Updates and Shadows

Yep, it has been a while since I last posted on here. I have had a very busy and tiring week. Emotionally and spiritually I'm feeling particularly drained - with my body beginning to follow suit.

ESG is at a bit of a speed bump at the moment, and I'm hoping to get over that in the near future - but it is proving a difficult challenge in and of itself. I spent most of the week running around in circles trying to figure out what I need to do so that I can get on track with the business. I realise that I probably underestimated the start-up capital I needed, but it isn't so bad as to give up just yet.

I certainly am not in the position of owing people lots of money - which is a good thing. :)

I bumped into Alex today.

In the state I'm currently in, that was a bit of a shock to the system. I had no idea he was going to be in town. I had actually thought it would be a good few months before I saw him again.

Furthermore, it was a pure "by chance" encounter. The reason I put those words in quotations is because Alex and I have a bit of a history of "by chance" encounters when we are keeping our distance. Serendipity seems to follow us.

This had all the hallmarks of one of those moments. I move a hundred kilometres away and still we accidently bump into each other in the middle of the street.


Previously, we have bumped into each other in cafes, had a misdirected e-mail end up in my letterbox, had a phone call out of the blue, been assigned to the same jury duty on the same day - once or twice it could have been just either myself or him subconsciously working to bring us back into each other's orbits. But it has happened enough times now to make me a tad supersticious about the whole deal.

Now a chance encounter with Stephanie and Taryn on Cuba Mall can be added to the list. I was walking down from Real Groovy and saw Stephanie with some friends - realised it was her and Taryn - I waved and said hi and was about to move on when I realised who the third person was. Alex.

I was stunned and my brain was scrambling to make sense of it all. Stephanie kept on walking pushing for them to go - I barely got to talk to him, to find out what the hell he was doing in Wellington.

No prizes to the people who realised how I felt afterwards. I panicked and tried to figure out what the hell to do - I was feeling like I'd been punched in the gut. It was hard to think of who to go to. I could have walked to work and talked to Emile, I could have called... who? I don't really have that many friends here that I feel comfortable talking about Alex with. So I called my brother and had a talk with someone who didn't need to say nice things to me.

He doesn't particularly think highly of Alex, but he's a pragmatic kind of guy and helped me calm down. I need to be able to rational about these things.

It hurts to realise that these feelings haven't died or gone away.

So I'm sitting at home feeling particularly lonely. I could go to the webcomic party - but Kandallah is such a stretch for me to go to without a plan for how to get home and I have work tomorrow morning, so I can't crash there.

I feel...

Trapped? A failure?

I'm not sure. I don't feel too negative, more melancholy and lonely. I know that I am feeling love lost. I'm also feeling like I am not going to find anyone who will make me feel okay to be who I am. Every guy I have met hasn't seen me for who I am, or accepted that. I'm not going to change who I am for someone else - I am a good guy. I'm not expecting someone to fit into any category for me.

I want to be with a guy that I accept - flaws and all - and hope for that in return.

But shadows draw nearer now. I am getting a feeling that I haven't had in a long time - that something is coming to a culmination. Maybe I'm being paranoid.

Maybe I need to be loved by someone who is willing to show me that I'm right. That love isn't about sex or looks but how you feel for someone.

Maybe there is someone out there who would be happy being with me and who I actually feel the same for in return.

Is there such a thing as fate? Is there such a thing as a soulmate? Or am I living a naive fantasy to protect myself from having to be intimate with anybody?

Conan

Currently Reading: Nothing
Currently Playing: Exalted
Mood:Alone

Websites and planning

I've started working on the ESG website. It's going to be a hard job - just in all the different pages that need to be written out and then I need to go back over it and figure out the changes. Emile has kindly offered to look over it and help out with the design aspects (Colours, use of logos and pictures) while Richard is helping with the technicals.

More costs are piling up though, which is a bit stressful. I need to buy a router at some point today. I still have the cost of the credit card account to consider and then the shipment itself. Unfortunately too many people are being oddly retiscent about coming and asking me for products or ordering. They all seem to want to sit on things.

On the bright side, I am setting up some exciting features on the ESG site including a system to allow people to order P.O.D. books of their PDFs. That is, I can produce perfect bound copies of their PDFs for usually around $20. (Assuming a 200 page book.)

More details will be coming soon. All in all, there is the possibility that ESG is going to expand quite nicely. :D

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Rules to Cleopatra & the Society of Architects
Currently Playing: The Grand Experiment; Exalted
Mood: Pretty good, actually...

We are all related...

So according to the Dominion Post on Monday we all share a single ancestor barely 2000 years in our pasts. While many people scoff this, it doesn't seem all that surprising. Considering that every cell in our bodies shares a single beginning cell, it seems somewhat logical.

But what amazes me is the level people will go to deny the greater implication of this discovery. That the concept of "race" is further negated. It is of some small amusement to me that the more humanity tries to classify the world into different things for ease of understanding, the more they are finding that everything is linked together.

The reason we tend to classify things is because it makes it easier to relate and work with them. Yet for some reason a lot of people have trouble then re-integrating those parts back into a cohesive whole.

But I digress. The thing that astounds me is that we treat each other as strangers, that we have systems actually devised to seperate each other and to provide some flawed view of equity that places certain people in positions of greater influence than others.

I'm kind of uncertain how to best describe all this. I've mentioned before about people deliberately looking for ways to dispute even the most rational of views.

My big question really is - why does the idea of everyone being the same scare people so much? We're not talking the Borg here - we are all unique in a way. But we are all equally unique. We are all related to each other and the idea that some people are inherently better than others is a lie.

People lay claim to religion, politics and even science to justify their attitudes. I'm not saying we have to all like each other. But there is no justification that would hold up from the perspective of the Universe itself. Consider this discovery a gentle reminder that humanity needs to get over itself.

Wow - that's a pretty bold thing for me to say. But I'm going to come out and say it again. Because I am sick and tired of reading about people tormenting the unwilling, killing others for all sorts of stupid reasons, and generally making there be all manner of suffering.

It has been said that we will not see sufficient change in a single lifetime. Bollocks. Yes, change is difficult and scary. Yes, it takes a lot of work and effort.

But if you want it, it will happen.

The reason there is pain and suffering in this world is because so many people have convinced themselves that they can't change the world. That they can't have a better life. And because some people who want to keep you down promote that idea. Not in a conspiracy - it doesn't need to be that organised. It has just taken millennia for us to get that complacent.

There is enough pain and suffering in the world due to natural disasters, disease and the like - why do humans need to keep adding to that? They don't.

There is enough killing from those who are mentally unstable and emotionally detached - if we spent less time thinking of ways to deny our equality, less time coming up with news ways to torture and kill, then we'd probably be able to solve many of those other issues with more efficiency.

We could improve education, health and maybe even realise a new economic system. The potential for human endeavour has been consistently proven to be near limitless. But we keep convincing ourselves that it must take generations. But with patience, compassion and a true commitment from humanity to have a better world - we could do it in a single generation. The problem is that some people don't want to believe in such a world because they think in typical slippery slope ideas.

Resources? We have enough resources on earth to tap into the larger levels of resources available in our solar system. We waste those resources on wars and financial competitiveness..

Politics? Much of politics is based on the idea of bloodlines - however all 6.5 billion of us have been shown to all come from the same bloodline. So it becomes pointless to claim that our differences are insurmountable - we choose to accept our culture and differences. No one is saying we have to agree on every little detail. There is room for muslims, christians, atheists and others. There is room for different nations, different social cultures. This is the point that so many people seem to have trouble with - yes, most cultures will need to change their views on some things, but change is not synonymous with destruction.

It is about accepting the common ground and building a world that is in harmony, not dissonance.

The good news is that it isn't too late to start this change, and we all can do our bit to help. Just treating people in our own lives with some respect and tolerance builds the likelihood. One day, maybe, the world as a whole will snap out of it and we'll see change occur much faster...

Here's hoping.

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: nothing
Currently Playing: The Grand Experiment; Exalted
Mood: Feeling muy philosophical...

Deals and Plans

Well it is slow going, but things are still on the up and up with ESG. I'm currently working on a deal that will be quite lucrative if it works out. So everyone with PDFs should keep an eye on this space. :D

I'm still in a bit of a strange place emotionally. I've been haunted by strange dreams involving people I know and have known. A lot of anxiety dreams about gaming and where I'm heading from here. Most concerning is the relationship front.

E. and I were chatting yesterday and he said to me "you really do want to have someone to date, don't you." Which I confirmed. But it is proving to be really difficult. It is frustrating to know that there could be the ideal person out there for me, and I'm just not meeting him.

I'm not really sure where to go or what to do now. *sigh*

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Nothing
Currently Playing: The Grand Experiment;Exalted
Mood: Kind of lonely and a little worried about business...

And it's another day in the office...

So I'm still a little doubtful about whether I made the right decision to take on full-time work. Running ESG has been slow going, and I'm realising that working full-time where I only get Friday and Saturday off is actually preventing me from working on developing my own business rather than helping it.

That's a frustrating place to be.

So what do I do? I have to give one month's notice if I want to leave - so I can't return to a university lifestyle, not that I particularly want to. I can't really just live off the takings from ESG - they are simply non-existant.

Thus I am pursuing some routes out, but nothing has eventuated just yet. It is a bit stressful. Again, I come to a case of priorities, and oddly money doesn't top my list. It is important for survival, but I'm still concerned about other things at the moment...

In other news, Smallville is shaping up to be even better than I originally thought it was. The second season is pretty cool.

Here's hoping that everything balances out soon...

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Nothing at the moment
Currently Playing: The Grand Experiment;Exalted
Mood:Considering the options...

Smallville - subtext and charm

For those who have seen me recently, you'll all be aware of my latest guilty pleasure... I have followed the melodrama back in time from Desperate Housewives, through Gilmore Girls to... Smallville.

While it lacks the sparkling wit and tight production of Gilmore Girls, or the sharp cheekiness of Housewives, Smallville does have a special charm all of its own.

The key thing is how it riffs off Dawson's Creek and Roswell while also have the subtextual layers of shows like the Simpsons and Buffy. Things like the teasing gay subtext of Lex and Clark's friendship, for example, which isn't an actual gay relationship - but plays on their friendship in a manner that is akin to the "coming out" scene in X-men 2. It uses a different context to subtlely play on the subtext of the conversations. Initially I thought this was something that people were reading into the show, but the more I watch it the more I begin to realise that it is very likely a deliberate play on dialogue and scripted actions - the number of times that Lex says such things as "Your father is never going to accept me, is he?" is more than a coincidence. The biggest give-away is when Clark is going to the school social and is having trouble with his bow-tie. Lex walks in and helps him out in a manner that appears to be deliberately played to have a subtle subtext.

But all that aside, I think it really is the almost innocent charm of the show. The way that it has the balls to make Clark the real man and Superman a facade that Clark Kent takes on in later life. Unlike the "greater than thou" good guy attitude that Superman tends to be written with, Clark is a likeable, naive and even slightly goofy farmboy with superpowers. He wants to do the right thing, but he isn't infallible. This is a man of steel you can't help but like.

And the cast are quite convincing. Sure, some of the cast are a bit flat (Sam Jones III, I'm looking at you...) but for the majority they are all fun people. Lex Luthor is a sympathetic villain in training - we see he can be noble and good, but also cruel and opportunistic. Clark (Tom Welling) is sometimes a little wooden, but often played with such a convincing naivete and innocence that I find impressive. The Kents are believeable good-guy parents and I find most of the cast really relish their roles and fill them with a three-dimensionality that is often lacking in this kind of series.

But it is all in the subtleties. The little looks and expression changes that show how the characters are experiencing more than just the events in a given scene. How Cloe is able to show in the way she talks to Clark the various emotions that we see develop over the season, how Lana is able to show her growing affection for Clark in the way she *doesn't* tell him.

Part of this comes from the directing and part from the performances.

Heh, I'm making it sound like this show is one of the best things on TV - it is cheesy, make no mistake. But like I said - it's the layers to the show that make it shine for me. Even with the terribly hokey plots it still manages to be such a likeable show. :)

So check it out and get over your Superman envy/hate - this is not your parents Clark Kent. It is something of its own, and I hope that it manages to keep up with that. :)

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Runaways Vol.2
Currently Playing: The Grand Experiment;Exalted
Mood: Feeling good

It's so cold outside...

Yesterday I went out and did what had to be done - I bought a jumper and jacket to keep warm. Now I'm going to have to save up and get a heater for my room. Brrrrr. Winter is a bitch! :)

Went out with Kevin last night, our usual cafe catch-up. I've pretty much decided that while he's cool to hang out with, I'm not interested in pursuing things beyond that. But at least I'm not getting depressed about being single or anything like that. :)

I kind of had a strange moment the other week where I was asking myself, am I just avoiding an actual relationship? It's not really true, but I do think that I have tired of the chase, so to speak. Which means I am getting to that position where I just will accept that I will be single for the rest of my life - I'm approaching the point where it isn't worth the effort any more.

Guys just have majorly unrealistic expectations. I think about what I expect - I want someone who I can have a real conversation with, and who isn't too ugly to look at. Someone who makes me feel a "zing" eventually. I've met guys who have done this and who weren't hyper attractive or particularly successful - people who have met Alex can attest to this. ;)

But why is it that all the guys I do meet seem to have set impossible targets. Apparently to even be considered I have to be successful, goal-oriented, gym-fit, have all my hair on my head and no hair on my body, possibly rich, funny, serious, masculine, but mad about sex all the time, kinky, but not into anything too kinky, either ten years younger, or eighteen.

And then I look at what women want- and it's all the same. What has happened to our culture when people no longer look for simpler things in a partner. People are no longer looking for partners for emotional reasons, it seems to be more about sex and money.

I should just become a monk and save myself the stress.

It is a tough world when the kind of places that I could have met someone tend to be full of the overly flamboyant, and I keep thinking that somewhere out there is someone who is my perfect match - and he's never going to meet me.

And sometimes. Just sometimes. I still wish that Alex would come around. Even though that will never happen.

I have been fighting the urge to text him all week. But what would I say that wouldn't be a lie. I just want to text "I love you. Move down here and I will make you happier than you have ever been." But what use is that? He's in a happy relationship.

*sigh*

I need to meet someone who is more like me. I need to heal this broken heart and I need to be able to move on.

In regards to the business... it is going well, but I'm playing things too cautiously. I'm waiting for this roleplaying stock to show up, and so many people are subtly giving me the impression that they don't expect me to succeed. Sometimes I feel that things are weighing up against me, and I'm having trouble distinguishing my own concerns from the reality.

If this wasn't a good idea - what was? Where am I supposed to be? I'm 31 and I should have my life more together than this. It is just feeling like I'm continuing to screw things up. :(

I know, sounds worse than it is. I'm not depressed - kind of weary instead. I'm just very tired of feeling like people are telling me that it's my problem and to deal with it on my own. But I'm not sure that I can anymore. I'm just so tired and confused and scared.

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading:
Currently Playing: The Great Experiment;Exalted
Mood: Concerned about the future

Nerves before a performance

So I'm prepping to go and print out some catalogues for the business. Tonight is the first real serious release of the Evinshir logo and business. I have to give thanks to Nick C. for his help in creating a decent logo for the business. I think you will all agree that it does look sufficiently sexy. :D

I'm back to normal now after the weekend- still a little apprehensive... I just can't shake that whole fate moving in mysterious ways vibe that haunting me at the moment.

In other news - GEEZ it's cold! I may just look at overcoats while I'm in town today - not that I can actually afford one just yet, but at least I can see them. :)

In the interim, I still haven't heard what the story is with Green Ronin for the business - I suspect that they are too wrapped up with Origins and the like to actually be dealing with overseas orders - but here's hoping it all gets fixed soon.

Anyhoop. Not much else for me to add at the moment... catch y'all later!

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Iron Kingdoms Character Guide
Currently Playing: Exalted
Mood: Feeling content with the universe

Ahhh the see-saw of life...

So alot has happened this weekend already.

The Business is slowly building up, I have to remember to not take everyone's advice on board - as a lot of people tend to suddenly think their marketing experts and offer differing viewpoints. Wow. I had so many people in the last few days give me conflicting opinions. lol.

Yesterday saw Alex in town. He's been down since Thursday and heads back home to Auckland tonight.

We arranged to meet on Saturday after work, and it was a very nervous Conan on Saturday. This was the test, really, to see if I was truly over him. To help calm my nerves I got myself a little treat to make me feel more positive generally.

Alex showed up at work early due to a booking conflict, and I was a little surprised - he's put on a lot of weight. Which isn't to say he's fat, but to say he used to be scrawnier. So my first thoughts were "yes, I don't really feel anything. Just happy to see a friend."

We hung out after I finished work, and I realised I still didn't like hearing about his partner, Ben. It just bugged me somehow to hear Ben's name and such.

Then we went to Nick and Nasia's to get a lift over to Paul's party.

Paul's party was actually pretty cool. He's got some very cool friends - and some odd ones. I met a few people there, but I think that Dan is going to be in my memory for a long time. If you thought J-rod was trouble, him and Dan are like the most disturbing people I have met. And yet a lot of fun too.

Unfortunately, I found that my feelings for Alex haven't diminished. I was able to hold them in check most of the night, and I didn't end up confronting him over it. But when Jarrod said "you two make such a cute couple. Were you an item once?" And I pointed out no, we weren't - then he said "why not, you should have been." Well, I think I managed to pretend to be calm about it and joke it off. But really, I wasn't sure what to do. Because I really *did* want it to be true.

It's really difficult to tell if I love him because... well... I love him. Or if I was just falling into some subconscious pining routine. I tried to be affectionate without being uncomfortably clingy or anything. But deep down...

Sometimes I think he was the last guy I would ever have those kinds of feelings for. Part of me feels that this is just because I don't want to let go, but another part of me realises that I really do love him. He even loves Wellington and wants to move down here - but Ben hates Wellington, and Alex loves Ben enough to stay in Auckland.

And that's the crux of the situation this morning for me. He doesn't love me enough to want to move down to Wellington. I'm always going to be the funny friend who runs the great roleplaying games. Which is fine if I didn't feel like this so much.

I can be honest now, I moved down here to get away from those feelings. But it is true the old saying, you can't run away from yourself. Wellington *is* where I am meant to be. I'm happier here, and I love the city. I always have. But that part of me that I wanted to leave in Auckland - the weak Conan who just would walk through fire for the person he loved... hasn't gone away.

So what do I do?

Do I just keep hoping that if I don't see him and pretend that I don't think about him every day, that one day it will become true? I'm reminded of the movie, Swingers. Sometimes I feel like the main character in that - pining after someone they left behind, until he finally gets over her. But in that movie he has to meet another woman who is a better match.

I don't think there is anyone who would have been a better match for me.

But I hope I am wrong. Sorry for being such a downer today folks - I'm just realising that I probably wasn't ready to actually see Alex again. It opened old wounds for me. And today I am trapped in a state of "What Ifs"

Best focus on the business. I have miniatures to paint up. Hopefully I can get started today...

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Hordes
Currently Playing: Exalted
Mood: What if?

OMG! Brittany Murphy Sings!

And DAMN she's good! :)

Wow - what a week! Firstly, I have started up the business - Evin Shir Games - which will eventually get a website by the end of this month. Depending on how well sales go. Which, by the way, I made my first one yesterday. Woop! Woop!

I went on a second "date" with Kev - it was okay, but I'm not really attracted. I think we're going to make better friends than anything more. He's convinced that I am going end up with E. from work. LOL.

I'm not - although at our work meeting, I just kept wanting to give E. BIG HUGS! Go figure.

So single life remains a constant situation. But at least I"m finally moving forward in life with some actual purpose. Namely the business. (BTW, anyone who is free Sunday, Monday (before 2pm) or Tuesday day to help me out with some miniature painting should drop me al ine. You know how to.)

Yep - all looking promising. I also went and saw the Da Vinci Code - it wasn't brilliant, and was VERY predictable. But I liked it more than X-Men III. I guess because I was expecting so much less from DVC. :)

Also saw Slither - which is quite cool, funny and entertaining. It was cool to see a stereotypical alien-invasion type movie which kept taking nifty little twists to keep you on your toes.

So that's everything at the moment - catch y'all later!

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Iron Kingdoms Character Guide
Currently Playing: Exalted
Mood: Excited, Nervous and Happy!

Less than 24 hours to go...

In less than twenty four hours, I'm about to start on a new adventure. Operating my own business. Today I've been calling freight-forwarding companies and agonising about additional stock lines.

It's a big step, and it is likely to be a challenging exercise. I'm starting off very very small, and it will be difficult to get people to be patient enough to wait for the business to grow, and willing enough to purchase from me. But in the end I'm pretty confident that my knowledge, interest and intuition regarding the industry will help me become a success in this venture.

Currently I'm humming and hawing over Warmachine and Hordes as potential products to stock. Mash argued that I wont be able to compete with experienced wargaming stores, but that's not really my goal with stocking it. I'm not planning on having every item in these lines available, rather I want to be able to hook new players into the games. They can then move on to other stores to get the specific details. In doing so, I hope to accentuate the benefit of both Evin Shir Games and Wargame Supply existing. WS will never be able to take me on in regards to roleplaying games knowledge. I can't even hope to beat them for wargaming knowledge.

The way I see it, WS can act as the core wargaming business with roleplaying games on the side. I'm going to be the business to come to for the specifics and the best deals for roleplaying. I'm already chasing up indie game titles, I will be stocking the upcoming Anima game along with several other hard to track titles. Once the business is generating enough income, I'll be able to focus even more on tracking down rare and out of print RPGS as well.

I want to make Evin Shir Games a community retailer - a company to rely on to get the goods and at a competitive price.

But it is going to take time. I don't have the buying power of many retailers yet. But on the flipside, I don't have their costs, so I can keep prices lower. Sometimes only by $5, but some of my products will be nearly $15-20 cheaper than anywhere else.

I am getting in Ptolus, and intend to have that at a truly competitive and crazy rate. :)

It's an exciting and nerve wracking time for me. But if this works, roleplaying in New Zealand will have a very healthy injection of books - with my contacts we will be at Armageddon, Sci-fi conventions, on the net - within the year, I want ESG to be known across the country as the go-to place for roleplaying. And I want to be hooking in new players... :D

Here's to the future...

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Exalted 2e
Currently Playing: Exalted
Mood: It's sooo on.

Thoughts for the day

WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY THINKING?!

Okay, so I went to the X-men III screening at Readings around midnight last night/this morning. Because so many people haven't had the chance to see the movie, I will give some of my thoughts in the comments section of this post so that they don't have to suffer the spoilers.

The short summary: Don't go to this film.

I've been gradually puzzling through a number of issues that I'm keen to talk about, but still am not quite at the point of discussing them fully. Part of what I have been thinking about is my place in the universe. About my views on religion and why I dislike the relativist approach to thought and morality. But these are still not formed to a point where I would be willing to take any form of stand about them.

So I'm kind of in a limbo state today - partly (I feel) due to my feelings about XMen III.

I'm also nervous about this business. In less than a week I will be taking action in setting the business up. Then we will see...

Last night I also went on a kind of date. It went reasonably well - but again, I don't feel there is any long-term possibility there. Still, at least with this guy I'm willing to give it a shot and see myself proven wrong.

While we were walking down Cuba street we overheard these girls interviewing pedestrians. They were asking "If you could change one thing in the world to make it better, what would you change?"

The usual Miss World type answers were trotted out, K. (my date) termed that phrase. You know world peace, poverty, family, children - but with no real thought about how those things would effect the world. While we were walking away, K. turned and asked me what my answer would be.

I didn't even stop to think much, I just turned and it popped out of my mouth - Improve how people communicate with each other.

It wouldn't fix the world, but it would be a starting point. Too often we hold back what we think or feel, or when we express these things they get confused and mixed up - creating miscommunication.

If we could better communicate without fear of the wrong impression being made - how much better (or worse) would the world be?

It gives you something to think about.

Of course I need to keep working on this theory before I commit to it - after all, my communication skills are not grade A, otherwise I'd be able to explain my ideas more clearly. :)

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading:Not much at the moment.
Currently Playing: Exalted
Mood: Thoughtful

The Snowball Effect

So my business idea is gathering momentum. A quick chat in the right ears has scored me some very cheap hosting options for the website, and a very cost effective way of dealing with purchases. Once the business is well and truly up and running I can review all of this - but I'm well on my way.

This "snowball effect" relates to some of my personal beliefs. See, whenever I head in the wrong direction fate throws all these barriers in my way. Even if somehting looks easy, it becomes more difficult. On the alternate side, once I find the proper path, the barriers melt away. This week has been like that.

Each step along the way has seen a barrier rise up, only to melt away as I find the next step along the path. Today I found problems in my plans, only to have the answers delivered to me.

The universe provides, I guess. :)

So my roleplaying business concept is well underway. The first order has gone out, and the shipment will arrive in about a month - barring any further problems.

Woop woop! :)

Also, I'm up to season four of Babylon 5 and it is damn cool! :D

Here's hoping things continue along their path... :)

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Wonders of the Lost Age
Currently Playing: Exalted: Stories and Beginnings
Mood: Feeling in touch with the universe...

Lost Wonders, New Doorways

Quite a lot has been going on in the last couple of days for me.

There has been a shift in plans for the business idea I've been working on - I'm going to a smaller sized operation if I am able to raise approximately $3000. But that operation will have the ability to slowly expand and grow.

It will also be devastatingly competitive from the looks of the figures I've seen. :)

I checked out Wargame Supply after reading all the positive and gushing commentary on NZRAG. It's early days yet for the business, but I wasn't that impressed by it. They have a reasonable mix of roleplaying games, although some of their stock is not likely to sell in a hurry and their prices are a bit all over the place. Most notable is how small the section is. Graphic has a bigger roleplaying section and cheaper prices. If they pulled finger and started ordering efficiently, they would be a better option.

Most telling is how WGS is focused on miniatures. Having been in miniature retail before, one thing I learnt is to make sure that you order effectively to ensure sales. You also need to keep a reasonable stock of every item in the line. WGS has a broad range of miniatures - Confrontation looks very cool - but their prices risk putting them out of the market altogether.

Having said all that negative stuff, it is worth stating that they have barely been open a week. Given that the owner has no previous retail experience, it will take time for WGS to learn how to effectively present their business. But roleplayers alone are not going to support a shop like that. Wargamers and boardgamers are going to need to join in.

If anything WGS has convinced me that my business concept for roleplaying retail is the future of the hobby for the next few years. After talking with a couple of people in the industry it is becoming clear to me that for the hobby to have an increase in sales and development, it needs to change its approach.

Which brings me to Indie Press Revolution. While in some respects they are making a good move to consolidate indie publications for sale - they are not helping the growth of those lines. By trying to limit all internet sales to their site, they are making the classic distributor's error - stifling the spread of the product.

By selling only to brick and mortar businesses they limit themselves to local businesses over seas. In New Zealand and to a degree, Australia - most retailers will not even be aware that they exist.

The future of roleplaying lies in spreading the accessibility of the hobby, getting real sales people in behind the product and finding new approaches to selling games. It is naive to think that an inexperienced person who has no interest in the hobby is ever going to be able to sell the product effectively. In my experience roleplayers will just tell you to purchase their personal favourite game. You need to be aware of the entire industry and how it is developing, be able to spot future trends and identify the games that have a potential to sell next year to be a success.

To date, there are very few New Zealand businesses that meet that. In fact, from what I've seen there are very few games stores in the world that actually meet that.

So in the spirit of future trends, here are my predictions:

- Exalted Second Edition will find its feet and continue the growth of White-Wolf's business.
- Promethan: The Created will be more likely to draw old school World of Darkness players back into the fold. It will also bring in a number of new gamers into the line.
- Dungeons and Dragons 4th edition will stay a strong contender, but will lose WoTC precious regular custom.
- OGL businesses will continue to fall by the wayside. The next few years will see a rise in "house system" approaches, possibly more cautious Open Licences for supplements.
- Green Ronin will continue to rise in popularity. They are likely to make a major gaming coup with True 20 within the next five years.
- Fanpro will remain in 3rd or 4th ranking with Shadowrun 4th.
- Unhallowed Metropolis by Eos Press will see a boost in sales, but as to pushing Eos up in the rankings... it will be dependent on the quality of the product.

That's all the crystal ball gazing I'm going to make for now. Of course it is all purely speculation, but with the industry going into a slump at the moment, it will be interesting to see who weathers the hard times.

As for me? I will be making a move into the business within the next two months if all goes to plan. Keep an eye open for some surprising developments in the local scene...

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Wonders of the Lost Age
Currently Playing: Unknown Armies - To Go;Exalted
Mood: Still working on plans and ideas...

Worries, Plans and Hopes

The pressure keeps building. University is pretty much dead in the water for me from the look of things. I'm investigating a number of alternate goals - I need to get back to writing - luckily I have a lot of free time this week so I will be able to take it on.

I'm really worried about my business idea. As those who have talked to me over the last couple of weeks will know, Issie and I have been looking at going into business - but the universe seems determined to throw as many obstacles in our way as possible. Wargames Supply opening up has been a primary source of stress. It is hard to watch someone step in and swipe something you'd hoped to achieve right out from under your feet. It has also been really hard to remain objective about people's excitement about the shop. Because it ends up feeling like a betrayal where there is none occurring.

With our primary investor out for the count, myself in no position to source the cash needed for the idea without sacrificing the whole deal to someone else - it's tough time at the moment. I'm beginning to think it may be better to let it go and try and chase something else instead.

I may just do as Morgue has done and take up a creative arts income and focus on getting one of my novels started. Or begin writing a roleplaying game... which reminds me... I must write to Arc Dream and see if they would be willing to allow me to utilise Star ORE as the core for my game...

So what are Conan's hopes?

Business: Somehow source the 20-30K needed to start this unique approach to a business. The idea is there and it is financially viable. It just needs to get the seed capital - but without my having to hand control of the business over.

Book: Get started on a real book. Find a way to break through this writer's block. I need to pick something and stick to it. I'm thinking that Evin Shir is going to be the easiest to get going. Here's hoping I can get it started...

Relationships: *sigh* Somehow I have to start socialising with circles where I'm not the only gay guy, or where there are very few guys who are interested in me.

In a surprise twist, Dad has provided me with a possible solution to the business problem. Depending on how negotiations go this week - I may have a surprise announcement to make... ;)

Edit: *sigh* I really need to proof read my posts more often. :D

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: WoD: Mysterious Places
Currently Playing: Unknown Armies - To Go;Exalted
Mood: Getting Proactive!

When things start mounting up...

So I had a pretty awful week this week. A series of deliveries of bad news has put a dampner on my dreams and hopes. A lot of it has to do with just really unfortunate and sad things happening to people I know, and just mounting pressure that I'm putting on myself in the desire to try and figure out what I want my future to be.

Put simply, I want to find that someone who I can share my life with. It has come back with a vengence the last couple of days. I also want to run my own gaming business and I want to write. I want to be able to afford to be a writer full time.

But I can't write at the moment. Nothing ever meets my vague standards. So I need to somehow get over that hump.

Today was a horrible day at work - everyone was in a grumpy and foul mood. Usually I brighten the place up with my chipper and cheerful demeanour. But because I was also in a foul mood, I was having a hard time being any more of a help than anyone else.

E. was so concerned he even stopped and hugged me twice in an attempt to cheer me up! Which of course was kind of odd and really made me more confused than cheerful.

Thankfully VUWGC was a god send tonight with Mike's "The Repo Men" scenario. We had a blast, and it has helped to end the night on a really positive note. Luke's UA game last night did the same - so I'm in a good mood now.

Just wish I could fall in love with someone. Again with the single thing... but it is such a clear and present concern for me.

Seriously though - who would be the right kind of person for a guy like me?

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Castle Falkenstein; Shadows of Asia
Currently Playing: Unknown Armies - To Go;Exalted
Mood: Tired but okay...

Why?

I was reading about the continued atrocities being committed in Iraq by assassins and other terrorist types. Now I'm not a supporter of the US action, and I do feel that much of Iraq's troubles were exacerbated by the way the coalition barged in without really having a real long term plan in mind.

But that doesn't excuse what is happening now. No matter what the coalition did, they are not directly responsible for unholy liars drilling into captives for no apparent purpose other than torture for the sake of torture.

These people use culture, religion, nationality and such to justify their actions.

It makes me angry when I read these things, and it also makes me feel helpless. To me, giving money to some aid group isn't enough to fix such ills. Something more needs to be done.

You see, the thing that pisses me off the most is that these people want to perform these actions. They lie to themselves that it is God or Country that makes them do it. It isn't.

There is always a choice. That is the message the universe is constantly trying to tell you. Sometimes it even tries to give you a clue as to the right choice. That reluctance to harm another - that's the universe saying "are you so sure about this?" Because in the end, the universe and you are all part of the same thing.

God?

Religion still angers me. Because while some people use it to comfort themselves and understand how the greater universe operates - others use it to enforce their own selfish desires onto other people in the name of their deity.

It makes me want to weep. I don't want to offend anyone - especially those friends of mine who find peace in their beliefs. After all, I am merely expounding my own beliefs. What gives me the right to say that I'm correct and they are not? Because I can feel it at the core of my soul? I'm sure many muslims and christians would say the same thing.

I don't care how you choose to approach the universe - as long as you admit that it is your personal journey and not one that you intend to force on to others. Because you have no right to. That is what free will is all about.

What hurts the most is this knowledge - if humanity really wanted the world to be peaceful, they could have it tomorrow.

All this talk about not being able to find peace because of centuries of hurt is simply pride talking. People are too proud to admit when they are wrong. I should know, I make the same mistake all the time myself. I argue when I know deep down I'm wrong at times. Why? Because I'm too proud to admit it. I try to learn not to be prideful - but we live in a culture where we are taught that it is a loss of respect to admit when you are wrong.

Religion and Politics is rife with prideful people who know in their hearts that they are wrong, but still stick to their claims out of pride and arrogance.

I don't really know where I am going here. I had it clear in my head. I just wish there was some way to snap people out of their foolishness. The world is hard enough to handle with all the twisted people whose brains are too damaged to know that it is wrong to kill and rape with us having to deal with rational people who are choosing to do so out of some arrogant belief system.

I know we all have dark thoughts, but most of us know better than to act on such passing thoughts.

Sometimes I wonder if the world would have been better if the gods and goddesses of our religions had remained silent and let humanity figure it out for themselves.

If only I could better verbalise what I hold in my heart right now. This feeling of sorrow and disappointment. This feeling that if only something could be said or done to show everyone why the human race is losing its way because of a mistaken belief of life.

I wish I could act on it better too. I want to be a better person, and to show people why when I look outside even on the wettest day I can see the beauty of the universe. Why it is that I do not worry that much about my future. Why it is that I know in the end of all things - it works out.

So why should I care, if it all works out in the end? Because I want the journey there to be one I remember with happiness. Not one that makes me shake my head in shame in the end.

Am I making any sense there?

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Shadows of Asia
Currently Playing: Unknown Armies - To Go;Exalted
Mood:Wondering when people will begin to work things out

The Weekend is over, time to get serious...

My goal this week is to start getting serious about my plans for the next six months. I need to make a final decision about what I'm going to do about university - will I give in and quit, will I move on or will I complete what I can.

Also, I intend to put a couple of writing projects into motion and see what eventuates. I've realised that I've been so fixated on previous ideas that I may have worked them beyond the point of being able to write them - they are too fully realised in my head that any writing will feel a failure. I need to give them space and work around it.

I want to be dating someone regularly within the next two months. So that is also going to need to be worked on. I've been single far too long, and damn it - I'm a mature, friendly, caring and totally hot guy. Time to work on that. For this to succeed, I need to get my finances sorted out, get new clothes and basically work on my general lifestyle to get back to where I feel I should be. I've been moping around for the last ten months and it's time to shake myself out of it.

This business that I'm looking at going into must eventuate. I will find the financing - if it isn't working out, I will pursue other avenues.

I'm charged, positive and ready to tackle things!

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Exalted 2e
Currently Playing: Unknown Armies - To Go;Exalted
Mood: Watch out world, Conan is powering up...

Cardigans in Spaaaaace!

I'm currently at home bed-ridden with some sort of flu or virus. *sigh* It was a tough decision to make - I almost went to work even though I have an iron man triathalon of a running nose. (I don't get sick days until I've been working there for six months.)

So here I am, sitting at home and watching Babylon 5. Now it is improving, but GOD is it tough going at times.

Some of the acting is still cringeworthy, and the fashions, oh my god the fashions. If this is what the 24th century clothing is going to look like... count me out.

Although it is funny to note how much in the 80s and 90s we underestimated the look and development of technology. In regards to Bab 5 I have to keep reminding myself that the series is not as contemporary as shows like Firefly. It is definitely a product of its time.

Speaking of such things, I've been reading a lot of Shadowrun material that was sent to me for review. Shadowrun has recently had a dramatic updating, and it shows. Man, I am falling in love with this game all over again.

Well not much else for me to report at the moment, I'm sick and hoping to be able to rest up enough to work tomorrow and then attend Luke and Matt's birthdays. Otherwise it is going to be one very miserable weekend for me. :D

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Shadows of Asia
Currently Playing: Unknown Armies - To Go;Exalted
Mood: Sick and in bed with a head cold...

Business, Life, Uni and Apathy

Sounds worse than it actually is. :)

I'm beginning to realise that I'm not interested in being at University right now. I want to be moving on with my career as a writer - which means that I'm slowly making progress out of this damnable block. More ideas have been coming to me and I occasionally note things down, plan out sketches... it's looking like a month or more will see me actually tackling a full on book properly.

Plans continue with my little project - some bad news nearly frightened me into thinking that this was another dream failed at the start, but I'm thinking of alternative routes if we end up in the situation I don't want to be in. So everything is looking to still be firmly on track.

This weekend I got to hang out with Lex and his furry friends - it was a cool and relaxing eveing, with a fun session of watching season 4 Red Vs Blue. Soooo funny. :D

Gilmore girls is still giving me the warm fuzzies. YAY!

But I'm finding it really hard to care about University. I've tackled an assignment today and I realise... I don't care. I'm going to be giving it another shot later this afternoon, letting myself calm down a bit. But maybe it is for the best for me to face up to the fact that I went into Psych with a very different goal than I thought I had.

Damn I sound so flighty.

I hate that.

The thing is... I realise that I don't want an office job. I don't want to work behind a desk looking over statistics and writing up long reports. I want to be running my own business. Talking about games and how much I enjoy them. Trying to give people an opportunity to stop taking life so seriously.

I think that is why I get into a lot of these arguments on RPGnet - maybe I feel that people get too fixated on technicalities. Or they forget that it is a game and not something beyond that.

In a way it's like religion. I'm all for experiencing a mind-expanding vision or feeling the touch of the divine. But I want to feel that as a part of my life, not make it my life. Does that make sense to you guys?

To use the roleplaying analogy - I don't roleplay to become immersed in a character, or to challenge the way I think. I roleplay for the fun of it. If I do experience some sort of mind-expanding event in the course of the game, then I love that. Because it came naturally and wasn't forced by myself or the GM. But it isn't my reason for playing. Because for every awesome immersive experience I've had, there have been lots that weren't. So I want to get my fun from the gaming experience itself - from the crazy stories, or the witty banter...

Religion is kind of the same thing to me. I'm happier having belief and when the divine touches my life, I appreciate it and move on with living.

I've been seeing the hands of the Moirai in my life at the moment. Things just seem to be leaving big obvious signs of potential direction.

So maybe I'm not as apathetic as I thought I would be. Maybe I need to just take a little time out to think...

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading:Shadowrun 43
Currently Playing: Unknown Armies - To Go;Exalted
Mood:Contemplative