So Merry Christmas to everyone, I hope you all had a good christmas.
Mine was, to say the least, interesting. I travelled up to Auckland, hung out with Mum and my brother and had a pretty good time.
I also got to catch up with a number of friends from Auckland, which was a blast. They were all doing well, and I got a lot of help with my plans for the future.
Bought HEAPS of stuff - including the complete series of American Gothic (Review on that later on this week) - and it was great to be up there for a while. I also was convinced as to why I love Wellington. Auckland is a crazy, humid place and there just felt like something was lacking.
So I had my "I heart Wellington" badge on my sleeve pretty much. :)
I also had some upsetting news. Nothing world shattering, and some people know what I'm talking about.
It seems that the main reason Alex hasn't responded to the occassional text from me is because he has taken it upon himself that it best serves my interests to cut all contact. Without giving me any heads up.
That hurt. A lot.
What hurt more was that some people knew, and also knew that I was concerned as to why I wasn't hearing back from him - and chose to not only with-hold the information, but outright lie to me and say that they didn't know what was going on.
That hurt even more.
It also showed how much those people don't know me.
So I'm respecting Alex's failure to close the book on this sorry saga - leaving doesn't end it, that's what I learnt when he came down here.
I love Alex. That is never going to change. I'm trying to move on, but when shit like this happens - it makes it harder, not easier. If he had simply had the balls to call me and say something, finish it properly - then we could have moved on. He has always tried to hedge his bets.
Maybe one day we will bump into each other and be able to just be friends. I hope that will be the case.
But for now, it is the lack of honesty and the failure to communicate or respect my ability to handle things that upsets me most.
I deserve better treatment than that.
So with the New Year approaching, I have some resolutions:
1. Get a Novel written by the end of 2007.
2. See Evin Shir Games grow.
3. Further my career path.
4. Fall in love with someone who understands who I am and respects me.
I have so many bright things to look forward to in the New Year - I'm turning my eyes to those and I'm going to be trying to put all this stupid pain behind me.
I am a better person than Alex gives me credit for. It is clear to me now that he never knew me. Nor did any of his friends.
I am so much more than these people realise. That is something I learnt with my friends up in Auckland these holidays and with my friends down here over the last year.
So take care and here is to a very Happy New Year.
Love and Huggles
Conan
Currently Reading: China Mieville's Looking for Jake
Currently Playing: Exalted: Nexus of the Sun
Mood:Contemplative
(Thoughtful Menchi)
12 comments:
Desiring to cease contact with you is closing the book. Just not in the way you want, thus obviously inadequate, mean, purile, etc etc. I would love to believe that you are more adult than this obsession, particularly more adult than resorting to whining about a friend of mine on the internet, but every time I come across this blog (and believe me, it is doing the rounds, to much collective mirth), myself and others find reason to doubt this. I barely know you at all, but I don't think you should be an object of ridicule: let go, and regain some respect. Stop painting my friend, and thus yourself, in an unfairly negative light.
Astra.
Astra,
I have found this format incredibly useful for me to work through my thoughts and feelings. Hence the title - Stream of Consciousness.
I don't think any of you have really understood the situation from where I sit - nor understood the feelings and pain I have been through. As for Alex being painted in a negative light - well, I have endeavoured to stress that it is merely from my perspective.
If people find mirth in my problems, well that is their perogative. It clearly says a lot about the kind of people they are.
I will not claim to have been the better person in this situation - as anyone who has read this blog regularly can attest to. But Alex has not been the innocent victim his friends like to claim he is.
Do not have the arrogance to claim you know my feelings. I am not obsessed - I had a very genuine emotion and handled things with confusion and poor judgement. That is partly because of certain things Alex did as well. Nobody is the villain here, I am simply expressing my disappointment that this has ended the way it has.
But I feel that I have tried to handle this with some degree of maturity and respect. Which is more than I can say for any of your "friends" treatment of my feelings.
Conan
you're awesome conan
that was me.
emile
I simply enjoy the irony of watching you stake out a moral high ground because A. "can't face you" ... and then bitching about "mysterious unnamed people" without having the guts to face THEM.
Tres mature, Conan. Should I even bother keeping my Exalted write-ups?
For one thing, Stephanie I will be talking to the people involved when I am able - hence my not mentioning their names until I talk to them. Seeing as I have not been able to get in contact with them, I did not think it was right to blithely accuse someone of something.
Which I think is the proper thing to do.
I also think that Alex needs to talk to me if he is concerned. It is much better to just face up to me and sort it out than to disappear and leave me wondering what the heck is going on.
I'm fine with him not wanting to have anything more to do with me - but he needs to have the balls to tell me.
Then it is done, over and finished.
I'm not expecting him to fall for me, I'm not planning on ever ending up in a relationship with him, and I would like to be able to just be friends. But what I'm dealing with is a strong emotion that needs space and time to get to a point where I can talk to him. He needs to face up to the reality that he has hurt me a lot in the past.
I know I've been a pain to him - hence being one of the reasons I chose to move to another city. I knew that space was needed. That I needed to give myself the time to get over him and the distance to prevent myself from giving in again.
Given that when I talked to him - which was sporadically and when he initiated contact - I kept things on a very platonic level, I don't quite see how it is justified to call me obessessed or immature. Considering I let him decide when to talk to me, I don't see how those accusations stand.
I appreciate that you are defending a friend, and your loyalty is great. But you need to face the truth that Alex did not treat me fairly or well. I have accepted that I was stupid, and I did something about it. I respected his decision. What I am angry about is the lack of respect shown to me.
Conan
You have my email, my cellphone number, you know where my Livejournal is and if all else fails you know where my flatmate works. Or should I assume that the snide remarks weren't about me? That would be surprising.
Further, I'm not sure how you figure it's better to attack people in this medium *before* speaking to them personally. It's hardly going to get things off on the right foot, is it?
As for backhanded comments about "well that shows the kind of people THEY are" - it's hardly demonstrative of "being above all this", "being the better person". I've had my fair share of Internet blow-ups, and at least I've been honest enough to say WHO I'm annoyed at and exactly why.
And lastly: A. IS the innocent party, your misinterpretation of his feelings notwithstanding. This entire scenario has been "over, done and finished" for over a year, and you have chosen not to notice that fact until now.
Stephanie,
I'm simply not interested in getting into a fight over this. I was not attacking anyone. If you took the time to read my posts, you'd note that I talk about MY feelings, and what I'M going through.
It has been you who has seen an attack where there was none. If I wanted to attack anyone, I would have named them.
Regarding Alex, I don't remember seeing you at my house when he hung around after everyone else left at the end of each game. I don't remember you being present when he and I had a long talk about things and he had the opportunity to work it out.
Don't talk about things you were not present at, nor knew the full story of. You weren't there, you have no idea what Alex said or did in the past when it was just the two of us.
He is not evil and I have never said as such. But he did leave things very ambiguous and made a number of mistakes that ended up hurting me.
As I have stated a number of times - the point of my posts is not to attack people but to express MY feelings and work through them.
I've re-read this blog for the entire year and not once has this been a denial of what happened. It has been, as always, about me dealing with my feelings.
Conan
i don't know alex, but i know conan. you guys should just get over defending alex - you're just proving he's not man enough to face up anything. i'm sure he reads this blog.
Let's just leave this people.
Thanks for the support Emile, but I just want to put this all behind me. I was upset because I felt that I had been lied to.
It would seem that was not the case and I'm willing to accept that.
I am hurt that certain friends of Astra's - who they are I don't know, but I could take a guess - are finding amusement in this whole affair.
But it is best to move on, as Stephanie says.
Conan
Isn't the most frustrating thing about being reasonable with your responses, when people *still* can't accept what you are saying...
From one sincere and honest man to another, keep doing what you are doing... we know who you are Conan :)
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