by the church or other faiths.

Being gay isn't a disease. It's not a mental condition. It is something innate that we choose to accept. Yes there is a point where a choice is made. I can't fully remember the day, but I do remember that I eventually chose to accept how I felt.

That is the gift of being human - we can choose.

I could choose to not be gay, but I would never be happy with that choice. It would feel somehow... wrong. I have been down that road, so I know what I'm saying here.

Supposing, then, that homosexuality isn't unnatural - why does it exist?

Why am I considered a sinner? For not spreading my genetic code? For not bringing more souls into the world? Where is the sin?

Or is it the sin of arrogance? To think that I can just choose who I want to love. Because this isn't about sex. I haven't had sex in a very long time. I'll admit that. Because I want to be with someone I love. So it can't be the sin of Lust then.

What pisses me off about religion, and I do get very angry, is that there has not been a message from on high. If God is in the details, if God is part of nature - then God has told me that it is alright to be gay. Why? Because that is what my heart and intuition has told me. If faith is to be believed - then that intuition is God speaking to my heart.

If it were the devil or a dark corruption of some kind - then I suspect that it would have been a lot more seductive. Trust me - the revelation was far from a seduction.

It infuriates me how people try to argue that holy books like the Bible are the uncorrupted word of God. They are not God's words - they are the words of men with political agendas.

Read the bible and you will find contradiction, confusion and ambiguity. Many christians fail to remember that the New Testament was about Jesus coming down and saying that the Old Testament was to be abandoned. To be replaced by a new way of living.

Yet no religion is built on that understanding.

Further - what of Allah? Zeus? Mab? Krishna? or the thousands of other gods and deities? What is the story with them?

Why is God so right?

Because he has moved things to ensure his belief has spread because of truth? Bollocks. Christianity's success is closely related to the spread of Western thinking. Invasion. War. Conquest - these have been the vehicles of Christianity's spread across the globe. Not God.

So where does that leave things? Where does that leave Christians?

I am no atheist. Atheists want the universe to be measurable. The belief that we just end is faulty because it is a poor waste of energy - something that science is learning doesn't happen in this universe. Our universe is surprisingly efficient in the way it operates its highly complex parts.

So am I declaring war on Christians? On religion?

No.

But I do think that these people need to stop and think with clear minds. They have allowed their belief to swallow their reasoning. Belief founded not on any evidence but on the words of people long dead. People who sought to control a world they felt victimised by.

God does not seek division. God/Allah/Zeus/The Way/The Universe/Ma'at seeks harmony. It seeks for us to join together in all our diversity. There is nothing wrong in choosing to see the Universe as God and Angels. Nor is it wrong to choose to see it as Allah.

It is not wrong to choose to live by the commandments or the Pillars. Except when it comes to dividing the world.

You are not meant to see the world in that way. Not everyone is Gay. Not everyone is Christian. Not everyone is Muslim. Not everyone is Irish. Not everyone is Maori.

We were never meant to be completely homogenous. We are meant to be different facets of Humanity together - in harmony. We are meant to look at each other and revel in the diffence, to appreciate the complexity of being both all the same and all different.

Sometimes I wish I could just show people what I see. How I feel about these things. But it always comes out too hateful, or too odd. I worry about such groups as Destiny Church - full of so many good people whose only sin is to follow such blatantly false prophets. Groups like the Exclusive Brethren, who so many people just dismiss as polite and nice people who keep to themselves.

That is the very thing that makes them corrupt and dangerous. Humanity isn't meant to divide up into little compounds of people. We are meant to embrace each other and share our differences. That is how the universe works. If we were to work together - we would be growing up. We don't have to all be the same, but we do need to accept that we are all part of one great thing - the Universe. There's only one. We are all part of it, and our differences give us strength.

It's waiting for us to grow up and realise this. To become part of the greater thing - to travel its length and breadth and learn all its secrets.

Yet we keep talking ourselves out of it. We have become so wrapped up in the minutiae of conflicts we didn't even start- but that some people thousands of years ago with a grudge against a neighbour started.

We are all a part of God - or whatever you wish to call it. Religion is based on truth, but should never be mistaken for truth in its own right. It is a way to look at the universe and relate to it. But it is not the universe in itself.

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Over the Edge second edition
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood: Ready for debate!

What is Wisdom?

My shoulder pain has upgraded itself to a neck pain. Yesterday was a GOD-AWFUL day at work. It got so stressful that my shoulder pain flared up again. It just hasn't come right yet. :(

So I've been stewing over a few things recently because I'm still feeling down about things. I've been wondering if I can ever hope to meet someone who I can be open with fully and share with.

There is just so much going on and I know I probably should be asking for help - but I don't know what I need help with. Work? My Business? Relationships?

This is why I'm feeling isolated. I close off parts of my life because I feel that I should be able to handle them. I want to share them with someone, but not just anyone. So where does that leave me?

Last night Emile, jokingly, said "Conan, you know everything" - in response to something we were talking about, I barely remember it.

Do I really come across that way?

I know a lot of things, but what I don't know is even more than that. What I *do* know is how to approach lack of knowledge.

I am a problem solver. But I seem to have trouble with my own problems because emotions get in the way.

Right now, I am frustrated because I really don't know how I'm going to be able to keep this all up on my own. I'm doing too much work, I don't know what I want for the future other than to be happy.

I want to feel attractive again. I want to feel that someone *wants* to spend time with me. I know I have friends who do that, but I'm wanting something else.

Not sex, but genuine loving intimacy. Not friendly hugs to make me feel good - but genuine affection. I'm scared when it comes to telling someone that I like them. Because every time I have done so, it has ended up hurting me.

What is the wise thing to do? Take a leap? Protect myself?

Not that there is really anyone that I can seriously ask out at the moment. The guys I know are either straight or in relationships already or both. Kind of leaves me with a serious drought to deal with.

I need help moving on with this. I need help getting my business actually making money.

I'm feeling that I am just moving further and further away from myself.

Conan

Currently Reading: Promethean: The Created
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood: Stressed and exhausted - not at all Wise and knowledgable.

Approaching excitement...

I am about to become THE supplier of Pressed On Ink's products to the Wellington area. PoI will be turning all Wellington based business to me, so that I may be able to generate more income into the business and work at getting an Instabook printer down to Welly! (woot!)

Tomorrow is going to be a busy and exciting day too. But I'll let y'all know why a little later on. :)

Not much to talk about today. My Mum was down from Auckland over the weekend, and it was good to catch up with her. I'm kind of liking someone at the moment - actually a couple of someones - but not too sure that any of them are "available."

That actually puts me on to an aside - someone suggested that I only went for unavailable people as some sort of defence mechanism. For the record - I do not. I'm attracted to a lot of people for a lot of reasons. The men I've fallen in love with were all single and gay. Most were also emotionally available too.

Currently I'm attracted to some sexually ambiguous people though - due to my lack of gay Wellingtonian friends - so nothing is likely to come from it. I err on the side of caution in these cases. Until I find out that they are a) available and b) likely to be interested.

Nothing else to say at the moment - except for SQUEEEE!

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Manual of Exalted Power: The Dragon-Blooded
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood: Nervous with excitement over business events!

Globalisation, Irony and Shoulder Pain

Firstly, this little post is about two days late due to my body finally giving in. All the pressure that has been building up finally found a point to release - my shoulder-blade. I got a major stress spasm that meant I ended up taking the day off work yesterday. Today it is feeling good enough for me to go to work - and I'm hoping to make it to roleplaying this evening too (Luke, I'll e-mail you guys by about 10am to confirm.)

So yeah... still stressed, but my shoulder feels a little better today.

But what I wanted to talk about was started by an article in the Dom Post a couple of days ago.

Am I the only person who got the irony that the first muslim and first Iranian in space was a woman? Considering the way extremists have been behaving, it struck me that there was a certain irony behind that. Not only that she went into space, but that the most positive face of Islam yet was an attractive, wealthy and successful Iranian who lives in America and has managed to find a compromise between Western culture and her own ethnic culture.

That is what Globalisation really is about. A common misconception amongst relativists and conservatives is that Globalisation = Americanisation. It doesn't.

Globalisation isn't about the West taking over the world. It is about cultures and ideas mixing across the globe. The West is as much a "victim" of this - look at how prevalent Hong Kong movie tropes have worked their way into western action movies. Look at how many Kebab stores and sushi stores there are. Look at how we have just embraced the walkman for years - a Japanese concept and product that was developed to deal with a uniquely Japanese problem.

Globalisation is about embracing something from another culture and turing it into to something uniquely your own. I remember watching a Hindu Pepsi ad that by watching it would have convinced you that Pepsi was a purely Indian idea and drink.

The thing about Globalisation is that it is a buzz-word for a natural process - change. Conservatives are naive in thinking that they can ever keep the status-quo. Look at conservative nations like those of the Middle-East who have attempted to keep things the same for centuries, and as such are always on the knife-edge of war.

Look to the African and South-American dictatorships and how precariously balanced they are - how eventually the nation stagnates and suffers.

The only things that last are cultures that embrace the necessity of change. Western "culture" is not as easily defined as relativists would care to admit - because it is in constant flux and change. We have our bouts of conservatism - but the structure of democracy is that nothing remains the same forever. It is a political structure designed to alter to the people's desires.

That is not to say that we live in a perfect society - far from it. But the West's strength lies in the ability to change. Yet even nations like Japan - who have strong conservative traditions - also have strength because they have found a compromise between status-quo and change.

Change is an inevitability that many humans have trouble accepting. I point to the wisdom of Taosim - a philosophy that recognises that change is inevitable. Or Buddhism - another philosophy built on the knowledge that the world is in constant flux. Embrace change, accept it and your life becomes more hopeful.

I'm not sure quite where I want to go with this - I guess I just want to express that we should not be afraid of change...

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: The Secret of Zir'An
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood: Still thinking about things...

Isolation and Community

I'm thinking a lot about isolation at the moment. It seems to be a recurring theme in my life. One of the things that is often overlooked by people in relationships is that being single is about being isolated. For some people it is a comfortable situation because you can't really be hurt and it is easy to become comfortable in the lifestyle.

I remember how in The Celestine Prophecy one of the core concepts behind it was about how people were a dichotomy of individuality combined with community. Essentially we are all individual entities, but through community we individually manage to develop and grow.

The Universe is all about change and development.

Essentially the idea is that by meeting and sharing thoughts with people, we change through our individual differences.

Thus isolation is really the abode of the conservative who fears to change themselves. The irony being that we can never cease being ourselves - all the material that makes us who we are can change, but the person at its core is still the same person. We can be hardcore anarchists one day but become born-again christians the next.

At the moment I feel isolated.

I'm partially to blame for this - I'm experiencing some emotions that are making me want to distance myself a little. Nothing negative, but rather I'm filled with too much love and nowhere for it to go. Yep - I'm sure some people were waiting to see how long it would take for me to mention that again.

I'm finding it hard to explain how I'm feeling without sounding creepy or desperate or something that doesn't sound right when I write it down.

I want to talk about my feelings, but I don't really know what to say without saying the totally wrong thing.

Part of my issue is that I want to be a part of something. What drew me down to Wellington was the sense of community. I love that the roleplaying community here is so in touch with each other. In some ways it feels like a large (slightly dysfunctional) family. I like that.

But I want to be a part of my own "family." That problem is still not being solved. Now I'm about to tackle a business that is even more isolated. Me, a computer and that's it.

I wish I didn't have some of these feelings that are filling me with doubt.

And I wish I could fall for someone who was actually going to fall for me too. I seem to make that mistake a lot. Falling for someone who wont return those feelings or will use my affection to their advantage...

Not really depressed right now, just feeling... tired.

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: The Reality Dysfunction/GURPS 4e
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood: Still thinking about things...

Review Time: The 4400

My latest trade was for the first and second seasons of The 4400. This series made quite a splash in the states, just prior to Lost, and has enjoyed consistently high ratings over three seasons. Originally a mini-series, The 4400 ended up being so popular it managed to score a second season of 13 episodes.

What makes The 4400 such a cool show is how it manages to have the weird mystery element that keeps people turning to Lost, the complex "Big Picture" idea unfolding, and that missing element that Lost needs - well-paced progression.

What took Lost 26 episodes to get to, 4400 manages to do in six.

The basic premise of The 4400 is as follows:

When a comet that is meant to go on a flyby of Earth changes course and heads towards the planet, the world goes into a bit of a panic. Slowing down, the comet reveals itself to be a glowing ball of light, which lands at a lakeside outside of Seattle. The light vanishes, leaving behind 4400 people who had gone missing over the last sixty years.

These "Returnees" at first are welcomed back until the National Security force realises that some of them have been returned ... changed.

Tom Baldwin, an NTAC agent whose son was there when one of the 4400 was originally abducted and went into a coma because of it, is teamed up with Diana Skouris - an ex-CDC agent who has now joined NTAC. They are tasked with learning the truth behind the 4400, while Tom secretly hopes to find out what happened to his nephew (one of the 4400) and his comatose son.

From that premise, the 4400 manages to expand out into a very complex and intriguing storyline. The characters are well thought-out and the choice of camera work (reminiscent of Collateral's style) makes everything look that little bit more gritty.

One of the first secrets you learn in the pilot episode is that some of the 4400 seem to have innate powers. Suddenly what at first appears to be an x-files rip-off becomes a gritty supers series. Then, just when you are getting comfortable with the "super of the week" feel of the series, they drop a bombshell of a revelation on you. This revelation then changes the course of the series.

And that is probably 4400's greatest strength. The creators are not afraid to change the world. The series is in constant progession. To date every episode has pushed the storyline along and some new revelation has helped to slowly reveal a bigger picture.

When I first watched this show I thought it seemed a bit patchy - but having watched it all now, I can see that it is a very clever show that is leading somewhere. It manages to avoid being cliched - despite having many cliched tropes (the creepy girl, the spooky baby, The Messiah-complex guy...) it does these well and uses them as sign posts for the viewers - cues to let you know where the show is going without spoiling any of the surprises as it moves along.

All in all, this is one fantastic series.

Two thumbs up!

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: The Reality Dysfunction
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood: Still thinking about things in general...

Visitors, Magic 8-Balls and Uncertainty

This has turned into quite a hectic week. Firstly, my friend Piotrek has been down from Auckland. We went to Scopa last night for dinner - mmmm Scopa does the best Italian pizzas in town - and had a great time, even though our waitress seemed to be operating in uber-bitch mode. (She kept ignoring us, which got Piotrek pretty annoyed - Scopa isn't exactly the biggest restaurant, y'know.)

Then my friend Wayne is down tonight and wants to catch up.

But last night I then got a call from Sridat saying he's going to be in town and wanting to know if he could crash at our place. Wow!

Well, we really aren't set up at home to take any unexpected boarders right now - and I'm going to have to try and juggle hanging out with Sridat and Wayne with my Anime evenings with Emile (which I always look forward to) and work.

Also, while I was at work I looked at our new Magic 8-Balls - they are fun. Apparently I'm going to be meeting someone soon who will turn out to be my boyfriend and it is someone I already know.

The humour lay in what the magic 8-ball then claimed. I'll leave it open to speculation what a random die that says 20 versions of yes, no and maybe ended up saying. :D

What tickled me most was how it seemed to know what I've been thinking recently. heheehee.

I also played some other games with it - apparently it didn't think too highly of my boss. lol.

There is something I am feeling uncertain about, but I don't really want to talk about it here. Which really doesn't help, I know. :)

There is something on my mind that I wish I could talk to certain people about - but I'm not really in the position to do that.

Enigmatic, much? :D

Maybe I'll post an update tomorrow.

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: The Reality Dysfunction
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood: Trying to make a decision or two...

Frightening Prospects

Well I did it. I resigned.

Of course I gave about five weeks notice and as long as I behave myself, I will be leaving on good terms. Despite all the stress, I recognise that the main reason I'm leaving is so that I can focus on building up ESG to the point where it can support me.

Scary stuff.

I chatted with my boss and he agreed that I would be better served taking a part-time job that didn't clash with my business interests. He also mentioned that there will always be a position with them for me if I wanted it back. Which made me feel good to know that this risky venture I'm taking has a net to fall back on that doesn't involve me moving all the way back to Auckland. :)

I love Wellington, I don't want to move away if I can avoid it.

So that's one issue down, a few more to go. :D

My printer guy is finally on target - I will have books on my doorstep according to him by tomorrow. Maybe even by this evening. (Fingers crossed)

In other positive news, we may have sorted out the flatmate issue. I guess the idea that if you follow the right path the universe opens the way may indeed hold true.

So that leaves the big question - with ESG now lined up to get more attention from me, printing to be increasing to help with financial growth and flatmate issues resolved... it leaves a question of how do I take the next step up Maslow's Hierarchy of needs. lol.

Love. Hmmmm. Definitely the most difficult challenge of the lot.

I keep worrying that I'm never going to be satisfied with anyone. But that's not true. There are people out there that I would have been happy to be with - heck I've talked about them enough.

So it comes down to finding out who would be happy to be with someone like me? I think this is the problem for many of us who have trouble finding love. We tend to be drawn to people who aren't drawn to us. It's a hard thing to resolve because no one is to blame - it's just all unfortunate attraction.

The worst bit is when you do like someone, think they might like you and then facing the prospect that you have to make the first move.

That's a really scary step to make. Especially if you find out that they weren't signalling interest, that you had read more into their actions because of your own attraction and hope that they might like you.

Take, for example, the cute guy at the internet cafe. Over the last few months I've been coming in here regularly and smiling and talking to him. He remembered my login id, I just come up and say that I want to put money on my account and he didn't even ask which account it was.

Now I have never told him my name, but he has remembered it from my account - because the other day I walked past and he just said "Seeya Conan."

That caught me a bit by surprise - because he usually is quite staunch and stoic.

Today he said hi to me and we exchanged a couple of little pleasantries.

Now it would be easy to make the mistake that he might be signalling interest - after all he doesn't do that for all account holders. Even regulars.

BUT I have been making an effort to talk to him. It's good business practice to build relationships between business and customers.

*sigh*

Not mention that I'm certain I've seen him with his girlfriend. (I assume she was. :D)

So what's the point? Well that it is very very difficult to tell someone you like them because of the risks involved. Doubly so when you aren't even sure of their sexuality and how they will respond.

Shame really. :D I feel kind of sad at the moment, but not depressed. I have too much else that is going on to wallow in my singlehood. :)

Still... it would be nice to have someone who can be a partner-in-crime with me...

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: The Reality Dysfunction (Not that I've read any more recently... :D )
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood: Scared witless about my future, but oddly calm and good about it at the same time.

Kiss and Tell

A lot is building up at the moment. There is increasing pressure at work for me to leave - nothing major, but B. is wanting to resign today (if she shows up) and she was asking me if I was going to be resigning today as well. Another wave of resignations is in process with one of the new full-timers heading off now too.

I'm realising that if I want to find another job, I need to get my resignation in now as the owners will be going to Thailand on holiday in about two weeks and then wont be back until the beginning of October.

So I need to think about when I want to leave. I could leave the week before they get back - which allows me to attend Megaroleplaying Weekend and still have the Monday to recover from it. :D

But that might cause problems with the owners, and it would look really good if I offer to work the week they get back, just so that they don't come home to have to stress about hiring new full-timers and being seriously short-staffed. (Chances are that with B. and I leaving, Emile and T. will also resign.)

Further, I'm really scared about leaping without any confirmed income. ESG is simply not generating enough sales to justify it. Unless the boardgaming community got wind of it and started ordering today, I don't think that I can count on ESG to pay my bills. Luckily I ought to get enough in holiday pay to pay a month worth of rent - which effectively gives me 8 weeks to find a job. So I shouldn't need to stress too much.

Now on to what I was going to talk about today...

Kissing.

Izzy told us yesterday how she was waiting at a bus-stop on Saturday night when this (rather drunken) girl walked over said "you are so beautiful!" And then promptly pashed her full on the mouth - apparently tongue and all.

This got me thinking. How often is it that you see someone and you just have to fight the urge to kiss them?

Why is kissing such a good thing? Is there a scientific reason behind it? (One would assume that science has an answer.)

According to Wikipedia it is a learned response that is part of grooming. (!?)

I've had the urge to kiss some people in my time. Not that I've acted on it. But I have to admit, I like kissing. It's fun, and interesting how no two people seem to kiss the same way. Ever notice that?

Some people seem to treat it like a wrestling competition, others explore and yet others seem to almost go for the hint of a kiss more than an actual pash.

I can't think of anything more intimate than kissing. Sure, sex is a pretty intimate thing, but kissing is something you rarely do with someone you don't like.

Emile was talking to me yesterday, and Emoboy came up briefly in conversation (that's Kev, the guy I dated briefly earlier on in the year) and he asked me if I'd been on a date recently.

I pointed out that the closest thing I've had to a date recently has been going to the movies with him, Panda_pitt and Fraser_by_Proxy. Now I feel it is pretty safe to say, none of those were what I would really classify as dates. Because, well, dating is something very different from hanging out at the movies with friends.

Then, in his usual teasy ambiguous way, Emile said that Snakes on Plane could be called a date if I wanted to. I pointed out that calling it a date didn't make it a date - then we had to get back to work while I fumbled around trying to explain why I didn't call it a date. (For the record again, Emile is straight and has a girlfriend. I realise that some people reading this blog could get the SERIOUSLY wrong picture of events.)

Which did get me thinking - what makes a date, well, a date? Emile seemed to think that it is when you go out with someone with the intention of possibly scoring afterwards. But I don't agree.

Because you can still go on dates after you've "scored" with that person. Also, you can end up dating without scoring.

I tried to explain that dating is when you spend time with someone you really like and want to know them better - but then that kind of made Emile and I's movie nights sound like dates.

So I ended up fumbling around not really doing a good job at making myself sound rational rather than some loopy guy. :D

I guess it depends on a whole series of things. Anyway, it's only a date if both people think it's a date. There. That works. :)

The upshot of all this is that I really miss kissing - as it has been over a year since I've snogged anyone. Yes. I've dated down here - but all the dates I've been on have been... well... unsuccessful events.

Which isn't to say that I just want to end up kissing just anyone. Again we come to that thing of me wanting to meet someone I care about. There are people I do care about down here, but no-one who is likely to be a potential partner.

I like the idea of being able to go out with someone, hang out at home, kiss, hug - think about our lives together. I want to live with someone who I care about. But I need to date first, build up a relationship...

So much to deal with, isn't it. A business, possibly leaving my current job, finding someone, dealing with a flatmate moving out, needing to find a new flatmate, run a game on Mondays, possibly plan a LARP... not to mention all these other thoughts plaguing me.

It would just be nice to sort at least one of these things out.

I know which I'd prefer to have sorted out first... :)

Anyway, catch y'all later!

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: The Reality Dysfunction
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood:Feeling rather thoughtful...
(Thoughtful Menchi)

Harmony, The Universe and Love

Well this has been a continued consideration for me. Previously I rambled on a bit about some of my more deeply held beliefs - somehow managing to avoid committing too much to stating them, but talking enough to see if anyone who knew what I was on about would catch on.

I'm not quite sure where to begin here. I was going to talk about evil, good, sin and virtue - but I'm not really certain about what I want to say. Some of this stuff involves deeply held idea of my own that I'm not too sure that I'm willing to discuss on such a public forum.

I want to talk about harmony, the universe and how it plays into my view of the world. But I'm not 100% sure where to begin without sounding trite about it.

Then, of course, there is my silly obsession with love. (Okay, okay, I'm a fan of Moulin Rouge.)

Harmony

As I mentioned previously, I think the key to improving the world isn't going to lie in making everyone happy all the time. This is simply impossible to do. Due to the transience of physical existence, we will always know despair and sorrow while we live in this universe.

But that doesn't mean we need to give in to it. That is what Harmony is about. Acceptance. There is evil, there is pain. By accepting that and realising that we can gain control over the ebb and flow of such things so that they lead to the better things in life.

What this also means is that we shouldn't go around spreading such actions. The Universe challenges us to do good. The world has enough darkness in it without conscious, rational addition of more pain.

Harmony seeks to find a balance. This is not a new philosophy either. Buddhism, Taoism even the Ancient Egyptian ideal of Ma'at contain elements of this idea.

Note that Harmony doesn't mean becoming a Luddite either. Technology and development can be in Harmony too. Consider how our solar system is designed to provide all the resources to allow us to expand, but by fighting nature and unity we squander the resources we have at our feet.

Clever use of the Earth's resources alongside technological development can allow us the ability to reach beyond Earth. But until we sort things out at home - how can we hope to take to the stars?

The Universe

Herein lies an idea that I am still considering. The Universe is one organism. It isn't built with organs and cells so much as energy. We are all part of that organism. The Universe is much like the idea of the China Brain. The sum total of all consciousness gives rise to the Universe having desires and consciousness.

Maybe there are Gods, beings that are more aware of how the Universe operates and thus are able to exploit that knowledge. I'm not sure.

But at the core of it is the idea that the Universe moves towards Harmony, and it pushes us in that direction too. This is at the core of Taoist ideals - that if you ride the flow of the universe rather than fight it, then things have a habit of working out.

I have seen this proven enough times to believe it now.

Suffering is transient. Harmony is eternal. Maybe Harmony really is the Void of buddhism. The nothingness that is without pain and suffering.

Or maybe Harmony is balance - not a void, but everything in perfect harmonic flow. Maybe the universe moves like a pendulum until it reaches harmonic balance, before something pushes it out again.

Or maybe I'm getting a little too Woodstock/60s hippy thinking here.

Again, this isn't a perfect representation of my beliefs. Yet I do feel that there is something to the idea of a harmonic universe.

Love

So what is love?

The desire to become a part of the universe through seeing it with another's eyes? Attraction for procreation?

I think love is many layered. It is an affection for those people you want to keep in your life. True love is the desire to share life with another person - to become a part of their world and be there for them.

It can be expressed in so many multitudinous ways too.

Why all this quasi-crazy talk?

Because I don't think we discuss these kinds of things enough. We accept dated views of our world often enough. There are wars fought over such things as God and Allah, and who is right.

But it seems to me that in the end, we often are talking about the same thing but using other peoples ideas rather than thinking of some of our own. Our world is seriously out of balance at the moment. Driven by the fact that most people are refusing to accept that there can be other ways of looking at the same thing.

Maybe I just need to chill out more. :D


Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading:The Reality Dysfunction
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood: Not too bad. Just thinking about stuff.

Every man and his dog

Wow. So my site has been active since Saturday, and there have been near to 1000 unique sessions. That means a reasonably large number of people are checking out the site. :D Woot!

I'm certain that if I'd put up credit card facilities there would be more actual sales - but I'm simply not financially set up to do it yet. Credit cards are ludicrously expensive - and what many people don't realise is that companies that accept credit cards are gambling on large numbers of sales to cover the sizeable profit loss. It costs the average retailer 5-6% of their profit margin for each sale! When you're profit margins are already pretty low, that's a sizeable amount to lose out on.

And that isn't even counting the monthly account fees or the set-up fee. Then there is the security certificate fee - which also takes a cut of each credit card sale.

Yet another thing I've noticed is the number of web design experts out there who can't agree on anything. I have receieved a number of critiques of my website from these guys often contradicting each other. Some of the comments have actually helped me solidify what I want from the site and what I don't. Oddly the best suggestions came from average people who simply surf the net alot. Most of the useless to unhelpful comments came from guys trying to get me to hire them to do the site.

What these people don't seem to click on to is that my current developer/coder is hosting and designing the site for free in his spare time out of the goodness of his heart! So until one of those "experts" is willing to provide better for free, they can just shut the hell up, really.

Right now I need positive feedback - like the people who said that they would like to see commentary options on products. Or that they would like to have non-java options.

(Something that infuriates me is how some people think they can berate me for wanting a Java menu. Many shopping sites use it without problems. I have no issue with being asked for non-java. But saying to me that it is bad or that my developer is obviously a first-time webdesigner (especially when he not only does it for a career, but is paid very well for it) is plain insulting. Remember what they say about the word assume...)

So needless to say, I'm both excited and upset at the same time. Yes, the site isn't perfect. But given that it is a volunteer job that has to be done outside of working hours, I think it is pretty fricken awesome. :)

I still worry that I'm not going to get enough sales - I only have one order at the moment. Considering the sizeable order that will be coming in, and I was banking on people actually buying stock, it is a bit worrying. But it is early days yet, and there is still a good chance that things will get sorted out.

Now that my printer guy is back in action, I'm hoping that the PDF printing service will help generate enough capital to help reach that target $3000 in sales for the month. I'm realising it would have made my life a lot easier if I HAD bought an accounting program when I started up - but things aren't so bad that I can't get onto that once the business is underway.

In other news, I'm still thinking about relationships. It has been a bit difficult recently, I keep worrying that I'm too intense. I also worry that some of this is bleeding over into my friendships. I sometimes think I freak people out with my affection.

Silly, I know, but it does concern me. I don't want to have friends feeling uncomfortable around me. Yeah, I think a lot about this kind of crazy stuff.

See, that is part of the reason I'd like to go to the gym - it's a chance to socialise with people. I keep remembering how I met this guy Rob up at the gym in Auckland. We really we hitting it off - then I ended up deciding to move down here.

Of course nothing had convinced me that Rob was interested in anything other than friendship - hence he wasn't really reason enough to keep me up in Auckland.

Wow- this has turned into quite a long post. :D

So here is the big question of the day. Is there anyone that Conan is interested in down here?

Hmmmmm. In all honesty, there are some people that have a lot of the traits I find attractive. But no. Due to the lack of eligible and available prospects - there isn't really anyone out there at the moment. Not in my immediate social circles.

Shame really.

Anyway - hope you all have a good day! :D I'm determined to make the best of mine. ;)

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: The Reality Dysfunction
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood: Feeling pretty good, and optimistic

It's here!

So it's official! I have started the Evin Shir Games website. I've spent the weekend working on improving the layout of the catalogue, and hopefully I will get a number of sales before the end of the week. It is going to become exciting to see if this idea actually pays off. :D

Check it out!

In other news, hung out again with Emile and watched some Last Exile and Samurai 7. I finished watching Ghost in the Shell: Stand-alone Complex. It was AWESOME! Definitely ranking as one of the best anime I have seen in a long time.

Panda_pitt is currently here creating his character for tomorrow's Exalted game. It's kind of funny sitting here listening to him talking to himself about his plans for his character. :D

So what else is there for me to update on. I was initially going to continue on my Harmony range of thoughts - but the general impression I sense is that most people didn't really know what to make of it all. :) Maybe I'll tackle it again later.

Right now I'm kind of in an odd state of mind. Much of what I've been talking about the last couple of weeks remains relevant. I'm still in a relationships state of mind. Or more accurately I'm kind of wanting someone to take on dates and do nice things for. At the moment I've been helping out friends - and that's all nice - but I'm really still in that point where I feel the need for someone to be closer to me.

I'm trying to figure out what I can do for myself to help get a little more confident. I have a bit of a body-image issue at the moment. But I can't make myself workout at home. I kind of need to join a gym again - but I don't earn enough where I'm at.

Hmmmm.

I guess I need to keep hoping that I either find a job or ESG becomes busy enough to pay my wages. :)

We'll have to wait and see which it turns out to be. :D

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: The Reality Dysfunction
Currently Playing: Exalted: The Seventh Legion
Mood: Introspective, but feeling good. :)