Playtesting for Kapcon

Luke:"Who's my Yum Yum?"

So I'm back from a day in the Pram playtesting Paul's Kung Fu game. It was a blast, although we did all kind of act up a little while playing.

The basic set up is quite cool - princess needing help, Kung fu experts hired to help... and Paul used the highly enjoyable Dynamic d6 system that is the core mechanic for Fireborn. All this was in aid of preparing for Kapcon.

Nick:"I'm a tiger! I'm not fricken here to entertain you!"

Kapcon is an annual roleplaying convention held down here in Wellington, and it was the core event that helped me meet a lot of the people who are now my friends here. It's a two day event held over Wellington Anniversary weekend, where six sessions of roleplaying games are played out for prizes, prestige and an all round good time. The prizes aren't really that big a deal - sometimes there are very cool games to be won - but most people actually turn up for the experience.

In a way, Kapcon is like the ironman of the local roleplaying scene. Games start around 9 and go to about 8 in the evening, which is then taken up with a three - four hour Live Action Role Play (LARP), followed by rest before the next run of games the following day. It's a load of fun, a great way to meet other roleplayers in the country and experience new games and styles of gaming.

Debbie:"Soggy Frottage?"

Sometimes things can get a little out of hand though. ;)

Well, I'm feeling rather tired today. A lot has been happening behind the scenes with me recently, and I'm sort of in a confused state about it all. There is work; prepping for Kapcon; thinking about my future; about study and where I want to potentially go; and romance (as usual.)

Or the lack of it, really. One thing that is readily apparent to me is the distinct lack of eligible bachelors who would be open to a relationship - my social circle really isn't the same as the kind I'd hang out in to find a prospective partner. But then I've never really had a social circle in which to look for someone that I'd be attracted to.

Oddly enough, I'd like to be going out with someone who was either a roleplayer, or accepting of my hobby. Not an easy ask.

On top of that, there are some things going on with which I'm not quite sure how I feel about them. Not to do with me - but for some reason I'm reacting to them. Not openly, but deep down something is bugging me. This isn't exactly related to the previous paragraph, just that it is simmering down there.

So yeah, a little confused at the moment. :)

I was thinking about how I really ought to have a few more friends my age - but I'm not really about to just go out and ask people "are you in your late-twenties or early thirties? No? Sorry, can't be friends then."

I worry that I make myself distant at times to people - like my friends here, I sometimes feel a bit awkward because I feel I should be more actively involved, but I don't have anything to say.

Sometimes I want to be more conversational, a little more open. But I think there is something that is making me a little awkward at the moment. Probably because I haven't been friends with them as long as my friends up in Auckland - so it will take a little time for me to get fully comfortable, and to also have that history. Good friendships are built over time, and I shouldn't expect that to happen over night.

I just worry that I'm offending people if I'm off doing my own thing and not making more time for them.

Sometimes I want to be more involved, but I just don't know how to be without being false about it. If I say something, I want it to be natural and not forced. Which isn't to say that it will be profound or anything. More often than not, it isn't. :)

Wow- I can be really silly at times about these things. :)

Recently I've found myself craving physical contact. Not the wey-hey-hey kind, but the intimacy of embracing someone.

I'm missing Alex again.

I'm over the actual situation, I'm more missing the comfortable times we had. We used to hug alot. I remember when we first met we used to just lie on a couch in the Lower Common Room at Uni in an intimate embrace. We didn't call it anything, and we just thought of it as being two friends who were happy with each other's company.

I keep remembering how happy I was back then.

Maybe it's because so much is uncertain for me at the moment, there is something real and solid about holding another human being and trusting them. That feeling of certainty that for this simple moment, the world isn't really important anymore because that intimacy is the entire world and you can just blank everything out.

For me, it is like a kind of meditation almost, a point where my mind calms and the world begins to make sense again.

Well enough ranting waffle from me, I have a lot to organise now, so I'll catch y'all later. :)

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: American Gods by Neil Gaiman
Currently Watching: Around the World in 80 Days
Mood: Positive, but a tinged with melancholy.

Playtests and Relaxing

So this is the first day of my being unemployed again. Ho hum.

Paul is running a playtest today of his kung-fu game, expect a report when I get back home. Not much else to report at the moment.

But how about some figures. :)

Stream of Consciousness

-- Site Summary ---
Visits

Total .......................... 497
Average per Day ................. 22
Average Visit Length .......... 6:27
This Week ...................... 157

Page Views

Total ........................ 1,091
Average per Day ................. 46
Average per Visit .............. 2.1
This Week ...................... 325

Those are the figures for this last week, which is pretty heartening. I've been watching as it has slowly increased. So while not many people are regularly commenting, they are regularly visiting. YAY! I've got some fans. LOL

Well to everyone who is a regular, thanks for taking the time to check out my ramblings. I'll have more to babble about later, I'm sure. Have a great day!

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: American Gods by Neil Gaiman
Currently Playing: Paul's Playtest
Currently Watching: Around the World in 80 Days
Mood: Optimistic and happy

Freedom and Uncertainty

So today is going to be my last day at Mandatory. I'll be glad to finally be free from a job I wasn't enjoying. Hopefully the next manager will better suited for the job.

In the interim, I'm left wondering what I'm going to be doing next. I know that I have a lot of support- I just hope I can find a job that will be in the field I want to work in. Namely communications or media advice.

Not much else for me to say - I'll rant more later. ;)

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: American Gods by Neil Gaiman
Currently Watching: Around the World in 80 Days
Mood: Optimistic

Another down day

Well what a great way to start my day - another rejection for work. I'm really on the verge of panicking now. My gear arrived from Auckland, so I'm now placed here in Wellington, and it's at this point I'm beginning to think maybe I should have moved back to Auckland. :(

I still have no bed, Dad got his info wrong, my skills are too varied and nobody seems to think I'm worth hiring except for retailers - and I don't want to work in retail.

I need to be earning around 40K a year, I have no savings, and in two days - no job.

What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I get my shit together, and why can't I find a job? I'm skilled, talented and a good guy - but it looks like I'm never going to make the cut.

For anything.

Conan

Mood: Yeah, not too good and not wanting to be at my current workplace anymore.

Buddhism, Daoism and Wanting the Unobtainable

So I've been thinking this week about various issues, and it's occured to me how often we seek the things we cannot have. It seems almost like an addiction for most people.

I think about how the more Alex spurned me, the more I pursued. I think of how many of my friends have done the same, the more something became difficult to gain, the more they chased it. The more they chased, the harder it became and so on...

Interestingly, this reminds me of the philosophy of Buddhism - in many of its incarnations.

One of the most misunderstood tenets of Buddhism is that "Life is Suffering."

See the interesting thing about Buddhism is that when the philosophy states this, it's not actually saying what many think it's saying.

The thing that Buddha was saying was that life is full of suffering because of desire. It's not a cry that there is no hope, but rather that it is part of life to desire things, and that the act of desire never ends. Once we achieve the thing we desire, we become restless and set a new desire when we realise that the thing we sought wasn't what we really wanted.

Now Buddhism kind of implies that what we really want is to return to the void and be at peace where there is no desire, and thusly no suffering.

Of course, according to Buddha the only place where there is no desire is a big empty nothingness. Hence buddhism is about becoming nothing and wanting for nothing. It's a smart approach, in some ways.

Daoism is very similar, funnily enough. Again, Daoism identifies that actively seeking things and pushing your way through life is the way to suffering. Like Buddhism, Daoists try to personally seek nothing - but Daoists don't seek to become one with the void- rather they seek to become one with the Universe. Rather than nothing, they seek to become everything.

The difficult bit of all this is, of course, that they must be like the Asthetics and seek without desiring. A tough challenge.

The Asthetics sought to discover true beauty - but one could not gain from the experience, rather they just basked in it and said "hm. That's true beauty. I appreciate it. Now I must move on. Cherry pie, anyone?"

Buddhists approach this by meditating, they clear their minds of desire and try to quieten their minds to touch the void- the nothingness. Thus they manage, for a time, to avoid desire and thus suffering.

Daoists stop actively forcing the universe and instead open themselves to everything - reacting to the signals that the universe sends them and thus begin to work in harmony with the Great Work. Many daoists rely on fortune telling and the like to help them identify what it is that the universe is doing - they are believers that there is a great Way to all things, and to act in harmony with it is to discover contentment.

Asthetics are a confused mix of these ideas.

And yet there is something there with the idea of desire. I've been trying to figure out if I would be content without desire - because although it can bring suffering, if tempered with a near daoist approach to things - it can also bring moments of true happiness.

I have found that once you start looking at things as either in harmony or out of harmony, life becomes a lot more magical. When you get a glimpse of that Way, where the world seems to serendipitously work in some great pattern, there is this flash of calm and hope. There is a feeling of everything is going to work out.

This, I suspect, is why many people take up religion. They seek to rediscover that brief moment of "eureka" that they had, and they equated with their religious awakening.

But again we come to the problem of seeking - life is suffering. If we drive the universe to our will, this becomes a truth.

Where am I going with all this? Can't say for sure. I'm still puzzling it out. I can't imagine being a pawn to the universe is a good thing, or even the truth of the matter. Rather, I believe that the Universe wants what is best for you, and it leaves clues as to what paths you can take to get those things.

When you finally step in the right direction, it opens things up for you. If not, it leaves you to flounder.

Which isn't to necessarily say that the universe is a conscious entity, but rather I am anthropomorphising what seems to me to be some natural process. It's a suitable fable to help understand a metaphysical concept.

So how does that relate to my situation? I need to have faith that if I follow my gut, things will work out.

Of course there are some things that my gut is saying that I just can't quite find any evidence to support. So maybe I should just have faith that whatever I do, I have faith that it will work out for the best in the long term - because eventually it does. I have an unshakable belief that when all things come to run their course, it all works out in the end.

I have always felt this, and I always will. Things eventually work out, suffering is transitory.

Still... it would be nice to have some of that stuff working out for me now rather than later. :)

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: American Gods by Neil Gaiman
Currently Watching: The Complete Black Adder
Mood: Hopeful and calm

Holding Pattern

So here I am, having just read a number of the crazy comments on Mash's Livejournal about geeks and non-geeks. Now I'm trying to think about what I'm going to write in my blog today. Wow, I don't think I could ever be controversial enough to score 77 comments. :D (Haloscan would probably have a fit too.)

But it has made me wonder about social skills.

I like to think I'm a pretty well socialised person. Of course here in Wellington most of my friends are roleplayers, I have very few non-roleplayer friends. But back in Auckland I had friends from all walks of life, and they all were keen to keep in touch. Ironically, I found my gamer friends were a lot more socially adept than my non-gamer friends, and I think that this is something that Mash hasn't noticed.

See, most non-gamers think a party is loud music, drink, drugs and shagging. Not much else. In my experience, Gamers like to drink, but they also like to talk - and they will talk at length about all manner of topics. Not only this, but at gamer parties, they will mingle and chat, generally build up a strong network of friendships - which is very healthy if you want to game. Hell, I moved cities and walked right into a sizeable social network that has really helped me through the tough relocation phase. I watch my non-gamer brother at the moment and realise how lucky I am. He has two friends here in Wellington, not including me. That's it. He doesn't know anyone else. He's been searching for a flat, and only just found one - and it isn't cheap.

I got down here and was able to get accomodation, sort out a flat and even set up a new gaming group with relative ease because of my local connections.

So I guess that puts paid to Mash's theory.

As for the dancing theory - I saw Nick's argument that equating dancing with other... pursuits... was a bit odd. But I do think that it has a different equation - dancing means that the guy probably is willing to try out things, and has a healthy variety of interests.

I love to dance - and I regret that I haven't had the time or inclination to do it for a while. Here's hoping that changes soon. :D

About eight years ago I was almost pipped to go to the Ceroc National Champs. :D I love a good rhythm. ;)

Books

So I'm currently sorting out ideas in my head about books to write. I may do a poll later, but I'm at the moment trying to decide on:

Future Fantasy: A future fantasy story that will subtlely look at terrorism and its effect on societies.

Modern Fantasy: A Modern Fantasy that links our beliefs with an ancient history. While this has been done before, it hasn't been done the way I'm planning. ;) The story will look at issues of responsibility, the division of things and how we see our world today.

Modern Fantasy Short Stories: The last is the idea I proposed to the House of Modern Letters about - a series of modern fantasy stories set in Wellington.

So what do you guys think?

In other news, I may be getting set up on a blind date. So I'll keep you all posted on how that turns out. I also got news that a friend of mine in Auckland is having a bit of hard time - so I send him my love and support, hope he's feeling better soon and sorts out things. Finally, I got a bit of a shock recently that I don't want to go into detail about because it's a bit personal, but it was something I had been expecting to hear. :) The funny thing is the shock came from what emotions it stirred up. Let's just say that it wasn't the reaction I had been expecting. So I've been thinking about that recently too - kind of ties in with stuff I've been discussing for a while, but the details are not really related to this blog, so I'm going to be captain mysterioso over that one. :D

Hehehe

I like being Captain Mysterioso.

*ahem*

Just to be clear - I'm not dying, no one I know has died (that I'm aware of), I haven't ended up sleeping with Julia Roberts or Brad Pitt, I'm not hidden nobility. It's just something that relates to things I've been keeping to myself - because I have to have some personal secrets, even from you guys. :D

Right, well that's enough prattle from me for one evening. Catch y'all later! Have a good night!

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: American Gods by Neil Gaiman - it's actually getting interesting now...
Currently Watching: The Complete Black Adder
Mood:Thoughtful, Excited, Warm and Fuzzy... oh, that's from the heat my laptop is giving off. :P lol

Love is a Force of Nature

Wow - I watched the trailer for this film, and man - do I wanna see it. :D

In other news, I'm being set up on a blind date at some point in the near future... so here's hoping that it goes well. *chuckle*

Also, my younger brother is now in Wellington. We spent Sunday hanging out and met up with his friend, Peter, who is a nice and easy going guy. Although he is a bit... I don't know... something felt a little odd.

Not much else to say - I think my last rant really covered a lot of the bases. :)

Catch y'all later!

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: American Gods by Neil Gaiman
Currently Watching: Hudson Hawk
Mood: Pretty good- just feeling a bit sleepy. :)

Love, Passion and Responsibility

Last night while walking home from Paul's get together, Mash and I got into a bit of a discussion about people and relationships. It was an interesting discussion because Mash managed to make the astute observation that relationships are something we all obsess about. Either we want to be in one or we obsess about the relationships we are in.

Long time readers of Stream of Consciousness would be aware that this is a big issue for me - but it might help to put some context on the matter.

See, I have never been in a real relationship. I have the uncanny knack of choosing to want to be with people who have no interest in having any form of intimate relationship with me. I sometimes jokingly refer to this as The Curse. If I find myself attracted or passionate about a person - then they probably aren't interested in me. Or if they are, they quickly stop being interested.

Funny that.

So what am I doing wrong? Well, I spend a lot of time trying to work that one out. The upshot is that I just am often picking the wrong type of person. Bad luck, essentially. I need someone who isn't afraid of passion - and I'm not talking about the yelling in the bedroom kind of passion... I mean something more deep-seated.

See, I'm a very passionate person. I'm stubborn, driven, and committed to my core beliefs. That also means that when I love someone, I'm sometimes freaky focused on that person. To the point, I feel, that I make them uncomfortable because a lot of people just can't handle that much attention from one person.

I'm very aware of the risk of becoming a stalker type - and that is something I worry about constantly. Because that is the other side of my personality - I'm also very empathic. I care, and I do try to see things from other viewpoints - which is why I tend to back off from straight out revealing my feelings for certain people.

Getting back to the point - our discussion moved into some areas based around my once-time goal of doing a Masters and Doctorate in Philosophy.

Now I am realising that was my real passion.

I was working on a philosophy about Human Nature and Responsibility. The upshot was that I suspected that there is something fundamentally missing in the way humanity views itself. That we have developed this overbloated idea of what it is to be human without actually actively understanding what humanity really is.

It all comes down to how we don't want to take responsibility for who we really are.

Whenever I hear people say "It's human nature to..." I often realise that more often they are actually saying "it's not my fault, because I have no free will."

The problem is, you do. People will continue arguing against free will because they don't want to be responsible. They think too black and white - the universe doesn't.

Which isn't to say that I'm condoning immoral actions - but rather that if you make a choice to change, or if you work to be a better person - that matters to the Universe. The Universe doesn't see people as irreparably evil or unshakingly good. Sure, there are people out there who are - but most of us are grey. We spend so much time trying to not accept that, though.

I'm not sure this is quite coming out the way I want it to.

What I'm trying to say is that it matters more that you take responsibility for your choices - revel in the freedom that gives you.

I know I haven't always lived up to that myself. Even on this blog I sometimes avoid discussing certain issues and feelings because I don't want to risk the fallout.

But I know why I do it, and I accept that I have made the choice.

You see, I once wrote a lot about my feelings regarding Alex and another friend. It ended up costing me a friendship because I said things that my friend felt were bad - and he didn't like them being on a public forum.

The thing was, I was merely being honest about my feelings. And I had discussed the situation with him.

Now, I still hold stuff back. Not that I have anything bad to say, but rather that I'm feeling conflicted, I guess.

How easily we choose to fall in love, to have passion and yet we don't want to ever take the responsibility that comes with those choices. I've come to realise that a lot of my depression and general state of discomfort has come from a lack of passion. Alex was a passion for me, something that drove me for four years - and now that's gone.

I need to rediscover my passion in life - not necessarily fall in love with someone, but have something that drives me. That's why I've been down because I realise that I have lost that passionate focus- and I did so by my own choosing.

So what do I want? Now is a good time to start making some resolutions - I'm a few days late in making them, but let's see if I can make some. And let's see if you guys might be able to help me keep them by just letting me know when it sounds like I'm straying from the path. Passion rarely just starts up fully formed - it often needs time to grow. I need to be patient.

Love: I want to fall in love for real this year. This isn't something I can do, but I need to make myself open to the possibility- where ever it comes from. I'm ready to fall in love now. Maybe I'll look at going out clubbing sometime and see if I meet anyone.

Writing: Damn it, I keep calling myself a writer, but what have I written recently? I need to come up with a book and stick to it regardless of anything and get the damn thing finished. This year I will write a novel, get it to an agent and get it published.

Philosophy: I want to help change the way the world thinks. I want to show the world that you can be happy and that it does take facing those scary things about yourself to get there. That ultimately we are all capable of great things...

Here's hoping that I can rekindle my passions... :)

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: American Gods by Neil Gaiman
Currently Watching: Angel Season 4
Mood: Optimistic but kind of wanting to be in someone's arms today...

Well whaddya know...

Heheehe - Well I did the Seven Deadly Sins test, and here were my results. :)

Greed:	Medium
Gluttony:	Medium
Wrath:	Very Low
Sloth:	Medium
Envy:	Very Low
Lust:	Medium
Pride:	Medium

Discover Your Sins - Click Here

I feel somewhat vindicated. :)

Love and Huggles

Conan

A day of... well... thoughts

Man, I need to take meditation at some point. :) My brain has been working overtime today - just so many thoughts all happening at once. I remember once reading a book that referred to the human brain as "the chattering monkey." It was about how meditation is often used to try and quieten it, because it constantly wells up with flittering considerations and concepts.

I guess, in a way, this blog is a form of meditation - a psychic dumping point for my thoughts. But it also serves as a place to express my honest feelings in a manner that I often find the spoken word has trouble with.

I know that some people use blogs to be witty, or to make astute social commentary - and I'd like to be able to do that. But ultimately I feel that the best way of communicating anything I have to say about that is by communicating how I am thinking and feeling about myself.

The point being that I want people to be able to read my posts and either say "wow, I feel the same way too! I'm not the only one!" or "wow, I never thought about it like that. That never happened to me."

Now as it has probably been seriously obvious over the last few months, I've been concerned with relationships and the future. Namely my future. Well there have been some things I haven't openly mentioned. I think I've alluded to them on occasion, but I haven't (to my conscious knowledge) out right spoken about them.

Not to say that I'm going to give a sudden revelation of every little iota of thought I have had - there are some things that are always best left unsaid. I do think that most of what I have been thinking is visible if you look deep enough - but if you're not looking, nothing to worry about. :) It obviously isn't important enough to you, and that's totally cool by me.

But there are some things that I feel I need to start building on for future posts.

My brain is almost constantly processing information about the structure of modern Western society. Why? Because despite all claims to the contrary, something doesn't feel equitable to me. I have a suspicion that money and economics comes into the equation, but that's not the core of the problem but rather a measure of what is really at the core. One of my goals when I looked at doing my Masters in Philosophy last year was to start work on a theory regarding humanity and the concept of responsibility - but I kind of wimped out at the last moment. It is something that does take up a lot of activity when I'm in my more relaxed states.

Relationships and intimacy. This is another constant process. As you probably can tell I am regularly plagued with thoughts about all this. It's been in the forefront especially recently because I haven't hugged anyone seriously since I've moved down here. There have been a couple of occasions - but not many. Part of this is because it doesn't feel right in the circumstances, in Auckland I had people that I was comfortable hugging because we had the kind of intimate friendships where it didn't feel weird or an invasion of someone's personal space. The reality is that I really need to find that person that I can be intimate with on both a personal and social level. Thing is, it's not happening anywhere that I can see. It's tough when I want to feel the contact of being with someone - but that kind of relationship has to be mutual. And I need to find the kind of person who the mutual feeling exists with. It's really causing me a high level of inner distress, and my brain is currently at war with my instincts at the moment. Because I need to be patient. It will likely be a while before anything comes along.

I worry about finding a job - this was another thought constantly plaguing me today. I've applied for a couple of jobs, but I finish work soon and I have nothing to move on to yet. I can only pray that it will work out.

Alex. I think less about Alex now than I used to, but every so often... well the thoughts are still there. I really was in love. Shame Alex wasn't.

What brought all this on? Well I was thinking about the movie I saw today - Howl's Moving Castle. In it one of the main characters was without a heart, and it made me think about relationships and those of us who find ourselves emotionally stranded.

I had a great day, don't get me wrong. I wasn't all mister mopey or captain depression. I'm beginning to even out a little - I just have this undercurrent of vulnerability going on. I just have this constant urge to be comforted and held. To be able to lie down and have someone holding me gently and simply letting me take time out and draw some strength from the feeling.

I'm not really sure what else to say at the moment. Maybe it's just the exhaustion talking - I am feeling pretty tired now.

I had a great day, and I'm not depressed, just very contemplative. Wondering how long I will be waiting for someone to sweep me off my feet. :)

In the meantime, I'm actually doing well. Howls Moving Castle gets a two thumbs up - Miyazaki at his best. Also having good company helped as well. :D I'm just in a very thought filled frame of mind this evening. :)

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: American Gods by Neil Gaiman
Currently Watching: Buffy Season 7
Mood: Contemplative, Feeling good - still needing hugs though... :D

Invasions and Silliness

So I'm going a bit chez geek today. But the new patch for WoW (World of Warcraft) is damn shiny. There is an upcoming war and everyone is being asked to join in the effort - I like the whole immersive and involving element of that. :)

In other news, looking for work is still tough. There's very little out there at the moment - but I'm still looking. Fingers crossed that I find something in time. :)

Other than that - not a heck of a lot to report. I'm hoping to buy some trainers today so that I can go back to the gym. Exercise really helps keep me positive. :D

All the best!

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading:American Gods by Neil Gaiman
Currently Watching: Buffy Season 7
Mood:Hopeful and positive

The Hunt for the Right Job

So it's almost time for me to go back to my current job, and I'm having a little bit of a stress about what the future holds. I just realised that there is only this week and the next left for me to find a new job.

So far - no luck. :(

I'll be going into the week of Kapcon without a job and heavily stressed... although it does look like I will get enough holiday pay to cover the bad bit. :) So it isn't all bad.

I've been looking on Seek and Jobstuff today and there are still very few jobs that make me leap up and go "YES! I can do that!"

I don't want to go into retail, I'd prefer a 9-5 mon-fri job. These are nowhere near as simple as I had though they would be. *Sigh* :)

Ideally, I'd like a job that will have some degree of point to it. Not just another "filler job" like manager or the like. I'd like something which would help people.

Maybe I should go back to Uni and finish Psychology...

Well it's time for me to leave. Enough of my musings for now. :D

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: American Gods by Neil Gaiman; Weapons of the Gods RPG
Currently Watching: Buffy Season 7
Mood: Thoughtful and warm

Attraction, Beauty and other things

Yesterday we had a very kick ass session of Weapons of the Gods. My friend, Luke, ran the scenario of the Kapcon game that he intends to run and it was very cool. I must admit that it has convinced me even more that this is a cool game. :D

The system was quick, and the Kung-Fu was fun. There was plenty of smacktalk all round too. We also took some time to watch The Stormriders (crap) and a Kung-Fu/Wuxia classic, Iron Monkey (Very cool.)

Beauty and Attraction

Now for the rant bit of my blog today...

I was thinking about these things yesterday, just in the back of my head, for a number of reasons. Part of it has to do with discussions that were had at Nick and Nasia's New Year's party, part of it has to do with various events over the last year, and part of it has to do with things like my own self-image.

See, somedays I look in the mirror and I think about how I look. What is attractive on the surface? I sometimes make faces and think about all the different expressions, how they make my face look and whether I feel if I am seeing how I feel inside visible on the surface. I guess, in a way, I sometimes try to see if I can spot my inner beauty through some clue in my physical features.

Because I have a feeling that all people do have something beautiful about them - just in some people it is easier to see than others. I have on occasion looked at my friends, my workmates and strangers and tried to identify something beautiful about them - and trust me, it isn't always easy.

Why do I do this?

I'm not 100% sure. I think it is partly because I don't want to feel that I might miss something that is of value. Or maybe it is important to me to remember that if all these people have a beauty, then I must too.

Because somedays I look in the mirror and I see the flaws - my stained teeth, my acne-scarred face, my receding hairline, my stomach. I see these things and I worry that I will never be attractive enough for the kind of person I am attracted to. Because I do think I have a tendency to be very picky.

Admittedly, Alex had that typical English look - kind of cute, but really looked more like a horse.

Also had no chin to speak of.

Was scrawny and kind of weedy all over.

But there was a beauty I was attracted to. The smile was so inviting. So funny and caring.

What is it that attracts us to people?

I think about what I find attractive - a youthful personality, but also maturity. Beautiful eyes. A ready smile. A gentle soul, but not a pushover. Someone who can be funny, and someone who can just be quiet and thoughtful.

But I also think about how some people I have turned away because despite the beauty I could see - there was something I always found hard to place. Something that didn't attract me. I suspect it was, in part, to do with my thinking too much about sex.

Sex for me is an odd topic. I like it - but not enough it seems. See, I want someone who I can be intimate with and not have to have sex all the time. Sex always feels kind of awkward because I have never actually had sex with anyone I genuinely loved, and I always felt kind of guilty during because of this.

Maybe it's my catholic upbringing, but I still feel that sex should be something special - not because sex is special, but because for me it is an offering of something that is not given to everybody.

So it has meant that I have been without sex for... well... a long time.

But I don't want to rush off and just get a hot piece of ass or anything like that. I want to fall in love again. I'm ready for love - I've been ready for almost fifteen years. Which brings me back to attraction.

A friend of mine's boyfriend once tried to identify my "type." We were out one day and he asked me to mention whenever someone I thought was attractive walked past. So I dutifully pointed out each and every occasion that I saw someone attractive, and Ian was getting frustrated because he was having a hard time spotting any similarities.

Then he pointed at someone and said - "over there. Right?"

And he was. Then he spotted another person. And another.

So my friend asks Ian what my type is, as Ian had obviously figured it out.

Ian gave this pained and confused look. He answered that he didn't know what it was, but he could just tell who by looking at them. It was something intangible, but he reckoned that there was something in the face - not physical, but in the way they looked, almost in the eyes.

Even now, I can't tell you what my type is. But I can tell you what attracts me most- something I see in their eyes. I don't know what it is, but I know that eyes are very important to me in the process of attraction.

So have I met anyone while down in Wellington that has caused me to go "hmmm?"

Well I've met a couple of people who have fit that bill - but nobody who is available or interested. Most of the people I have met have been part of the same social group - and I suspect that the pickings for a guy like me are slim. :)

Besides, I am at that point now where I need to be romanced for a change. I spent four years romancing a person who gave me nothing in return. All our friends fell in love with me, because they saw how hard I tried and how considerate I was. They saw how I battled with myself to do things right and not be too pushy and not be too disinterested.

But I sucked at the romancing thing. I'm not confident enough in myself and it shows. That's where my mirror gazing suffers most. I look in the mirror and I see the fear, the sorrow and I find myself asking - who could fit in this reflection with me?

I am a good person, I know. I'm also a loving, caring person who wants everyone to be happy.

This is the absolute truth.

It's just that I sometimes think I'm pretty bad at that. And sometimes I think that I'm too selfish, too dominating, too ignorant.

These things aren't true.

So what am I getting at? I'm not really sure. I'm trying to identify that at the moment. I want to be loved, but I worry that I make myself unlovable. Or maybe just unavailable.

It's an important issue to me - I don't want to go another year without finally having a relationship with a person I actually love. I don't want to fall for someone only to see them end up with someone else, and then be left thinking to myself 'what did I do wrong?'

Yet, I'm too tired to go out there into those old social circles where I could find someone. It's too hard, too difficult and not the place that I feel comfortable.

So where does that leave me?

I just don't have the answers I seek. So I wait here hoping that some miracle will occur...

And I just try to smile through it all.

Conan

Currently Reading:Weapons of the Gods Vol. 2; Weapons of the Gods RPG; American Gods by Neil Gaiman
Currently Watching: Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 7
Mood: Heartachey and World weary...

Happy New Year!

So it's official now - we're in 2006!

Can't stay to chat, need sleeeeep. All the best to everyone for this year.

I'll have a rant ready later. :D

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading:Weapons of the Gods RPG; Prey by Michael Crichton
Mood:Tired, but good. A little bit introspective. :)

Preparing to enter the new year

Strap in kiddies - the year is almost over and that rollercoaster of life is about to crank it up again.

Here's hoping that next year brings more happiness, peace and goodwill to the world. No, really. I'm not just going all Pepsi commercial on you. Over the first five years of the new millennium I have seen humanity fall into the worst examples of human selfishness and greed.

Not to say that it's all bad - we have also seen some of the brightest acts of kindness in years as well. But I can't shake the feeling that time is ticking now. Some say we have seven years before something happens. Notably the Mayans (or was it the Aztecs, I'll have to google this later and update you) listed in their calendars that what effectively calculates to the year 2012v is when everything stops. Now I suspect that it was just that a few thousand years ago someone said "Hey, y'know we've written up the calendar for the next several THOUSAND years. Why don't we give it a break."

And then the Spanish invaded.

So rather than being all doomsday, I just want people to think about what IF the world ends in seven years. What could you do in those seven years to be able to face the end of time and say "it's okay, I'm ready now."

I personally feel that I need to work on developing my compassion more, my self-image and try to find out how to overcome my personal foibles.

So here is to a happy holiday and the hope that maybe humanity will wake up and realise that EVERYONE can make a difference.

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Weapons of the Gods RPG; Prey by Michael Crichton
Mood:Hopeful

With Gay Abandon

So I was reading Nick's Livejournal and I was reminded of what happened while I was up in Auckland over Christmas.

See I understand Nick's dillemma because it happens constantly to a friend of mine, James. Now James is about Nick's age, a little older, and lives up in Auckland. James is studying computers and engineering, but he is also keen to become an actor as a career. (Ahhh the innocence of youth. Kidding, kidding.)

Now James is a very attractive, slim and healthy young man. But he has that kind of feline/pretty boy look, which ends up giving a lot of people the impression that he is gay. Add his lithe form, tendancy to be graceful when he moves and comfort with being intimately friendly (i.e. hugging) with his close friends... you can see the problem.

While I was up in Auckland this week, he was asked no less than three separate times if he was gay, or it was implied or stated that he seemed gay. Which I, naturally, found amusing personally.

The way I see it is that most woman are now finding that they have to ask before they try to flirt with a guy. Especially up in Auckland, because a well dressed, attractive and sexy male is likely to be either in a relationship or gay. Chances are if he is flirting back, he's a gay guy who has mistakenly thought you were just being camp with him. Frustrating for women.

The irony is that the same problem exists for gay men- if you meet an attractive, guy who is well-dressed and well-spoken(We're not talking hardcore camping ground scout jamboree types here) chances are that he'll be straight.

So how is this happening? Straight guys getting called gay, gay guys only being approached by women and straight men only being approached by gay men?

Personally, I put it down to stereotyping and people expecting others to fit into categories.

Look. Gay men aren't all "Are you being served" campy queens. Sure, a large proportion of them are - but not all. Some are very normal people who you wouldn't guess. But conversely, just because a guy wears pink and likes to dance and be sensitive - he's not necessarily gay.

It's okay to be sensitive. In fact, it's damn healthy.

Now I like gay jokes as much as the next person - really. I can see and appreciate the humour. But sometimes it can go too far. People can get frustrated and hurt.

Not that I have to face a problem with the issue. *Chuckle*

But it does upset me when friends get constantly hassled about it and the response from the people doing the hassling is "he just needs to get tough." It's hard for a guy who is straight to be taken seriously if whenever he's around his friends they tease him about being gay. It can also lead to some very uncomfortable situations that potentially ruin friendships.

And it's hard enough for gay guys to deal with their own issues when they can't feel comfortable about talking about their relationships for fear of ridicule. Even when that ridicule is only meant to be just for fun and not serious.

Hmmm

I guess that's enough lecturing for today. :) I'm just saying, be aware of your friend's feelings. Also - if you are upset by people teasing - just say so. If they keep on going (especially after constantly being told to stop) - they're not being good friends.

To quote Jack Nicholson - Why can't we all just... get along? :)

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading:Weapons of the Gods RPG; Prey by Michael Crichton
Mood: Good and healthy. :)

On Returning

Well I'm back from my Christmas vacation - and what a fun time I had. I got to catch up with a lot of my friends, spend time with Mum and Henley, and generally have a good four days holiday.

The interesting thing is that after my holiday, I've been revitalised. I've remembered why I came down here in the first place, and I'm feeling a lot more positive. There are some scary things on the horizon - the next couple of weeks could see me stressing about being able to cover the rent after all (work has been less than clear about how much I'm actually getting paid this week. :/) So hopefully I'll be able to keep on top of that.

On the bright side, I've received Weapons of the Gods. It's a sweeet as purchase. :)

I'll have more to say later - catch you all soon. :D

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Weapons of the Gods RPG; Prey by Micheal Crichton
Currently Watching:Angel Season 3
Mood: Upbeat and happy

A Christmas Message

BAH-HUMBUG!

Just kidding. :D

I'm about to head off to get a plane up to Auckland, so this will be brief.

I hope everyone has a very very merry Christmas. May you have a safe holiday and enjoyable time with family/friends. Catch you all later!

Love and Huggles

Conan

Mood:Chipper

Kong vs Narnia - FIGHT!

Last night Nick and I went and saw King Kong. Wow. It was a pretty full on movie. :D I think we both ended up agreeing that it was a damn fine film - but not one that we'd be in a rush to go see again. While it was better than Lord of the Rings - the acting was great, the CG was amazing and it was a truly fantastic film - it went on for a long time and I'm not sure I'd be in a rush to experience that again. It's quite draining being in the theatre so long watching something with such schizophrenic pacing.

Narnia, equally, was a long and lush movie. I liked it, but the CG was not quite to Kong's standard. Most of all though, it suffered from the same pacing issue. It just kept stopping and starting. I walked out thinking "great film, but thank GOD it's over." I went and saw it today at Regent on Manners (They're cheaper tickets.)

So there we go. But at least I'm feeling good today. Looking forward to some more time off work.

More later...

Love and Huggles

Conan

Mood:Warming up...

Optimism is more than just a word...

Thanks to all the people who have said such kind things to me recently. It's really meant a lot.

Tara, the woman who I usually talk to at the bank, has managed to sort some stuff out that has helped ease a heck of a lot of the pressure that has been on me. With a temporary boost to my finances, I can weather through this harsh time so that I'll be able to focus on finding a job and sorting out my alternate plans with University.

*whew*

I'm still very tired and mopey, but at least I can say that I kept my shit together enough to look for solutions and not spend the day just feeling sorry for myself. :)

I can't stay too long today - I'll post more tomorrow. :D

Just letting you all know that I'm still keeping positive in the face of adversity and all that stuff. :)

Love and Huggles

Conan

Mood:Improving, still a little down.

They say it gets worse just before it gets better...

Today has been the worst day I have had since I moved down here.

I actually left work 5 hours early because I was simply unable to stand it anymore. I was stressed, worried, distracted and generally in a bad way. Things have been getting progressively worse since last night. After I found out about the rejection from the course, the internet went down. Then I realised that I may be facing problems paying rent next week because my bosses have slyly set things up so I don't get paid for public holidays, less hours and thus will be in deep financial poo.

Today I began to wish it would just all stop.

All of it - that being nothing would be better than going through anymore of this. I feel so weak and tired. My heart is empty and yet also like lead. I have a permanent lump in my throat like I'm about to burst into tears at any minute.

And it isn't because I didn't get into the course - this has been building up. It's the whole thing. The feeling that I made a monumental mistake and I wont be able to get out of it. I just don't know what to do anymore.

What do I want? I wanted to be a writer - but I never think I'm good enough. I get frustrated and tired easily. Most of the time I just want to lie down and go to sleep forever. It's not that I'm not cheerful - that is the real me, the cheerful guy. Because when I'm happy I forget all these worries and get to be myself again.

I miss Alex.

I hate Alex.

I know it would never have worked out. We were just not meant to be. But at least then I had something to focus on. Here... I'm lost. I sit here in my empty room thinking about how much my life hasn't turned out the way I wanted. Now I'm in tears.

I know it's not very manly - but I'm being honest about who I am and how I'm feeling. It's just becoming too much to handle and I actually don't feel like I can really find a solution. I want to call someone up - but what can anyone do? It's not their fight. Soothing words aren't going to help.

I just don't know where I belong anymore...

Don't worry, I'm not going to do anything stupid. I've already called the bank and I'm attempting to get an overdraft extension to help me through. But there is a good chance they'll say no. In which case - what am I going to do?

Then there is the issue of finding a job - I have had 0 luck finding anything yet.

And what about my future in general?

I don't want to end up in a job just because I need the money. That's why I left Auckland in the first place.

But where is there to go from here? I'm never qualified enough to do any of the jobs that interest me, I'm not a good enough writer to get any writing jobs it would seem.

What do I have that is of any value? I couldn't even be with the person I loved.

I know it will work out eventually. But that doesn't stop things from hurting right now. And they are really, really hurting.

Conan

Mood: I'm identifying with Sixth Season Buffy - that's how bad it is. I'm identifying with a fictional character from a fantasy series. :"(

Bad news

So I didn't get into the MA in Creative Writing.

That's hit harder than I thought it would. I guess the whole thing of being pressured out of my job ahead of time, that I'm still without furniture because of my family's notorious behaviour, that I'm still not feeling settled and generally stressed about money and debts... it's just left me in free fall.

For the briefest moment I was caught with the idea of just running back to Auckland and trying to restore my old life. But that isn't going to happen. I'm not going to give in.

However, now I need to make some serious decisions. I can go on to do the Psychology degree that I was toying with - and that seems like a smart move.

In the meantime, I'll apply for a creative New Zealand grant, chase other avenues and get published anyway. Then I will be going back to the selectors for this course and I will make them eat that rejection. :D

I'm not really sure how I'm feeling at the moment... I feel kind of empty, and tense.

I would just like something to go right for a change...

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Watching: Buffy Season 6, Disc 1
Mood: Disappointed, very tired

Honesty and Words

Talk about a healthy start! :) Well, I've been thinking a bit about what I'm intending to post today...

Firstly - passwords are so annoying. More accurately, Hackers are annoying. I recently had to change the password on my gmail account because hackers got into a database that had my e-mail and contact details, along with about 6000 other people. So I diligently changed my password. Except now I can't remember it, and can only access my e-mail from my laptop. *sigh*

So hackers suck, because they think they're cool - but most of the time they're just nobs who have nothing better to do with their intelligence and skills.

Now that I've made myself a nice little target for future attacks...

I've been thinking a bit about what I wrote the other day. Love and stuff. (Seems to be a bit of a theme at the moment.) Anyway, I've been working through my own issues recently regarding what I had led myself to be the love of my life - which was obviously not the case - and it's brought me to some interesting hypotheses.

Firstly there is the case of honesty. How honest can you be - see, honesty is meant to be a way of showing trust in someone. You're letting them know what you feel and think, and you are placing trust in them to not take advantage of that. In return, they are trusting you to be consistently honest. But some people use honesty to build trust, but to keep people fromn pressing too much about other things...

What am I saying there? Well there are some things that I've been holding back. Thoughts, feelings, that kind of thing. Why? Because there is a part of me that I've kept locked away from the world, a part that I keep for people who earn my complete trust.

The problem is that I let someone in and I got seriously hurt. I was treated like that hidden part of myself was of no value. Which led me to doubt everything else too. See, I don't lie about who I am - but I don't always tell the whole story. I don't feel it's a necessity.

But worst of all, out of all this doubt and loss I learnt the most harmful sentence I know. It's a sentence that can destroy friendships, split families, and make normally nice people become heartless.

That sentence is "I love you."

Love factors largely in my life - or more accurately, the eternal pursuit of it. It means a great deal to me - as I mentioned before. But in all my time searching, I have only said those words three times. Once as crush. Once as a mistake in the throes of adequate intimacy and once when I finally realised that I truly meant it.

My obvious bachelorhood should tell you how well those have worked for me...

I realised in that final time that I was willing to look out and care for this person without expecting anything back, and I felt so warm and empowered at first. But it was never returned. So I began to obsess. It wasn't as if the temptation was removed - rather it kept coming back, kept being set up to almost be there.

Now I pay for that obsession.

And I also learnt how scary it is to say those three words ever again. We take a plunge when we choose to open ourselves up. And the words "I love you" can have a sobering honesty to them.

Many people throw them around, mistaking so many different emotions for love. I believe the term is Limerence. A physical reaction that becomes a mental addiction.

But on the other side there is a painful loneliness that explains why we chase after these things that are bad for us.

So where does that leave me?

Well I'm lonely. That's a truth. I have been for a long time. I'm comfortable with who I am, and I'm trying to be happy by myself. I want to be able to be honest, and I think I do a good job at being just that. However, I am still holding things back... not that anyone has pressed me for details - which is good. But it's also leading to that cut-off feeling.

Like I mentioned before, I have a part of myself that I really would only share with someone... intimate, I guess.

Geez- I really do waffle, don't I? :)

I guess this time, I'm waiting for someone else to offer those three words to me. For the first time in my life, I want to be the one chased and romanced.

The problem is the awkward situations that could arise from all that if the wrong people choose to pursue. Or, worse, I don't pick up when someone is interested... I'm certain I've done that before - because I always end up doubting my instincts.

Which comes back to honesty - funnily enough. If only we could be more honest with each other without fear of embarrasment, humiliation or pain.

Something to think about.

Love and Huggles

Conan
Mood: Slightly sad, mostly tired...

The day after

Well I'd just like to say thank-you to everyone who showed up to our party last night... it was a lot of fun. :) I hope you all had a good time too.



Of course, Mash was in fine form too. :)

Today I'm going to be recovering, enjoying some World of Warcraft and generally being a lazy ass.

Catch you all later!

Love and Huggles

Conan

Mood:Sated

Parties and stuff...

So we're having a party this evening at the flat, which is all good. Should be loads of people here, and I'm looking forward to it.

In other news, I've been waiting to hear back from Victoria University regarding my application to do the Master of Arts in Creative Writing. I gave them a call on Thursday, lo and behold, they wont be making a decision until this Monday. Talk about calling it close. :)

I'm kind of stalling before I have to go to work. Nick knows about that, I ranted at length yesterday about it. *chuckle*

Still kind of coming down from my mood before regarding the whole being by myself thing...

I'll probably have something more to waffle on about tomorrow. :D

Laters!

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Watching: Angel Season 2, Disc 4
Mood: Cosi cosi

Love, Home and Youth

Firstly, in regards to the all out friends brawl, it looks as though Nick - The Bad Ass Loner - is well in the lead for winning. Still, there is still a chance it could all change. About Towners are still to really weigh in and Kate could still steal the crown. :D

Now, on to my ramble for today...

Yesterday was my day off work, and I took a little trip down to Kilbirnie to get some supplies for lunches over the next week. While I was walking along I kept thinking about my location. See, I'm trying to figure out when Wellington is going to feel like home to me.

I guess with so many things still up in the air, I still have a disconnected feeling. In Auckland I had things binding me to the city. Alex, my friends, my job, my past... all these things kept me feeling like I was a part of the city. I felt at home. Now I've left all that behind me - well, except for my friends who I still try to keep in touch with and hopefully will get to catch up with when I go to Auckland over christmas - but I still am yet to really feel like Wellington is home.

See, I love Wellington. It's a great city and I feel comfortable here. But walking into Kilbirnie... I still felt like I could be leaping on that plane any minute and returning to Auckland.

Yet, as I write this, I realise that going back to Auckland would leave me feeling equally disconnected. So much is up in the air at the moment for me.

As I am want to do when I'm feeling like this, my mind wanders back to the key issues that caused me to move. Something I haven't told some people is that I did move because of love - or more accurately, lack of it. The pressure was building, but one final spat convinced me that I was trapped in a cycle that was detrimental to my happiness - a cycle I kept up because I was in love. I realise now that it really was my love for someone that caused me to leave my old life behind.

In Auckland I was a huggy, cheerful and caring person. But it was kind of covering a sad emptiness. A desperate frustration that the one I had true unselfish feelings for wasn't returning the affection. Which led to an increase in selfish desire - until I lost the unselfish nature of my feelings.

In Wellington, that sadness is closer to the surface, but now I'm becoming my cheerful caring self again. Slowly. I need to face that darker part of who I am to become that brighter happier person I want to be.

Is that making any sense? :)

I'm not saying I've been lying to myself and everyone - I am a huggy, cheerful and caring person. But there is another part of who I am - and I think we're all like this - that I'm trying to come to terms with, I guess. :)

Heh, the things I think of when I'm walking in sunshine.

But it was also brought on when I walked past a cricket game in the park. There were all these kids - I think they were about 15-16 years old, maybe a bit younger. It got me to thinking about youth and how I would behave if I was 15 again but knowing what I now know about myself. What would I have done differently?

I'm sure everyone thinks like that from time to time.

Would I have not worried so much about finding true love? Would I have had a few casual flings?

I don't know. When I was a teenager, I wasn't interested in sex. Seriously. Even now it isn't really a big deal to me. But love. Ahhh, love is something else. Love, to me, is finding home. Like the old saying goes, home is where the heart is. That's love. It's about being accepted for your foibles, having someone see the good in you, getting that balance that makes it all seem right. It's about having trials and problems, but having the strength to see them through.

Yeesh - I'm turning into Deepak Chopra. :D

I often write about love because it is something that I feel eludes me. I have the love of friends, and of family. But maybe I do believe that there is something that is different to that. Something that is like friendship, like family but also like home.

Love is finding home.

So maybe I wont feel truly at home until I fall in love again. And to do that, I need to let my heart move down to Wellington too. Because right now... my heart is still living in Auckland. Too scared to pack its bags and let go of a lost cause. Or maybe, it's somewhere in between - trying to find its way here, but worried that it is not going to find a place in Wellington.

I moved down here to get away from a self-destructive situation. But sometimes I catch myself thinking that I didn't really move down at all.

Whoa, pretty heavy thoughts.

Deep down, I want to stay here. I don't want to move back. Back in Auckland is just the same mistakes I made before. Wellington has opportunities for me to get my life back on track. I'm not doing a fantastic job at the moment, sure, but it will happen. I have good friends down here, and I know the support is there. :) As for love? Fate works in mysterious ways, and when love is ready to show... it will.

Did anything I just write make sense?

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Fireborn Players Guide
Mood: Melancholy and a little distracted
Because some games are just too cool to not promote. :D

Weapons of the Gods

So I'm mega excited about this:


As Luke or James could probably tell you, WotG is one slick puppy of a game, from the sounds of things. I'm all keen to get a hold of it - which isn't likely to be until the new year... *sigh* It's tough being a gamer in NZ sometimes. :D

Why is it so cool?

Well the focus seems to be about the players and GM working together to decide the set up of the campaign, but in a manner that isn't the usual forgite mess where the players end up knowing too much about what is going on. Instead there is a very intriguing purchase and backgrounds system. I'm practically frothing at the mouth with anticipation. :D

Love and Huggles

Conan

Mood: Perkier than Pammy at cocktails evening.

Sometimes a Mac can be an annoying thing

I love my mac. It's a great little computer. But sometimes it just bugs the heck out of me. For some reason my posts on this blog are not showing up on the homepage, and my changes are taking time to filter through. Grrrr. If only I could figure out what is wrong with the silly thing. :D

More ranting later...

Love and Huggles

Conan

GAH!

Still fiddling around with this - and I keep finding that the blog isn't updating on my computer. *sigh*

I hope that it will fix up before too long. :D

So you'll find that I am playing with the Post template... sweet. :D All part of my commitment to providing you with the best blogging experience. :)

Remember, message me with any ideas you might have.

Love and Huggles

Conan

Currently Reading: Werewolf: The Forsaken
Currently Playing: Fireborn
Mood: Chipper!

Closing doors, looking out windows...

While I wait for Nick to finish making his Fireborn character, I thought I'd give some explanation to my long time readers...

Yes, I have deleted some of my old posts - the whole Alex/Conan Saga is something I would rather leave in the past, yah? I realise I made some oddly lucid observations during my mad rants, but I'm wanting to try and really give this a nice restart.

Besides, I'm constantly coming up with new and crazy ideas for this blog. Also, people can help by suggesting to me new ideas that they would like to see on this blog. What else can I have to make it more interactive? I'm eager to have more comments and thoughts, open debate, and excuses for people to send me chocolate. :D

I've been thinking about the future recently and how, at 31, I'm still not really sure what I'm wanting to do with my life. Sure, I want to be a writer, and I've applied for the MA in Creative Writing, but what else am I wanting? I have to work in the interim, and what kind of job do I want?

Which leads me to my thoughts about economy and the world. Why do we actually need money? People constantly talk about limited resources and unlimited desires - but it seems to me that is a bit of an excuse for laziness and inefficient planning. Humanity is so desperate to be unique, nobody notices that they really are already without needing all the crap that we add to it.

You see, cultures are important to me because they give us different insights into the world - the only way to see the truth of the world is to look at it from all perspectives. But that does not mean that we should distrust each other on a global scale - or take advantage of each other.

This is what pisses me off about humanity. As a whole, we are predictable and... well... stupid. We bicker, fight and act selfishly for really no reason. Why do people enslave others? I'm not talking about the kinky bedtime romps kind of enslaving - but the genuine, steal another person's freedom type enslaving. Humanity is all about power plays and control. Yet - couldn't we free everyone and give them all control?

In other words, does economy exist to help constrain the greedy and punish the lazy, or has it created the greedy and the lazy?

I keep thinking about how much food the Western world wastes and has just sitting on the shelves in supermarkets while there are people starving in another country. When I ask myself, why can't we send the food to the starving, the answers are numerous and all relate to money and power.

Not to reality. Not to the natural world. But to things that humans have invented in the clumsy well-meaning sense of survival. Let's get something clear here - controlling others against their will is an evil act. We do it all the time, and it scares me when I try to puzzle my way out of the labyrinth of well-meaning acts of stupidity that humanity has created.

Man, I'm sounding so down on the human race...

Let me put it another way...

When I was studying philosophy one of the first things I thought about with Existentialism was how it did, to a point, describe humanity in a way I understood.

See, human nature is a blank slate. There is no real human nature - rather we have the free will do define what it is to be human. That is why humans can be both good and evil at the same time. See, the problem has been that as humanity developed we kept adding definitions to our natures - humans are noble, they are greedy, they are hunters, they are pacifists, they are warriors... as we kept adding, human nature became more and more complex.

The problem is that we never took anything away. After we discovered technology we didn't stop being hunter/gatherers. This is because the change happened so slowly that it never really gave the old way a chance to be decisively negated. So with all these new definitions being added, humanity forgot that it had chosen how to define itself.

So that is why now, more than ever, we have such confused crises of conscience. We don't really know what we are expected to be because there are so many confusing and contradictory views.

Some see this blank slate as a bleak acceptance that there is nothing fixed and we are free to be murderers and killers.

But from an ethical viewpoint, I see this as very powerful - because we choose to be who we are. To me this makes an act of kindness so much more powerful. Because it was a choice. I genuinely believe that ethics exist separately from society. That they are universal common sensical ideas that supercede things because they are purely logical ideas when you account for emotions and feelings. (Which are, in fact, logical to me.)

So the upshot of it all is that when we choose to do a good deed, we don't just choose it for ourselves... but for all humanity. By choosing to do a good deed, we make humanity as a whole... good. That's a pretty empowering thought - and nobody suffers loss of freedom.

Bringing me back to the original topic - there is no reason we can't put aside our differences and try to work out the most efficient use of Earth's resources. Despite all the naysaying, the world has enough to help humanity achieve whatever it wants to do - that's the power of free will and why we are here. Humanity decides its own heaven or hell. It's just that some people have bought into confused and selfish definitions that existed at some point for someone to gain more power for themselves. But such gain is a fleeting benefit. No matter what people say about death, you don't take it with you - and I suspect that on the other side of things... well, you don't benefit there either.

So why bother doing it at all. We have lost our true spirituality. We hide behind religions, cultures in the search for identity. I'm not saying to deny all religion and culture, though, but to recognise that they are mirrors of our own desires. We should have control over them, allow them to mould and change as we change our natures with each new discovery... but instead we have tried to stick rigidly to the past.

We choose our history, our future and our present. So much suffering comes from either not making a choice or having someone prevent us from making our own choices.

So why not try to embrace the freedom that choice gives you. Don't give up on reclaiming your innocence and sense of wonder... it's there still if you really really want it. Being a good person doesn't need anything more than your own faith in yourself and accepting that you choose your reality - well, to a degree.

Anyone want to buy my ten CD self-help set now? ;)

**End Rant**

Until later!

Love and Huggles

Conan

The Mysterious Stranger at my door

So while I was cleaning up my old posts and doing a little blog redesign, I found a comment (GASP!!!!) linked to one of my old posts. It was from "cal" regarding my moving to Wellington.

Who is Cal? A look over his/her blog revealed a mysterious soul who knows a number of the people I know down in Wellington. I am now intrigued by this mysterious stranger who has been following my blog... what could be the story? Am I being stalked? Is he some being from another world?

Am I bored and filling in space?

The answers to these questions can only be revealed with the passge of time. And fruitcake! :D

Also - check out all the cool blogs I've linked to in my "friends" list and figure out which of these biarches would make it out in a all out pit-fight slugfest. :D I'm suspecting one of the About Towners would make it through... :D

BTW, if each of the members could provide me with pics, I'll add them in for you guys to see who to pick!

Laters!

Love and Huggles

Conan

Finally... an update!

So this me now. Not the best picture I've taken, but hey, I was using the weenie camera on my phone. :D

Anyhoop, lots has happened since I last posted - yeah, yeah, I'm really slack. :D Well, Mandatory ended up not really being the place I wanted to be, so I've since resigned and I'm planning on looking up new work right now. It looks like I might be going back to ol' F.C.s down here in the interim - which isn't such a bad thing. They pay well and a much more fun to work with than where I've been.

On the plus side - life has been a lot of fun recently when combined with the bad. I've found a place that is muy cool, and things are beginning to look good.

What else to say? I'm trying to think of ways to improve this blog. What kind of crazy rants can I write? I've been kind of lax in keeping up to date with this thing... that's going to have to change. :D

Well - heading off now to think about it, and I will get back to you all later.

Ciao!

Love and huggles!

Conan

It's the mandatory thing...

Woop woop woop! I just came back from my interview with Mandatory, and it looks as though I will be getting a very swish job as Store Manager for their Cuba St store. (It's a very cool shop with very cool clothes.)

The two owners gave me a bit of a grilling, but I got the impression that they were happy with me. So I'm beginning to find my feet here in Wellington. The job is going to be a big challenge, but I'm keen to give it my all. They have a very nifty range of outfits, a great atmosphere and fantastic location.

All in all, a bit of a retail dream job. :)

So they're putting together a job offer and I could be looking at some very cool opportunities in the near future. :D

Wooot!

Laters everybody! :)

Conan

Still looking

Howdy all! :)

Well it is proving to be a really challenging mission finding a job. Wednesdays and Saturdays are the best two days in the week to go job hunting. I'm currently waiting to hear back regarding a role with Mandatory clothing. I'd be working as a store manager, and would even get a clothing allowance - oooh clothing allowance. Mandatory is pretty cool because it is a very unique label, meaning that I'd be selling boutique scale mens clothing. Very exclusive stuff. (Pictures will be added once I've got the job. ;) )

In other news, I'm involved with the set up of Kapcon XV now. :) I have a number of the lists and budgets, I'll be involved with the Kapcon blog too. Should be all cool stuff really. :D

Can't chat much more at the moment, so I'll catch up with y'all later. :)

Conan

Do You Realise?

... That everyone you love will some day be gone? Man, the Flaming Lips are playing here at work and managing to somehow both mellow me out and make me feel just a tad edgy. There's something almost illegal about that. :D

So in case you haven't already heard, we have a new Pope - Pope Benedict the something-or-other. I realise that as a born Irish-Catholic I really should give more of a crap. But I haven't been a practising Catholic for years. Apparently ol' Benedict is a real moral conservative - just what this world needs right now is another "moral" conservative. The thing about moral conservatism, for me, is that it tends to ignore the moral side - ironically - in favour of conservatism. Because the fundamental flaw of many moral conservatives is very much the same as the moral liberalists - the base assumption that their philosophy of liberalism or conservatism is automatically correct.

Funny how we tend to like to short-cut our opinions so as to save precious thinking power.

You see, moral conservatives seem t hold the view of "if it worked before it should still work now." While Liberalists seem to hold the view of "If it worked before, it wont work now because we all different baby!"

The thing is we aren't that much different to humans almost 200,000 years ago when it comes to the essentials of life. Sure, we have socially evolved as a species - but even as early as the first signs of homo-sapiens sapiens there is evidence of social structure. Humanity now evolves through technology and society rather than physically - but these evolutions work in a different manner, it would seem.

Now to return to the whole moral issue - morality is pretty straight forward, really, it works on the whole harm none, treat each other as equals etc... type of mindset. How we chose to define these morals differs from culture to culture - but the actual morals themselves tend to hold true.

What conservatives want is to keep the definitions that they grew up with, because they appear to fear that if the definitions can be changed, then maybe all those morals they held on to aren't as absolute as they thought they were. Which in turn means that things they thought they couldn't do, because it was wrong, they might of actually been able to do after all.

Meanwhile, Liberals seem to believe that because these definitions are fluid - then they mean nothing and that anything can go, to the point of not having to think about morals much at all - because it must be right if everyone is happy - yeah?

But it strikes me that not everyone would be happy.

So what's the solution?

First, to recognise that morals are guidelines to help us navigate the dangerous morass that is ethics and morality. They aren't rules, they are the general benchmark from which to measure our decisions. It is silly to just assume that they are so absolute - it is, in fact, immoral. Morality isn't something you can be flippant about, it is part intuition, part common sense and part thought. Each case needs to be considered individually, because in some cases the morally correct choice can end up being different from what one would initially assume to be the right choice.

I have my own little yardstick that helps me with understanding moral choice - Intent. Intent is a very important aspect of morality - because it is your intentions that really show if you considered someone else or not, or if you thought about the consequences. So the first step in looking at a moral dillemma is to consider each party's intentions.

Then you need to consider how well each member considered the consequences - this is important because despite intentions, you can still commit an immoral act if you didn't really think about the consequences.

Then you need to look to your intuition to help guide you. Odd statement, I know, but a lot of morality involves thinking - if someone judged/treated me this way, how would I feel?

A lot becomes clear when you follow those guidelines. Like I said before, we all have the same moral values - we just define them differently. Everyone believes murder is wrong - but some people have different definitions about what constitutes murder.

The thing is, you need to then look at the reasoning and intention behind those definitions - because we choose these definitions. Even if it is to just follow what we have been taught - it is a choice to not question our beliefs. And I do feel that you cannot claim to truly believe something if you haven't questioned/challenged those beliefs and our own intentions for believing them.

Conan

Popularity and Ian Wishart

About Town, the blog for my flatmates was recently quoted in the New Zealand Herald for commenting on investigative "journalist" Ian Wishart.

For those who live else where in the world and obviously wouldn't have heard of this gentleman (and I use the term somewhat loosely), Ian Wishart is one of those long term reporters who realised that he didn't need to tell the complete truth to make money as a reporter.

Now don't get me wrong, Ian Wishart puts a lot of work into researching his articles... it's just that he takes a particular position and alters the way the facts read to support his pre-supposed opinion.

This is a common practice, but Wishart seems to have a thing for conspiracies and generally sacrifices objectivity and ethics to acheive this.

Recently, Ian Wishart basically managed to score himself an interview with Maori Politician John Tamihere. Unfortunately John seems to have thought that the interview was off the record - showing that he isn't exactly the best judge of character - and said a number of politically suicidal statements about his colleagues. *sigh*

The thing that gets my goat is that Ian Wishart is selling himself as the defender of truth by revealing these statements. He constantly decries that he's the good guy.

Bollocks.

He got lucky and took advantage of a situation to raise his profile. His magazine - Investigate - rarely contains solid facts, and his constant claims of being followed and watched tend to be a little too contrived.

The fact that he publishes all this tripe and sells it goes to show how much popularity there is for belief that everything that is going wrong in the world is someone else's fault.

Isn't really time for us to all take a little responsibility for our own mistakes? I know it's hard. Heck, I sometimes try to find someone else to blame when I feel I can get away with it - we live in a society that sort of promots this way of thinking. But then I tend to always leap on this bandwagon. :D

Anyway, it's a sunday and I have the day off work - so excuse me while I go chill out for the rest of the day.

Catch y'all later!

Conan

Tattoos, Blogs and the Secret of Zir'an

Tattoos

So I was just reading this thread on RPG.net about people getting game symbols tatooed on their body. It is amazing the kinds of debates that tend to break out on the open gaming forums. Is getting a tattoo really that lame? I have sometimes toyed with the idea, but I'd get something more stylised - like George Clooney's in "From Dusk till Dawn."

Except I keep thinking of what it would look like in about fifty years from now. Brrrr. :D

Tattoos are an interesting topic, because for some people it is almost an addiction and for others it is a very spiritual thing. Me? I think it would take something pretty damn important to convince me to mark my body. :D

It's almost the same reason as to why I don't wear any jewellry or accessories like rings or necklaces/chains. These are things that I feel are important signs of a commitment or memory. For me to wear a ring, there would need to be considerable significance behind it. Of course there is the added issue that I hate the feeling of a ring on my finger for some reason... must have ultra sensitive skin. :D (Don't even ask about my issues with my back, *chuckle*)

The Secret of Zir'an

This is one game that I am really dying to see - check it out. Think Eberron meets Final Fantasy with a touch of Indiana Jones/Sky Captain. It looks damn cool! I love pulp-cinematic games, and SoZ has this is spades. The system looks odd, but I suspect that it will be like Fireborn fast-paced and entertaining.

So finally for now, talking about blogs. I've been struggling to find a "voice" for my blog. Obviously for those long standing readers I went through a pretty dark patch for a while, an my blog showed that. I've since removed those posts - mostly because they were things said while I was very upset and in a bad place.

Now... well I'm still searching for the right balance, but I hope you'll be able to hang around to follow it all.

Until later,

Keep smiling!

Conan

The Ransom Model

Meatbot Massacre

Well Greg Stolze is at it again with another inspirational game concept. This time he and Daniel Solis have worked together to create a model of game that cuts out the distributor and target piracy. Basically they set a value - in this case $600 - on their game which they held for ransom. If the money wasn't raised by September 2005 then the game would be abandoned and the money that was raised would go to a homeless shelter. If the money was raised, then the game would be published as a PDF for free for everyone to download.

It worked! They managed to raise the money almost five months ahead of schedule. This strikes me as a great alternative for small publishing companies and for writers wanting to make a little money writing and publishing their own games.

Check it out and see what you think. Hopefully we'll be seeing more of this kind of thing from Mr Stolze in the future. :)

Conan